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Help me understand this.. i am at a loss for words and devastated


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Posted
a "little miss princess" expects you to be less interested in her, than she is in you. You aren't supposed to match her interest.

 

Exactly, just like I said above.

 

Even if they tell you "they don't play games". Especially if they tell you that.

 

Attraction is not only instinctive, it's earned, and nurtured.

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Posted
"Its you not me" is girl code for I'm just not interested and I don't want to hurt your feelings. Its not helpful, but what do you expect? Girls aren't dating consultants. They aren't gonna agree to an exit interview or fill out a feedback form either. And frankly, they don't really understand why they like what they like. Other men make more reliable sources of advice than women do. You asking a girl to explain attraction is like a girl asking a guy to explain makeup. If you want analysis go to a guy friend.

 

Its not ideal but that's what we all deal with. You can do it too. You just have to be (brutally) honest with yourself.

 

 

 

Frankly (and I'll get blowback on here for this but I don't care) a "little miss princess" expects you to be less interested in her, than she is in you. You aren't supposed to match her interest. Well now you know.

 

You sound bitter as hell man. Relax! I know it sucks but like I said you're not some kind of uniquely oppressed person. Most men deal with this stuff and a lot of the guys who you look at as not 'struggling' have had to go through the same letdowns as you, it just happened earlier in life.

 

Why do you want a girlfriend? Curious.

 

because i want to feel loved? I want to love someone? I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support, but I love having a girlfriend to share my life with and do things with. everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life. I've always felt this way. I had a gf of 2 years a year ago and it was amazing until she dumped me for "not spoiling her enough"

Posted
because i want to feel loved? I want to love someone? I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support, but I love having a girlfriend to share my life with and do things with. everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life. I've always felt this way. I had a gf of 2 years a year ago and it was amazing until she dumped me for "not spoiling her enough"

 

Girlfriends. You're doing it wrong.

Posted
i want to feel loved? I want to love someone? I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support, but I love having a girlfriend to share my life with and do things with. everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life. I've always felt this way.

 

 

I’m sorry dude and hope this does not offend but you need counseling big time. You are never going to be in a cohesive relationship or be a good (emotionally secure partner) until you eradicate the above mindset.

 

 

 

a "little miss princess" expects you to be less interested in her, than she is in you.

 

 

Yep because she likely did not receive “quality” interaction or feedback from a major male role model or father in her developmental years. She expects dudes to eventually abandon or ignore.

 

 

This is why knowing and understanding someones upbringing and family dynamics is as important as knowing the person you are dating.

Posted
I’m sorry dude and hope this does not offend but you need counseling big time. You are never going to be in a cohesive relationship or be a good (emotionally secure partner) until you eradicate the above mindset.

 

 

I agree with this.... your girlfriend should not be your entire world, we all need friends, family, outside interests other than our SOs.

 

My guess is the women you date sense this need in you and become turned off.

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Posted
I’m sorry dude and hope this does not offend but you need counseling big time. You are never going to be in a cohesive relationship or be a good (emotionally secure partner) until you eradicate the above mindset.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yep because she likely did not receive “quality” interaction or feedback from a major male role model or father in her developmental years. She expects dudes to eventually abandon or ignore.

 

 

This is why knowing and understanding someones upbringing and family dynamics is as important as knowing the person you are dating.

 

why is acceptable for women to want to be loved and want to be in love, but not acceptable for a guy to show genuine interest in a girl?

  • Like 2
Posted
why is acceptable for women to want to be loved and want to be in love, but not acceptable for a guy to show genuine interest in a girl?

 

We're wired differently. The differences between men and women are not limited to the genitalia.

Posted
she kept telling me the whole way thru this "thing" that she got bored of people really quickly

 

It all comes down to this---and this is something you should not have ignored.

 

I think she wanted someone to spend valentine's day with and once that day had passed, she had no further use for you.

 

Flakey people have been around from the dawn of time and will be around until the end of time. The best thing anyone can tell you is to hold onto the reins of your heart and don't let them go for someone within one month. People can/will say anything to get what they want if they're of that personality. They have to earn you easing up on the reins and being allowed in. From what you wrote, she didnt' earn squat.

  • Like 1
Posted

Did you meet these women online? There is a lot of make-believe in OLD. Also a lot of wounded people on the rebound. They play "in love" because it feels good, as if it is real. If you did not meet this girl through friends and family, did she ever introduce you to her family/social contacts/work ? If she kept you apart from her real life, it was just a game people play on the side.

Posted
why is acceptable for women to want to be loved and want to be in love, but not acceptable for a guy to show genuine interest in a girl?

 

It is acceptable for men to do this--they have to be way more discerning in who they do this with. Just because you had sex with her a few times doesn't mean that she earned the trust required for you to share this with her.

 

Remember--she told you up front that she got bored with people quickly. Inserting the qualifier that you were different after that fact didn't change this fact she admitted to you.

