Which one? Or none

[SunBird]

I'm interested in two guys. Lucky me to even have that situation! But my nervousness of intimacy (emotional) is getting in the way of either understanding my feelings towards them both, or knowing what to do about them.

 

I'm a pretty independent person, in my late 30s, and have been used to a lot of time alone (I've had 3 major relationships and various little ones). So most of the time I am content being single. But I also long to connect closely with someone, to share life, and obviously really miss sex sometimes too! I mention this as one option is obviously to remain single. Say no to both opportunities for a relationship and just carry on as I am. But I suspect that my building fear of being close to people (something carried form childhood and seemingly getting worse) may be what is telling me to just walk away. Some people wouldn't fight it. But I don't want to be alone for ever, what if I am missing great things here by giving in to fear. Choose love not fear right!

 

They are both friends. One is a very close friend. We are in touch most days, share a lot in common and have a fairly deep friendship. We have never flirted but I know he likes me and we have talked about it. We always have a lot to say. One of those people you feel you have known for years when you 1st meet them. He is not my normal type physically, but he is a good looking guy - we are not touchy feely or anything so the idea of being physical is not natural. In all my past relationships, that aspect has been the leading attraction. But he is very important to me, I want to share things with him, spend time with him. I wonder if we should just kiss and see. But perhaps a positive outcome is more scary than a negative one and that is holding me back?

 

My other friend I am still getting to know, we have interests in common, although are less connected so far, and he's young. He is very attractive to me, its easy and natural to be physical with him. He's lovely too and there is potential if we were to spend more time together. He's a great guy. We have been on a couple of dates - it is the one thing I don't tell friend one about and I feel bad for that.

 

So I am in a sort of limbo and have been for some time. I'm also dealing with depression at the moment so a lot of things are overwhelming. I think that probably means I should be with no one. But it seems i am never in the right headspace, so do I just keep rejecting special people from my life?

[jesseambers86]

Go for whoever feels right to you. But remember - if you date a friend, esp. a close one, and things go downhill, you'll lose a friend. If you date a stranger - nothing bad happens.

[smudge21]

It sounds to me as if one is a soul mate and the other is not, more of a casual thing. Maybe it's not the fact they are different it's because you are. You fear a serious relationship (I know that feeling only too well) and therefore what keeps you from getting close to number 1 is that you know it will mean something more than just a casual thing. Number 2, deep down you feel is more carefree (and the attraction is clearly based on physical, whereas the first guy is much more). If that is the case, then you need to decide what you want out of life now.

 

 

It can be daunting to face a relationship when you are independent. I know I love my freedom so to let someone in, to let someone get close to me where it will lead to more than a casual thing, is a huge step. I have to know they are truly right for me. I'm currently walking away from someone who I did let in, but sadly they never felt the same. I guess in that respect, I'd have to get to know them over a period of time. Plus there would need to be more there than just a physical attraction. It would need to be deeper.

 

 

The fact you're also dealing with depression isn't helpful as it will cloud any judgement you could have.

 

 

If you want a straight honest answer to who should you pick, I think it's clear from your post in regards how much you had to say about one than the other. I see number 2 as more that instant attraction - like a chocolate bar; whereas number 1 is that big bag of sweets. We all love chocolate, but the sweets will last longer and have the same affect should we chose them.

 

 

I do wonder though how important number 1 is to you though if you're seeing this other guy at the same time. Surely if he found out, it would pretty much end any chance of that happening and you'd lose him for good. I suppose that depends on how he feels about you. Just because he doesn't get touchy feely doesn't mean he isn't any less attracted, just means he's maybe running at your pace. Maybe you need to take the next step with him, see what's there.

 

 

It's not an easy choice (although I think in your head you know which one you'd be happier with) but make it wisely as it will be a one shot only deal, plus you have to consider the feelings of both should they find out about each other; the decision could be made for you!

[Leigh 87]

It sounds to me as if one is a soul mate and the other is not, more of a casual thing. Maybe it's not the fact they are different it's because you are. You fear a serious relationship (I know that feeling only too well) and therefore what keeps you from getting close to number 1 is that you know it will mean something more than just a casual thing. Number 2, deep down you feel is more carefree (and the attraction is clearly based on physical, whereas the first guy is much more). If that is the case, then you need to decide what you want out of life now.

