Help me understand this.. i am at a loss for words and devastated

February 23, 2016

That's your next girlfriends job.

Not sure what you mean by this...

Also I forgot to add I don't see my family often.. Friends I hang out with semi often.

February 23, 2016

Not sure what you mean by this...

I meant you don't need to love yourself, that's just way too much work and you'll go through lubricating gel by the case and wonder where all your money went.

Get some girl to love you and let her fingers do the walking.

February 23, 2016

Honestly I don't have many hobbies . I like cars, cooking and doing outdoor stuff like hiking and camping and going to the beach. I'm pretty average. I don't see myself as having any real strengths . And I don't know if I love myself

I'll let you in on something:

We ladies are very attracted to men who project confidence. We appreciate guys who are multi-faceted and have their own thing going on. Men who cultivate interests and hobbies are often more interesting to date, and we are stimulated by their passions. There isn't one specific hobby women prefer, given that we're all different. But knowing you've got a particular interest in a couple different areas is intriguing to us.

Men who come across as one-dimensional and insecure are not ideal boyfriend candidates, generally speaking. If we sense you don't do much apart from hanging out with us, it gets old fast. If we feel like that you don't like yourself all that much, the attraction factor often drops. You may be subconsciously projecting this opinion of yourself when you are dating. Keep in mind that women tend to be quite intuitive and we're often looking for clues (frequently without even realizing we're doing so) as to who you are and what you bring to the table, so to speak.

Work on developing a more positive self-image. Find the things that make you tick, activities that are mentally or physically engaging. You'll probably find your confidence improves, which in turn could help your love life a great deal too.

February 23, 2016

I meant you don't need to love yourself, that's just way too much work and you'll go through lubricating gel by the case and wonder where all your money went.

Get some girl to love you and let her fingers do the walking.

I don't agree with this^^ at all.

Of course we need to love ourselves! How do you expect others to love you when you don't or can't love yourself FIRST?

You also need to learn to be happy, fulfilled on your own without a RL.

Again, your girlfriend should not be your entire world, that places a very heavy burden on her and will eventually drain her emotionally and push her away.

February 23, 2016

how am i an emotional vampire? When she is the one who likely duped me into thinking she liked me so she could have a date for valentines day?????

I think what was intended was for you to realize that you get caught up in the emotions and excitement of the early relationship and that often leads to burnout…

Kinda but he says…

*i WANT to feel loved?
*I WANT to love someone?

In order to achieve that, you have to drain the object of your desire, there is NO emotional balance.

but HERE EII nails it..

Men who come across as one-dimensional and insecure are not ideal boyfriend candidates, generally speaking. If we sense you don't do much apart from hanging out with us, it gets old fast.

We ladies are very attracted to men who project confidence. We appreciate guys who are multi-faceted and have their own thing going on. Men who cultivate interests and hobbies are often more interesting to date, and we are stimulated by their passions.

That is the bottom line…

February 23, 2016

how am i an emotional vampire? When she is the one who likely duped me into thinking she liked me so she could have a date for valentines day?????

But you weren't a hapless victim here---you went along with it because you were invested in the outcome you wanted instead of having her to earn your trust and feelings.

You gave them away thinking that the mere act of doing so meant they had value to someone who told you that she gets bored quickly with guys; that she wanted you to redeem her faith in all men when the fact of the matter was she was damaged to begin with. I dare say that had you been paying better attention to what she was saying and not discounting or dismissing it, you might have had a more favorable outcome--or at least she wouldn't have taken off with so much from you that you find yourself, at 6 weeks, "devastated".

February 23, 2016

And I don't know if I love myself

This here is what you need to be working on--because if you did love yourself, you would do a better job of detecting BS, flakey girls.

At the end of the day, the relationship constant in your life is the one with yourself. If you dont' love yourself, then you teach people to follow suit. Why should they when you don't?

February 23, 2016

This here is what you need to be working on--because if you did love yourself, you would do a better job of detecting BS, flakey girls.

At the end of the day, the relationship constant in your life is the one with yourself. If you dont' love yourself, then you teach people to follow suit. Why should they when you don't?

this is the thing, she seemed totally into me. the other girls i had been with previously i could tell there wasnt a connection and there was a barrier.. this girl we were totally comfortable around each other and like i said, we felt like we had known each other for years, in a good way. which is why i felt it could be something real.

February 23, 2016

I don't agree with this^^ at all.

Of course we need to love ourselves! How do you expect others to love you when you don't or can't love yourself FIRST?

You also need to learn to be happy, fulfilled on your own without a RL.

Again, your girlfriend should not be your entire world, that places a very heavy burden on her and will eventually drain her emotionally and push her away.

It would be helpful if we love ourselves. The relationship would be healthier, happier, and have a better chance of making it long term, however loving oneself isn't a requirement for a relationship, even a moderately successful one.

