Did sex with your WS feel... hollow after the affair?

[flickofthecoin]

7 months past DDay.

 

Despite having regular, fantastic sex with my WH, I more often than not walk away from our encounters feeling like only my most physical and base needs were met, and nothing more. While exciting, sex no longer feels special, and I no longer feel like I am being fed emotionally by having it.

 

Have any BSs out there felt this? Did the feeling go away?

[Ladyjane14]

7 months past DDay.

 

Despite having regular, fantastic sex with my WH, I more often than not walk away from our encounters feeling like only my most physical and base needs were met, and nothing more. While exciting, sex no longer feels special, and I no longer feel like I am being fed emotionally by having it.

 

Have any BSs out there felt this? Did the feeling go away?

 

I don't know, to be honest.

One of the by-products of adultery is that you no longer feel special to the spouse you thought you knew. The betrayal utterly destroys that.

 

If it helps any though... I often ponder on whether that whole notion of being a special person to someone was an illusion all along, and that maybe it's better to be awakened from a state of naivety. Love is not unconditional, after all. It depends on how we treat it.

[Midwestmissy]

I know what you mean - I think you (and I) are probably tentative about being completely vulnerable like we were before. I have insecurities about comparisons, etc. Plus, my wh and I had sex during the affair and knowing how easily he lied to me sometimes is pretty sickening to me. It's a tough spot to be in after being the one who didn't betray the vows.

[burnt]

If it helps any though... I often ponder on whether that whole notion of being a special person to someone was an illusion all along, and that maybe it's better to be awakened from a state of naivety. Love is not unconditional, after all. It depends on how we treat it.

 

^^ A harsh truth.

 

FlickOfTheCoin, so much what we feel must really be an illusion, if so much of it disappears with the Flick Of a Coin after all.

 

To add to the above post,

OP,

WHAT IF, you didn't have a D-day 7 months ago?

What if you were now being intimate with the same exact man you are married to without the knowledge of his infidelity?

 

The same exact you right now would be posting here saying how special your intimacy feels.

 

What IF, magically, someone erases your memory of the D-day, but not your husband's cheating history, the same exact you would feel special being intimate with him.

 

So, when we feel special, is it really based on the other person's actions, or based on how much of the other person's secrets we THINK we know and who we believe the other person is?

 

I suppose that's why many therapists insist that if one person cheats, he shouldn't disclose the truth to the partner.

 

That lying and hiding the truth can actually save the marriage.

Yep, illusion, indeed.

[Gigi2015]

7 months past DDay.

 

Despite having regular, fantastic sex with my WH, I more often than not walk away from our encounters feeling like only my most physical and base needs were met, and nothing more. While exciting, sex no longer feels special, and I no longer feel like I am being fed emotionally by having it.

 

Have any BSs out there felt this? Did the feeling go away?

 

First and foremost I'm sorry you're in pain. The truth is many marriages overcome infidelity. It is possible that you WILL feel special again. It is possible your marriage will be stronger! You are RAW right now. This feeling will go away if you're both truly invested. Once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater. If you have decided to stay with your spouse, choose to feed your brain with positivity. The side you feed is the side that grows. Force yourself to look at his current actions. This will tell you if he is truly remorseful. You will feel anger at times but be careful to stay in that mode....a marriage can't survive that.

[road]

You are only seven months past D day. Recovery takes two to five years. Is WH doing everything to make you feel safe. Is there 100% NC in that the OW lives next door or close, still works where WH does?

 

 

Are you faced with seeing places where the affair took place causing you triggers?

 

 

You see that recovery takes more then the WS no longer having sex with their AP.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I won't speak for John...but sex remained the same for me...after both affairs....but then my affair was very short....and his did not involve intercourse.

[dreamingoftigers]

I felt very tainted by my husband's adultery.

 

It affected my experience of sex with him and still does.

 

It's a major topic at marital counseling. We are JUST starting to tap into it now.

 

It definitely requires outside help to get through it.

[Gigi2015]

I won't speak for John...but sex remained the same for me...after both affairs....but then my affair was very short....and his did not involve intercourse.

 

I love your story Mrs. A because you are truly remorseful...and speak of your dedication to your H....

