Withholding sex...at a breaking point

[bathtub-row]

I made a mistake in my previous post -- I thought you guys were married. It doesn't really matter but I wanted to clarify.

 

I think you're making the right decision to leave. Just remember that it's always hard to walk away, even when it's right. I hear it all the time from people who end their relationship that this is not what they want. Most people never do so its not unusual to feel that way.

 

I do have to wonder why you're waiting on him to respond. Why not just move your things out and let him know what you decided -- after you move. Be very careful here. He may change the locks soon, if he hasn't already.

[Liam1]

I am a 31 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a man for one year. I have no children, never been married. I guess I've always been a free spirit. I went to college and after college I had a very bad experience with an abusvie man. Shortly after leaving that relationship of 3 years, I found my current bf. He was like a breath of fresh air. He has 2 children and after a few months, the main problem for me was if he would want to have anymore children and remarry. I beat myself up over that one. Sooner than later, I realized everything that was making me question the future of the relationship, was the fact that our sex life was not so great. Sex was never very frequent but this time, it has been over a month since we have been intimate. He is still affectionate. He's always kissing and hugging throughout the day, but there is no sex. Lately, this has been taking a toll on me. I feel undesirable. I feel unloved, unwanted, and used. I feel I have become convenient to him. I'm raising another woman's children. I'm human and I'm bound to feel that way if he is withholding sex. Furthermore, I feel maybe he could be cheating. This is just damaging me as the days go on. Today, things took a turn for the worse. He sent me a text saying that this isn't working and that he can't have sex if he doesn't feel happy and content. He says I am making him miserable by feeling the way I am feeling and reacting the way I'm reacting. I found that to be very manipulative. I'm hurt. Beyond hurt. At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for help or advice from others who have been in this situation. I would like to add that I did some snooping. I looked through phone and email and did not find anything. No texts or anything that would be questionable. I found porn, but that's it. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. :'(

 

He may simply have a low sex drive, like my wife.

 

You have a high drive and his is low. This will only get worse as the relationship matures. This is typically not something that will change, unless it is caused by a fixable physical condition.

 

If you need to have sex often, and he can't or won't address it and that upsets you, than divorce and find a higher sex drive male.

Edited February 17, 2016 by Liam1

[Methodical]

Because kids are involved, I think getting your things without them there is probably best.

[Liam1]

As expected, I have not heard from him. I don't expect to hear from him at all. After some thinking last night, I've decided that I can't continue like this any longer and if I allow days to go by sadness will sink in and I won't be able to make educated decisions. I don't want to make decisions based on emotion. I know I will not be hearing from him, so I will give it until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'd like to move my belongings out. I would be doing so without wanting to but I know it is best. As one of the other posters stated, it wouldn't be in my best interest to try to save a relationship with someone who doesn't want to save the relationship or is even showing they want to save it. I would be cheating myself. We have not been intimate in weeks. We have been fighting. My mind and my self esteem has taken a toll. The bad is now out weighing the good. There is so much more happening to show he does not want to be in the relationship. I'm not a mind reader but I can make an educated decision based on those things. I know what I want for my life, my future. I want marriage and I want children. He doesn't seem to care for those things especially not with me. I don't know if I should call him tomorrow or if I should just get my things and never look back. feels like I am getting a silent treatment as I've gotten before and I don't know how to handle it.

 

Sorry, I thought you were already married.

 

Have you tried couples counseling? Some people have difficulty communicating.

 

Before you leave, if you love him, ask him to go to a couple of sessions.

 

What do you have to lose?

[ksol9]

Because kids are involved, I think getting your things without them there is probably best.

 

Yes my plan is to get my things before they come home from school. I will handle it in a respectable manner. I've been through this with him already. There has been previous times where I have left for days until I called to sort things out. This time, he asked me to leave and stated he would call after thinking things through. No call, just silence. This is a silent treatment. Do I want to lose my relationship? No. My hands are tied. I have to have more respect for myself and do what's best for me. I may have nagged and created a lot of friction because of the lack of sex, but I did not understand why it was happening. We had murmurous conversations about it but I was so emotionally upset. I understand how my constant sulking was killing things. As the same time, I don't think I'm the one to blame here. We are both wrong and now I'm dealing with a silent treatment. I don't know what to do other than to put my hands up and walk away.

[Methodical]

This relationship really isn't viable. It's convenient for him, in that you help care for his kids. However, there have been previous times (plural). Maintain your dignity and find someone who is into you, really into you. This guy isn't your happy ever after.

