Gigi2015 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I may differ from others on this thread. I think he's bullying you with fear in regard to the children. Few men would want that kind of responsibility...let alone an OW....how many kids again? Don't believe the hype. It's meant to frighten you into a corner. 2
Author Hannah100 Posted February 24, 2016 Author Posted February 24, 2016 Hi Many thanks for the advice and words of support. Apologies, I live in the UK and am male. Taking the advice, I’ve spent the day with a couple of different lawyers to get a better picture. Although very informative they sympathetically didn’t paint a bright picture in the form of custody and finances. Essentially they told me the court concentrate on the wellbeing of the children, rather than on apportioning points/blame etc, and more so my(our) current circumstances are likely to dictate that the children will stay in the family home, with the primary carer. Me having to move out at some point. The examples why given as, Current home is on the door step of the schools, I am the principle bread in a high paid and skilled job, working 7am to 6pm. My wife is available all the time, as not working. (sorry to say she is not a house proud stay at home mum) I am currently discussing with company HR more flexibility at work to reduce these hours on certain days with a view to being a single parent as I would want the maximum time with my children (in a perfect world 50/50). But under the current circumstances its likely to be at best 2 weekends and a few days, plus obligatory weeks summer holiday. As a devoted family man I feel that falls way short. In regards to finances, due to such circumstances I’ll always have the lions share of payments, (and I don’t shirk away from any of my responsibilities), but it looks as it could be detrimental to my own “single” parent life style. Again not being able to afford a property suitable and convenient for my children to live in. I asked about “financial” planning but as standard the court can be instructed to check finances to see if any “syphoning” has gone on. This is dealt with severely. As for anything intimate, the other guy is a stay at home husband so they’ve the 6 hours to scratch their itches while respective kids are at school and we are working! Frustratingly, the more I read the notes I made today and the above I’m dammed if stay and but seem more dammed if I go! It maybe sounds ridiculous, but I can’t help thinking I would rather carry on living this with her, with 24/7 access to my children, then be single and only see them a few days a month. Even knowing SHE could call quits at any time and I’d be in this position anyway. Again any thoughts insights and advice would be welcome. It's what I need right now Many thanks H100
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Is it feasible to buy a 2 family home so that you would be living separately...apart? Could you divorce and carry on with your life with your present wife living under your nose? Or perhaps a home very close by? I admit...I really do not know much about divorce other than helping my daughter through hers....and paying for it of course. I am just thinking out loud....hope it can stir some possibilities.
BlueIris Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Frustratingly, the more I read the notes I made today and the above I’m dammed if stay and but seem more dammed if I go! It maybe sounds ridiculous, but I can’t help thinking I would rather carry on living this with her, with 24/7 access to my children, then be single and only see them a few days a month. Even knowing SHE could call quits at any time and I’d be in this position anyway. Again any thoughts insights and advice would be welcome. It's what I need right now Many thanks H100 You're not alone and I don't think it's ridiculous at all. Many parents make that decision, deciding that it is in their children's best interests to have regular contact and supervision from them and not to be alone with a reckless, negligent or abusive parent. You see it a lot in parents with addict or abusive partners. It shows that you are dedicated to the well-being of your children. 1
ontar Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Taking the advice, I’ve spent the day with a couple of different lawyers to get a better picture. Although very informative they sympathetically didn’t paint a bright picture in the form of custody and finances. Essentially they told me the court concentrate on the wellbeing of the children, rather than on apportioning points/blame etc, and more so my(our) current circumstances are likely to dictate that the children will stay in the family home, with the primary carer. Me having to move out at some point. That's typical. The hardworking father/husband gets the boot and is lucky to see his kids for overnights every other weekend and once per week, while most of his income goes for child support and maintenance.
