Withholding sex...at a breaking point

[ksol9]

You sound so much like me, very codependent, always giving far more than I was getting. Read the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. The book helped me overcome my devastating feelings of grief, abandonment, and failure during a tough break up--a break up that absolutely needed to happen and should have happened much sooner. It seems you are feeling that same way, and her book will give you a very different perspective--along with strength and hope.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank for the book suggestion. I think this is something I'm going to take up...reading. Self help books. I want to change. I want to grow. I want to make sense of why I haven't gotten it right with someone up until this point.

 

Co-dependence. I remember hearing that word for the first time. I was sitting in the office a counselor at a women's abuse shelter. I had left my abuser and needed counseling to move forward. I learned so much. I am the definition of co dependent. I don't think I will be anything other than that. It is ingrained in me. It is just now that I need to learn more about myself and grow as a person. I need to make better choices.

 

I've decided that I want to see a fertility doctor to see how fertile I am. I have had concerns about trouble conceiving. If I am ok I want to plan to freeze my eggs in the next few years. I want to have a better idea about my ability to conceive. I will be 32 in a few months and while many women have no trouble conceiving well into their 30's, I have had concern because I was in a 3 year relationship prior to this one, no birth control or protection, and I was unable to become pregnant...for good reasons and thank god for that. I don't know the future, but I want to prepare for it. I believe it will give me peace of mind and then I won't be in a rush to find someone to settle

 

As for this relationship, I can't express how broken I am. It truly is like a death. I keep saying I can't believe I will never see or hear from them again?? it's unbelievable to me that from one day to the next he no longer wanted me in his life. I don't see how someone could do that. Especially with the connection we had. I can't wrap my head around it, but there has been one conclusion I've come to over the past few days. I'm hoping I can put it into words for you all to understand. I believe in my heart that I put my all into that relationship. I did all that I could do to do things the right way. It's not like I was doing anything wrong in regards to cheating or manipulating the situation, or anything for that matter. I did my best. I gave with my entire heart. I think my only downfall was not allowing things to breathe. Not allowing it a chance to mend. I was consistently prying, but that is minute compared to all that I put into saving the relationship. I don't mean material or what I contributed to the house and children. I mean my commitment to making things right. I believe I gave till the very end and in that I find solace. My only hope is that he realizes that. It has only been a few short days since our relationship ended, but I feel like it's been forever.

Edited February 21, 2016 by ksol9

[Dolfin80]

Sweeti I think u are being way to hard on yourself. Read that book as its great I have a copy.

 

Men do this kind of behaviour. My last relationship went like this. I flew to England from Aust, stayed there for 2 months, he proposed to me. I had to return to Aust, he then didn't contact me for a few days, he then dumped me via email and he never spoke to me about why he dumped me.

 

It's not you ok, there's nothing wrong with you. It's men they haven't fallen long out of the tree, they are extremely immature and selfish. They use women. Feminism has come along way since the 1960, but we still get treated poorly in society by men.

 

The word co dependent is stupid, it just means you're dating a selfish prick who doesn't care about you!

 

A lot of men see women as objects, once they are sick of you they just throw you away and get another one. They don't see you as a loving human being.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Dolfin80

[soleilesquire]

OP, please don't let this one man color your view of the entire male population. Don't let it make you bitter, jaded, and sad.

 

There are many many good men out there. He's just not one of them.

 

This has nothing to do with Gloria Steinem or misandry. This is one selfish man.

 

You deserve better.

[thecharade]

The real question you should be asking is why did you give so much, invest so much, without ever getting what you were looking for in return? If he never made promises for the future, never made you feel you were the one, special, perfect, if he made you feel he was actually cheating, then WHY did you give so much? Why did he DESERVE all you gave?????

 

He didn't. That is the part of this that you need to own, the part that will set you free.

 

Why did he have to do and be so little, and that was enough for you? Why did you settle? Why did you try to create something good out of nothing instead of walking away and thinking, "Nope, he is NOT meeting my standards"?

[thecharade]

In my experience, you are replicating a relationship you lived when you were young, when you were trying so hard to get someone to love you in the way you deserved. Mom? Dad? It feels natural then to "win" love instead of simply deserving it no matter what. It feels absolutely comfortable to twist yourself into a pretzel to win love. If it's what you grew up with, it feels normal.

