delishious Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Can anyone help me? I don't have brothers or many close guy friends that I can turn to for advice, so I am left dazed and confused when it comes to men... My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year. He can't say "I love you". Six months ago, for Christmas, he gave me a card that was signed Love ya, Mike xoxo. I felt bad because I hadn't signed my card like that at all. So before bed, I said, "Mike, I love you too". He replied with "Oh, you love staying over at my place, don't you? You love spending time with me don't you?" BURN. I rolled over and shed a few quiet tears. It was quite obvious what just happened: he was either writing it down out of whim, or playing with my emotions to see where I stand on this. I've been able to get past this and give him space, but recently read a book that suggested a man who can't say I love you back is not worth my time. Here's the excuses I've told myself why he can't say it: parents divorce, dad is completely wiped from picture but somewhere in the world, past long term relationship asked him to choose between her or his sister in wheelchair because there was too many conflicts (woah). He's late twenties, and all these things happened some time ago. Am I wasting my time? He shows through actions that he loves me, but what would stop him from being able to say it? We don't talk about marriage, future, plans, etc. I am concerned that I am becoming attached to someone who does not want me. HELP.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 Don't make excuses for him. Don't try to be his shrink. And don't think that you can "save" him. You've been together long enough for him to know whether or not he loves you. If he is so emotionally crippled that he can't express this to you not only through actions and words, then you need to decide if that is enough for you. Please don't get caught in that trap of thinking that if you just love him more, or be the understanding one, that somehow you will fix him enough so that a light bulb will go off in his head and he'll figure out that he loves you. If you do that, you might be waiting an eternity, and thereby never receiving the kind of relationship and love that you deserve. A relationship is a two-way street. You are deserving of a partner who will reciprocate your love.
Author delishious Posted June 12, 2005 Author Posted June 12, 2005 hi jen, thats great advice. i do need to decide whether i want to live without hearing the words or have verbal confirmation that he does love me. i keep thinking that if i put in enough time he'll be able to cough it up. perhaps this is a sign thats not true. its such a difficult subject to talk about with him. i know i probably won't be able to get a straight answer. or one i'll want to hear....like "i'm just not sure about you yet". that would hurt too much.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 12, 2005 Posted June 12, 2005 I know this is realllllllllly hard for you. You have a deep emotional investment in this guy. I have been where you are now, and I can honestly say that walking around with the emotional angst and lump in my throat while I was with him didn't stop until we broke up. At the time I was really hurt, but the good part was that I became available to meet someone who would actually love me back...AND SAY IT!
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