sandylee1 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 My heart goes out to you for this. I'm sorry to say your wife is one cruel heartless so and so. It's a good idea to reduce your working hours or have more flexibility. Many people in your position start up a plan and take on a lot of the childcare where possible .... that builds up a solid picture of you doing stuff with the kids as well. Start doing activities of just you and the kids at times. You say it's Daddy and kids time... you get photos of your days out and as much evidence of you being there. Try and do some school pick ups .... get more involved wity the kids .. their schedule and other stuff. If you can work from home on some days.. do that. The idea is to show you are as much involved with your children as she is. I know working full time that's difficult ... but that will give you a great advantage when it comes to custody. You need to encourage your wife to work. If the kids are in school she can get a part time job at least. You only have breakfast and after school club to pay for. The flexible working regulations (UK) entitle you to request this and your employer must have a legitimate reason to deny your request backed up with evidence. However... I advice you to put your request in writing.... you need to state how your proposal will not impact on service delivery and most of all... you're doing it as a parent of children or a child under 16. You could propose to do compressed hours ....like a 4 day week or 9 day fortnight. There are 7/8 reasons in employment law that an employer would have to give and they need to be evidenced. Start helping with homework and read with the kids .....let it be your signature in the reading record as well. If I got divorced.. hardly up to 5 times in the time my kids were in primary would my H's signature have been there. I did all the homework supervision .... I'd have got full custody no question. You need to make your mark to get joint custody. Let yourself be known at school as their dad. If you could PM ...I'd give more advice on this and how to word your request.. that it won't be denied. But... you really need to do something to blow up this affair ...... directly or indirectly she needs to face consequences. Cut or reduce finances... even if she wanted a divorce in the UK .you'd have to consent .....otherwise it could take 5 years without your consent if she files. That's a fair amount of time to make things difficult for her. You can divorce quicker if adultery or unreasonable behaviour is evident.. but she's not going to admit to adultery in a divorce is she. When I think of people reconciling ... not with a spouse like this who blackmails you when they are wrong. I can't comprehend such nastiness. If you have a trusted relative to save money with ....... I'd consider that too. 1
strugglinghubby Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 She's playing you right now, she absolutely knows what your fears are and is playing you off on them. Best approach I think is to move forward and face them head on. You need to show her that actually you're not afraid of those outcomes (even if you might be). I'm from Aus and as you probably know we have a very similar legal system. The current thinking with regard to what is the best outcome for the children with regard to care arrangements is actually dual custody, she will probably get majority but you should be able to argue in court for a couple of nights a week unless there are safety concerns for the children. Also have you made her affair public yet? Have you outed the OM to his partner? That is the first thing you should be doing, do it straight away if you haven't already. 1
preraph Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) Courts will always award joint custody as long as one of the parents isn't an addict or violent or something. What you need to to do stop worrying is hire a family law attorney. Do NOT fail to hire an attorney or you will get shut out. Plenty of moms work and raise kids too. Embrace and in fact insist upon the idea of joint custody. It will allow you to have a couple of nights off to collect your wits. Get an attorney now! Look, judges award joint custody all the time to men who never do hands-on care for the children. The goal is always for the kids to see both parents as long as one isn't a train wreck. You help with the kids every minute you're home, I'm sure. And most states, cheating doesn't figure into alimony or child support. Basically men made the laws. But it's an okay reason to divorce. Be very careful what you text or email to people because all of that can be gotten by his attorney. Don't badmouth him to the kids. Judges hate that. Don't coach them or quiz them. Don't bring any men over while you're in the middle of divorce and even after, be very selective so no one can accuse you of endangering the kids by bringing strangers around. Yes, I know it's unfair since most men jump right on to the next woman so they can get a free baby sitter and sex. But that's the things that can really mess you up. And if you're drinking or drugging, stop it. Your husband's attorney will try to use baby blackmail to get as much as he can out of you. They know it would kill a mother to lose her kids and will try to intimidate her into giving in on a bunch of stuff. That's why you must have your own attorney. It's standard that they do that. Even men who don't want joint custody, the first whiff they get that their ex is seeing men again, will threaten to try to get custody. Don't worry about it. It's just a tactic, but you must have a lawyer. Edited February 29, 2016 by preraph 2
puzzleddad67 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 My wife cheated and we divorced. I was a number and nothing more to the courts. Property divisions and money are all formulas in most areas. My ex had the sense to not spend 20K fighting over 10K in assets. We came up with a division. It was reviewed for fairness and rubber stamped. We never even went to the final hearing. Unless something is huge like a drug habit. In most places, expect the same. Reread Preraph above. 1
stillafool Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 That's typical. The hardworking father/husband gets the boot and is lucky to see his kids for overnights every other weekend and once per week, while most of his income goes for child support and maintenance. This is why more and more people are not having children.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 That's typical. The hardworking father/husband gets the boot and is lucky to see his kids for overnights every other weekend and once per week, while most of his income goes for child support and maintenance. When married, most of the bread winner's income goes for child support and maintenance. Neither children nor their needs magically disappear once the decree is signed... Mr. Lucky
turnera Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 It is possible that you will have to leave the home. What's not likely is that she can keep you from having your kids. THAT is where you need to focus the fight - amount of custody. And that is only if you do end up divorcing. But can you really see yourself just biting your tongue and watching your wife flaunt her affair in your face? Call her parents and tell them what she's doing and what she has threatened. 1