[ksol9]

The truth is, for the better part of the year, there were promises for the future. He kept saying for us to focus on our future together, for us to build, for us to grow. He wanted us to remain spiritually and emotionally connected. Towards the end, within the last week, he kept saying we need to go back to the way we used to be. He has always expressed that he is committed to me and our relationship. He said the decision to breakup was not premeditated. It was not occurring to him over the course of months. I know when he began to think that breaking up was the answer. It was when I started questioning the relationship. I pushed and he continued to withdraw. The more he withdrew the more I needy I became. Then I began to withdraw. This all happened in the last 2 weeks. The last 2 days were the worst. He couldn't take it anymore and I was about to have a breakdown. I just woke up from a bad dream. A dream that included him and another woman. He is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I love the 3 of them so much and I don't think that is going to change anytime soon. I wish things were different and I wish there was something I could do.

 

I know there isn't anything I can do. I have to move on with my life. I want to start working on myself. I want to dedicate myself to working on myself. Healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. I mean that with everything I've got. I have to start that process today. I gave myself the weekend to rest and cry. I feel like I'm dying inside, but I have to move forward.

 

Last night after I took a shower, I was walking downstairs to go to the refrigerator, I all of a sudden remembered he has furniture stored in my parents house. Him and I recently moved into a furnished rental house. The rooms for the children were not furnished for children, so we stored the furniture at my parents and he bought them new kid friendly furniture. I bet he hasn't remembered. I just remembered. I don't think it's the appropriate time to deal with that. I'm going to wait a little while and then I'll text him to come pick it up. He can make arrangements with my mother to come over. He is the type of person, knowing I have that furniture, he still won't initiate conversation with me to get it. I could be life or death and he won't call. This is the person I've always known him to be. Whether it was a family member, his oldest son, or myself, anyone he has a problem with, he will handle things in this manner.

 

Feeling down again. Today is going to prove to be challenging. I miss them so much. I want my life back so desperately. I don't care what his reasons are. I know in my heart that we could have made it through. Will I ever see them again? You hear all that I'm saying??? I've taken a step backwards. Those are things I was saying the first and second day. I have to make progress. I just have to.

[bathtub-row]

Grief is a process. You simply are not going to get past this quickly so you need to be more patient with yourself. It is often going to feel like one step forward, and two steps back. You have a lot to process and get through.

 

I wouldn't even think about contacting this guy for any reason. His silence is cruel and I wouldn't let him play that game with me ever again. At best, have your mom contact him if she cares to. If not, let your ex figure it out and do whatever he chooses to do. If he contacts you, ignore him. If he leaves a message about the furniture, again, ask your mom to contact him. Please don't open that door again where he can cruelly ignore you. He is immature and cold. I know you can't see it yet but, as far as I can tell, you're better if without this jerk.

[ksol9]

Grief is a process. You simply are not going to get past this quickly so you need to be more patient with yourself. It is often going to feel like one step forward, and two steps back. You have a lot to process and get through.

 

I wouldn't even think about contacting this guy for any reason. His silence is cruel and I wouldn't let him play that game with me ever again. At best, have your mom contact him if she cares to. If not, let your ex figure it out and do whatever he chooses to do. If he contacts you, ignore him. If he leaves a message about the furniture, again, ask your mom to contact him. Please don't open that door again where he can cruelly ignore you. He is immature and cold. I know you can't see it yet but, as far as I can tell, you're better if without this jerk.

 

I think I've always known he was an immature person and a cold one. I've seen him do it to others. Even ones close to him. This is just who he is. At first, I wanted to contact him, but as the days are passing, I know I will not. I've even decided if the children contact me, I won't be responding. I need to be in silence and I need to be away from them. We both need to be apart. As for the furniture, I'm not ready and when I am, which will have to be sooner than later, I do think I will have mom coordinate with him. I won't text or call him about it. I do know though, my parents house is not a free storage so this has to be taken care of. I thought of having someone come take everything and leave it outside of his place but that would just be very cruel of me not to mention disrespectful. Like I said, I'm not thinking clearly. That is why I just want to wait on everything. The silence is killing me, but it is exactly what I need right now. I am forced to sit with my thoughts. I am forced to work on the things I need to work out within myself. It is so important for me to evaluate everything right now.

 

I can confidently say that I would not contact him. I thought about it, but I made a decision very soon after the breakup that it wouldn't be wise. I'm not worrying about him contacting me because there is no way he would contact me for anything. He is very stubborn and believes I should be the one to initiate. He has blatantly told me this before. I remember asking him once when I left for a few days, why didn't you reach out to me? His answer, because I didn't feel like I did anything wrong..this is the way I am, if it's your fault, I won't contact you. He also said this is just the way I am and I won't change. Verbatim. I have always been the one to blame, so I'm sure you catch my drift. That is why I am so sure I won't be hearing from him.

 

Hope everyone has a happy and productive week. Happy Monday. Please wish me luck!

