Newly Dating - Distant or Legit?

[swirly27]

Hello!

 

I apologize for the length but want to be as descriptive as possible. Lol

 

So I met a guy online on a dating site, end of November. We chatted each day for awhile and the conversation was great, good convo chemistry. After a week I got the impression maybe he lost some interest, he didn't chat as much, so I backed off, answering messages less often....but he did still write. That weekend I went out with a girlfriend and got drunk and called him haha. I didn't even remember it. Funnily, he messaged me the next day and we talked on the phone. I thought for sure he would be a creep, only wanting one thing, blah blah. But when I called him drunk, I guess I asked him to meet me that nite and he didn't (points for him) but I was leery cause he asked me out for a drink, so I thought he assumed maybe I was easy.

 

I have to say or first date was great! I was so embarrassed about my drunk call but he said it showed I was fun and he liked my voice haha. He said he thought I had become dis-interested as well in the beginning so it seems we had misunderstandings on that. He said work projects got longer so that's why his message volume slowed a bit.

 

We've gone on 7 dates and they have been great! We do live 45 min apart, but for 6 of the 7 dates, he initiated the planning and we genuinely have a good time, we talk, we laugh, we play games (pool, darts, bowling), went to a comedy club one nite. We also have ONLY kissed but they have been amazing, I get the sense he likes the art of seduction maybe and I respect that we are going slow. In between the dates, we usually text every day, quite a bit most days, try to talk on the phone once a week. We have not had any convos about our dating status and that is ok...I will say I am not dating anyone else.

 

So here is my concern.....we went out 3 Saturday's ago and it was great! He won the game of pool and for his win he said I could take him out to dinner, which is great cause he never lets me pay for anything, so it's a win for me. So obviously he wants to see me again. We texted normal the Sunday of super bowl and Monday after that...then 2 Tuesdays ago things changed.....he barely texted but he apologized that **** loaded on him and he was mentally and physically fatigued....he is self employed as a contractor. So I have been cool and cheery and told him I was sorry and if he wanted to talk, I'm a good listener and sent a smiley (he has been quite the talker all along about things). I didn't hear from him at all that wed, which was sooo different from our normal chatter. He texted that Thursday apologizing for being kinda a dick but again, a lot of **** is on him. I wait a bit and said he wasn't being a dick, tx for texting me and hope things get better. He checked in Friday and Saturday but nothing Sunday, Valentine's Day. I don't really care about that holiday but it did kinda sting he didn't even say hi....and I was bummed no date...but I know he worked all 3 days. Last Monday he texts me asking how I am doing and we text for a bit. He did tell me again sorry for being Mia, he is striving to finish his current project by March 1st and that's a very aggressive schedule. He also then asked me how I was and I told him I had a horrible migraine on v-day, he was sorry to hear that and said then he was glad he didn't bug me that day....ugg, why would he think he bugs me? But anyway, he does not come off as insecure. I told him of course he doesn't bug me (I have said this before) and I was a tad flirty when I answered his text, saying "hi handsome"! During last Monday's texts we discussed our 'bet wins' we have from our game playing and I mentioned my dinner date win...he said he is very much looking forward to it and suggested this past saturday, pending his scheduled. We didn't text much last thurs, but he said he was sick but working thru it, so friday i said we could table our dinner date for another time, he thanked me. I did say if he wanted to do something more lowkey to let me know; saturday he texted me that he was still sick. Sunday he checked in with me and I responded but haven't heard anything since then.

 

So.....I truly don't think he is doing the slow fade....he seems very straightforward and blunt and too busy to string things along....but am I wrong? I can honestly say even though I am fretting right now, I have been cheery and chill when he texts me. He has been nothing but chivalrous, gentlemanly, he has never cancelled a date (even when one time he was sick and another his truck blew up, so he found another car to drive, which was our last date btw). What are your thoughts......I always hear a guy is never TOO busy but I am still worried....he is checking in, asking how I am, apologizing and genuinely seems swamped.....am I wrong about him?

Also, the Monday before he got distant that Tuesday, we were texting as normal, flirty, said good nite, nothing weird has ever happened, no arguments have ever occurred.

 

I am an over analyzer so I can't figure out if I am making this worse than it is in my head or if I am right about my worries? Would greatly appreciate your thoughts!