[Liam1]

7 months past DDay.

 

Despite having regular, fantastic sex with my WH, I more often than not walk away from our encounters feeling like only my most physical and base needs were met, and nothing more. While exciting, sex no longer feels special, and I no longer feel like I am being fed emotionally by having it.

 

Have any BSs out there felt this? Did the feeling go away?

 

Flick of the coin:

 

Speaking from my own perspective. The affair opened my eyes to how much I love my wife and how lucky I am to have her.

 

I can actually say that I now appreciate who she is more than ever.

 

I don't know if that helps, but the affair for me was the biggest failing of my life. I hate that I did that to my wife. I am deeply ashamed of who I became when having the affair. Maybe your husband feels the same.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I love your story Mrs. A because you are truly remorseful...and speak of your dedication to your H....

 

Thank you.....I love him with my whole being...and my affair is my deepest regret.

[Gigi2015]

I felt very tainted by my husband's adultery.

 

It affected my experience of sex with him and still does.

 

It's a major topic at marital counseling. We are JUST starting to tap into it now.

 

It definitely requires outside help to get through it.

 

Remind yourself there is no better sex than with the one you love...there's other types of sex but NONE more satisfying!

[ladydesigner]

I am 4 years out from initial Dday with MOW and 1.5 years from False R and yes sex is hollow. I no longer trust my WH so I am assuming it is because of that. Don't get me wrong, the sex is good, but I am not emotionally attached.

[ladydesigner]

I don't know, to be honest.

One of the by-products of adultery is that you no longer feel special to the spouse you thought you knew. The betrayal utterly destroys that.

 

If it helps any though... I often ponder on whether that whole notion of being a special person to someone was an illusion all along, and that maybe it's better to be awakened from a state of naivety. Love is not unconditional, after all. It depends on how we treat it.

 

This is freaking fantastic and ultimately sums up how I feel.

[dreamingoftigers]

Remind yourself there is no better sex than with the one you love...there's other types of sex but NONE more satisfying!

 

Well..........

 

When you don't feel loved and special in THAT way, it greatly changes everything.

[Gigi2015]

Well..........

 

When you don't feel loved and special in THAT way, it greatly changes everything.

 

 

Wow!! It's a big eye opener for me. Also--lady designer 4 years out and still...

I wonder it that special part of it ever comes back? I wonder if the WS still has that because the BS hasn't cheated?

[Mrs. John Adams]

This all makes me wonder...if the BS is still harboring feelings of resentment (that's what i think I am hearing...please tell me if I am wrong)...and it affects the intimacy of sex....then why do they remain in the relationship?

 

If the WS is doing everything to make the BS feel safe.....if they are remorseful...and the BS has given forgiveness....then why does the sex feel hollow?

 

I understand....fully engaging in the relationship....will forever carry a fear of repeated betrayal.....but I also think the relationship has to eventually be restored to some degree of trust and safety. That's what reconciliation is. I think the intimacy has to be restored and if it isn't....there must be issues that still need to be addressed. I think if John...felt hollow....I would want to know so I could try to help him to feel fulfilled....to feel safe....and to feel loved.

 

So my question to those who feel hollow...have you told your spouse? and if you have not....why? and how do you think they can help you? What can they do for you?

[ShatteredLady]

My H's latest A was EA (with same OW from 12 years ago) I'm a mess! Those 12 years have vanished. It's all become one!!

 

It's depression. It's PTSD. Whatever name you give it I'm broken & having such a hard time fixing myself. Some days I feel I'm getting better then everything crashes.

 

One of the 'abuses' 12 years ago was my H venomously critiquing my 'performance' straight after having sex (everything from how I feel too the noises I make). Vulnerable, naked, humiliated, clutching my sheet like armor. It was horrible. It's all I hear & feel now, triggers, flashbacks.

 

Now I've had 2 babies (with stitches). Surgeries, scars, degenerative spine that stops me being perfectly toned & trim. I've shrunk over 3" in my lumbar area. My scared tummy will never be flat again. Logically I know I'm in ok shape for my age but perception is everything & I don't trust his perception of me.

