how to get over the love of your life ?

[helo23]

hey so we were so in love ...

we were at the same school and we always had a thing for each other but he was always the kind of guy that had a lot of girls and i didnt want to be just another girl for him. So we hang out a bit for six months but became really close towards the end just before leaving for an internship of 6 months .

 

we always talked about getting together in the future even if we never even kissed at that point. When we had to go away we started texting more and more and even skyping everyday even if his friends made fun of him because the thought that he was a fool to get attached to a girl that he is not gonna see for 6 months but we just couldnt stop and we fell for each other so hard..

I even went to see him across the world because we couldn't stand to be appart and were getting crazy.. and it was so amazing..

 

when he came back home we just spend every day and every second together for 8 months .. we never slept apart. everyone wanted to be us .. everyone thought that we would get married and have plenty of kids ... we were so strong together but at the same time i had a lot of problems that made us argue.. i failed my year at school because i was living with a girl that was his friend too and we just started to hate each other and it got heavy on us.. we both liked each others family and even his family said that they never saw anybody so in love and that it was so amazing how he was so much himself with me and so happy.... my family never saw me as happy as with him, he was the only person i let into my life and that i trusted more than anybody..

we spent a good part with each others family during the holidays and i knew all their family friend and the mom ( who he is very close even a bit too much) said that i was the one he should marry..

 

but i failed my year and i was lost.. i had to change appartement and rent the one i was currently in .. i was so deep into problems that i was depressed and he was taking a lot o this on him.. and it affected him so much because he loved me so much. he told me that i was the love of his life and it was so hard to be apart.. we started arguing because i was so scared .. my parents were telling me that he was gonna leave me because he is not someone who fails etc.. i started feacking out and our arguments got bigger and bigger and he was doing a bit less for me but he kept on sending me those beautiful love declarations telling me that he loved me so much that it always hurts and that he couldn't wait for me to be in his arms and spend our future together... but we had one fight where i nearly left because i just didnt want to fight anymore and we finally talked aout what was wrong and that we loved each other and wanted to stay together.. so we did and had the most incredible week after that we were back.. he even came to surprise me one afternoon and ditched class because he just missed me too much.. everything was better when we were together .. and we had a lovely afternoon but he had a birthday on the evening and had to go and i encouraged him to go out with them and enjoy! he texted me couples time that he loved me so much and that he missed me and when he came back home after the club told me that he drank too much but he was home.. the day after he kept on saying that he was an idiot for drinking that much and was really mad at himself so i was cuddling him and saying that it was ok.. we went outside and he started having tears in his eyes and told me that he kissed a girl at the club and he was crying so hard.. i was so lost that i just left without saying anything and started crying all my heart out..

 

he came later to my place to talk about it and he just told me that if he did that it means that he didnt love me that much but at the same time he never cried like this in his life so he must love me .. he was lost .. but said that it was the right thing to do.. since then he never went back on his word and made me live in hell . every party he would be with tons of girls but would pass next to me and give me a tap on the ass and he looked horrible had a weird beard and had very bad skin and under his eyes were always red and he drank so much and smoked and snoozed so much..he was always going out and hooking up with girls . he even slept with a girl that had a boyfriend... he would come and talked to girls around me and look at me .. it was horrible .. i wish i was dead and since the breakup i have been so depressed... i feel like any happiness in me has died .. i have no motivation .. i dont see a future without him even if he put me through all that ... he even hooked up with a girl in front of me .. i have anxiety attack all the time since we broke up .. doctors even thought i had a heart disease .. i can't sleep and failed again this semester which got me expelled ..

 

i dont know how to get better.. it has been 5 months and i still miss him so much .. i wanted him to be my family ...

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting ~6

[Toodaloo]

I do not believe in there being just one person for each of us. It doesn't make sense that in a world with all these people that you will only get on with just one. So we can scrap that little theory of "the one".

 

Now you have let your life get way out of hand. You have allowed depression to hold you back ruin a great relationship and get you expelled. Because that IS what this is.

 

You want my advice?

 

Go to a doctor. Get treatment for your depression. Get help for all this emotional stuff.

 

Truth is he didn't snog that girl to cheat. He did it because he needed support too. There is only so much one person can take so you have a responsibility to yourself to make sure that you are an equal partner in life rather than a crutch round a mans neck.

 

So have a good cry. Then make a plan on how you are going to get your life back together and do it.

 

This guy is not coming back so its time to learn from your mistakes and move on.