 

 

It can be daunting to face a relationship when you are independent. I know I love my freedom so to let someone in, to let someone get close to me where it will lead to more than a casual thing, is a huge step. I have to know they are truly right for me. I'm currently walking away from someone who I did let in, but sadly they never felt the same. I guess in that respect, I'd have to get to know them over a period of time. Plus there would need to be more there than just a physical attraction. It would need to be deeper.

 

 

 

The fact you're also dealing with depression isn't helpful as it will cloud any judgement you could have.

 

 

If you want a straight honest answer to who should you pick, I think it's clear from your post in regards how much you had to say about one than the other. I see number 2 as more that instant attraction - like a chocolate bar; whereas number 1 is that big bag of sweets. We all love chocolate, but the sweets will last longer and have the same affect should we chose them.

 

 

I do wonder though how important number 1 is to you though if you're seeing this other guy at the same time. Surely if he found out, it would pretty much end any chance of that happening and you'd lose him for good. I suppose that depends on how he feels about you. Just because he doesn't get touchy feely doesn't mean he isn't any less attracted, just means he's maybe running at your pace. Maybe you need to take the next step with him, see what's there.

 

 

It's not an easy choice (although I think in your head you know which one you'd be happier with) but make it wisely as it will be a one shot only deal, plus you have to consider the feelings of both should they find out about each other; the decision could be made for you!

 

 

How about those of us that get the instant attraction that feels so natural and primal AND the soul mate type of connection?

 

I got both. I know a friend that also did.

 

We are best friends with our partners. And we also happened to have the fireworks.

 

These are the best types of relationships. More intense emotions are felt.

[smudge21]

How about those of us that get the instant attraction that feels so natural and primal AND the soul mate type of connection?

 

I got both. I know a friend that also did.

 

We are best friends with our partners. And we also happened to have the fireworks.

 

These are the best types of relationships. More intense emotions are felt.

 

 

Most definitely, it's rare but yes it does happen to the lucky few. I just got the feeling from the OPs post that there was a distinct difference of feelings towards each guy: one was clearly so tuned into her yet less attracted, whereas the other came across as more attracted yet not as in tune. Maybe when/if she choses one then he may become that perfect combination you mention.

[SunBird]

Hi Leigh and Smudge

Thank you so much for your thoughts. Sorry for the delay and if I am writing this in the wrong place, I am not used to these forums.

 

How wonderful that you Leigh that you have found both of those things together. That is the dream isn't it. That is what we all hope for.

I guess it is hard to know whether to keep waiting until the dream combination happens. Many people never find it, and are still happy.

 

Smudge you are right, if I was to take the next step with friend one, I might end up having both qualities, it is not an impossible idea. We dont know what is there yet as we are not physically connected. But it could be.

 

Equally the connection could be there with friend 2, we just haven't had a chance to develop that yet. He is a very sensitive and tuned in person. It is very hard not to pursue a close physical connection.

 

Ultimately I suppose I am clearly not ready for anyhting or I would just be going with the flow and would know the answer, it may be that neither are the right person for me.

 

Thank you smudge for your comment wondering about my feelings for friend one, if I am interested in someone else also. Well I guess i am not dating either really. But yes friend one would be gutted if he knew i had kissed friend 2. When that first happened I just felt enormous guilt which really alerted me that i must have feelings for friend 1!

 

Well thanks again guys. It means a lot that you took the time to comment

[smudge21]

Anytime, always happy to share our opinions on here, but keep in mind, these are just opinions. It's down to the poster to make their decisions in life. With that said, I do worry that you may be turning your back on something good. As you said originally, it's unlike you to have two guys interested, so maybe walking away rather than taking a step forward is the wrong call here.

 

 

Also the fact you felt guilt over kissing number 2 surely tells you there is something possibly stronger that you feel for number 1. I do think you really need to talk to number 1, find out if there's anything there on his side. For all you know, he may have given up on the idea (depending on how long it's been) of anything more now. I believe you do have stronger deeper feelings for number 1 but also have more instant exciting feelings for number 2. Tough call.

