Withholding sex...at a breaking point

February 19, 2016

Thanks for the reply about the kids mother.

As much as it hurts..this isn't the relationship for you. He can't give you what you want and you're not asking for the heavens to be brought down for you. You just want what most other women do.

He's not the one for you and you've got time ahead of you. Just don't waste time with a man who you can see from the onset doesn't want what you do.

Don't drop your standards or sell yourself short for a man...... you'll just regret it.

February 19, 2016

Thanks for the reply about the kids mother.

As much as it hurts..this isn't the relationship for you. He can't give you what you want and you're not asking for the heavens to be brought down for you. You just want what most other women do.

He's not the one for you and you've got time ahead of you. Just don't waste time with a man who you can see from the onset doesn't want what you do.
Don't drop your standards or sell yourself short for a man...... you'll just regret it.

I know you are right. I have always felt he didn't value me or the relationship. It was something my instincts were always telling me. He would always say he appreciated me and everything I do for him and the children but I don't think he really valued me because if he did, he would have treasured me so much more. He wouldn't allow me to walk away. I know he has a big adjustment to make. He became very dependent on me and that is something he mentioned yesterday. When he got custody of the children, he met me a little over a month later. It wasn't long before I was taking on mommy duties. I've always taken care of them. Now he has to cook, clean, homework, laundry, drive them to and from school on his own. He will have to reorganize his work schedule. I know the loss of this relationship doesn't only effect me. We both have to adapt to living without eachother and it won't be easy for either of us. He said to me yesterday that maybe this could have worked if I already had children but I don't so he wouldn't want me to be unhappy. While I respect him for not dragging this on any longer, I don't believe he made the right decision in parting ways. Love conquers all obstacles.

I love him still and I want to be with him. I don't think that feeling is going to go away anytime soon. That alone scares me. I'm truly heartbroken.

Edited February 19, 2016 by ksol9

February 19, 2016

One other thing. The OP is now 31 years old. Not a lot of time for her to find the right man and make a family. Her biological clock is ticking and while theoretically she may be fertile into her forties the fact is that it is going to become more and more difficult for her to conceive especially if she wants more than one child. I guess that leaves her with little option but to get herself on the right track fast or change her vision of having a family of more than one child.
Just thought I'd put that out there to put my previous post in perspective.

She's 31, not 51, she has plenty of time but she can't get bogged down with men who do not want children. Plenty men early thirties want to settle down and if she meets one of them it will all go very smoothly and before she knows it she will have all the kids she wants.

BUT if she sticks around with guys, like this one, with loads of baggage and who will waste her time, then she will be 45 in no time and it will likely be then too late for her.

February 19, 2016

She's 31, not 51, she has plenty of time but she can't get bogged down with men who do not want children. Plenty men early thirties want to settle down and if she meets one of them it will all go very smoothly and before she knows it she will have all the kids she wants.
BUT if she sticks around with guys, like this one, with loads of baggage and who will waste her time, then she will be 45 in no time and it will likely be then too late for her.

Thank you for your positive and uplifting post. I am looking for hope. Hope in my future and for all my dreams. I know it's soon, but I can't even begin to think about someone new. It's easy to say that time will heal. For right now, I want to be with him. He told me over and over to have faith in him. Have faith in our relationship. I'm not going to change the way I feel for a long time no marred how much I'd like for this feeling to go away.

February 19, 2016

Thank you for your positive and uplifting post. I am looking for hope. Hope in my future and for all my dreams. I know it's soon, but I can't even begin to think about someone new. It's easy to say that time will heal. For right now, I want to be with him. He told me over and over to have faith in him. Have faith in our relationship. I'm not going to change the way I feel for a long time no marred how much I'd like for this feeling to go away.

You obviously loved this man to have put up with lack of intimacy and sex while taking on the role of a caretaker for his children. Otherwise, his actions wouldn't have bothered you. Those feelings don't disappear over night. It's a slow process. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of "the relationship you wanted" but didn't really have. During this emotional process, stay active, even a walk around the block can help suppress some of the anxiety and depression.

