Getting anxious as date 3 might approach

[brokengirl85]

Hi all,

 

I had two dates with a guy I met online. First date he wanted me to go to his home, second date it was a dinner but he said he'd like me to go to his home. I told him (both times) no.

I don't know what's wrong with me, because I haven't been with a man in 15 months approx, but just the thought of having sex scares me to death. I could had gone tonight to his home but I got scared and quickly told him I had other things to do.

 

I feel awkward with myself because this is the second guy I dated in all these 15 months but I couldn't be intimate with neither of them.

 

When I think of the act of having sex it's a nice idea, but when they propose so, I start to feel uneasy. I've been in a very traumatic experience before in which a guy used me for sex deceiving me and my guess is I have some sort of trauma.

 

Could it be this or its I don't feel comfortable enough? I just don't understand myself

 

I'd like to add that I'm so scared now of the fact that this guy is available and likes me, I just couldn't reply to his last text inviting he for a third date. I read the text but I just cannot reply

Edited February 11, 2016 by brokengirl85

[BlueIris]

Be true to yourself. That's always the right way to go. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, don’t do it.

 

If he pressures you or always circles back to sex, let him go. People who pressure other people to do what they want don't make good partners anyway. But if he respects your choices and you have fun with him and feel comfortable around him, keep seeing him.

[Jejangles]

It's totally normal and ok to not feel ready for sex after two dates! Be true to yourself - if you don't like having sex with strangers (which someone basically is after two dates) then don't have sex with strangers. And don't stay in contact with me who push for sex so early on. There are men out there who will wait a bit to get to know you before they try to get you into bed.

[yxalitis]

Hi all,

 

I had two dates with a guy I met online. First date he wanted me to go to his home, second date it was a dinner but he said he'd like me to go to his home. I told him (both times) no.

I don't know what's wrong with me, because I haven't been with a man in 15 months approx, but just the thought of having sex scares me to death. I could had gone tonight to his home but I got scared and quickly told him I had other things to do.

 

I feel awkward with myself because this is the second guy I dated in all these 15 months but I couldn't be intimate with neither of them.

 

When I think of the act of having sex it's a nice idea, but when they propose so, I start to feel uneasy. I've been in a very traumatic experience before in which a guy used me for sex deceiving me and my guess is I have some sort of trauma.

 

Could it be this or its I don't feel comfortable enough? I just don't understand myself

 

I'd like to add that I'm so scared now of the fact that this guy is available and likes me, I just couldn't reply to his last text inviting he for a third date. I read the text but I just cannot reply

 

OMG, darling, don't beat yourself up because some sleazebag suggested a home visit ON THE FIRST DATE!!

Sex is vastly better when you know, and are comfortable with the person.

I've had 1st date sex, and frankly, its; never as good as when I've waited.

 

Hmm, thinking about it...the longest I've ever had to wait for sex, ever, in my whole life, was 3 dates...

I've dated longer than that, of course, but in those cases it all fizzled out.

I wonder what that says about me...

[brokengirl85]

Thank you. I just feel bad because we are mature people and we "should" be comfortable enough to go and have sex and continue with our lives, but for me to have sex is more deep than that.

 

I'm feeling sad because I have walls on from previous relationships and is highly noticeable.

 

At this point, I don't feel like to reply to his message proposing he a third date. I already thanked him for the dinner and wished him to have a nice weekend, but I'm so scared to get hurt I might not be ready to seriously date anyone at this point.

 

I realize I unconsciously start to play mind games with men, not replying to messages, trying to remain mysterious, etc etc, and thus makes guys to grow tired, which is perfectly normal. Thing is I'm still very much broken, I fear intimacy and I'm not good at relaxing and letting things flow

[OceanWavesNightSky]

Don't let any guy ever pressure you for sex. I've gone over a year without having sex because she wasn't ready. We did other stuff physically, but all I cared about was being with her.

 

If she wasn't ready for sex, I was more than willing to wait as long as needed until she was ready and if that meant marriage that's what I would have done.