 

Between insecurities, abusive words, reading his endless flattery of her I feel awkward, ugly, naked & frightened. It used to be a wonderful, fun, bonding, very special thing. Now I'd rather just do things for him & feel his pleasure. If I loose the 'moment' for a second I feel terrible anxiety consuming me.

 

I was a very confident sexual person. It was so important to me. Not just the sex but the laying naked in his arms. Like everything else I'm praying that time will heal. I miss me. It's horrible to have that sick, sinking feeling in the place of the trembling anticipation butterflies.

 

My H says I'm too sensitive & never forget anything. It's like living his life on camera because I have a unnatural photographic memory. How do you lock all the pain away in a little box & forget?

[Ladyjane14]

This all makes me wonder...if the BS is still harboring feelings of resentment (that's what i think I am hearing...please tell me if I am wrong)...and it affects the intimacy of sex....then why do they remain in the relationship?

 

If the WS is doing everything to make the BS feel safe.....if they are remorseful...and the BS has given forgiveness....then why does the sex feel hollow?

 

I understand....fully engaging in the relationship....will forever carry a fear of repeated betrayal.....but I also think the relationship has to eventually be restored to some degree of trust and safety. That's what reconciliation is. I think the intimacy has to be restored and if it isn't....there must be issues that still need to be addressed. I think if John...felt hollow....I would want to know so I could try to help him to feel fulfilled....to feel safe....and to feel loved.

 

So my question to those who feel hollow...have you told your spouse? and if you have not....why? and how do you think they can help you? What can they do for you?

 

It's not about hidden resentment or a failure to engage. It's about the knowledge that you were replaced... simply replaced, as if you were nothing, no one special.

 

That's toothpaste that can't be squeezed back into the tube, you know?

 

And what a mixed bag when your partner has "affaired down" as so many married men do... when you've been replaced by what could charitably be described as a bridge troll. On the one hand, you know in your heart of hearts that you're a better person in every measurable way... starting with having a conscience and a soul. But on the other, what opinion must he have held of you that such a cheap, revolting substitute was sufficient?

 

At the end of the day the question for the betrayed spouse becomes, "is everyone replaceable... or was it just me"?

 

So, I ponder. I wonder whether we're ALL expendable under the right conditions. And if that's so, then maybe it wasn't just me after all.

[ladydesigner]

This all makes me wonder...if the BS is still harboring feelings of resentment (that's what i think I am hearing...please tell me if I am wrong)...and it affects the intimacy of sex....then why do they remain in the relationship? Million dollar question for me for sure I think I am still processing and it is taking me time. Scared to D, the usual kids, finances, love albeit not as strong.

 

If the WS is doing everything to make the BS feel safe.....if they are remorseful...and the BS has given forgiveness....then why does the sex feel hollow?

My WH did not do everything to make me feel safe, he did the opposite, which is why I think I feel hollow.

 

I understand....fully engaging in the relationship....will forever carry a fear of repeated betrayal.....but I also think the relationship has to eventually be restored to some degree of trust and safety. That's what reconciliation is. I think the intimacy has to be restored and if it isn't....there must be issues that still need to be addressed. I think if John...felt hollow....I would want to know so I could try to help him to feel fulfilled....to feel safe....and to feel loved.

 

So my question to those who feel hollow...have you told your spouse? and if you have not....why? and how do you think they can help you? What can they do for you?

I did tell my spouse and we were both at a point where we wanted to throw in the towel. I've let him know where I'm at every step of the way and he insists that he proves he can become better. In the meantime I live my life and hope I can come to a conclusion about my M. I am trying though, trying to reconnect the best that I can, but it's still not working. My walls are still up.

 

Answers in bold

[Ladyjane14]

I've dropped my walls... both inside and outside the bedroom. In for a penny, in for a pound, I figure. So far, I haven't had cause to regret it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But on the other, what opinion must he have held of you that such a cheap, revolting substitute was sufficient?

 

At the end of the day the question for the betrayed spouse becomes, "is everyone replaceable... or was it just me"?

 

So, I ponder. I wonder whether we're ALL expendable under the right conditions. And if that's so, then maybe it wasn't just me after a

 

 

 

Lady J and lady D...thank you both for your answers.

