Help me understand this.. i am at a loss for words and devastated

[EatYourVeggies]

so about a month and a half ago I started seeing this girl who was totally amazing.

 

Ease off the trigger son and get a hold of yourself.

 

1. Feelings of disappointment are one thing but you have some things to sort out if something this brief causes you this much anxiety, stress, anger, etc.

 

2. How could you possibly know a girl you dated only a handful of weeks is totally amazing? It's a big bad world out there and you should be more patient and kind to yourself before anointing someone you hardly know with such an honor when all you have to go is just their word.

 

How do you think I'm suppose to feel when you lead me on for over a month then in a matter of one day you end it via text?

 

You two barely started dating, not in a committed relationship or married.

 

I haven't dated a Jedi or had one do a Jedi Mind Trick on me. What did she lead you to believe? That you had just gone on your last first date and you two were going to marry and be happily ever after? Or do you think is it possible you bestowed all of your hopes, dreams, wishes and desires prematurely on someone you barely knew and just started dating?

 

She liked you, enjoyed spending time with you and for whatever reason... she started not too and had to no other choice but to break up. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you that decided you didn't like her are you then forced to continue to date her?

 

If you truly think there's a chance for us in the future than I'd be more than willing to put in the effort to be with you.

 

What would posses you to actually say that? She already broke up with you and told you to lose her number in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees a future with you and a "us?

 

What is it with you and the future? Please explain what future it is that you see. Are you sure that your crystal ball isn't malfunctioning and in need of repair? I am only asking because she already decided to break up with you in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees much less wants a future with you?

 

Also, you said you would be willing to put in the effort with her. Why would you possibly want to be with someone that requires effort on your part within a month and a half of knowing them? That should be a warning sigh, not an affirmation that she is "the one".

 

Another thing... Threatening someone, especially someone you briefly dated and hardly know with an ultimatum has never ever worked in all of recorded history.

 

I have experienced this in the past with other girls which is why I am skeptical.

 

Sigh... You are "that" guy and went "there".

 

If you actually want to see me when I'm back I'm more than willing to meet you for a birthday drink

 

Translation - I am pathetic and if I was you I wouldn't want to see me but if you are bored, have nothing better to do and want some free drinks... feel free to use me.

 

What is she trying to do here?

 

I think the better question to ask is what are you doing?

 

You called her immature, mean, a liar, belittled her, told her it requires an effort on your part to be with her, told her reasons why she is better off without you, etc. and then threatened her with an ultimatum.

 

She seems to makes you feel all kind of ways that are not positive and good for you. So I ask, what is compiling you with force to have to be with this person?

 

It seems like she's regretting her decision but it also seems like a trap.

 

She wants to be with you but she is going to slip something in your drink and steal one of your kidneys instead?

 

Reread what you just wrote. What I just said is basically your logic. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to any of us.

 

Dude... Take a deep breath, slow down and relax and be patient. Enjoy the whole getting to know you process and just focus on showing her a good time.You are way to intense, demanding, smothering, insecure, needy, emotional, etc. You are way overthinking everything, obsessed and in a rush to reach whatever "future" you seem to think you is eluding you.

 

Quit "trying harder' and "forcing it". Doing the polar opposite of that is actually what is normal, healthy and still after all these years... what works best. The sooner you realize that and do it.. Life, women, dating becomes a whole lot easier, be far more successful and you will attract far more woman than you currently believe is possible / imaginable.

Edited February 25, 2016 by EatYourVeggies

[StephenSG]

Ease off the trigger son and get a hold of yourself.

 

1. Feelings of disappointment are one thing but you have some things to sort out if something this brief causes you this much anxiety, stress, anger, etc.

 

2. How could you possibly know a girl you dated only a handful of weeks is totally amazing? It's a big bad world out there and you should be more patient and kind to yourself before anointing someone you hardly know with such an honor when all you have to go is just their word.