 

Do not let mental health problems get this bad in the future. You have just learnt the hard way that when you let it get out of control it ruins your life.

[kasop]

Cut all contact. Dont go to the same parties as him. He made his decision and it gives him an ego boost that you are still around as he does all these things in front of you. What you two had has completely changed.

[helo23]

Cut all contact. Dont go to the same parties as him. He made his decision and it gives him an ego boost that you are still around as he does all these things in front of you. What you two had has completely changed.

 

i totally understand that but what i would like to understand is why it has channged .. he would always be very nice to me ! he would interrupt his conversation to say hello to me . he didnt forget my birthday and was the first one to wish it to me .. he would look at me a lot in the clubs etc..

[helo23]

I do not believe in there being just one person for each of us. It doesn't make sense that in a world with all these people that you will only get on with just one. So we can scrap that little theory of "the one".

 

Now you have let your life get way out of hand. You have allowed depression to hold you back ruin a great relationship and get you expelled. Because that IS what this is.

 

You want my advice?

 

Go to a doctor. Get treatment for your depression. Get help for all this emotional stuff.

 

Truth is he didn't snog that girl to cheat. He did it because he needed support too. There is only so much one person can take so you have a responsibility to yourself to make sure that you are an equal partner in life rather than a crutch round a mans neck.

 

So have a good cry. Then make a plan on how you are going to get your life back together and do it.

 

This guy is not coming back so its time to learn from your mistakes and move on.

 

Do not let mental health problems get this bad in the future. You have just learnt the hard way that when you let it get out of control it ruins your life.

 

thats what im gonna do but when i was with him i wasn't in depression .. and i was taking care of him a lot .. he was the one who wanted to help me but i never asked for anything ... i wished that he actually would have let me take care of my own stuff instead of getting involve !

Im getting back on my feet because i wasn't happy at this school and wanted to leave and found another super alternative . i stayed there more for him than me..

[edel]

First of all, stop thinking he was the love of your life. He is not. If he was the love of your life you wohld still be together and he wouldn't have hurt you like that.

 

Cut all contact to him and get some self esteem. This guy is a complete douche, start seeing him as who he is and not as who you want him to be. i'd also suggest therapy.

[helo23]

i know that how he is now is not the guy i fell for.. but its just so hard to had him as such an amazing person and now he has become that .. he just acts like i never existed ...

[CarrieT]

Let me guess.... You are very young, aren't you? I'd say early 20s at best? Maybe even younger?

 

The first heartbreak is the hardest. It is the one you feel you can never get over. It is the one that will stick to you until your dying days.

 

But you know what? You will love again - deeper, longer, more meaningful - and you will realize how adolescent and juvenile that first love was.

 

Trust us who have been there.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Let me guess.... You are very young, aren't you? I'd say early 20s at best? Maybe even younger?

 

The first heartbreak is the hardest. It is the one you feel you can never get over. It is the one that will stick to you until your dying days.

 

But you know what? You will love again - deeper, longer, more meaningful - and you will realize how adolescent and juvenile that first love was.

 

Trust us who have been there.

 

I second this.

[edel]

Let me guess.... You are very young, aren't you? I'd say early 20s at best? Maybe even younger?

 

The first heartbreak is the hardest. It is the one you feel you can never get over. It is the one that will stick to you until your dying days.

 

But you know what? You will love again - deeper, longer, more meaningful - and you will realize how adolescent and juvenile that first love was.

 

Trust us who have been there.

 

 

I third this.

[edel]

i know that how he is now is not the guy i fell for.. but its just so hard to had him as such an amazing person and now he has become that .. he just acts like i never existed ...

 

 

 

Honey, he hasn't changed, he always had that side, you just didn't see it because he didn't want you to see it. He was temporarily in love with you which is why he tried to show his good sides, but eventually he lost interest and couldn't continue his little show. Now he's showing you his true self, and you should be glad he showed it to you before you wasted more time on him.

[helo23]

Let me guess.... You are very young, aren't you? I'd say early 20s at best? Maybe even younger?

 

The first heartbreak is the hardest. It is the one you feel you can never get over. It is the one that will stick to you until your dying days.

 

But you know what? You will love again - deeper, longer, more meaningful - and you will realize how adolescent and juvenile that first love was.

 

Trust us who have been there.

 

i just turned 22 and he is 24. and yes he was my first love

[helo23]

i really hope so...so much!