[ksol9]

One step forward, two steps back. I wish that I could rewind time. I want them back. Right now everything feels like pain. I don't know what I'm experiencing. I don't know if I'm in denial or what. Am I having trouble accepting that he really doesn't want to be apart of my life?? Monday morning just reminded me that life has to go on. Business as usual. Back to routine. Work and responsibilities. I can't stop thinking about him. He is on my mind even when I'm sleeping. I'm havin dreams. I still feel he has made the wrong decision. I know what the plan is. I know what needs to be done. I just have a heavy heart and he is heavy on my mind.

[ksol9]

Around lunch time I was leaving my job to head home. To my surprise, I see him pass by. My job is on a dead end. He must have been driving by to see if I was there. He didn't stop. He just kept going. I was sitting in my car on the phone. My windows are tinted so he didn't see that I saw him. He made a u-turn down the street and came back out. My heart sank. There is no reason he should be on that street. I know he was just passing by to see if I was there. i don't know what to think of that.

 

I don't think he is playing a game, but I do believe he believes I will come forward to say I'm sorry and I that I want to work on the relationship. If that was to happen, I'm he would reject me because I do think he has made up his mind. I believe he drove by just out of curiosity. I haven't reached out to him and I won't do it this time.

[Lady2163]

I am a 31 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a man for one year. I have no children, never been married. I guess I've always been a free spirit. I went to college and after college I had a very bad experience with an abusvie man. Shortly after leaving that relationship of 3 years, I found my current bf. He was like a breath of fresh air. He has 2 children and after a few months, the main problem for me was if he would want to have anymore children and remarry. I beat myself up over that one. Sooner than later, I realized everything that was making me question the future of the relationship, was the fact that our sex life was not so great. Sex was never very frequent but this time, it has been over a month since we have been intimate. He is still affectionate. He's always kissing and hugging throughout the day, but there is no sex. Lately, this has been taking a toll on me. I feel undesirable. I feel unloved, unwanted, and used. I feel I have become convenient to him. I'm raising another woman's children. I'm human and I'm bound to feel that way if he is withholding sex. Furthermore, I feel maybe he could be cheating. This is just damaging me as the days go on. Today, things took a turn for the worse. He sent me a text saying that this isn't working and that he can't have sex if he doesn't feel happy and content. He says I am making him miserable by feeling the way I am feeling and reacting the way I'm reacting. I found that to be very manipulative. I'm hurt. Beyond hurt. At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for help or advice from others who have been in this situation. I would like to add that I did some snooping. I looked through phone and email and did not find anything. No texts or anything that would be questionable. I found porn, but that's it. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. :'(

 

I'm not blaming the victim, but you should know many people who have been in abusive relationships continue the pattern. They send out a "victim vibe" that users and abusers pick up on through conversation and body language. Abused people often have trouble expressing wants and needs coherently. They often are vague, because this way they can blame the abuser if it doesn't work. They also have problems setting limits and what they will tolerate and then fail to enforce the limits.

 

Example: I dated an alcoholic for a year. I was a minimal drinker and certainly didn't want to spend my time or money in a bar. I also had to be up at 600 AM. Often, I would work, study, do my own thing and go to pick him up at the bar. No matter how often I harped and pleaded to leave before 1000 PM, we would shut down the bar. 200 AM. He would always say, "just one more..." It took him 45 minutes to drink a beer. Near the end, I started to put my foot down, which caused numerous fights, since he was used to getting his own way. But I quit being a victim and pointed out my job and sleep were a higher priority than his drinking time. It was such a change for him, that it made me look,controlling to alkie friends. Not that I care now. "If you want me to pick you up at 1000 PM, be ready to leave at 10:00 PM. No, I will not pick you up later than that. No, I will not wait for you to have one more beer."

 

Anyway, what I read from your posts is while you want the whole ball of wax relationships, happy home, happy kids, great husband...from the outside looking in, you aren't ready. You didn't give yourself enough time to heal and get counseling from the last relationship before you jumped into this one. You're doomed to find losers until you get some counseling and some relationship tips.

[ksol9]

I wake up in the middle of the night scared. Then extreme sadness takes over me. I am torn into a million pieces. I know it hasn't even been a week but I still can't believe this was the decision he made. My heart is aching and the pain gets worse everyday. I'm heartbroken. I miss them. He was so cold hearted. He just let me walk out of there. Hasn't said a word since I left and now I'm beginning to feel he played with my emotions for a long time. I'm not angry with him. I'm angry with myself. Something feels so wrong. Waking up everyday is the hardest. When I awake, I look around and I am not with him. I suddenly remember the reality of it all and then I think about how I have the entire day to go. I'm just dragging my feet. I need to be patient but right now I don't have much.

[Robert]

Folks, noting there are a couple concurrently running threads on this situation, we're going to close this one up and ask that posters continue to post in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/571005-broke-nc-don-t-know

 

Thanks,

~6