Robert Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 (edited) Closing this one up as the OP hasn't been around in 4 days. If they return and would like more feedback, they can use the 'Alert Us' button on this post and we will open it back up. Thanks, ~6 From William - thread reopened by starter request. Edited March 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Thread reopened
Author Hannah100 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Posted March 2, 2016 Thanks again to all the above it is making such a difference to me. Apologies for not replying sooner but being busy “lining up those ducks” Family time Thanks for this Sandylee1, Within my current hours I’m a very hands on father, whether its homework, fun or school activities etc, People have commented and my facebook is testament . I take your point and hear what you say, makes perfect sense now. Sounds stupid but I guess as the main bread winner I’ve always had to work dam hard to ensure the best for them. I’ve met with HR and home working and various flexi hours look available. Finances As I was in a loving relationship I’ve been trusting here I suppose. My biggest concern is not having enough at the end of the month to live a reasonable life with my children. Also I guess is what to do with finances now, so a court won’t think I’m being unreasonable. My wife has her own account that our benefits go into. She has refused to have this go into the joint account. Can I get this changed in some way? To compensate I’ve just started a household budget spread sheet accounting for ALL income and outgoings so at least I hope to see where the benefits may go? Not sure how this will go. I’ve just set up my own account recently which is now available when needed. As part of this I agreed with my bank to direct debit set up from it to ensure bills are still paid in time when I make the final decision. Hopefully this shows I’m not being not unreasonable and I’m not about to shirk any responsibilities. Getting her to work! She knows she is better off not doing this, even though its detrimental to the family i.e. she is always ”we can’t afford to do this & that” etc. I’ve told her the kids are picking up on this but she does not listen. Even before our problems I’ve tried talking and encouraging but nothing. I think she has a real problem with how people think of her and asking ANYONE for help. God knows I’ve tried but she continues to refuse. Separation/divorce, After being told we’d try again if it was kept under wraps, I wanted this, but clearly she is not at all serious. Now it’s just this case that I’m scared of the unknown and the bleak picture the lawyers gave. Despite feeling lonely and humiliated It’s not something I want to rush into as there is no turning back. I know I should expose the affair but can’t see of a way this that won’t speed up separation. It is just such a huge leap of faith with everything at stake. Advice/thoughts welcome,
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 All I can advise you is listen to your lawyer & get some therapy. This will get worse before it gets better & if you try to use your lawyer as your therapist the cost of your divorce will skyrocket & you will not get the best emotional support because that is not how lawyer's roll. A good friend of my who is a divorce attorney said that people have to recognize that a divorce is never a 50/50 split. Instead: you get 1/3 of your assets; she gets 1/3 and the 2 lawyers split the other 1/3. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Despite feeling lonely and humiliated It’s not something I want to rush into as there is no turning back. Consulting a lawyer and initiating separation doesn't mandate an eventual divorce. What it means is that the current situation is untenable. You can address her affair now or continue to be "lonely and humiliated" and address it later. Either way, you'll have to deal with it at some point... Mr. Lucky
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Consulting a lawyer and initiating separation doesn't mandate an eventual divorce. What it means is that the current situation is untenable. You can address her affair now or continue to be "lonely and humiliated" and address it later. Either way, you'll have to deal with it at some point... Mr. Lucky Absolutely correct. Even if a divorce is final people can and do remarry... So never think you have no other options or choices. The worst thing you can do is nothing .... 1
BlueIris Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 All I can advise you is listen to your lawyer & get some therapy. This will get worse before it gets better & if you try to use your lawyer as your therapist the cost of your divorce will skyrocket & you will not get the best emotional support because that is not how lawyer's roll. A good friend of my who is a divorce attorney said that people have to recognize that a divorce is never a 50/50 split. Instead: you get 1/3 of your assets; she gets 1/3 and the 2 lawyers split the other 1/3. I agree with this. Consider Collaborative Law or Collaborative Process. Look into it, OP. It's private, contract-based, and practical- and often financially wise. People who are inherently combative really can't do it, but you sure don't seem to be. If you decide you like it and bring it up to her, maybe she'll see some wisdom in it too.
ribeto Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 A good friend of my who is a divorce attorney said that people have to recognize that a divorce is never a 50/50 split. Instead: you get 1/3 of your assets; she gets 1/3 and the 2 lawyers split the other 1/3. That's a good way of looking at it and it may discourage some people from getting into a high conflict litigated divorce but the numbers are rather general and vague. My divorce was high income, high asset, and the attorneys fees were about $250k combined on about 2 million dollars worth of assets so the attorneys got maybe 10%. In some cases the attorneys get almost EVERYTHING including the proceeds of the home that must be sold to pay expenses. In other cases there's nothing to split up because they've got no accumulated assets, they live in an apartment living check to check. Sad, but welcome to this great country where poverty is common.
Author Hannah100 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Thanks everyone for your advice and comments, it has been very helpful. I have seen the lawyers and taken further advice. There is a long, hard road ahead, but at least I know I will not be forced to leave my home until I am ready, I just hope I can end up with 2/3 nights per week with my children staying over. This thread can be closed.
sandylee1 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Thanks everyone for your advice and comments, it has been very helpful. I have seen the lawyers and taken further advice. There is a long, hard road ahead, but at least I know I will not be forced to leave my home until I am ready, I just hope I can end up with 2/3 nights per week with my children staying over. This thread can be closed. I'm glad you've got some advice. If you can come back and update us when you can. I do wish you well. 1
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