If the only people who were in relationships were the self lovers, there would be a lot of single people out there.

The Op on this thread cannot wait until he discovers the miracles of "self love". That would take years of therapy if it even happens at all.

Which is why I suggest that he not waste his time trying to figure out how to love himself when there are plenty of willing and able single women out there who can do it for him.

February 23, 2016

It would be helpful if we love ourselves. The relationship would be healthier, happier, and have a better chance of making it long term, however loving oneself isn't a requirement for a relationship, even a moderately successful one.

If the only people who were in relationships were the self lovers, there would be a lot of single people out there.

The Op on this thread cannot wait until he discovers the miracles of "self love". That would take years of therapy if it even happens at all.

Which is why I suggest that he not waste his time trying to figure out how to love himself when there are plenty of willing and able single women out there who can do it for him.

Again, I don't agree.... so we will just have to agree to disagree I guess.

Pls see below.

Men who come across as one-dimensional and insecure are not ideal boyfriend candidates, generally speaking. If we sense you don't do much apart from hanging out with us, it gets old fast. If we feel like that you don't like yourself all that much, the attraction factor often drops. You may be subconsciously projecting this opinion of yourself when you are dating. Keep in mind that women tend to be quite intuitive and we're often looking for clues (frequently without even realizing we're doing so) as to who you are and what you bring to the table, so to speak.

This is assuming he wants a happy, healthy mutually-rewarding RL with a woman.... instead of turning her off and running her off.

February 24, 2016

i guess what it comes down to is there are men worthy of women's attention in this world and there are men who aren't. i seem to fall into the latter category, so perhaps its time to give up on ever finding a girlfriend or wife and just accept despair as my primary emotion.

With this crappy attitude it's no wonder why this happens to you. This pity party doesn't make you a sympathetic figure -- it makes you look like a whiny chump. Don't be that guy.

If I was to identify one issue with you, it's that you go too hard too fast. I'm guessing you guys would text each other all the time, you'd see each other constantly, you'd share feelings pretty regularly. After a month and a half, that's way too fast. That's why women get bored with you -- you give them the entire package right away. That, coupled with your general neediness, is why your relationships burst into flames.

You go way too hard in the paint emotionally. If you backed off a bit, were a little less available, a little more independent, had a little more going on, I'm guessing you'd get more long-lasting interest. If you spaced your interactions out better early in the relationship, the interactions you do have would marinate in the woman's mind and make her more excited to see you and learn more about you.

You seem to treat dating like you're a bull in a china shop. You're so excited and nervous that you charge forward and break everything. Eventually, there's nothing more that can be broken and you're kicked out of the store.

Less is more, especially early. Stop trying so damn hard and relax.

February 24, 2016

this is the thing, she seemed totally into me. the other girls i had been with previously i could tell there wasnt a connection and there was a barrier.. this girl we were totally comfortable around each other and like i said, we felt like we had known each other for years, in a good way. which is why i felt it could be something real.

And this is a problem six weeks in. She felt she knew you for years because there's very little to know. She solved the riddle in record time and became bored.

February 24, 2016

this is the thing, she seemed totally into me. the other girls i had been with previously i could tell there wasnt a connection and there was a barrier.. this girl we were totally comfortable around each other and like i said, we felt like we had known each other for years, in a good way. which is why i felt it could be something real.

Seemed--usually when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

In my life's experience, one thing that I learned that has served me very well was that when something burns fast and bright, it usually burns out very quickly. She was very skilled at luring you in, but she was an emotional hot mess to begin with and should not have been dating anyone on the heels of being dumped. At best, you were rebound guy and she was trying to get under a new guy to get over the old guy. And as is usually the case with rebounds, she wasn't emotionally done with Union Jack.

Love yourself enough to ask questions when a girl says something alarming like "I get easily bored with guys" or "you need to restore my faith in men"--both of those should have had you recoiling at warp speed; and had you had a better consideration for your own esteem and felt you were worth the investment of you standing sentry to your boundaries instead of pouring yourself out by the bucket-loads, this would have been shut down before it got to the point where devastation entered the picture.

February 24, 2016

And this is a problem six weeks in. She felt she knew you for years because there's very little to know. She solved the riddle in record time and became bored.

Welp... and then there's this.

Like Lenny Briscoe saying "I spent a week in Jersey one day..."

February 24, 2016

I doubt you did anything wrong boss. It's a matter of her change in attitude (if it actually ever changed). I learned this lesson the hard way as well. When a woman continually blows you off, fall off the radar. If she reaches out, make a date if you want to. Or tell her it was nice meeting her but that you both are not on the same page. Then block her. Otherwise, ignore and keep it moving. In my experience, this kind of person will eventually reach out to you and throw breadcrumbs your way. Don't eat them, you'll get sick. Give her a few months and she'll be sending those god awful "How are you?" messages. They are only her means of seeing if she can still affect you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

I was feeling like you were as far as finding someone worth my time. Haven't so far but there is one thing I learned. I love and value myself too much to be mistreated, played with and lied to. Continue no contact, heal, and BE GREAT!! Best of luck bro!!