 

Anyways, point here is when a guy truly cares he will wait until you're ready because he cares about YOU more than sex.

[yxalitis]

Don't let any guy ever pressure you for sex. I've gone over a year without having sex because she wasn't ready. We did other stuff physically, but all I cared about was being with her.

 

If she wasn't ready for sex, I was more than willing to wait as long as needed until she was ready and if that meant marriage that's what I would have done.

 

Anyways, point here is when a guy truly cares he will wait until you're ready because he cares about YOU more than sex.

Err, a YEAR?

Are you having sex yet?

I admire your stance...but a YEAR?!!

And, um...define "other stuff"

[fitnessfan365]

Jeez give yourself a break. I mean it'd be one thing if you were this way after months and months of dating. But this is two dates we're talking about here. It's perfectly OK not to feel ready after only a few dates IMO.

[brokengirl85]

Thank you. But what if I messaged this guy first on the dating site and my message was flirty and stated "I'm looking for fun"

 

That's my initial message, but I changed my mind and realized i cannot do the one night stand thing (never done it in my entire life!) or yo even have sex on a second date. Would that make me a deceiving person?

[Jabron1]

Don't let any guy ever pressure you for sex. I've gone over a year without having sex because she wasn't ready. We did other stuff physically, but all I cared about was being with her.

 

If she wasn't ready for sex, I was more than willing to wait as long as needed until she was ready and if that meant marriage that's what I would have done.

 

Anyways, point here is when a guy truly cares he will wait until you're ready because he cares about YOU more than sex.

 

Speak for yourself, mate. Some of us won't tolerate spending a year of our lives being a eunuch.

 

And it doesn't mean we don't care; it means there isn't suitable chemistry.

 

OP, are things moving along smoothly in a physical sense, or are these invitations just coming out of nowhere and hitting you cold?

[brokengirl85]

Speak for yourself, mate. Some of us won't tolerate spending a year of our lives being a eunuch.

 

And it doesn't mean we don't care; it means there isn't suitable chemistry.

 

OP, are things moving along smoothly in a physical sense, or are these invitations just coming out of nowhere and hitting you cold?

 

First date he told me directly if I wanted to go to his home.

Second date he suggested he wanted to see a Netflix movie "right now". He repeated it two minutes later, as if suggesting if I wanted to join him but maybe I got it wrong I don't know. I replied I had things to do after. He seemed confused for a while.

Otherwise he's very correct.

 

I haven't replied to his text because I'm not sure what he wants. I'm not sure what j want either at this point

[Arieswoman]

Brokengirl88,

 

 

"But what if I messaged this guy first on the dating site and my message was flirty and stated "I'm looking for fun"

 

That's my initial message, but I changed my mind and realized i cannot do the one night stand thing (never done it in my entire life!) or yo even have sex on a second date. Would that make me a deceiving person? "

 

 

I'm not sure that I understand this quite correctly.

 

 

If you put "I'm looking for fun" don't be surprised that you get guys who will be pushing for sex.

 

 

I would be careful what you say to guys before you meet them. Men will follow your lead and if they think you are leading them into the bedroom then sure as hell they're going to follow!

 

 

Change your approach and you'll attract the guys who will respect you for your standards.

• 
  

[Jabron1]

First date he told me directly if I wanted to go to his home.

Second date he suggested he wanted to see a Netflix movie "right now". He repeated it two minutes later, as if suggesting if I wanted to join him but maybe I got it wrong I don't know. I replied I had things to do after. He seemed confused for a while.

Otherwise he's very correct.

 

So, he keeps propositioning you without any build up? Sounds like he's making sex a logical decision for you, rather than an emotional one. You probably need to just be swept along emotionally.

 

The problem might be that he isn't a good enough lover, and you need to look for someone more sensitive, who knows what he's doing. He just sounds clumsy to be honest.

 

Hell, you are making this easy for him. Do you know how many guys would love a woman sending them the initial opening message on a dating site saying 'I'm looking for fun"?

