Withholding sex...at a breaking point

[ksol9]

I am a 31 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a man for one year. I have no children, never been married. I guess I've always been a free spirit. I went to college and after college I had a very bad experience with an abusvie man. Shortly after leaving that relationship of 3 years, I found my current bf. He was like a breath of fresh air. He has 2 children and after a few months, the main problem for me was if he would want to have anymore children and remarry. I beat myself up over that one. Sooner than later, I realized everything that was making me question the future of the relationship, was the fact that our sex life was not so great. Sex was never very frequent but this time, it has been over a month since we have been intimate. He is still affectionate. He's always kissing and hugging throughout the day, but there is no sex. Lately, this has been taking a toll on me. I feel undesirable. I feel unloved, unwanted, and used. I feel I have become convenient to him. I'm raising another woman's children. I'm human and I'm bound to feel that way if he is withholding sex. Furthermore, I feel maybe he could be cheating. This is just damaging me as the days go on. Today, things took a turn for the worse. He sent me a text saying that this isn't working and that he can't have sex if he doesn't feel happy and content. He says I am making him miserable by feeling the way I am feeling and reacting the way I'm reacting. I found that to be very manipulative. I'm hurt. Beyond hurt. At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for help or advice from others who have been in this situation. I would like to add that I did some snooping. I looked through phone and email and did not find anything. No texts or anything that would be questionable. I found porn, but that's it. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. :'(

[d0nnivain]

You aren't married to this man. If you have talked to him about your concerns & nothing changed, just end things. Life is too short to be this miserable. Marriage, btw, won't make any of it better; it will only make it harder & more expensive for you to break up.

[central]

There is a simple solution: realize that there is no good future in this relationship, and move on while you are young enough to find someone else who desires you and wants children.

[ksol9]

I don't want to lose my relationship.

[SJS]

Is he withholding sex or just has a low drive? Those are two separate issues.

[Methodical]

I'm raising another woman's children. I'm human and I'm bound to feel that way if he is withholding sex. Furthermore, I feel maybe he could be cheating. This is just damaging me as the days go on. Today, things took a turn for the worse. He sent me a text saying that this isn't working and that he can't have sex if he doesn't feel happy and content. He says I am making him miserable by feeling the way I am feeling and reacting the way I'm reacting. I found that to be very manipulative. I'm hurt.

 

What are you getting in return from this relationship other than feeling heartbroken, unloved, unwanted, and undesired. Are you locking yourself in this sexless relationship bc he is "a good guy" and not abusive, as was your former relationship? There are some good guys who enjoy being intimate and having sex on a regular basis. Your current relationship may not be physically toxic, but it's taking its toll on you emotionally. Time to re-evaluate.

[ksol9]

I'm not sure but since I've been in a relationship with him, his sex drive seems a lot lower than mine. He is saying if he isn't happy and content then he can't have sex.

 

I just don't understand. There are no signs of cheating. He is a family man and is home with us all the time. We talk frequently while at work.

[d0nnivain]

I don't want to lose my relationship.

 

What relationship? You are raising somebody else's kids & not getting sex. If you were content with the hugs & kisses you are getting, you would not be posting on LS.

 

You can't change him.

 

Your choices are accept what you have (which is clearly not enough) or walk away. Getting him to alter his behavior to make you happier probably isn't in the cards.

[Methodical]

You stated that he told you that you are making him miserable. There's no sex. He has already checked out.

[MJJean]

He doesn't want to have sex with you and he says that he isn't happy or even content with you. He seems to be keeping you around as a convenience. Maid and nanny. You stay because you don't want to be alone. This is a recipe for disaster. My advice is to leave this relationship and move on.

[ksol9]

He doesn't want to have sex with you and he says that he isn't happy or even content with you. He seems to be keeping you around as a convenience. Maid and nanny. You stay because you don't want to be alone. This is a recipe for disaster. My advice is to leave this relationship and move on.

 

And that is exactly how I feel...like I am just convenient to him. He says I always have a problem and that I'm not allowing our love to grow, but how can I do that when we have no intimacy. It's distracting. I often feel I am being cheated on and being taken advantage of. I must be a special type of fool to be raising another woman's children when him and I have what feels like a make pretend relationship. It makes me question all the things he says to me. I question the way he is with me on a regular basis. I don't feel it is normal not to have sex. He doesn't seem to be unhappy and not content as he is saying. It seems that he is only unhappy once I voice my concerns about the relationship.

[ksol9]

Is this normal? Do men go this long without sex if they feel unhappy in the relationship?

[basil67]

Not wanting sex because of being unhappy in the relationship is probably the #1 reason for a lost libido. You really don't need to look further for a reason that he's not wanting sex with you.

 

He's not happy, you're not happy. I mean, you've even got to the stage of snooping! He's doing you a favour by ending this.

[basil67]

Is this normal? Do men go this long without sex if they feel unhappy in the relationship?

 

Yes. There's even a song about it: It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long by the Notorious Cherry Bombs

 

[elaine567]

After a year he has realized that the relationship is not going anywhere and he wants to end it.

Despite kids and the semblance of a "family", it is just dating after all.

He is allowed to end it, dating is about finding compatible people and both of you are miserable, so it is obviously not working and needs to end.

[MJJean]

And that is exactly how I feel...like I am just convenient to him. He says I always have a problem and that I'm not allowing our love to grow, but how can I do that when we have no intimacy. It's distracting. I often feel I am being cheated on and being taken advantage of. I must be a special type of fool to be raising another woman's children when him and I have what feels like a make pretend relationship. It makes me question all the things he says to me. I question the way he is with me on a regular basis. I don't feel it is normal not to have sex. He doesn't seem to be unhappy and not content as he is saying. It seems that he is only unhappy once I voice my concerns about the relationship.