[sandylee1]

Can I ask where their mother is?

 

At any rate...you're not getting what you want from this relationship and rather than invest time with no future...it's best to part company.

[ksol9]

Can I ask where their mother is?

 

At any rate...you're not getting what you want from this relationship and rather than invest time with no future...it's best to part company.

 

 

Their children's mother lives in CO. We live in FL. She was in the army and is no longer enlisted. She has been in a lesbian relationship for about 2 years. He stated they divorced because she was cheating and declared she was a lesbian. She is financially unable to take care of the children. After a lot of shuffling around, she finally sent them to him under the conditions that when she got her self together, she would take them back with her. I met him 2 months after she sent them to live with him. He has been divorced for 4 years when we met. He hasn't had a serious relationship after his divorce. I'm assuming he enjoyed being single. I am assuming he still wants to be single. I think what is bothering me the most at the moment is how he asked me to leave and never called me to handle this. He doesn't have the guts to tell me to move on. He said not to take my things and that he would think everything over. I'm not a puppet. Since them complete silence. Truthfully, I don't want to lose the relationship, but somethings got to give and we can't continue on like this. I know I control how I am treated. I shouldn't allow this. I'm very anxious about tomorrow. I'm almost certain, I will call him tomorrow and he won't answer the phone. Then I will have to decide if to move out without talking to him. I want to hear what he has to say before I do anything.

Edited February 17, 2016 by ksol9

[ksol9]

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I don't know if it's a good thing because I am starting to feel the effects of being apart. I just keep thinking about how life is so short. Some are lucky to find a partner to share their lives with..the right partner. While others, like myself, have had difficulty. When faced with problems, I think it's always best to look within. What am I doing wrong to run into problems like this? What am I doing to contribute? I am not perfect and I've made a lot of mistakes. I think I did slot of complaining in my relationship. I came from a relationship where there was no trust, no respect...very unhealthy. I went into this relationship with my tainted idea of a relationship. I need to remind myself that what I knew as normal for so long wasn't in fact normal..it was abuse. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse. Sometimes I was incapable of believing my current bf was really capable of loving me the right way. He is a family man. I believe he lives righteously. He's hard working and he lives a simple life. I'm used to a different lifestyle. It took me a long while to adjust. I'm still adjusting because a lot of these things are new to me. Does he have flaws? Yes. He is not very good at communicating. I realize this. He is passive aggressive and I can be also. I've never experienced the intimacy issues we are having. I didn't know how to understand his reasons. Maybe I expect too much from him. Maybe I don't give him enough credit. Maybe I am not satisfied with simple things. I don't feel guilty, but I do see I pushed him to the point of frustration. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, but I'm ready to move on. I have to. I have no choice. I have to close my eyes and keep walking. I can't find it in myself the want or need to continue a relationship with someone who shows no interest in the relationship. Feeling so down and out.

[Just a Guy]

Hi ksol, Having read your OP and subsequent posts I have to ask what you mean by being a free spirit? Does it mean you were promiscuous in college? If not what exactly do you mean? From the tenor of your posts you come across as someone with low self confidence and low self esteem. You also seem to be some one who needs emotional support even at the cost of being abused. Don't fool your self. If your first relationship was abusive and you recognize that fact then your second relationship is equally abusive albeit in a different way. If you lack self respect and self esteem you will always keep drifting into these kind of relationships. First pull up your socks and do a bit of self introspection about your inherent flaws. Work on rectifying those even if you have to use professional help and then try for a good relationship. If you present a picture of confidence to the world you will attract the right kind of man into your life. Warm wishes.

[ksol9]

Hi ksol, Having read your OP and subsequent posts I have to ask what you mean by being a free spirit? Does it mean you were promiscuous in college? If not what exactly do you mean? From the tenor of your posts you come across as someone with low self confidence and low self esteem. You also seem to be some one who needs emotional support even at the cost of being abused. Don't fool your self. If your first relationship was abusive and you recognize that fact then your second relationship is equally abusive albeit in a different way. If you lack self respect and self esteem you will always keep drifting into these kind of relationships. First pull up your socks and do a bit of self introspection about your inherent flaws. Work on rectifying those even if you have to use professional help and then try for a good relationship. If you present a picture of confidence to the world you will attract the right kind of man into your life. Warm wishes.