PS - I do NOT want to ask what is going on, its normally never a good idea, at least at this point; I plan on giving it a couple more weeks and if this same layout continues, no dates and minimal contact, I kind of think that speaks for itself....but I do know he is working 7 days a week, needing a new car, and caring for his father. My gut is usually right on with spotting BS and I don't think I am being lied to....but I am curious what others think.

 

Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

Why don't you believe that he's too busy & tired with work? Contractors especially self employed one work like dogs. If he's still hanging in there with the communications, even though it's not as intense as it was, what is giving you pause?

 

Try to set up another date. If that doesn't work, assume he did do the slow fade. But remember you have been wrong about him before so if there are no facts other than your usually reliable "gut" have a little faith. I'm not saying pick out a wedding dress, but do assume he'll call when he gets time.

[swirly27]

Hi d0nivain!

 

I guess I feel scared from past experiences, which I know is not right to do, but I am human. Lol. We were seeing each other every weekend and now haven't since 3 weekends ago, so that raised my hairs....but I contradict myself cause if I believe what he says, he is dog a$$ busy, has been sick, etc.

 

Our last date 3 weekends ago, I did initiate that one, I asked when he'd give me the chance to beat him at more games and that's how that date got planned. Then last Monday when he mentioned bet wins, I brought up my dinner date win and he said he was looking forward to it, even suggested this past Saturday, bu then he got sick....I guess I am just nervous he is BS'ing me, yet I truly don't get that d*ckhead vibe from him.....I really like him and am just scared I guess.....if we don't see each other this weekend, that will be a month....and he hasn't answered my text since Sunday, which is not like him either. Some of my friends say then he's just not that into me....but I can understand being swamped vs not that into me, but am afraid I am not reading this right?

[swirly27]

As an update, he did now text me earlier tonight, said he was again sorry for being Mia, he has been struggling caring for his dad, exhausted and still not feeling well himself and again sorry. I waited a bit as I was at a friends house, but texted back "hey you! Well then I hope you both feel better, wish there was something I could do.....and I hope u don't forget what I look like " followed by a smiley and a tongue sticking out face....trying to be upbeat, flirty and supportive. Hope that was a good response.

 

I do think he would just tell me if this wasn't working for him, not try to get me to end all contact...but I'll always worry I am wrong :-(

[swirly27]

So I'm back hoping for insight still....

 

Since my last post, we still have not seen each other but he has continued to text and he asked me my availabilities last week and mine was Saturday but he had plans....he did text that nite and say he missed me and we talked on the phone, all was good, the convo. He even said week nites could work too, since we live 45 me away I think he was asking if that was still ok since I work earlier in the morning, he can start work when he wants. So I told him I missed him too and on Monday I asked his availabilities for the week, since he told me to ....I didn't hear anything for 2 days and then he apologized and said he was helping a friend who was being abused...fine....I was nice and responded but I then backed off a bit. He texted me last nite asking if I was ok and I was nice, told him it was very nice to hear from him. He told me his dad was also in the er this week.

 

Bottom line, he could just be this busy, he could be full of sh*t, he could be many things but the facts are we haven't seen each other in a month, yet he continues to text and we've talked on the phone....we've never had s*x so it's not the booty call on the side option and we do live 45 min apart. But this lack of mtg is driving me nuts.....so I should be myself and say something or decide this doesn't work for me and walk.....but I really like him and want to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

Last nite we texted till 4 in the morning and we played our questions game and I blatantly asked as one of mine, if he was going to ask me out again....being blunt lol...he said if he hadn't , he wouldn't message me..but yes. He did then ask my schedule and that is in the works right now.

 

Is there any salvage to this? We're not exclusive, been on 7 great dates, he stays in touch and says all the right things. but at this point, to be true to myself, if this continues, I don't want to just fade and say this doesn't work for me...id like to somehow tell him how I feel without appearing desperate, with the hopes he'll step up...and if he doesn't, then I still feel I was confident and dignified....how do I say something and relay that??

Edited March 5, 2016 by swirly27

[Sara1989]

Ok some of our situations sound similar so I am going give you what is happening with me...

 

 

I been dating a man who lives 45 MINUTES AWAY for going on 6 weeks, we have been on 7 dates. He calls me everyday, he texts me everyday. On Valentine day, even though we only been dating for 3 weeks at that time, he sent me flowers and a teddy bear.

 

 

We had sex on the third date, he hasn't faded on me.

 

 

I don't buy the im too busy to text or see you bull****, it takes one minute to send a text. He hasn't bothered to see you in weeks, ditch him. Your his back up girl incase the other women he sees doesn't work out.