 

 

 

You two barely started dating, not in a committed relationship or married.

 

I haven't dated a Jedi or had one do a Jedi Mind Trick on me. What did she lead you to believe? That you had just gone on your last first date and you two were going to marry and be happily ever after? Or do you think is it possible you bestowed all of your hopes, dreams, wishes and desires prematurely on someone you barely knew and just started dating?

 

She liked you, enjoyed spending time with you and for whatever reason... she started not too and had to no other choice but to break up. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you that decided you didn't like her are you then forced to continue to date her?

 

 

 

What would posses you to actually say that? She already broke up with you and told you to lose her number in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees a future with you and a "us?

 

What is it with you and the future? Please explain what future it is that you see. Are you sure that your crystal ball isn't malfunctioning and in need of repair? I am only asking because she already decided to break up with you in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees much less wants a future with you?

 

Also, you said you would be willing to put in the effort with her. Why would you possibly want to be with someone that requires effort on your part within a month and a half of knowing them? That should be a warning sigh, not an affirmation that she is "the one".

 

Another thing... Threatening someone, especially someone you briefly dated and hardly know with an ultimatum has never ever worked in all of recorded history.

 

 

 

Sigh... You are "that" guy and went "there".

 

 

 

Translation - I am pathetic and if I was you I wouldn't want to see me but if you are bored, have nothing better to do and want some free drinks... feel free to use me.

 

 

 

I think the better question to ask is what are you doing?

 

You called her immature, mean, a liar, belittled her, told her it requires an effort on your part to be with her, told her reasons why she is better off without you, etc. and then threatened her with an ultimatum.

 

She seems to makes you feel all kind of ways that are not positive and good for you. So I ask, what is compiling you with force to have to be with this person?

 

 

 

She wants to be with you but she is going to slip something in your drink and steal one of your kidneys instead?

 

Reread what you just wrote. What I just said is basically your logic. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to any of us.

 

Dude... Take a deep breath, slow down and relax and be patient. Enjoy the whole getting to know you process and just focus on showing her a good time.You are way to intense, demanding, smothering, insecure, needy, emotional, etc. You are way overthinking everything, obsessed and in a rush to reach whatever "future" you seem to think you is eluding you.

 

Quit "trying harder' and "forcing it". Doing the polar opposite of that is actually what is normal, healthy and still after all these years... what works best. The sooner you realize that and do it.. Life, women, dating becomes a whole lot easier, be far more successful and you will attract far more woman than you currently believe is possible / imaginable.

 

how did she lead me on? by calling me baby, telling me she wanted to see me every day, felt differently with me than her past flings. So yeah, she bull****ted me. The only reason I retracted my statements about not wanting to get a drink with her is because she clearly reacted in a manner in which she was trying to gain my attention again. I had already decided that I was going to move on from her but when SHE texted me out of the blue to tell me that, I figured i had a chance. Yeah, someone I ACTUALLY LIKED for 2 months and that I felt a strong connection with, i TRIED TO put myself out there and give it another cahnce. If that makes me pathetic than I dont want to date anymore because its a sad world when you cant even disclose your true emotions to someone because you are labeled as needy or clingly. I dont want to date in a world where women cant even say what they mean.

 

"I Can see use together for a long time and making something serious out of it but im not ready yet". HER WORDS. So yeah, its all bull**** from these girls. Whats the point in dating then? I dont want to be bull****ted anymore. Honesty doesnt exist.

Edited February 25, 2016 by StephenSG

[StephenSG]

Ease off the trigger son and get a hold of yourself.

 

1. Feelings of disappointment are one thing but you have some things to sort out if something this brief causes you this much anxiety, stress, anger, etc.

 

2. How could you possibly know a girl you dated only a handful of weeks is totally amazing? It's a big bad world out there and you should be more patient and kind to yourself before anointing someone you hardly know with such an honor when all you have to go is just their word.