[ExpatInItaly]

Let me guess.... You are very young, aren't you? I'd say early 20s at best? Maybe even younger?

 

The first heartbreak is the hardest. It is the one you feel you can never get over. It is the one that will stick to you until your dying days.

 

But you know what? You will love again - deeper, longer, more meaningful - and you will realize how adolescent and juvenile that first love was.

 

Trust us who have been there.

 

So very, very true.

 

The first love hurts a lot when it ends, because we have nothing to compare it to. We don't yet have the benefit of experience to put our emotions into perspective.

 

But OP, I promise, you will someday meet a man who will make this ex a speck on your radar. You need time to heal and recover, of course. But know that there is a better future out there for you. Take this relationship the way many of us now look at our first loves - learning experiences, fond moments in time, but not generally meant to last.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself. Journal your thoughts; vent here. Get some exercise and get those feel-good chemicals flowing again. Seek professional support if you need it, both to manage your anxiety and heal from this. Stay consistent with self-care now. You deserve it.

[CarrieT]

i just turned 22 and he is 24. and yes he was my first love

 

The first step to healing is to change the mindset that he was "the love of your life."

 

He was not.

 

He was simply your first love. And as Expat explained, because you have nothing to compare to it, the pain feels insurmountable. We understand that.

 

I would suggest something though. Print this entire thread out and keep it somewhere safe. Then look at it again in about ten years and get comfort in the fact that you will then understand all we have been telling you: That you will heal and love again.

[helo23]

I get that even if it seems impossible .. And I hope that I ll be love again aswell because he is the only one that fought so much to be with me even if I didn't wanted to at the beginning .. I just don't get how he could have loved me so much and just after kissing that girl decided to give up on us ... And he never thought twice about it ... He was just it's the right thing to do period and he never texted he tried to come to talk to me couple time but nothing crazy ... He just gave up on me ...

[K2z]

As someone who fairly recently had my heart ripped out of my chest and thrown into a wood chipper, I would point out that one of the most irritating things to hear is "you will love again." It's the last thing you can imagine in the universe, and even I, at a far older and wizened age, have trouble believing it.

 

So-- rather than think about how you're going to love again, just go for tiny victories. A bit of exercise... catch up on that show you never got a chance to watch... cook something decent with some fresh ingredients that you take extra time to shop for. Maybe get away to some quiet natural place where birds are chirping.

 

Your heart is for the moment the equivalent of a car wreck patient in a full body cast. This will take time to stop being extremely painful, never mind love again. Be patient with yourself, and don't expect the patient in a full body cast to show up at any track meets.

[ExpatInItaly]

I get that even if it seems impossible .. And I hope that I ll be love again aswell because he is the only one that fought so much to be with me even if I didn't wanted to at the beginning .. I just don't get how he could have loved me so much and just after kissing that girl decided to give up on us ... And he never thought twice about it ... He was just it's the right thing to do period and he never texted he tried to come to talk to me couple time but nothing crazy ... He just gave up on me ...

 

He gave up before he kissed her. Otherwise, he wouldn't have kissed another girl. He was already checking out of the relationship, even if you didn't see or acknowledge that.

 

It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means he isn't ready to commit to one person. He's not right for you.

[helo23]

I understand that but few hours before he was with me we even had sex and he told me how much he loved me and when he left my place to go to the restaurant aswell and before going out he just looked so sincere when he said that ... He told me that he was really drunk when he kissed that girl and he even vomited after ... I just don't get it ... When he woke up he thought that it was a bad dream ..

[helo23]

But do you think he ll ever come back ? We had such a connection ... You know when you know exactly what someone is thinking without even having to talk to the person . It was crazy how it was chemical he had the ability to calm me down just by giving me a hug .. I have sleeping problems and I was just so relaxed that I slept like a baby next to him and he loved watching me sleep and was always cuddling me ... At school he would wait in front of nearly all my classes for the break for us to go get coffee and just spend time together ... Everyone wanted to be us .. And we were so happy I don't get why he bailed .. Why the fights got us apart instead of making us stronger and know that even if we faught we were gonna be ok .. I took an appartment by myself for us to have some time just the two of us ... Why when he begged me to stay with him he did That a week after ? After spending the afternoon with me and telling me how much he loved me ? And why is he hooking up with so many girls and sleeping with so many girls but not getting serious with any of them ? And he is always so nice to me when we see eachother ( we were at the same school ) but wouldn't text me or want to see me ..? I just don't get it why he acts like I never existed ..