 

 

Also that line of "I guess I'm clearly not ready for anything" is BS. You clearly are, and clearly want something, otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it to the dating section of a relationship forum. The truth is, you're just confused, unsure, scared, worried.. basically, the same as all of us, and you need advice. Maybe it's not that you don't know what you want, but more the choice you have to make before you get what you want. Never let doubts of getting hurt get in the way of being happy. Life's too short.

 

 

I stand by my final line, that the decision could be made for you, and I'd hate for you to have to come back here in a few months time saying you lost out on something that could've been good. At the moment, you're living in that glow of having some attention from the opposite sex (we all love that) but eventually something will change. As someone who has lost out on possibilities due to my own stupidity, you don't want to go through that. Nothing worse than regret.

[SunBird]

Thanks Smudge. Yes, I do not want regrets, which is why i have held back - meaning I dont want to regret another wrong choice.

 

Just to give some context: I have had many failed relationships, choosing the wrong guys over and over despite thinking I know what I am doing. I am trying to get my head straight before doing that again. Number 1 and I have talked. We even spent Christmas together (neither of us have good relationships with our families). I know how he feels about me. He has been incredibly supportive to me despite this, and gives me respectful space. I have held back as I have destroyed all my previous relationships, plus become very down when i get close to people (having long term therapy to deal with this, all due to emotional neglect as a kid). My doubt about us has made me think perhaps I am just supposed to be friends and I am trying to make something of it to escape myself.

Part of me is dying to just leap in and see what happens. But this is a seriously good friend I am risking. And after the excitement dies, what then. He will be subject to my criticism and negativity that I subject myself to.

 

On top of that, there is this little niggle of fear about the physical. He is not the type I am normally attracted to. It is our connection that attracts me to him. I'm scared that if we were physical i wouldnt have the chemistry I need and would have to reject him.

Number 2 is confusing it all as he reminds me of the amazing physical connection that is possible.

But this has been going round and round in my head for months. I almost wonder if it is what triggered my depression again. I am happy when i a disconnected, but that does not paint a happy future. I'm so stuck, perhaps becasue i am resisting change and I don't realise it. Number 1 is not what i pictured as someone i would have a relationship with, but perhaps that is all that is actually holding me back...? Truly thinking out loud here!

Thanks again for listening

[smudge21]

Not an easy road ahead is it, I can see why the easy safe option of just staying single is so tempting. Hell, up until 5 months ago I though the same thing. Sadly that hasn't worked out and now I'm wishing I'd stuck to my original plan. We all get hurt and that past can stop us from moving forward, but then what? I know I was fully happy before she recently came into my life and therefore I know I'll be happy again... but... I felt so truly happy being with her, even happier than I was. Yeah, it's a shame she never felt the same way, but you can't make someone love you. Now does all this mean I should hide away forever, never let anyone in again... I hope not, but yes I do run the risk of getting hurt. I guess it's like being a mountain climber (stick with me) - the sheer danger involved, the massive risk to life, the high possibility of death or serious injury... yet they wouldn't walk away because to do so would mean not living the life they want to live. They might as well be dead.

 

 

Don't let your doubts and fears make you lose out on something that could be really good for you. By doing so, you're already missing out and not being true to yourself. It's a risk you have to take - losing a friend, gaining a lover or a really good awesome relationship. You don't know how this will work out but fearing the worse is silly as it's simply your past holding you back. You know both these guys, you know both are really nice people, you know one a lot better than the other but have a more physical attraction to the other. Only you can make that choice, but I don't think you should back off and simply chose to be alone.

 

 

Put it another way, which one would cause more hurt if they were no longer in your life; which one would you miss the most?

[Arieswoman]

SunBird,

I'm going to come at this from a different angle.

 

IMO if you don't know which one you want, could it be that you don't want either of them? If you really wanted one of them you would know.

 

Just a thought.

[SunBird]

Thanks guys. Yeah Arieswoman - that is the thought I have had. Leave them both be, surely I would know if something was right. When you have a mind like mine though you would know that I could talk myself out of anything. So I get where smudge is coming from as running away and living in fear does not make for a happy life. So hard to know when fear is a helpful feeling that takes you in the right direction, or a learnt problem that stops you from living.