Posted

That's a sh*tty thing she's done to you and the way you'll be feeling right now is absolutely understandable.

 

She should not have lead you on, there's no two ways about it.

 

I hope you take the time you need and don't bother contacting her.

 

If you feel up to it, maybe go on a few dates to take your mind off it.

 

Wishing you well!!

  • Like 2
Posted
i've had maybe 3-4 of these types of relationships over the past year, so its started to wear my down. if this was the first one it wouldnt affect me so much .. that combined with the fact she actually seemed legit.

 

The common denominator in this is you--there is something you're ignoring if within 1 year's time, you've attracted the same character in different bodies 4 times. By #3, you should have been able to see that character coming at 500 paces.

Posted
She told me after the guy from england dumped her she needed a guy to restore her faith in men,

 

That wasn't your job, though. She needed to be alone and work on her broken man picker, not foist that job upon you and make you do the heavy lifting. Her faith in men was her problem to fix, not yours. You tried rescuing her from herself and that never, ever works.

  • Like 1
Posted
why is acceptable for women to want to be loved and want to be in love, but not acceptable for a guy to show genuine interest in a girl?

 

 

Did not say it was NOT acceptable, I don’t know you, I’m only going by what you specifically wrote…

 

 

This statement has several MAJOR red flags…

 

 

 

*i want to feel loved?

 

 

*I want to love someone?

 

*I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support,

 

 

*but I love having a girlfriend

 

 

*to share my life with and do things with.

 

 

*everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life.

 

 

*I've always felt this way.

 

 

You are what some call an emotional vampire..

 

 

Any woman you will ever be with until you rid yourself of this mindset will grow tired of you, much of this is due to you not liking yourself and needing someone to validate you, thru a relationship

 

 

That is NOT healthy and frankly dangerous. Sorry for being blunt but I'm dead serious. Seen too many times in people/friends... I kinda was you after 2nd divorce until I followed moms advice... "learn to be with just you, before trying to be with someone."

 

 

 

You gotta fix YOU before you can "be with" anyone.

Posted
because i want to feel loved? I want to love someone? I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support, but I love having a girlfriend to share my life with and do things with. everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life. I've always felt this way. I had a gf of 2 years a year ago and it was amazing until she dumped me for "not spoiling her enough"

 

Let me ask you: do you love yourself?

Posted
because i want to feel loved? I want to love someone? I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support, but I love having a girlfriend to share my life with and do things with. everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life. I've always felt this way. I had a gf of 2 years a year ago and it was amazing until she dumped me for "not spoiling her enough"

 

Bolded -- okay that was BS as women don't break up with their boyfriends they love because boyfriend didn't "spoil her enough."

 

So that was just an excuse.

 

In any event, it would appear that after that experience, for the past year, you have been over-compensating....and giving these chicks too much attention, before it's earned.

 

Also, as Larryville said earlier, the above quoted attitude (first paragraph) reflects a very unhealthy and overly needy way of conducting your relationships and it has nothing to do with gender. I would give the same advice to women too.

 

As I said earlier, your girlfriend (boyfriend) should not be your entire world. Not needing friends, family, etc. places an enormous burden on your girlfriends to be your entire world, and that is a turn off.... plain and simple.

 

Lesson learned going forward. Become more independent... develop friendships, outside interests and incorporate them into your RLs.

 

This is a much more healthy attitude and you might find your girlfriends sticking around longer....maybe forever!

Posted (edited)
The common denominator in this is you

 

There's a math expression for that.

 

8/1-8/1 -8/1-8/1 = 8(0)/1 = 0

 

vs

 

8/1 + 8/1 +8/1 + 8/1 = 4(8)/1 = 4(8)

 

1 = his penis (erect)

8= boobs (pr of 2)

Edited by strow
Posted
so about a month and a half ago I started seeing this girl who was totally amazing. we both had chemistry and the whole time we were dating we both always said to each other it felt like we had known each other for longer than we had. we kissed a lot, flirted at dinners she laughed and told me how hot and cute i was all the time, and i returned the favors. We went out for a fantastic valentines dinner. about a week later this past weekend I ask her to hang out after work on friday and she says she wants to hang out with her friends instead. so i say ok fine lets hang tomorrow night (saturday) and sunday we were going to go for brunch etc. saturday comes and she bails on me saying she wants to go out with her friends again, so i kind of get a little choked that she blowed me off and ask her why etc? nothing rude just inquiring. anyways i let it go eventually and then sunday we go for brunch and have a nice day together, had sex etc. she kept telling me the whole way thru this "thing" that she got bored of people really quickly but that i was different and she liked me so much. sunday was no exception to this.. monday she is being very distant texting me so i ask her straight up what the problem is... she tells me she is over it. just like that out of no where.

 

I thoguth we had a connection i said? and she agreed. I asked her what i I did wrong? She said nothing. she said she wanted to be alone because she recently got out of a 4 year relationship blah blah blah. i have been told this same lie by so many women so I am used to it by now.