February 19, 2016

You obviously loved this man to have put up with lack of intimacy and sex while taking on the role of a caretaker for his children. Otherwise, his actions wouldn't have bothered you. Those feelings don't disappear over night. It's a slow process. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of "the relationship you wanted" but didn't really have. During this emotional process, stay active, even a walk around the block can help suppress some of the anxiety and depression.

This is so hard. Life can be so brutal sometimes. I can't stop thinking about him. He is on my mind constantly. I have not been able to sleep. He has to be inhuman for this not to be effecting him even just a little. The way he was days before this happened, the things he was saying about focusing on the future, isn't making sense to me. It doesn't coincide with the decision he made. I'm not looking for answers. I'm looking for a solution.

Edited February 19, 2016 by ksol9

February 19, 2016

When I initially started this thread, I was trying to make sense of why he was not being intimate with me. I couldnt make sense of it and it began to take a huge toll on me. Little did I know days later the relationship would be over. I can't say I didn't expect this. That was behind all of my frustration. Why was I in the relationship? Does he love me? What is the future of the relationship? I was asking myself and him these make or break questions. Now I am left trying to pick up all these broken pieces. I don't know if I will feel better about this in a week or even 2 weeks. All I can do is move forward with my life. I can't push a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same about me. I need to give myself time. The reason I am constantly here posting on this board is because I want to reach out to him when I know that wouldn't be appropriate. I must respect his wishes and give this whole process a chance.

February 20, 2016

This is so hard. Life can be so brutal sometimes. I can't stop thinking about him. He is on my mind constantly. I have not been able to sleep. He has to be inhuman for this not to be effecting him even just a little. The way he was days before this happened, the things he was saying about focusing on the future, isn't making sense to me. It doesn't coincide with the decision he made. I'm not looking for answers. I'm looking for a solution.

It's not uncommon for men to say this kind of rubbish. I've met quite a few who say one thing one day then change their minds the next. It's so confusing and horrible. I tend to stay away from them now due do this behaviour. You don't need bull**** in your life. You can have a great life without a man.

February 20, 2016

It's not uncommon for men to say this kind of rubbish. I've met quite a few who say one thing one day then change their minds the next. It's so confusing and horrible. I tend to stay away from them now due do this behaviour. You don't need bull**** in your life. You can have a great life without a man.

This man doesn't usually say much to begin with so I know I shouldn't put too much thought into what he said. Regardless, the feeling became so overwhelming that he felt he needed to end the relationship. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm suffering a lot right now.

Last night I managed to fall asleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up, I saw I missed 3 text messages from his 10 year old son. One saying hi [my name]. The second saying [my name]?? And the third with some crying face emojis. I responded saying hi but received no response. I'm sure they were sleeping. I don't know what their father explained to them, but I'm sure he told them what is going on. Plus my belongings are gone so I'm sure they have realized I'm not coming back. I love them so much. I did not suffer one loss. I suffered 3.

February 20, 2016

When I think back, he always blamed me for any problems we had. He would never take accountability. While he would show me that he understood and would make necessary changes, he never would have conversations with me admitting and wrong doing or taking accountability for anything. It was always my fault, I always had a problem, or you don't know how to let things be. Maybe he was right, but it bothered me very much that he would use a passive aggressive attitude to avoid having any serious conversations with me about matters that were serious to me. He just didn't want to deal with it. That is what he is doing right now. I became too much to deal with, so he ended our relationship.

February 20, 2016

People who withhold sex typically do not take responsibility for their actions, and they also tend to excuse others' withholding as well. It's part and parcel of the entitled, righteous selfishness.

February 20, 2016

People who withhold sex typically do not take responsibility for their actions, and they also tend to excuse others' withholding as well. It's part and parcel of the entitled, righteous selfishness.