 

I hear both of you and I understand what you are saying.

 

Can I tell you something? I want you to know that your husbands did not think less of you...their actions tell you they did...but here is the truth...

They were too involved in thinking about themselves. I never thought about john...I thought about me. I think we as cheaters get so caught up in ourselves that our spouses are removed from our minds.....not replaced by another man or another woman....replaced by US. Our focus becomes US. I never purposely set out to hurt John....I did not THINK about him....if i had been thinking about john...i would never have gone to lunch with mr. professor. Do you see what I am trying to say?

 

You are analyzing your WH's affair from YOUR perspective instead of from theirs. You did not cheat...so for you to put yourself in his shoes is impossible. You are being logical....well he did this so he must have thought this.....and it just is not that way.

 

Getting into the mind of a cheater...understanding what they are thinking and why they are thinking it....is almost impossible for those who have never allowed themselves to stoop so low.

 

I hate to hear you question your worth or your value in the eyes of your WH ....I hate to imagine that you think you can be replaced.....and if this is what you think....my john must also think the same thing.

 

I pray your husbands show you how important you are...how special you are....and how grateful they are for giving them a second chance.

 

Again...I thank you so much for your helping me to understand.

[Ladyjane14]

But on the other, what opinion must he have held of you that such a cheap, revolting substitute was sufficient?

 

At the end of the day the question for the betrayed spouse becomes, "is everyone replaceable... or was it just me"?

 

So, I ponder. I wonder whether we're ALL expendable under the right conditions. And if that's so, then maybe it wasn't just me after a

 

 

 

Lady J and lady D...thank you both for your answers.

 

I hear both of you and I understand what you are saying.

 

Can I tell you something? I want you to know that your husbands did not think less of you...their actions tell you they did...but here is the truth...

They were too involved in thinking about themselves. I never thought about john...I thought about me. I think we as cheaters get so caught up in ourselves that our spouses are removed from our minds.....not replaced by another man or another woman....replaced by US. Our focus becomes US. I never purposely set out to hurt John....I did not THINK about him....if i had been thinking about john...i would never have gone to lunch with mr. professor. Do you see what I am trying to say?

 

You are analyzing your WH's affair from YOUR perspective instead of from theirs. You did not cheat...so for you to put yourself in his shoes is impossible. You are being logical....well he did this so he must have thought this.....and it just is not that way.

 

Getting into the mind of a cheater...understanding what they are thinking and why they are thinking it....is almost impossible for those who have never allowed themselves to stoop so low.

 

I hate to hear you question your worth or your value in the eyes of your WH ....I hate to imagine that you think you can be replaced.....and if this is what you think....my john must also think the same thing.

 

I pray your husbands show you how important you are...how special you are....and how grateful they are for giving them a second chance.

 

Again...I thank you so much for your helping me to understand.

 

While I'd agree that it's about the perception of the cheater, I would disagree that it's never a directed perception. Oftentimes the betrayal is quite deliberate... personal; done with anger, malice, blame. So yeah... there are cases when it IS all about thinking less of a mate, replacing them.

 

I'm not saying that circumstances and perceptions don't change. Life is fluid. But I can't deny the basic truth of those perceptions existing at the time. They could exist again under similar circumstances. Who knows?

 

Like I said earlier, love isn't as unconditional as we'd like to believe.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...it sounds as though you believe your WH really felt that way....but i will tell you I did not. I am glad that you have dropped your walls and are all in....and i hope he never disappoints you again.

 

again thanks for discussing it with me.

[JohnAdams]

I will chime in. The OP is 7 months out of D day. In the world of infidelity that is still very fresh. As Mrs. JA said, we never quit having sex. I would never describe it as hollow.

 

 

However, for me, and perhaps because I am a man, I can recall times early on that my mind drifted in the middle of sex. It was primarily the mind movies that would pop up. I found the thought totally revolting. I know that I have read others on here that are turned on by the thought, quite the opposite for me.

 

 

In her case, she did not trade down. It is hard if not impossible to not take it, the affair personally.

 

 

So yes, insecurities, mind movies, loss of self esteem definitely affects sex. I guess it is how you define hollow, but, I do not think I felt that way.