 

 

 

You two barely started dating, not in a committed relationship or married.

 

I haven't dated a Jedi or had one do a Jedi Mind Trick on me. What did she lead you to believe? That you had just gone on your last first date and you two were going to marry and be happily ever after? Or do you think is it possible you bestowed all of your hopes, dreams, wishes and desires prematurely on someone you barely knew and just started dating?

 

She liked you, enjoyed spending time with you and for whatever reason... she started not too and had to no other choice but to break up. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you that decided you didn't like her are you then forced to continue to date her?

 

 

 

What would posses you to actually say that? She already broke up with you and told you to lose her number in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees a future with you and a "us?

 

What is it with you and the future? Please explain what future it is that you see. Are you sure that your crystal ball isn't malfunctioning and in need of repair? I am only asking because she already decided to break up with you in a very short amount of time. What about that strikes you as someone who sees much less wants a future with you?

 

Also, you said you would be willing to put in the effort with her. Why would you possibly want to be with someone that requires effort on your part within a month and a half of knowing them? That should be a warning sigh, not an affirmation that she is "the one".

 

Another thing... Threatening someone, especially someone you briefly dated and hardly know with an ultimatum has never ever worked in all of recorded history.

 

 

 

Sigh... You are "that" guy and went "there".

 

 

 

Translation - I am pathetic and if I was you I wouldn't want to see me but if you are bored, have nothing better to do and want some free drinks... feel free to use me.

 

 

 

I think the better question to ask is what are you doing?

 

You called her immature, mean, a liar, belittled her, told her it requires an effort on your part to be with her, told her reasons why she is better off without you, etc. and then threatened her with an ultimatum.

 

She seems to makes you feel all kind of ways that are not positive and good for you. So I ask, what is compiling you with force to have to be with this person?

 

 

 

She wants to be with you but she is going to slip something in your drink and steal one of your kidneys instead?

 

Reread what you just wrote. What I just said is basically your logic. Does that make sense to you? It doesn't to any of us.

 

Dude... Take a deep breath, slow down and relax and be patient. Enjoy the whole getting to know you process and just focus on showing her a good time.You are way to intense, demanding, smothering, insecure, needy, emotional, etc. You are way overthinking everything, obsessed and in a rush to reach whatever "future" you seem to think you is eluding you.

 

Quit "trying harder' and "forcing it". Doing the polar opposite of that is actually what is normal, healthy and still after all these years... what works best. The sooner you realize that and do it.. Life, women, dating becomes a whole lot easier, be far more successful and you will attract far more woman than you currently believe is possible / imaginable.

 

honestly, **** you and your rhetoric and sarcasm. i dont need a response like that. Quite hypocritical how you speak about belittling when you're doing the exact same to me. Not to mention, why is ok for girls to know within the first 2 dates whether someone is special, but its not ok for me to know over a period of 2 months that I actually really liked someone??

 

and by the way, the only reason she told me to delete her number is because i did previously, she messaged me again and hence why i had it again.

Edited February 25, 2016 by StephenSG

[TheScientist]

Hey Stephen!

 

I wanted to add my two cents if that's ok...

 

First things first....Woooaaaah! As much as I admire your determination and passion for making this work, just please calm down and try and rationalise how you are feeling, I feel this train of thought is no good for you. I spent most of my relationship trying to work out what my ex was thinking and the weeks after we ended and I agree with the posters that replied - you don't need to understand, you really don't, it's her choice, and believe me if she wanted to make it work she would be coming from a completely different angle so please stop searching for answers in her messages, she is probably using it to seek attention and you certainly stroked her ego.

 

It's super that you're so genuine but you can't always lay your heart on the line like that, it's exhausting, especially time and time again, it's no good for you!

 

As someone that's mildly codependent the way you're reacting is really OTT.

 

I really hope you move on from this soon, and reading, understanding and even replying to your situation has really helped me assess mine.