 

What I meant by free spirit is that I was independent. I was far from promiscuous. Nothing of that sort. I went to college and expected to live my life in chronological order or so I hoped to. I wanted to start a career, settle down with the one I love, and build a life together. That didn't quite happen and I wasted years with the wrong person. I'm committed to not letting that happen again. I think I have beating myself up over this situation. I need to toughen up, grow up and i need to do it quickly.

[oldshirt]

For women, getting sex is the easiest thing in the world. Getting true love and a solid relationship is quite a bit harder. You are getting neither.

 

 

 

 

It's time to walk.

[Just a Guy]

Hi ksol, Thank you for responding to my post. Your reply clears up a few things. For one thing it is good to know that you were not promiscuous as your OP seemed to indicate. It also means that maybe you did not suffer from self esteem issues at least in college. I think your experience in your relationship with your abusive ex probably changed that and you did develop self esteem issues. There are a few pertinent points about your case. One is that you are no longer a young 20 year old. You arpe now 31 and at a very mature stage in your life. Second is the fact that you still seem to be rudderless as to the direction your life is taking you in. Remember you are the Captain of your ship and you are responsible for steering yourself in the direction that you want your life to proceed. It seems to me that you have been looking to outside supports and crutches to carry you through life. You must remember that at all times you are responsible for your self and not any one else not even your future husband. This means being strong, having a clear image of what you want in life and where you want to go. All this requires a degree of self confidence and self assurance. You have to believe in your self and in your capabilities. I do not know what courses of study you took in college and what you are qualified to do. Whatever it is you must seek to improve upon it and do some additional professional coursed which will qualify you for a better job with better remuneration. Remember if you are earning well you will be attractive to the right kind of men, not losers and abusers. Think highly of yourself and you will attract men who are similar in their outlook. Be a little ambitious and reach for the sky.

I would also suggest that you take some self improvement courses such as Public Speaking or other personality enhancing programs which will build your personality and help you present a cheerful confident face in public. Also pay attention to your attire. You must dress to look smart and your clothes and grooming should all contribute to your overall persona. I guess you need a complete overhaul of your present appearance and persona. Getting the right man and settling down to a life of marital bliss will follow. Cheers.

Edited February 18, 2016 by Just a Guy

[ksol9]

Hi everyone, I called him today around lunch time. To my surprise, he answered. I said to him that this is not normal to not speak or resolve things. I said to him that I feel he just doesn't know how to tell me to move on. He interrupted me and said, "I've already made up my mind. I think it's best we go our separate ways. I will be home in a few. You can come pick up your things." When I went to the house. He stepped outside to talk on the phone. As I packed and took my belongings to the car, I was in utter shock. Numb.

 

When he came back in, I approached him on the patio and I said that I hope he is making the right decision. I said that I don't want to lose this relationship and that I don't want to do this, but I understand and I do think it's for the best. He began to explain that this wasn't my fault. He said he doesn't want to have more children. He said I am constantly doubting him. He said very calmly that I deserve to have all the things that are so important to me. He spoke about how he became dependent on me regarding the children. I understood....and I agree. What I don't understand is how 2 days ago he said to me, "please try. We can make this work. I know we can. Let's make this work." Now 2 days later he is adamant about his decision. He said this decision wasn't premeditated. It developed this way over the past 2 days.

 

People lose feelings, people change. He no longer has feelings for me and I have to accept that. All the signs were there. This relationship was not for me. I have to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. I'm in shock just thinking about how I will never see or speaks to him and the children ever again. So weird how these things happen. Honestly, I don't think I will be the same again or maybe for a long while. This decision is final. I won't be calling or texting to try to work things out. I just have to move forward with my life. I don't know how long I will feel the way I'm feeling right now, but I hope it's short lived.

 

I've had a rough day. Haven't had a rough day like this in a long while. All I want is my relationship back. I want him back. I want the children back.

Edited February 18, 2016 by ksol9

[Methodical]

When relationships end, it hurts. The writing was on the wall, so to speak, and you knew it, but deep down you wanted to be wrong. You held out hope. I don't think this was a sudden epiphany for him based on the information you have given us, he just didn't know how to end it and the opportunity presented itself.

 

You are in fear mode right now. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone. With time, that will pass and I think you'll see that you deserve more than he was capable of giving.

 

This is easier said than done, but try to not overthink things. Stay busy. Go out with friends. Engaged in some hobbies that you've let fall by the wayside.

 

And keep us updated.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck!