[swirly27]

Thank u Sara....I agree this could be the situation, although he does text, not as much each day, but most days. If I believe his words, he is working almost 7 days a week, was sick one weekend and last weekend our schedules didn't mesh....but I do hear what ur saying.

 

So what is a mature thing to say at this point so I sound confident of my needs and not just say Bye, I'm done....cause I do care at this point how I leave things?

[Gaeta]

So now it makes it how long since you had a date? 6 weeks?

 

I would not pursue this.

 

He may be a great guy but obviously he is not in a situation to date at this time and he's only wasting your time.

 

That being said, I think he is full of BS and he's probably married or in a relationship. A man that is interested in you will never let 6 weeks go by without seeing you, and this even if he has to drive 1 hour late at night to spend 5 minutes with you.

[Sara1989]

Thank u Sara....I agree this could be the situation, although he does text, not as much each day, but most days. If I believe his words, he is working almost 7 days a week, was sick one weekend and last weekend our schedules didn't mesh....but I do hear what ur saying.

 

So what is a mature thing to say at this point so I sound confident of my needs and not just say Bye, I'm done....cause I do care at this point how I leave things?

 

I would say, it has been weeks since we last saw each other and I cant be dating someone who cant make time for me. He very well may reply "Oh I understand, good luck" or he fight for you. Your find out what his real intentions are either way.

 

 

Your wasting your time with this guy though, a man who is into you wouldn't want wait weeks to see you.

[swirly27]

Thank you both, I know I would say the same thing to someone else in my situation, so it's good to hear. It has been a month tomorrow since I've seen him. He asked me about last week, but we didn't have similar open nites. I truly don't believe he is married or in a relationship....but I understand that scenario coming up.

 

He asked me last nite my schedule so this is my last go at seeing how it plays, this has to be the make or break moment....I probably let it go longer than most people would but I've never said my wants or needs or even acted like any of this bothers me thus far, so I don't expect him to be a mind reader.....but I agree if he wanted something more, we'd be seeing each other more....after this week, I'll need to say something like Sara said and then that needs to be it, I'll know one way or the other. I'm just scared to say it cause I like him...I don't like the last month but I liked the prior 7 weeks. Lol, but it's good to hear these things, I'll keep this updated cause it helps!

[Gaeta]

He asked me last nite my schedule so this is my last go at seeing how it plays, this has to be the make or break moment

 

I really don't see it as anything. He'll apologize and give you the same excuses he's been giving you.

 

Then you'll have this date and what? it may be another 4 weeks before you see him again? with the same excuses lined up?

 

 

....I probably let it go longer than most people would but I've never said my wants or needs or even acted like any of this bothers me thus far, so I don't expect him to be a mind reader

 

This is not about your wants and needs. And there is not talk about wants & needs till you are in an official exclusive relationship.

 

This you are doing is is pre-dating. This is the period where you check each other out to see if you are compatible. If you are not you move on. You don't start asking for someone to change for you after 7 dates. This man is not interested enough to make time for you.

 

You should not have to tell a man after 7 dates that you need to be seen and heard. He should be seeing you and calling you because he can't wait to see you and talk to you.

 

If a man doesn't see you it's because he doesn't want to see you. If he wanted he would make it happen.

[Sara1989]

Thank you both, I know I would say the same thing to someone else in my situation, so it's good to hear. It has been a month tomorrow since I've seen him. He asked me about last week, but we didn't have similar open nites. I truly don't believe he is married or in a relationship....but I understand that scenario coming up.

 

He asked me last nite my schedule so this is my last go at seeing how it plays, this has to be the make or break moment....I probably let it go longer than most people would but I've never said my wants or needs or even acted like any of this bothers me thus far, so I don't expect him to be a mind reader.....but I agree if he wanted something more, we'd be seeing each other more....after this week, I'll need to say something like Sara said and then that needs to be it, I'll know one way or the other. I'm just scared to say it cause I like him...I don't like the last month but I liked the prior 7 weeks. Lol, but it's good to hear these things, I'll keep this updated cause it helps!

 

 

Yes keep us updated! but I hope you haven't stopped dating in the past month while this has been going on. I had guys play me about like this but when a man is into you, you know. Its easy to make excuses (I done it) but if he isn't putting in the effort now, your just flogging a dead horse. Anyway let us know what happens.