Crazy ex has me scared

[BlametheIrish]

So I broke up with this guy last July after dating for five months. During our relationship I learned at one point in his life he had been admitted to a mental health facility for severe depression. But after getting to know him I think he's bi polar.

 

He is highly intelligent but emotionally stunted. The reason I think he's bi polar is he's hyper sexual. Awful with money, rapid cycling of emotions, jumps from job to job, is super insecure but thinks he's smarter and better than most people. He hadn't been in a relationship since high school before me and he's in his early 30's.

 

His behavior became more and more erratic as our relationship progressed and I broke up with him. Our break up went surprisingly well but he first contacted me a month after our breakup saying he was getting all this attention on online dating sites by doctors and women who are very successful y societies standards but he couldn't get me out of his head even though I'm sub par compared to these women (he cycles through dead end jobs BTW). I told him good luck with those women and I hope he finds the happiness he deserves.

 

He didn't contact me for a few months after that. Then a month ago I get a text saying something like "I hope no one ever dates you cause you're awful, blah blah blah. I answered him with " Wrong number" and left it at that.

 

Then a few days ago I get one missed call from a random number at 9am then another number at 10 then around 10:30 he calls from his actual phone number. I do not answer but instead text him. "Do I know you?" I've been hoping to not have to change my number and the wrong number thing would throw him off. He texted back "Yeah, but you don't wanna talk to me. I called the wrong number". I spent yesterday feeling very uneasy, he lives in the same city as me. Every time he has tried to contact me I end up shaking with fear. I'm not a fearful person by nature either. He texted me again this morning talking about how I have a bunch of exes out there who are angry and bitter at what I did to them with my calouse and fickle heart. (He knows a total of one of my exes, an old friend of his who is just as far gone mentally as he is) Then asked me if I realize how ****ty of a person I am. I again reply with wrong number man hoping to dissuade him. He then sends something else horrible and I now know I have to get my number changed asap.

 

I broke up with this guy because he has so many issues, I'm a bit CO dependant and I have white knight complex bad so I've really screwed myself over in the dating world with a few men I've dated. I broke up with him specifically because he's full of drama. Our entire relationship was spent with me trying to encourage and help him. Then I had one day where I was sad about things in my life that were transpiring at the time. He asked why and I told him, one of the things that was making me sad was how depressed he was and how I felt like there was nothing I could do to help.

 

He flipped out saying he's never telling me about his issues again because how dare I feel bad about them and in return make him feel bad. He was so irrational and over the top. I just needed a little comfort that day and he flipped his lid so I broke up with him. I'd finally had enough.

 

Now I'm seriously afraid. Afraid of what he's capable of, afraid he might come to my house, mess with my car, my life etc.

 

I'm shaking as I type this. I don't know what to do. I don't have any threats from him aside from a remark insinuating he had dirty pics of me on the internet. I believe he's fixated on me since I'm the only woman to pay attention to him in years. He's handsome but very awkward and socially stunted so women usually brush him off before they even get to experience the crazy side of him.

 

Anyone have experience with restraining orders or getting an ex to peacefully leave you alone? I've never been this scared in a long time. I'm really at a loss as of what to do. I'm afraid if I change my nunbedhe might start frequenting my neighborhood and I've got a child at home.

 

Also to all who comment, I've been working on my co dependancy issues since we broke up. I've also been working on my white knight complex and listening to my gut instinct, not ignoring red flags etc. I did this to myself and now I need to figure out how to get this man to leave me alone for good.

[stillafool]

Go down to the police station and tell this story. Ask them what you should do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Change your number.

 

Seriously.

 

Tell him to stop making attempts to contact you or you will Jack him up for harassment.

 

Then document so if he pursues, you can.

 

I dated one like this, he told me about all of these "better women" he was getting falling all over him too. What a joke. I was the only relationship he ever had.

[Toodaloo]

I had a stalker who was quite 'erm persistent. Mine went to threaten rape, beatings,

 

They do eventually give up. You just have to keep ignoring them.

 

If he rings or sends a text again completely ignore it. Do not under any circumstances respond. If you see him anywhere near you report it to the police and keep a diary. Do not hide what this person is doing from any of your friends or family. Tell them and talk to them about it.

[AnnaGem]

Block him or change your number..

 

but first make it very clear to him (in writing) that you do not want him to contact you or else you will pursue legal action..

 

Then yes, document anything after that.

 

My situation was similar to yours and he was relentless even after I told him to stop contacting me. He contacted my friends, my new boyfriend, started stalking the new boyfriend's family- I documented each and every move he made and finally went to the police. Even though he never threatened to physically harm me, there were pages of documentation (4 months worth) of his unrelenting attempts to contact me that they (the police) took it seriously and responded. They called him up and threatened to arrest him if he made any more attempts to talk to me, my friends and family.. and he finally stopped

 

and do not argue with him.. do not respond to him... he will try and say things both flattering and insulting and you may feel compelled to defend yourself or whatever, but aside from the clear request to leave you alone, say nothing more to him... he is not a reasonable person and therefore you cannot have a reasonable conversation with him...

 

good luck

[jen1447]

^ What AnnaGem said except I wouldn't change your number. Personally I won't make concessions like that to anybody (which itself shows strength), but also it's a good way to 'monitor' him. When you eventually stop getting calls/texts from him - which you will - then you'll know he's done instead of having to go on wondering.