[ksol9]

I don't want this. I want to be with him and the children.

[MJJean]

What you want is to have an idealized version of him. The actual him isn't in love with you and has treated you rather shabbily. You do deserve to find someone who loves you passionately and to have the family that you want to have. It's just not possiblee with this man.

[ksol9]

I have to let go. As much as I didn't want to leave. I let him know that I love him and that I didn't want this. I have to give myself time. Time to heal, time to move forward, and time to grow. If it is meant to be, it will be. I know if he truly loves me, he will come back. I'm still letting this sink in. Im going to miss him and the children terribly. I gave this my all and to hear something so final, it devastated me. I'm truly heartbroken. Never had a heartbreak like this before. I'm praying and hoping that he will come back, but that is me being unrealistic. He is gone for good and our relationship is over for good.

[Dolfin80]

I need to respond here.

 

Abusive men span across all areas, they can be doctors, dentists, lawyers and teachers.

 

To say that she attracts losers by her job or the way she dresses is ridiculas.

 

Professional women can be sucked into abusive relationships, it spans across all demographics and has nothing to do with a womens self esteem. Blaming the victim is wrong.

[SJS]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I have a feeling you'll be ok...you'll be better & stronger when you get through this.

[ksol9]

I need to respond here.

 

Abusive men span across all areas, they can be doctors, dentists, lawyers and teachers.

 

To say that she attracts losers by her job or the way she dresses is ridiculas.

 

Professional women can be sucked into abusive relationships, it spans across all demographics and has nothing to do with a womens self esteem. Blaming the victim is wrong.

 

I agree with you. I am educated and I am successful. I make more money than him. We are pretty much from different worlds. I am a poster child. He is from a rough and unfortunate upbringing. I am extremely co-dependent and that is why I attract men like this. I have a lot of growing a learning to do.

 

At the moment, I am completely heartbroken. I am hoping that I will hear from him again even though I know I won't in a million years. I am trying to figure out how I am going to adjust. I want them back. That's all I want and I don't think that is going to change for a good while. I'm so tempted to reach out to him. I'm dying inside.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree with you. I am educated and I am successful. I make more money than him. We are pretty much from different worlds. I am a poster child. He is from a rough and unfortunate upbringing. I am extremely co-dependent and that is why I attract men like this. I have a lot of growing a learning to do.

 

At the moment, I am completely heartbroken. I am hoping that I will hear from him again even though I know I won't in a million years. I am trying to figure out how I am going to adjust. I want them back. That's all I want and I don't think that is going to change for a good while. I'm so tempted to reach out to him. I'm dying inside.

 

Time to read "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person."

 

And btw, people with rough childhoods, like myself and my husband, tend not to overcome them if they don't seek help and figure out how to correct their usership.

 

Sometimes the only way they go and do that is by losing relationships and figuring out that they don't function.

 

You need to expect more and someone like him needs to expect more from himself being in a relationship.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dolphin80, you may be right and I won't dispute what you say. However, firstly, I am not blaming the the OP for being a victim. Anybody can be drawn into a bad relationship. In the case of the OP this is her second bad relationship and my point in posting my opinion was that she probably suffers from low self esteem which is why she keeps choosing these types of relationships. If she does work on herself to improve on the areas I suggested she is likely to attract a better type of man than she has been doing so far. One assumes that two bad experiences or mistakes if you like, will be something she wiil learn from and with her improved persona will be able to put her new knowledge to good use.

In any case this was just an opinion like so many others on this forum. If the OP finds something there that she likes and wants to use so be it and if not it doesn't matter. In the final analysis it's her life and she will have to learn how to do the right things to attract the right kind of men otherwise she will be doomed to a life of getting into relationships with the wrong kind of men repeatedly.

One has to realize when something is working and if it is not then to cut one's losses well in time rather than wasting more time than warranted on it. While there may be abusive men across the entire spectrum of professions if she keeps her head on her shoulders she should be able to avoid them by being able to read the signs early on. I hope this clarifies things to some extent.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Just a Guy]

One other thing. The OP is now 31 years old. Not a lot of time for her to find the right man and make a family. Her biological clock is ticking and while theoretically she may be fertile into her forties the fact is that it is going to become more and more difficult for her to conceive especially if she wants more than one child. I guess that leaves her with little option but to get herself on the right track fast or change her vision of having a family of more than one child.

Just thought I'd put that out there to put my previous post in perspective.