 

Also - going back to Arieswoman's comment, I did try this in the autumn, but my mind with not quiet. I see them both regularly and it is so hard to switch it off. Especially with friend 2 as I fancy him.

 

And if i'm really honest, I want them both! That makes me feel like a bad person, like I am messed up and deserve neither of them. But they both get something going in me, I have feelings for both. In such different ways. If only I could combine them! I guess that basically need to accept that means neither are right if I am saying that.

 

Perhaps right now I am craving connection, but I cannot handle the intensity of friend 1. It's too huge, too much. I feel really connected to friend 2 in a much more gentle and relaxed way. We are like friends who fancy each other, we have a laugh, share things, but I can go with the flow. With friend 1 our friendship is much deeper (have known each other longer), but there is this over riding seriousness. We have a laugh, but there is a constant unease due to me worrying to lead him on, and him withholding his feelings (I think). He also suffers from mental health issues like me, and as much as that means we understand each other, it is not necessarily a good combo. I have a lot of social energy, he is an introvert.

 

Your question smudge. It's easy. I would miss friend 1 the most as he is already a part of my life, romance aside.

 

But I think I need to accept that he is just a friend. I cannot imagine I will ever take that brave step needed to test out the chemistry. I should be lusting after the guy shouldn't I, but I'm not. It's an exciting idea to kiss him, but also an utterly weird one. And beyond that... Yikes, well he's got a hairy back for start ;-)

If I was to accept it, tell him I think it's just friends, maybe I could move forward. Relax, date people again. Date friend 2. Go with the flow.

[smudge21]

Has friend 1 ever truly told you he wanted more? I ask directly because it's something I was asked recently about someone, and my answer was that although I was happy to see where things go, I did have feelings for her and would always want to take things further if she were interested in that way. Basically I made sure that door was open and that she knew it. So has friend 1 done this? Maybe he's moved on and also just wants friends now. It can happen, we're not all wired just to want sex.

 

 

I think you need to be as honest with them as you are being with us here, a group of strangers. It would be nice to have the best of both worlds, but the only way you'll get to keep them both is by having one as a friend and the other as a lover, and that could cause problems if you don't clear the air first. You may find there is a chance to have that, friend 1 may be accepting of it. But please, be honest with him... as someone who has been betrayed and lied to in the past (yet still expected to remain a friend, yeah right) no one deserves that. Sometimes it's better to be honest and upfront, even if it means saying goodbye to someone, rather than being inconsiderate and lying only for them to find out later.

 

 

I think in life we all have some tough decisions (mine is currently walking away from someone I truly have feelings for who doesn't feel the same) and it's times like these that really test us and make us the person we are. This is not going to be an easy one for you, but if it were easy, then would it be worth it. The fact you're putting so much thought into this means this is as serious as it gets. You're clearly someone who wants to be loved but fears also being hurt in the long term. Join the club... I know when I'm healed from this current one I'll be behind my wall for a while too, but I also know that someone will come along and despite all this pain I'm going through right now, I'll still jump in there, risk it all for that just in case possibility of something amazing. Life's for living, even if it sometimes feels hard to do so.

[SunBird]

Thanks - you sound very well balanced in your thoughts and someone will be very lucky to have you. I am sorry that this girl does not reciprocate. Life can be so mean.

 

Thank you for your directness with regard to honesty. I think I have found myself in a place where I am not being honest almost by mistake! I was very straight with friend 2 when he first asked me out, that i needed space to see if there was anything with friend 1. He gave me that. I mulled it over, thought all the things I wrote in my last message (ie i should state that we are friends as it's not going to change) and then have recently been close to friend 2 again (minus the guilt that surprised me the first time round). But yes, friend 1 does not know about friend 2 and it has got to the point where i need to know what im doing and be clear to everyone. I think i thought friend 2 would soon go off me (a self esteem thing) so I wouldn't need to tell friend 1.

 

You ask is friend 1 interested in me like that. Yes. He doesn't talk about it as he respects my space, but he is patiently waiting, I know. So ultimately I need to say 'this can only be friends', but it's so hard to say. Even if that was clear and it was 6 months down the line, i think he would still be hurt by me dating someone else, even though we have never been together. It's a weird one.