[dignifiedgirl]

Of course no one here can diagnose the kind of man you're dealing with.

But what you're describing doesn''t sound like bi polar.

Look up men with Borderline Personality Disorders.

[dreamingoftigers]

Of course no one here can diagnose the kind of man you're dealing with.

But what you're describing doesn''t sound like bi polar.

Look up men with Borderline Personality Disorders.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s.

 

I have since attended therapy (EMDR and CBT/DBT) and was re-evaluated in 2011, and told that I no longer fit the BPD diagnosis.

 

This guy doesn't sound BPD to me. He sounds more obsessive than that. Bad news.

[BlametheIrish]

After talking to friends I sent him one last message telling him to leave me alone for good or I won't hesitate to get the police involved.

 

I'd never actually told him to leave me alone after our break up even though it was very apparent during the breakup that I wanted nothing to do with him after. I ignored most of his texts until my genius wrong number text idea came along smh.

 

Anyway I got called a whore (never cheated) a horrible person, among other much worse accusations, so much hostility from someone who I 7 months ago sat down with and had a pretty problem free break up.

 

It could be BPD, I was just thinking bi polar as being horrible with money, not being able to keep a job and hypersexuality were strong indications of bi polar. The irritaional side of me wants to let loose on this man, telling him how he re wrote our entire relationship after the breakup, and made me out to be the bad guy even though I did everything in my power to help him get his **** together.

 

But I know this man does not do logic as far as relationships are concerned. There would be no positive outcome to reason with his crazy. Still, the awful words he said hurt none the less, no matter how contrived his stories were. Sorry just venting a bit..

[BlametheIrish]

Thank you all for the suggestions, ideas and thoughts as to his mental state.

[jen1447]

But I know this man does not do logic as far as relationships are concerned. There would be no positive outcome to reason with his crazy. Still, the awful words he said hurt none the less, no matter how contrived his stories were. Sorry just venting a bit..

 

That's always a hard pill to swallow, but after a while when you realize his opinion doesn't mean anything to you it won't bother you so much.

[AnnaGem]

The words sting absolutely..

 

I got called the same terrible names and got all sorts of blame and passive aggressive behavior for "making" him act the way he was...

"if only you'd respect me and respond to me"...

"if only you'd return my gifts, I'd leave you alone"...

"if only you could control your PMS, you could be rational"

 

The guy was trying to push every single button possible.

 

Looking back at it, it's so obvious how unwell he was/is, but at the time, those comments hurt so bad... it was from someone I thought I cared about.. who I thought cared about me...

 

Ultimately, it's really not worth trying to rationalize his behavior or try to diagnose what could be wrong with him. It's simply not your role to help him. You're smarter and mentally stronger than him.. give yourself credit for making a wise decision, let yourself feel hurt and confide in your friends/vent here, but do not have any more conversations with the ex. He'll probably try again with a more "rational" or "I need more closure" approach, but don't buy it. He already showed you who he truly is and it's anything but rational.

[OXS550]

dunno what state your in, but for future reference go to your District Clerks office and file for an Emergency Protective order if the nature of his texts or calls seem to threaten you or cause you to fear for your safety.

 

Most cellular company will do a free number change if you say its from harassment. For just a general scare and to have him court ordered to back off, there is retraining orders and writ of injunctions (in Texas anyway). These are similar to EPO but are non criminal in nature. I say this due to my profession that usually the contact wont stop, especially if he isn't thinking straight.

[Chi townD]

Blah.... you said it yourself, he's a drama queen. He's just lashing out. But, if you're truly in fear, then get a R/O out on him.

[Downtown]

It could be BPD, I was just thinking bi polar as being horrible with money, not being able to keep a job and hypersexuality were strong indications of bi polar.

Blame, I agree with Dreaming that you are not describing a strong pattern of BPD traits. For one thing, you are describing a man who has not done any dating for many years. In contrast, BPDers absolutely HATE to be alone. Because they have a very weak self identity, they have a powerful need to be with a partner who can provide that missing identify.

 

This is not to say, however, that he cannot exhibit a few BPD traits at a strong level. Rather, I'm only saying that you are not describing a pattern of most BPD traits being exhibited at a strong and persistent level.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at the warning signs for Schizotypal PD. SPD usually co-occurs with major depressive disorder and generalized social phobia. And it can co-occur with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I mention this because you are describing a man whose behavior is odd and obsessive (as Dreaming observed) -- and who apparently suffers from depression and is very awkward in social situations.

 

I caution that, despite its name, SPD is not regarded as a sub-element of schizophrenia -- but some SPD sufferers do go on to develop schizophrenia. Most of them, however, do not. I also caution that, if your exBF does exhibit strong traits of SPD, you almost certainly would have seen strong traits of one or two other disorders as well. Although these behavioral traits are called "disorders," they are not diseases. Rather, they are only groups of behaviors that tend to be seen occurring together, thus forming a recognizable pattern.

 

Because the psychiatric community created too many of these behavioral categories, the result is that about 80% of those exhibiting one PD will also exhibit strong traits of another one (or another two) as well -- and, in addition, likely will exhibit one or two "clinical disorders" (e.g., depression, anxiety, or OCD) as well. I mention this so you do not expect any one PD or clinical disorder to fully account for all of the dysfunctional behaviors you observed.