 

Much love xx

[oceen]

honestly, **** you and your rhetoric and sarcasm. i dont need a response like that.

 

Wow is that how people react when strangers take their time to try to give them advice?

 

That's just wrong on so many levels.

 

As far as how you reacted to this girl, I too think you were way overboard in the way you talked to her and acted.

 

2 months is nothing, you don't know a person, you can't know a person after such a short time so to talk about being together for a long time and all that other sobby stuff is just a sign that you lack emotional restraint in general.

 

You need to chill and let things develop slowly.

[StephenSG]

Wow is that how people react when strangers take their time to try to give them advice?

 

That's just wrong on so many levels.

 

As far as how you reacted to this girl, I too think you were way overboard in the way you talked to her and acted.

 

2 months is nothing, you don't know a person, you can't know a person after such a short time so to talk about being together for a long time and all that other sobby stuff is just a sign that you lack emotional restraint in general.

 

You need to chill and let things develop slowly.

 

its advice with a huge sprinkling of "im better than you" from the way he talked down to me.

[katiegrl]

its advice with a huge sprinkling of "im better than you" from the way he talked down to me.

 

I didn't read or interpret it that way at all.... in fact I thought it was a great post - great advice.... and I think when things calm down, and you read it again, you will realize that as well.

 

Don't mean to pry but do you have a male role model you look up to? Whom you go to for advice?

 

Your dad, an uncle, family friend?

 

My guess is they would give you the same advice.

 

In any event, sorry you got hurt...best of luck going forward.

Edited February 25, 2016 by katiegrl

[StephenSG]

I didn't read or interpret it that way at all.... in fact I thought it was a great post - great advice.... and I think when things calm down, and you read it again, you will realize that as well.

 

Don't mean to pry but do you have a male role model you look up to? Whom you go to for advice?

 

Your dad, an uncle, family friend?

 

My guess is they would give you the same advice.

 

In any event, sorry you got hurt...best of luck going forward.

 

My dad left when I was 2, My uncle I've never been close with. So to answer your question , no

[BlueIris]

how did she lead me on? by calling me baby, telling me she wanted to see me every day, felt differently with me than her past flings. So yeah, she bull****ted me.

...

So yeah, its all bull**** from these girls. Whats the point in dating then? I dont want to be bull****ted anymore. Honesty doesnt exist.

 

People change their minds. Sometimes things come up in their own lives. Sometimes the other person does something off-putting.

 

Next time, don't get so attached so soon. At least the first 6 months is heavily limerence anyway, so be skeptical of your own attachment too.

[EatYourVeggies]

how did she lead me on? by calling me baby, telling me she wanted to see me every day, felt differently with me than her past flings. So yeah, she bull****ted me.

 

I see. So my advice that taking someone you barely know at their word and reading into things is not wise and you will no longer make this mistake going forward, right?

 

How do you think the rest of us know not to do this? Like you, in the past we made the exact same mistake. Trick is, not to become jaded and bitter and learn from it so you do not end up doing it again.

 

The only reason I retracted my statements about not wanting to get a drink with her is because she clearly reacted in a manner in which she was trying to gain my attention again. I had already decided that I was going to move on from her but when SHE texted me out of the blue to tell me that, I figured i had a chance. Yeah, someone I ACTUALLY LIKED for 2 months and that I felt a strong connection with, i TRIED TO put myself out there and give it another cahnce.

 

You are the one who made it impossible for her to meet you for the drink because you threatened her with ultimatums and only reconfirmed for her the reasons she had to break up with you. Proceeding to double down on anger, needy, super intense, bitter, etc was a massive error in judgement considering it didn't go over well / work the first time.

 

If that makes me pathetic than I dont want to date anymore because its a sad world when you cant even disclose your true emotions to someone because you are labeled as needy or clingly. I dont want to date in a world where women cant even say what they mean.

