scrOOge Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Hey everyone, basically what it says in the title, but actually my story is very long and complicated and I am at a loss currently. I am 28 years old. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 7 years. She is my first and only true love, but she has had other relationships. The first two years of our relationship we did long distance before I moved to her home town and got a good job there. We immediately moved in together and have been living together ever since. About two years ago we talked about marriage. I did a lot of research and bought an engagement ring in the beginning of 2015. Sadly our work life took the better of us and I didn't propose, because we were so caught up in everything else and I wasn't ready back then. She gave me a deadline to propose until the end of 2015, which I didn't keep. I told her that I am ready now and I have reached that stage were I would like to marry her and start a family. But because of the marriage issue (she suffers from depression and anxiety) our relationship took a turn for the worse. She fixated all her energy on the fact that I didn't propose in time, although she keeps saying the deadline was silly. I kept reassuring her that I am ready and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It happened about a month ago that I by chance noticed that she was flirting with another single guy. I am absolutely sure that nothing happened but that part caused even more strain on our relationship. She has since broken that part off and I forgave her. I quit my permanent job at the end of January, because I was working such long hours and couldn't spend much time with her - I want to save us and felt that in my current job I would't be able to give her the attention she deserves. My company offered me a freelance job in the meanwhile, which I am doing. I work from home while she has a good paying job now. After I didn't propose she told me that "it's over". She didn't move out though and little actually changed. She still said she loved me, but that she "broke the connection". She gave me weekly deadlines telling me to prove myself to her. After a few sessions with her therapist she said that was also silly and no more deadlines. After all that I went to see her therapist to ask for advice and she said that my girlfriend needs to take her meds for her depression which hasn't done for months. She started that and now, because of the meds, our sex life is non-existent. After she had a very long session with therapist a few weeks ago she would tell me the future of us. I came home only to find her overdose on her meds. It wasn't too serious as she was still fine, although a bit high, but I still panicked. I grabbed the ring and asked her right then and there and we were engaged. About a week ago things were still not going well and I had basically given up much hope. The day before valentines day she came up and said "let's give this a proper chance" and things were amazing for a couple of days thereafter. In the meanwhile my company has offered me a permanent position in another town. Now she keeps pushing me to take up the offer and move away and has all of a sudden become distant again. I haven't taken the offer as I wish to still fix us. Now we are basically back to were we were a few weeks ago. She has now given me a list of demands that I should fulfil, amongst others connect more with her family more. She has good friend that I have not spend much time with. I don't get along with her and I am also a bit of a shy person. I told her that I will make an effort, but I feel like whatever I do will not be good enough. Even if I meet all her demands she says she doesn't know if she will be happy. What makes my situation bad is the fact that my parents live close to the current town were we live in and I don't want to take on the offer in another town as I wish to keep seeing my parents. Now I am stuck at home working as a freelance writer, constantly pondering where we are heading. Her therapist said that I am not a depressed, but that she and the current situation is pulling me down. I love that woman more than anything and I still see a future for us. Even her therapist said "beautiful" at the fact that after almost 7 years I still love her so much. How can I rekindle the spark? Or how do I deal with all that's going on?
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. You are in for a long, difficult future for yourself if you stay with her. DO NOT MARRY HER. Unfortunately you're in a no-win situation here. She is too ill to have a healthy relationship, and despite saying you're not depressed, you are being dragged down with her. 1
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Oh my days... You are thinking about marrying this girl? You should run for the hills! Please do not do it. Please just break up and be done with it. If you marry her this is what your life will look like. Within a couple of years she will probably run off with another bloke. When you get upset and confront her she will tell you its your fault. You will end up hurt, lost and being her patsey. She will blame you for every mood, temper tantrum and anything else negative in her life. You will end up feeling like poop constantly. Get a grip and get out. This is NOT a healthy relationship. This isn't even a relationship its a dictatorship!
PegNosePete Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Within a couple of years she will probably run off with another bloke. Yes, that's a very real possibility when dealing with a depressed partner. They stay with you because you're their rock, they rely on you, they need you. They don't get attention from others, they don't think they are desirable to others, they are usually sitting alone at home with you essentially becoming their carer. But when they recover, they discover the world is their oyster and they are desired by others. Meanwhile you've become Mr. Boring Stay At Home and lost your personality, fire, passion and attractiveness. They are grateful to you for helping them through the rough times but are no longer attracted to you as a partner. Especially since the sex died off long ago. As you've discovered your life will be hell while she's ill, and there's an extremely high chance that you will get dumped or cheated on when she recovers. Personally I would be looking for an exit strategy ASAP.
kidm Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Yah I guess it's beautiful that you beautiful but nothing you described about the relationship sounds beautiful. You've invested almost 7 years and so you may be tempted to keep fighting a losing battle but I think you should cut your losses now and get out of the relationship. Can you get your old job back if you don't want to move?
Art_Critic Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I love that woman more than anything and I still see a future for us. Actions speak louder than words and your actions are a direct contradiction to those words, you won't marry her and didn't propose. Time to file this one under education in relationships and the next time you 'research marriage' maybe you should stop googling and look into your heart and face the person you are in love with rather than create another excuse to not commit.
Itspointless Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 This isn't even a relationship its a dictatorship! This was my feeling too.
Toodaloo Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Yes, that's a very real possibility when dealing with a depressed partner. Personally I would be looking for an exit strategy ASAP. This has nothing to do with depression it has everything to do with her being a bad egg and treating him like dog poo on her shoe. She is just using depression as an excuse. Being vile is not normally a symptom of depression. It is a symptom of being a nasty person.
mightycpa Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 It happened about a month ago that I by chance noticed that she was flirting with another single guy. I am absolutely sure that nothing happened but that part caused even more strain on our relationship. She has since broken that part off and I forgave her. I quit my permanent job at the end of January, because I was working such long hours and couldn't spend much time with her - I want to save us and felt that in my current job I wouldn't be able to give her the attention she deserves.This part right here will tell you everything you need to know, but you're going to have to study this in order to get it. Let me help: she was flirting with another single guyI forgave herI quit my permanent job...because...I want to save us...I felt that...I wouldn't be able to give her the attention she deserves If she was giving that kind of attention to anybody else, then you have a problem with her interest. If you think that you can't keep a demanding job because she's not getting enough attention from you, then you are fooling yourself. You can't sustain that kind of attention for the rest of your life. She has to have a natural interest in you which can withstand your neglect from time to time, and when circumstances demand. You're fighting a losing battle. Walk away, while you can keep your head held high.
ontar Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 She's got you totally wrapped around her finger. Even if you did get permission to marry her she'll control you for the rest of your days. You've invested, what, 7 yrs in this failing union? Cut the cord and get your life back. It will hurt but only for a short while.
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