[brokengirl85]

So, he keeps propositioning you without any build up? Sounds like he's making sex a logical decision for you, rather than an emotional one. You probably need to just be swept along emotionally.

 

The problem might be that he isn't a good enough lover, and you need to look for someone more sensitive, who knows what he's doing. He just sounds clumsy to be honest.

 

Hell, you are making this easy for him. Do you know how many guys would love a woman sending them the initial opening message on a dating site saying 'I'm looking for fun"?

 

I think you're right. He seems clumsy. I've never felt that awkward myself but because he looked so uncomfortable after proposing me to have sex!

But yes, no build up. No sexual tension no nothing.

We kissed (lips closed) the first date and this second date same.

 

Ugh I don't know what to think honestly

[Arieswoman]

brokengirl85,

 

 

"Ugh I don't know what to think honestly"

 

 

I'm not trying to be unkind but maybe you should take a break from dating is you don't really know what you want?

 

 

Your dating life is under your control and it's your choice how you spend your time. If you don't want casual sex, then don't set your stall out to attract people who want that.

 

 

When I was doing OLD I was very specific in my profile about what I wanted but I still got bozos. I just didn't waste my time with them once it was apparent that we weren't on the same page.

 

 

One guy, who was a psychologist (!), told me on the first date that "he liked to get into a sexual relationship quickly". I thanked him for his company but said that I didn't want that, excused myself and walked out.

 

 

You need to set some standards and stick with them, no exception.

 

Good luck.

[Jabron1]

Way I see it is that you have some issues, but the desire to be intimate and move past these issues is clearly there. He needs to lead (keyword) you smoothly to being intimate.

 

Blurting out that he wants to see Netflix 'right now' repeatedly? Not exactly Cassanova is he?

 

You just have some hangups regarding intimacy (most people seem to), and you'll soon find a guy to get you over it. But, this might not be the guy.

 

Whatever you do, don't get all insecure and start over-analyzing. This isn't as big of a problem as you think it is.

 

You've only dated two guys in fifteen months. Give a few more guys a chance, and one of them will probably be decent. To improve the quality, this time let the guy come to you. So, no more initiating, and no more "I'm looking for fun". You'll only attract clowns. This time make it so the guy has to work a bit harder from the off.

[brokengirl85]

Guys, given the fact I'm lacking other options (I have none to be honest) I'm just keep thinking about this guy.

It's really curious that after I ignored his last text he did not reach out to be again. He also was visiting my online profile once a day before our second date and now I see him online but his last visit to my profile was last Monday.

 

I don't know. I guess I feel rejected again. My line of thinking is the following:

 

If a guy is into me, as he professed on our last date, he'll keep insisting, at least one time more after an ignored text. I've had guys who sent me texts four, five times even though I stopped replying to them.

So I'm thinking that he didn't like me enough. Ugh. Again. Yes, no one seems to like me enough lately. Am I right?

[Arieswoman]

Brokengirl,

you are giving this guy far too much headspace.

 

He didn't get sex, he lost interest, so move on.

 

Why are you so bothered that you were rejected by a jerk?

 

Update your profile and look for someone better.

 

Good luck

[brokengirl85]

Brokengirl,

you are giving this guy far too much headspace.

 

He didn't get sex, he lost interest, so move on.

 

Why are you so bothered that you were rejected by a jerk?

 

Update your profile and look for someone better.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you, arieswoman. I tend to get stuck with guys. It's something about my personality, that I cannot let go even though I know they're not good.

Do you think he was after sex, after all?

[Arieswoman]

brokengirl20,

 

Do you think he was after sex, after all?

 

Yes, but you were 50% to blame by putting that stuff about "wanting fun" on your profile!

 

That's why I said you should set your stall out differently.

 

Good luck.

[brokengirl85]

brokengirl20,

 

 

 

Yes, but you were 50% to blame by putting that stuff about "wanting fun" on your profile!

 

That's why I said you should set your stall out differently.

 

Good luck.

 

I acknowledge that. Oh well

[Qboro90]

Don't ever text or message a guy saying "I'm looking for fun". EVER!