 

That's it, huh? Your way or the highway? If a woman agrees to go on a date with you she no longer has free will, choice and her happiness no longer matters? If her feelings change or comes to the conclusion that there is someone else better for her out there while dating you... She needs to get your permission and approval to end things?

 

Has it ever occurred to you how guys / girls who have your mindset are unable to hide it for long because it comes out in the way they act / talk / think / feel / behave? I can't speak for everyone but I do not date people who communicate to me through words and actions that I no longer have no right / say on what makes me happy and who I ultimately end up.

 

Why is ok for girls to know within the first 2 dates whether someone is special, but its not ok for me to know over a period of 2 months that I actually really liked someone??

 

She came to the conclusion and believes after dating you that there is someone better out there for her. Same exact reason our Exes ended up dumping us. Now what? You plan on still being super intense, prematurely reading into things and going to put a lot of stock into someone you do not know and only dated a few weeks calling you baby and equating that to being married, her pregnant and picking out baby names together?

 

"I Can see use together for a long time and making something serious out of it but im not ready yet". HER WORDS. So yeah, its all bull**** from these girls.

 

Translation - This sucks. I thought he would be cool, fun, show me a good time and see what happens but dammit if he didn't go all needy and possessive and turn into a Stage 5 Clinger on me.

 

Whats the point in dating then? I dont want to be bull****ted anymore. Honesty doesnt exist.

 

Since you learned the hard way that ultimatums do not work and you are unable to control, force or compel someone to be with you against their will... Perhaps looking within and addressing your WANT and NEED to be someone to the point of it being unhealthy for you and whomever you date is worth looking into. I assure you that if you fix that, it will produce much better results / outcomes than you have experienced so far.

Edited February 25, 2016 by EatYourVeggies

[kendahke]

It would be helpful if we love ourselves.

 

No. It's imperative that we love ourselves. By love ourselves, I mean that we always act with our best interests in mind, not someone else's and not as a means of manipulating someone into something they've already told you they either don't want or are incapable of doing.

 

When you don't love yourself, you teach others that it's OK to treat you the same way you treat yourself. All you will attract are problem people because they will recognize the similarities.

 

however loving oneself isn't a requirement for a relationship, even a moderately successful one.

 

You are so woefully wrong here. It most certainly is for one with even moderate success. The only way this functions--because it certainly doesn't work---is when you've attracted someone who's already got emotionally problems. What you suggest is setting up and being fine with a dependency dynamic--a parent/child one, in fact; and no emotionally healthy woman is going to tolerate a boy who can't take responsibility for his feelings.

 

If the only people who were in relationships were the self lovers, there would be a lot of single people out there.

 

The world is full of dysfunctional relationships because of the problems one brought into the relationship that they didn't address and resolve before getting with that person. The mindset of "you have to stay because I want a relationship with you" doesn't work and never has. No one owes someone else a relationship just because that someone wants one.

 

The Op on this thread cannot wait until he discovers the miracles of "self love". That would take years of therapy if it even happens at all.

 

He's going to end up having to do this anyway--either now or after the end of the next 20 year string of relationships. Best to get it over with now--because what's the rush when he's already broken? Fix the dang thing first and quit making it someone else's responsibility to do that heavy lifting. That's what separates the children from the adults.

 

 

Which is why I suggest that he not waste his time trying to figure out how to love himself when there are plenty of willing and able single women out there who can do it for him.

 

Messed up, flakey girls like the one he just got finished dealing with--along with the previous 3 in the past year alone. And none of them did it for him. So yeah... how did that work for him?

Edited February 26, 2016 by kendahke

[kendahke]

its advice with a huge sprinkling of "im better than you" from the way he talked down to me.

 

Again, if you have a better consideration for your esteem and loved yourself, the whole notion of someone being better than you would never have entered into your thought process because you would know on its face that that was an absurd notion to begin with.

 

This is the very thing you need to be working on because apparently, it's not just in the realm of romantic relationships, but it's in play with strangers on public message boards, too.