 

I'm frustrated that I am still where I was 3 months ago or more. The same uncertainty. I think i am petrified that if i tell friend 1 I just want to be friends that i will loose him somehow. But i think this is an old habit from the past.

 

I totally agree - I just want to live. Not to be stuck in fear.

[smudge21]

Hmm, could it be that you're so easy going and more open/relaxed with friend 2 because, as you say, you didn't expect it to last. You yourself may only see this as a short term thing, and therefore that makes it more appealing. After all, short term, no really that important, more relaxed, easier to deal with, etc. In the same sense, friend 1 you know by taking that step would be a full on serious relationship with all the commitment that comes with it. So maybe it's not deciding between them, but what they mean to you and what will happen. Friend 2 is the safer bet for someone who already has concerns over a LTR.

 

 

I know all about being unsure in relationships (it's linked to why I seem to fall for girls that are hard work or not ready to commit, like deep down I'm causing my own problems by being the problem - only going for non starters whilst at the same time saying I want more) so maybe we share a similar concern and that concern not only holds us back, but deep down makes us make bad choices. I know I've pushed away girls that were interested. I also know that when they are, I start to worry about committing... yet in the same sense, the more distant they appear, the more I'll chase. Very screwed up me! In the way you are feeling closer to friend 2 because he represents less of a commitment... it's just another thought.

 

 

Sadly you won't move on from this until you move on from it, and only you can do that. You do run the very high risk of losing friend 1. I know that if it were me, I would have to walk away, no choice really. However, you need to think about you, what is best for you.

 

 

Oh and thank you for the kind words. Yeah sucks this relationship thing when it doesn't go right. I've done my best for so long to avoid getting attached to anyone, but you can't control your feelings. As bad as it is now for me, it was still a decision I'd make again to jump in feet first. Life truly is too short not to.

[SunBird]

It does sounds as if we have a similar issue there. Totally understand the habit of being drawn to people who are a disaster before you even start!

I'm aware that I am fully messed up on relationships. I admire you living of life and jumping in, but I have to admit that personally I could never do that again. My last serious relationship I had this attitude - 'go with how you feel, let it happen, follow your gut' and so on. I was so sure it was the right thing. But i was sooooo wrong and picked the wrong person all over again. Hence this ridiculous rumination and uncertainty.

 

Yes, you are totally on it with regard to being attracted to a less serious relationship. It is definitely more appealing to get into a more relaxed situation. It's only on my side though. He isn't after a casual thing. In fact he told me early on that he doesn't date lightly. So it is not so much the type of relationship, but perhaps the stage that is it at. With friend 2 it is a much earlier stage and (as you said) with friend 1 it comes in at full on serious and intense. And clearly I dont want that right now in life (despite being a ripe old age!).

 

You certainly can't help how you feel about people and it is wonderful that you had met someone who you felt strongly about, even if it did not go where you hoped. It sounds to me that you will soon be able to put yourself out there again. A guy who is in touch with how they feel sometimes seems like a rare thing so you are a sought after commodity!

[smudge21]

Hi Sunbird, sorry for delay in replying back - just going though a bit of a bad time due to obvious reasons. Anyway, back to your points - I don't always have that suck it and see attitude. After this current situation I'll be closed off again. I mean I met someone who managed to get past my wall but then didn't want to go through the front door, and has now gone. If anything that alone has reminded me to be more careful, more closed in, protect myself as the last thing I wanted was to get hurt again. I feel I did see this person as someone very special but now am seeing the truth, but sadly it's too late and it hurts. That's the trouble with feelings, it makes us blind to reality. With all that said, I totally get why you'd be nervous about getting involved again. I know I will be.

 

 

It's still a tough situation you're in despite you seeming to aim more towards friend 2, but I do detect that deep down maybe you simply don't want to date; don't want to share your life with someone right now. That's understandable. So many jump into relationships without truly realising the commitment that comes with it. If your unsure, then that won't magically go away once you're dating. I fully believe that before someone can share their happiness, they have to be happy with themselves. My perfect partner would be someone who is everything you expect from a partner but also happy in their own lives and confident of what they want. Maybe until you are ready you should just enjoy your life, do what you want to do. If you're this unsure then why even jump into a relationship with either. Keep them as friends, enjoy their company, maybe even try some FWB if both of you are on the same page (either F1 or F2), but be open and honest to them. Don't play with peoples emotions. As for ripe old age, ha ha, didn't you say thirties? You make it sound like you're close to retirement or something.