 

That's literally saying that "I want to have casual sex, not looking for anything serious"

 

So if that's what you're telling and messaging these guys then you should not be surprised at then trying to get you into bed. You're deceiving them by what you're saying and then how you're acting when you're with them. If you want to see this guy again then you need to explain to him that you want to make sure he doesn't have the wrong impression of you based on your initial message on the site. You're not just looking for a casual fling, you want to find someone you connect with and who wants a relationship. If he tells you he wants the same them you can proceed, however don't sleep with him for another couple dates and see if he continues to ask you out.

 

You don't seem ready for dating at all but if you're not going to wait, then at least start using your head

[brokengirl85]

Don't ever text or message a guy saying "I'm looking for fun". EVER!

 

That's literally saying that "I want to have casual sex, not looking for anything serious"

 

So if that's what you're telling and messaging these guys then you should not be surprised at then trying to get you into bed. You're deceiving them by what you're saying and then how you're acting when you're with them. If you want to see this guy again then you need to explain to him that you want to make sure he doesn't have the wrong impression of you based on your initial message on the site. You're not just looking for a casual fling, you want to find someone you connect with and who wants a relationship. If he tells you he wants the same them you can proceed, however don't sleep with him for another couple dates and see if he continues to ask you out.

 

You don't seem ready for dating at all but if you're not going to wait, then at least start using your head

 

I've been single for 15 months already. I still miss my ex relationship (unrequited love but he used me for sex) and even though I've blocked him, I've discovered I'm looking for guys who resemble him. He was a player, so go figure.

 

In the beginning when I messaged this new guy I was looking for fun but I realized I cannot do it. I've never in my life dated anyone "for fun" so this experiment is not working. I like connections and I like emotions, I could never have sex with an stranger. I feel uneasy just by the thought of him proposing me to have sex over and over.

 

He's not going to contact me again, that's my guess.

[Qboro90]

I've been single for 15 months already. I still miss my ex relationship (unrequited love but he used me for sex) and even though I've blocked him, I've discovered I'm looking for guys who resemble him. He was a player, so go figure.

 

In the beginning when I messaged this new guy I was looking for fun but I realized I cannot do it. I've never in my life dated anyone "for fun" so this experiment is not working. I like connections and I like emotions, I could never have sex with an stranger. I feel uneasy just by the thought of him proposing me to have sex over and over.

 

He's not going to contact me again, that's my guess.

 

Just because you've been single for a year and a half doesn't mean you have to erase the standards you have for yourself. You're hung up on your ex and taking those feelings and how that relationship worked Into the dates you go in now. You'll never have success if you keep doing that.

 

Listen to what you're saying... You're looking for a "player" just like your ex was. Then you meet a player and get upset when you see he's still talking to other girls or still active on OLD. What's that tell you? Tells me that you have no idea what you want and haven't fully gotten past your previous break up yet because you don't even know what a healthy relationship would look like.

 

Most girls know that you don't tell guys "I'm looking for fun" then wonder why they want to have sex with you. Most girls don't chase players after dating one who mistreated them. Most girls can learn from their past instead of purposely trying to repeat it.

 

You're seriously trying to find another player who is going to cheat on you and mistreat you.

 

So explain how that makes sense and why you think you're ready to date anyone with that mindset

[brokengirl85]

I'm having mixed feelings right now.

this guy I've been casually dating has proposed a third date at his home.

 

While I initially contacted him through a dating site with a message that said I was just looking for fun, we've been in two dates, we barely kissed goodbye (mouth closed), there hasn't been any flirting at all, besides him telling he likes me and he was shy because of that, and our communication through text is kind of poor.

 

Maybe it's me the one to blame, but...going to his home? I know sex is implicit and I don't know if I'm ready to be at that level yet.

 

I'd like another casual date, let's say, going to the movies, before I could decide whether I want to have sex or not.

 

I still haven't replied his text, and I'd like to make it clear that, while I'm still interested in getting to know more of him, I'm not ready for sex yet.

 

Does this make any sense for you guys?