In this case, he was not withholding sex because he had a low sex drive or he was some sort of abuser, or felt entitled to withhold sex, or was in some sort of cruel marital game.

He was not having sex with the OP, because he was miserable and unhappy with the relationship, a relationship he has subsequently ended.

February 20, 2016

While I think he has always had a low sex drive even since the beginning of our relationship. I do think what killed our intimacy entirely was his unhappiness with me. Anytime I've ever had an issue with him, minor or major, he would push blame on me. He never would take accountability for his actions and this often lead to me running from my problems out of frustration. I've always felt that I had to take one for the team, let this one slide, or simply just not hold him accountable. While he would later show me with actions that he would right his wrongs, it was still very frustrating to deal with someone who not communicate and acknowledge where they went wrong. I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't have the patience for that. I wouldn't let things go and I made him miserable. I truly believe all Jose things could have been worked out. We were still learning so much about eachother. Adapting to eachother. The true deal breaker was the fact that he didn't want to have more children. That made the whole situation even more difficult to continue. The only answer was to stop trying to work and the relationship and end it because ultimately, it wasn't going to go anywhere if he didn't want children and I did. How could he make me live with that? How could I insist on children and stay? We would have both become very unhappy.

While I understand and accept it all, I still don't want to leave them behind. I will give it time, but I do feel my feelings will not change anytime soon. I know we won't contact eachother. I've heard from his youngest son, but it's a process and I will genuinely give the process a try.

February 20, 2016

In this case, he was not withholding sex because he had a low sex drive or he was some sort of abuser, or felt entitled to withhold sex, or was in some sort of cruel marital game.
He was not having sex with the OP, because he was miserable and unhappy with the relationship, a relationship he has subsequently ended.

A person of character who is miserable in their relationship ends it. A person who chooses to starve their partner is just plain selfish.

February 21, 2016

A person of character who is miserable in their relationship ends it. A person who chooses to starve their partner is just plain selfish.

People of character would do a lot of admirable things, but this is real life and in real life, people tend to be more flawed.

February 21, 2016

OP, leave this relationship with a clear conscience and your head held high. YOU were not the problem or the selfish partner in this scenario.

February 21, 2016

When I got out of the shower, I saw I had a missed call from him. Most likely it is one of the children. The children have their own phones, but maybe they used his. Maybe he called by mistake. I highly doubt he's calling to say something. Plus, if he needed to say something, and I say this with full confidence, he would never be brave enough to call, he'd send a short text. I don't know what's going on. Something tells me not to react.

I've gone NC since the day I moved out. I deactivated my FB. I shut myself down completely. I've just been in hiding. I can barely sleep or eat, much less leave the house. Other than exchanging a few text messages with his son yesterday, I have not called or text him or the children. I really feel that after everything that happened, it's best to leave the whole situation alone, children included. At this point, no matter how much I'm dying inside, no matter how much I wish he would change his mind, I just need some time away from everything and that includes him and the children.

This whole thing just knocked me down flat on my face. I don't know how he could make this decision. I understand, but I don't know how he could actually do it. I was too sure of myself. Everyone has their limits and he reached his. Look where I am now...lost, lonely, and broken.

Edited February 21, 2016 by ksol9

February 21, 2016

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It must feel completely debilitating. It's just so sad. I definitely think you're doing the right thing and handling it well. Again, I'm just so sorry.

I remember a time when I felt so broken and so low that I actually sat in my closet and cried my heart out. I just didn't know how I'd get through it. But I want to remind you that you will get through this the same as I did. Sometimes when you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up.

The clouds will lift someday, sweetie. I wish you a speedy recovery from this horrible heartbreak.

February 21, 2016

Damn, OP. I feel for you. I read a lot of sad stories on LS, but alot of it in the infidelity section is so awful that it doesn't quite hit home with me.

I'm so sorry that you got dumped, but even more sorry that you just lost two relationships with these kids that you probably have loved like your own. That is brutal.