 

 

Kind words again, but as stated above, this has knocked me for six and it's not what I wanted right now. I was happy with myself up until she came along and now want to get back there. The hardest part has been in how she's changed recently - I'm not one of those people who can enjoy someone's company so much, make so much contact, have so much fun with them and then in the blink of an eye just turn it all off and walk away. So now that's happened, I'm at a loss as up until that point I was thinking she wasn't like this (in fact, from what she told me, the things she's been through in past relationships, it's a shock she would be so cold to someone who cared for her so much - after what I've been through, I would never subject that upon another). It makes me think that I never truly knew her and simply fell for the person I wanted her to be, rather than who she actually was. Shame.

[SunBird]

Hey Smudge (and everyone), thought I'd post an update although I don't know if you get notifications on old posts.

Typical me, months and months later, I am still in a stuck place. I am working with my therapist to try and get in touch with how I feel but it has not been easy, as always plagued with depression so that gets in the way of everything.

 

With friend 2 it naturally ended. He found it too 'difficult' to date within a close circle of friends and that just confirmed for me that he did not have significant enough feelings for me. Its a shame as i do still really fancy him (and I think he does me), but it helps as I can put that behind me. We still hang out and get on well, but I know deep down that it would never be anything major as he's pretty immature and clearly doesn't want a relationship (i've known him 18 months and he's really hot etc but doesnt date, clearly likes his own company too much!).

 

So surely then that helps how I feel about friend 1? Oh boy, you'd think. It's been so hard. Life carried on, with the elephant in the room. I didn't feel like I could move forward until I felt better (have had some pretty bad bouts of depression), but he was finding that hard even though he said it was ok. By April/May we said we should chat about it more. I said i didn't know if it would be a year or 10 years before i felt able to be in a relationship so it is better to be friends. Ultimately i wanted things to stay as they were, but without him being in a state of limbo. The question was is it possible for him to do that. Is he able to just be friends.

 

We both agreed how important we are to each other and that loosing that all together would be dreadful. But after a week of considering it he realised he needed total space in order to deal with it.

 

Well that has been just awful. I miss him SO much. The start was the worst as I was so used to messaging him or meeting up, then after a few weeks it got easier as I just got on with things. Then he had to get in touch about a few work things (our work is related) and it was harder all over again, not being able to talk about normal stuff and so on. The following we he had to call about work. When i got off the phone i cried, it surprised me.

 

He's like a huge hole in life. I'm lucky to have some good friends, but no one really gets me like he does, other than my sister. I know I can't have my cake and eat it so I have to get over that he isn't able to hang out. But it is a whole lot harder than I thought. It's interesting to read an old message where I said i need to accept he is just a friend. Well even doing that doesnt help, as even as a friend it hurts not to see him.

 

Maybe this isn't up to me. Maybe he means more to me than I am prepared to accept. Looking back at your messages and advice, smudge, about not holding back just because of fear... here I am nearly a year on from when i first had feelings for him. If I'm worried about going for the wrong guy again as i have over and over and the fact that im not getting any younger - well hell, what have i got to loose. I dont meet any new people as i find it hard to get out when feeling depressed. But right here under my nose is someone i feel reaaly strongly about. I cant go through life thinking there might always be someone else, someone more suited.

 

Though you do see those stories of people meeting their other halves who are best friends and really hot to them also. When i hear that i think i just haven't met the right person. But truely, the way my mind works, especially lately, i can imagine me being sure about anyone. I would always have ifs and buts as i do for everything else and it is only getting worse. For as long as i am uncertain about myself i am uncertain about my decisions.

 

What if i gave in to the feelings and try dating this friend. What if I get better and come back out of myself and realise that i am with completely the wrong person. He's the right person for who i am right now. But what if i get much better and gain my confidence again and feel that we are limiting each other.

 

Sigh. I am amazed at myself sometimes. So stuck. Perhaps he could be the unsticking of me and i need to just go with that. SOMEthing is making me have all these thoughts. No other 'friend' has taken hold in such a way.