 

Don't listen to what he says. Listen to what his actions are telling you.

 

Romantic relationships are, by definition, sexual in nature. The difference between roommates/friends and spouses/lovers is sex.

[bathtub-row]

To answer your question, no, it's not normal for most men to go any length of time without sex. I think you found yourself another abuser. He waited until he sucked you into marriage and is now manipulating you by withholding sex, and making you feel valueless. Give it enough time, and you'll be convinced.

 

If you were smart, you'd stop talking to him about this and simply leave. This relationship has nowhere to go.

[veryhappy]

I have experience with being with somebody with a lower libido who turned to withholding sex. It doesn't get better, and you shouldn't

t try to change anybody anyway.

 

 

He's not making plans for a future with you, there's no talk of marrying and having kids of your own, so I strongly suggest you guard your future here and stop investing into him and his kids, and take your fertile years to find a good partner for yourself. You still have time, but by the time you'll be ready to conceive with someone else you'll probably approach 35 and you'll automatically be given more medical attention just based on age.

 

 

 

 

Let him go and go find your future. If you feel that you can't let go of the relationship, go to therapy.

[Miss Clavel]

Today, things took a turn for the worse. He sent me a text saying that this isn't working and that he can't have sex if he doesn't feel happy and content. He says I am making him miserable by feeling the way I am feeling and reacting the way I'm reacting. I found that to be very manipulative. I'm hurt. Beyond hurt. At this point, I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for help or advice from others who have been in this situation. I would like to add that I did some snooping. I looked through phone and email and did not find anything. No texts or anything that would be questionable. I found porn, but that's it. I'm at a loss. Thank you for reading. :'(

 

wow. i'm so sorry this has happened to you.

 

 

but, not really.

 

life has a way of taking us by the scruff of the neck and forcing us to face things we would rather drift away from.

 

this is your moment, sorry. we all have them. you have to make a really big decision, now.

 

i was going to say, "if you love him...., but i saw that you are still so young, and there's time to find someone else, still.

 

if someone can't keep from smushing with you, it's because they can't or they won't.

 

which is it with him? how good is it with him? how much easier do you think it's going to be as the unofficial nanny when his children start hitting high school puberty? being a taxi cab mom and driving the carpool almost drove me out of my skull and they were my own kids.

 

think this thru.

 

good luck

[ksol9]

Thank you all for your responses. I realize that I just don't have the time for that anymore. Yesterday things did not go well for us. We were arguing yesterday and I told him that I wasn't going to stay unless we made an agreement to move forward and that we bith wanted to stay in the relationship. I needed to hear that he wanted to be in the relationship and that I wasn't just here for his convenience. He asked me to stay at my parents house for the night while he thought about things. I know I will not hear from him. He will leave things as they are because this has happened before. Its a silent treatment and I will have to be the one to fix it. This time though, I feel things are different. This relationship is not healthy for me. I do think I have my part in things, but I have my reasons. He has been so unfair to me. I need to move on with my life. I can't continue to live this way. Before leaving yesterday, he kept saying he will call me. He just needed some time to think about things. Something isn't right. I don't want to lose my relationship but I do think the time has come for me to move on with my life. I don't know if I should wait to see if he says anything. Chances are slim to none. Or if I should just go move everything out while he is at work and the children are at school.

[anna121]

I think you need to take action and not be passive. The relationship clearly is not working and you are not married. Leaving the ball in his court is not a good idea.

[elaine567]

You cannot fix a one sided relationship all by yourself.

 

Nothing he has said or done here indicates he wants you or is fighting to keep you. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge defeat and do what is best for YOU in the long run.

[Httm]

This relationship is done. When you went and invaded his privacy, it was over.

 

Additionally, if you are raising his kids, this is more about him using you and not a true relationship. He should be doing all the heavy lifting with his kids and you being more of a good friend to them.

 

Why have you let this relationship go this long like this?

 

More importantly, where is the communication in this "relationship?" Why aren't there heart to hearts where feelings are expressed?

 

You need to move out on your own, find yourself, slowly get to a healthy place, and then start anew.

[soleilesquire]

I'm not sure but since I've been in a relationship with him, his sex drive seems a lot lower than mine. He is saying if he isn't happy and content then he can't have sex.

 

I just don't understand. There are no signs of cheating. He is a family man and is home with us all the time. We talk frequently while at work.

 

I speak as one who knows. This will not get better, especially if you marry. A bit of heartbreak now will be MUCH better than a lifetime of misery while your pain is being minimized.

[ksol9]

As expected, I have not heard from him. I don't expect to hear from him at all. After some thinking last night, I've decided that I can't continue like this any longer and if I allow days to go by sadness will sink in and I won't be able to make educated decisions. I don't want to make decisions based on emotion. I know I will not be hearing from him, so I will give it until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'd like to move my belongings out. I would be doing so without wanting to but I know it is best. As one of the other posters stated, it wouldn't be in my best interest to try to save a relationship with someone who doesn't want to save the relationship or is even showing they want to save it. I would be cheating myself. We have not been intimate in weeks. We have been fighting. My mind and my self esteem has taken a toll. The bad is now out weighing the good. There is so much more happening to show he does not want to be in the relationship. I'm not a mind reader but I can make an educated decision based on those things. I know what I want for my life, my future. I want marriage and I want children. He doesn't seem to care for those things especially not with me. I don't know if I should call him tomorrow or if I should just get my things and never look back. feels like I am getting a silent treatment as I've gotten before and I don't know how to handle it.

Edited February 17, 2016 by ksol9