The good news--you're crazy young still. I think I read that you are 31? I really believe that you'll find someone who makes you so happy, and you'll look back on this and think, thank God that ended when it did or I never would have met ________.

I know that doesn't make this any easier, but we're pulling for you.

February 21, 2016

This happened on Thursday. I was a complete wreck on Friday, but I told myself I will take the weekend to relax, get some much needed sleep, and organize myself for the upcoming week. I said to myself by Monday, I am gong to start taking care of myself, which meant my appearance, I'd be geared and ready for the week. This meant work, home, work, home. In reality, I haven't had much sleep at all. I don't feel rested and worst of all, I am not ready for Monday. I am dragging. I don't want to get out of bed because I'm tired, in not sleepy, and I certainly don't want to put on my makeup and get dressed. All I want is my life back. The one I created with him.

I have no desire to go out with friends or to meet new people. I just want to recover, but I can feel myself falling into a black hole called depression. I find peace writing on this board about my feelings..that's about it. Deep down inside I am hoping to give this enough time for him and I both to re-evaluate, time to miss eachother, time to renew our feelings, but I fear the unknown. I fear that in time, in a week or 2, I will begin to realize the truth. This relationship wasn't for me and he will begin to forget about me. He doesn't have friends, no family, just his children and his boss. He also speaks to his cousin in another state. He's probably searching for another woman to void the feelings that's he's experiencing from the demise of our relationship, if any at all. I highly doubt he's grieving to the extent that I am. I'm suffering and the last thing on my mind is finding another relationship. I find hope in believing absence will make the heart grow fonder. Is this realistic?? NO.

He is gone. The truth is, he was already gone before the relationship ended. He's not coming back. His mind is made up. He doesn't see a future for us. I need to accept this and move on. I keep telling myself to save my dignity and just forget about it all. Retreat and find safety in my family and loved ones. There are moments where I want to text him to say that I love him. To ask why he would make a decision like this. To remind him that we can make this work. I'd just be making a fool of myself. One, he probably won't respond. Or I might get another bat to the face, he might respond by saying please move on...its for the best. I'd rather have more respect for myself and let this take its course on its own. I have to have faith. Faith in myself and faith in what's meant to be, will be. For right now, this is what's meant to be. I would be doing a big disservice to myself if I were to try to save this relationship. If he has reservations and decides to follow my lead, we would be continuing a relationship and I would find myself questioning his value and love for me once again. If he realizes my worth and doesn't want to live without me, he knows where to find me. If he doesn't, then it is what's best for us all. I have to let both of us figure this out and the only remedy and answer to this situation is TIME. I'm heartbroken and I'm in agony. I'm in pain. I'm screaming inside. I'm no longer crying every few minutes, but I just feel like gravity is pulling me down.

Edited February 21, 2016 by ksol9

February 21, 2016

He is gone. The truth is, he was already gone before the relationship ended.

Yes, he was and you were miserable.

I keep telling myself to save my dignity and just forget about it all. Retreat and find safety in my family and loved ones.

You were fully invested - making plans for a future that were miles apart from his. You may have been on the same page, but you were in different books, hon.

I'd rather have more respect for myself and let this take its course on its own. I have to have faith. Faith in myself and faith in what's meant to be, will be. For right now, this is what's meant to be. I would be doing a big disservice to myself if I were to try to save this relationship.

It takes two ppl working together to keep a relationship healthy and happy. You were flying solo.

I'm heartbroken and I'm in agony. I'm in pain. I'm screaming inside. I'm no longer crying every few minutes, but I just feel like gravity is pulling me down.

It's a slow, painful process. You are grieving a loss and it's unrealistic to think you'll allow yourself one weekend to wallow in sorrow and be ready to roll come Monday morning. Quit beating yourself up and don't place unrealistic expectations on yourself. You ARE making progress. As you said, you aren't crying every minute of the day. That's not to say moving forward you won't have a bad day that feels like a major setback, but those bouts will come less as you move forward.

Do try to get out and walk, or wash your car. Getting active helps thwart depression and anxiety. And by all means, keep coming back here for support.