 

Then she said she still wanted to talk to me/ see me as friends, and i said i cant stand the thought of her with another guy.. she told me if she was going to be with a guy it would be me, its just that she wants to be alone.

 

BUT, after her 4 year relationship, she was seeing a guy from england who moved away and dumped her. ( i would define it as a rebound...) I asked her about him and why she was ready to settle down with him, and she simply told me "IT WAS DIFFERENT". Can you believe that? I asked how so? and she said she was in love with him. from what I could tell everything in our relationship was moving towards us falling in love. she told me at one point even she had a dream she told me she loved me...

 

Please help me understand what is going through this womans head. because its totally beyond me. why did she call me baby for a month and a half and tell me she wanted to see me everyday, then pull this out of no where.. I cant understand it. After dating for a year and a half and having no success i actually thought she was the one...

 

I could tell everything in our relationship was moving towards us falling in love -- Really, after a month and a half, huh? Endorphins . . .

 

She is still recovering from the end of her 4 year relationship. That doesn't happen overnight. She dates people once in awhile because she wants comfort.

 

BUT, after her 4 year relationship, she was seeing a guy from england who moved away and dumped her. -- So she rebounded with the guy from England, he dumped her and now she's "recovering" from two break ups back to back. This is the reason people need to give themselves plenty of time after break ups before attempting to start another relationship.

 

It's always out of nowhere because people don't pay attention . . . you were dating a woman who was fresh out of a 4 year relationship. Any time you date someone who has gone through a break up and it's been fairly recent (within the last year especially if it was a long-term relationship) you need to manage your emotions and expectations for quite some time and be prepared for it to end and perhaps "suddenly. Sure, she liked you, had fun with you, she was enjoying herself, but at some point reality hits again and she realizes she's in too deep and still grieving. Be very careful when you date people who are fresh out of relationships. Plain and simple.

 

Get out there and keep dating. It's just part of the process.

  • Author
Posted
Did not say it was NOT acceptable, I don’t know you, I’m only going by what you specifically wrote…

 

 

This statement has several MAJOR red flags…

 

 

 

*i want to feel loved?

 

 

*I want to love someone?

 

*I am more of a person who doesnt need a lot of friends and family support,

 

 

*but I love having a girlfriend

 

 

*to share my life with and do things with.

 

 

*everything feels lonely and bleak and grey without someone special in my life.

 

 

*I've always felt this way.

 

 

You are what some call an emotional vampire..

 

 

Any woman you will ever be with until you rid yourself of this mindset will grow tired of you, much of this is due to you not liking yourself and needing someone to validate you, thru a relationship

 

 

That is NOT healthy and frankly dangerous. Sorry for being blunt but I'm dead serious. Seen too many times in people/friends... I kinda was you after 2nd divorce until I followed moms advice... "learn to be with just you, before trying to be with someone."

 

 

 

You gotta fix YOU before you can "be with" anyone.

 

how am i an emotional vampire? When she is the one who likely duped me into thinking she liked me so she could have a date for valentines day?????

Posted
how am i an emotional vampire? When she is the one who likely duped me into thinking she liked me so she could have a date for valentines day?????

 

The term has a rather strong and unnecessary connotation. I think what was intended was for you to realize that you get caught up in the emotions and excitement of the early relationship and that often leads to burnout.

  • Author
Posted

i guess what it comes down to is there are men worthy of women's attention in this world and there are men who aren't. i seem to fall into the latter category, so perhaps its time to give up on ever finding a girlfriend or wife and just accept despair as my primary emotion.

Posted
i guess what it comes down to is there are men worthy of women's attention in this world and there are men who aren't. i seem to fall into the latter category, so perhaps its time to give up on ever finding a girlfriend or wife and just accept despair as my primary emotion.

 

Oh stop with the self pity! You get dates and you get involved with women, so you've already got that part covered. You need to work on your relationship skills, it's not really all that difficult.

  • Like 4
Posted

OP, a question:

 

What are you hobbies and interests? How often to do you socialize with friends, colleagues or family members?

 

Describe your general lifestyle and whats makes you you. Tell me, what do you consider your biggest strengths?

 

I think your answers to the above will be helpful in formulating some effective feedback for you, in terms of how you might be coming across to the women you date.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
OP, a question:

 

What are you hobbies and interests? How often to do you socialize with friends, colleagues or family members?

 

Describe your general lifestyle and whats makes you you. Tell me, what do you consider your biggest strengths?

 

I think your answers to the above will be helpful in formulating some effective feedback for you, in terms of how you might be coming across to the women you date.

 

Honestly I don't have many hobbies . I like cars, cooking and doing outdoor stuff like hiking and camping and going to the beach. I'm pretty average. I don't see myself as having any real strengths . And I don't know if I love myself

Posted
And I don't know if I love myself

 

That's your next girlfriends job.

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