February 24, 2016

i went thru something similar ... to co worker .

You sound just like me . and i feel your pain man ... the good news is ; YOU WILL GET OVER IT ...

In the beginning it was hell dude. Right now, ive kept No Contact since December 2015 and I feel great ...

you know when everyone is telling you to focus on yourself / LOVE YOURSELF ...

its Effin True . DO IT . WORK ON YOU .

I am feeling so much better ( working out , bought me new clothes ) ... its her loss ...

dont be that guy . be the NEW GUY that everyone is dying to be with ...

hope you see it the way i do now.

February 24, 2016

Listen, there is freedom in knowing that there are things that are simply not in your control. It has nothing to do with YOU. Acceptance is liberating. You cannot control how a person feels, what they think, what they like, what they need, what they want. And, neither can they. It is what it is.

You will find yourself in that position as well. You will date a girl. She's nice, she's sweet, she's fun, she's interesting, yet, you don't see yourself being with her forever. Are you going to just stay with her because . . .????

February 25, 2016

So today she out of the blue texted me this... I am going to Japan next week for 2 weeks which is what she is referring to.

Yes there is a connection. Yes I do get bored of people easily. Yes I could see myself being with you for awhile and make something serious out of it.. but I don't feel ready to do it yet. It's not like i got bored of you or anything but I could feel that our relationship wouldn't last just cause I know me; so i ended it. If you still want to go for that drink after you come back from Japan so we can talk in person I'm still down.

I replied with:

If you are truly into someone you become ready for the relationship.. Hence why you were in love with Shaun and ready to be with him. I don't know the circumstances of that but This is usually the case in situations like this. Clearly our interest level doesn't match as I was ready to let what we had progress naturally and see where it went. You however are not which is fine. I was heated yesterday and I apologize for my texts .. You really led me on so that's why I was hurt by it. Anyways, I don't know if I want to see you but I'll re asses when I come back from Japan and see if there's any point to us having a drink.

And she said :

Mmk. Whatever. I knew you wouldn't understand. This is ****ed already and I don't see a reason fixing it since you act like that. Have fun in Japan and you go ahead and delete my number.

And then I said :

Wow that's not a very mature response . How do you think I'm suppose to feel when you lead me on for over a month then in a matter of one day you end it via text? Like I said I was hurt by it. If you truly think there's a chance for us in the future than I'd be more than willing to put in the effort to be with you. You know how strongly I feel about you. I have experienced this in the past with other girls which is why I am skeptical . If you actually want to see me when I'm back I'm more than willing to meet you for a birthday drink

And she said :

If I didn't want to see you I wouldn't mention the drink part stephen

And i said ok I'll text when I'm back. And I said let's take some space for the next couple weeks .

What is she trying to do here? It seems like she's regretting her decision but it also seems like a trap.

February 25, 2016

anyone have some input to the above?

February 25, 2016

Sounds like she just wants to keep things casual and friendly. She's not looking for anything serious, hence her saying she can see herself with you for a while if she's ever ready.

She's perfect for casual hookups, but you shouldn't be so overly emotional with her, it'll turn her off and make you look weak. If you can't get past your feelings for her, it would be best for you to just ignore her and move on.

February 25, 2016

I am not sure what you want to achieve with this. Sounds like she want to meet to clarify herself some more. Remember people do not like it to be criticized. Watch out with sentences like you have lead me on. I do not read this as a possible chance for you. You are just giving her an egoboost.

February 25, 2016

so should i just cut her off and tell her to kick rocks?

February 25, 2016

so should i just cut her off and tell her to kick rocks?

Stephen.... she broke up with you.

No you don't want to be friends.

At this point, you block her, go no contact....and move on.

A response to her latest text is not necessary. Had you blocked her, you wouldn't have received it anyway.

THE END.

Edited February 25, 2016 by katiegrl

February 25, 2016

Stephen.... she broke up with you.

No you don't want to be friends.

At this point, you block her, go no contact....and move on.

A response to her latest text is not necessary. Had you blocked her, you wouldn't have received it anyway.

THE END.

well what the hell is she trying to accomplish by texting me this stuff?

February 25, 2016

well what the hell is she trying to accomplish by texting me this stuff?

Does it matter? You will drive yourself crazy trying to get into someone else's (her) headspace.

What you should focus on right now is yourself, and your own healing.

That is why you block her..... so you won't have to deal with any of this crap.

It makes going no contact and moving on sooooooo much easier Stephen, trust me on that.

Stay strong.

Wish you the best moving forward.

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Help me understand this.. i am at a loss for words and devastated

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