February 21, 2016

Thank you methodical. I was able to wash my car yesterday. I offloaded all my things that I had moved out on Thursday. Yes it was still sitting in my car on Saturday. Car is clean and I'm slowly reorganizing things. That was one small accomplishment.

My plan for the upcoming week is to invest myself more in work. I'm running a family business so my schedule has always been flexible. I'm going to work more in order to keep busy. When I go home, I plan to take walks in the evening with my loving dog. I need to nurture myself back to normalcy. My life was just uprooted and now I have to start over..build a new life for myself. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hanging on to hope. I love him still, but I need to forget about that and work on myself. I really need to get serious about my future and where I'm going. I'm not interested in going out and seeing people. I just want to reflect and be at peace with all that happened.

The more I think back, I don't think my ex ever really had any intentions of settling down or creating a long term life with me. It just spiraled to that point. I think after his divorce and getting custody of his children, he was happy and content with where he was in his life. He had his children with him, he has a stable job, and he was just living. Before meeting me, he was seeing a woman who lived in another city. She would come visit every 2 weeks for a couple of days. She has 3 children and is married. My ex did not have to make any commitments and he got some female companionship. That situation was convenient to him. When he met me, the obvious route was to settle down because I wouldn't have it any other way. It happened so fast and I truly believe he didn't really want to settle down with anyone. That's just not what he was ready for in life. He had been in a relationship with the children's mother for 8 years. They had children immediately. When I met him they had been separated for 4 years and he didn't have another serious relationship until he met me. He didn't have another serious relationship because that's the way he wanted it and I believe that is how he still wants to live. He is not looking to share his life with anyone other than his children and he's not trying to grow his family by having another child. That is what I wanted. What I wanted wasn't what he was willing to compromise, so he walked. Now that I have so much time to think, I'm thinking about bf's past, his childhood.

His mother was a drug addict. She contracted AIDS and when he was 12 she died. He was sent from foster home to foster home...really troubled childhood. No siblings, no father, no family. He has aunts and cousins, but he does not keep in touch. He had some sort of conflict with them and so he stays to himself. He talks quite often to one cousin who lives in another state, but other than that he has no friends, no family. A typical day for him is spent relaxing on the patio watching YouTube videos, smoking cigarettes, and drinking beer. He smokes weed also...he does all of what I just listed all day. That is when he isn't working. As for work, he is hardworking and maintains a good job. He seems to deal with things internally. He's also very passive aggressive and didn't like to communicate. Although, he was loving and very affectionate with me and the children, I believe he has some deeper issues that I didn't know how to understand. He needs his time and space to maintain his peace. I was interfering with that. I created too much friction.

It's too late now to change anything. I miss him terribly, but he wants nothing to do with me. He did what he had to do to look out for himself, now I've got to take care of myself. No one else will do that for me. I've got a rough week ahead of me.

February 21, 2016

Posting here is a cathartic outlet. As you continue to post, I see mini revelations surfacing, perhaps issues you had overlooked in the past for the sake of keeping peace. From an outsider's perspective, you are def. headed in the right direction bc you deserve more.

February 21, 2016

Just don't ever contact him again. He's in a different place and clearly the affair he was having with the married woman suited him down to the ground. That doesn't say a great deal about his morals really now does it .

Spend some time alone to readjust to single life. Find things to occupy your time with friends and hobbies.

It will take a little while ...but you'll be okay eventually. Just know that you deserve what you want and what he couldn't give you.

Never settle for less than what you want with a man or you'll regret it later on.

February 21, 2016

You sound so much like me, very codependent, always giving far more than I was getting. Read the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. The book helped me overcome my devastating feelings of grief, abandonment, and failure during a tough break up--a break up that absolutely needed to happen and should have happened much sooner. It seems you are feeling that same way, and her book will give you a very different perspective--along with strength and hope.

Good luck to you.

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Withholding sex...at a breaking point

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