Corduroy Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I'm currently talking to a girl who is 20 years old & I'm 29. We both like each other and everything but was wondering if that is too much of an age difference. She was just a teenager and I'm going on 30!
PegNosePete Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Personally I would not date that young. You are likely at very different life stages. You're probably looking to settle down or at least find an LTR soon, whereas she's just finished school and is looking to find her place in the world, maybe travel, move out of home, explore options, etc. I would say the relationship is very likely to fail. Not because of the 9 year difference (my parents are 20 years apart) but because of her youth. 2
Zippy2000 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Is a nine year age difference too much? Not really.....try 15! Thats me. lol 1
smudge21 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Everybody's different. You don't really know whether it will work out until it does, or doesn't. The people who say that age gaps affect a relationship often fail to remember how many failed relationships there are for people who's ages are closer. It just happens, and age doesn't have to be the factor. If you share things in common, get along, love each other and want to be together, then the amount of time you've been alive shouldn't affect that. What other people say should never be the concern, it's whether you both want to and are happy with it. Only two people matter in this situation, not society and it's viewpoints. 1
mikeylo Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Maturity doesnt come with age. Many 50 year old men are still boys ! and their spouses are much younger but more mature.It works for them only when they accept this.If the guy keeps bringing up that he is older and is therefore 'right' or knows better, then its not going to work. You have to see mental maturity age. 2
elaine567 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 PegNose Pete is correct it is about life stages and the people involved, not necessarily age per se. 20 y old fresh from college wants to see the world, go traveling, wants to experience life, wants a good career and is ambitious will want to settle down and have kids in her early thirties, by that time YOU are 40+. But it is unlikely she will stick around that long, she has a life to live. YOU may manage to clip her wings and persuade her to settle down or have kids at about 23 by marrying her, but at 26 she is going to go. Is this all there is? What happened to my dreams? She will either stick with it and most likely resent you, or go off to find pastures new and follow her dreams, leaving you in a mess. BUT a 20 yo girl who always wanted to be a SAHM, comes from a family where you get married early and have your kids in your early twenties and has no real career ambitions may be perfectly happy to accept a LTR and the family life you offer in the next few years. 3
Cherryz Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Exactly she is kind of 18 and you are kind of 30! I mean mentality wise. And some kind of maturity do come with age!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own growth. What you did or liked when you was 20 you not into at your 28! Even thou its not illegal , it is a big difference in age. And that often can bring alot of issues with it. And not last long and in a healthy way. Because beside own personality and needs, both age have their own interest. And one can stand in the others way to enjoy their age in a relaxed way. 2
jesseambers86 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I'm currently talking to a girl who is 20 years old & I'm 29. We both like each other and everything but was wondering if that is too much of an age difference. She was just a teenager and I'm going on 30! I'd say you may have some 'compatibility issues' because of some difference in natural maturity, but if you're ready to deal with that, it can work just fine. After all, if you don't try, you'll never know.
No_Go Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Oh come on, clip her wings I took the path of focusing on career only in my 20s and I'm not sure it was wise. A woman who did her PhD with me was married at 20, had her kids at 21 and 22, and now in her 30s is professor with grown up kids. Me - still struggling with dating and establishing relationships, at similar age. If I have kids, they'll come in my 30s and seriously impede my career, much more than if I had them in college. But anyway, 20/29 is not a big difference, at all. Men tend to lag in development a few years, so it is good that he's beyond his testosterone peak. She on the other side is in the peak of her attractiveness and fertility, they won't have to rush to reproduce like if she was 29 like him. The only issue that I see is she's probably not yet established financially, but again, they have no rush, its just dating. PegNose Pete is correct it is about life stages and the people involved, not necessarily age per se. 20 y old fresh from college wants to see the world, go traveling, wants to experience life, wants a good career and is ambitious will want to settle down and have kids in her early thirties, by that time YOU are 40+. But it is unlikely she will stick around that long, she has a life to live. YOU may manage to clip her wings and persuade her to settle down or have kids at about 23 by marrying her, but at 26 she is going to go. Is this all there is? What happened to my dreams? She will either stick with it and most likely resent you, or go off to find pastures new and follow her dreams, leaving you in a mess. BUT a 20 yo girl who always wanted to be a SAHM, comes from a family where you get married early and have your kids in your early twenties and has no real career ambitions may be perfectly happy to accept a LTR and the family life you offer in the next few years.
No_Go Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 In the same (lack of) logic she is kind of 22, and he is kind of 28, ha! Cherry, did you really change interests that much between 20 and 28? I don't think I did. Personality/priorities change a bit, yes. Largely because at 28 the bio-clock start showing its ugly head, and you're supposed to be well-established financially already. But hobbies, interests - the same. Exactly she is kind of 18 and you are kind of 30! I mean mentality wise. And some kind of maturity do come with age!!!!!!!!!!!! Look at your own growth. What you did or liked when you was 20 you not into at your 28! Even thou its not illegal , it is a big difference in age. And that often can bring alot of issues with it. And not last long and in a healthy way. Because beside own personality and needs, both age have their own interest. And one can stand in the others way to enjoy their age in a relaxed way.
Author Corduroy Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 I wouldn't say I'm ready to settle down just yet. My ex was older than me and wanted to get married and have kids, but broke it off because I wasn't ready. With this new girl she says she just wants someone to travel with, go to concerts etc. That's cool with me, just don't want to be a sugar daddy.
PegNosePete Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 With this new girl she says she just wants someone to travel with, go to concerts etc. That's cool with me Thats cool then, go have fun. just don't want to be a sugar daddy. Then don't. If she has a job/income to pay her own way, no probs.
bu2002 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 It's not about the actual ages but rather if the ages represent a difference in terms of what stage in life each of you are at. 20 and 29 is 9 years, but so is 25 and 34. But both differences could mean very different things. In the 20/29 comparison. the man could be established in his career and settled in a city. The 20 year old could be a sophomore in college still deciding what she's going to major in, with no perspective yet on what plans are post college and what city he/she wants to live in. Those are two people at different stages in their life IMO. In the 25/34 comparison, you could have two working adults, both happy in the city they're living in, and able to both sufficiently support themselves. Both may have no more schooling they'd like to complete and are truly ready to settle down and start a family. While there's a 9 year age difference, it represents a much more similar lifestyle. 4
Michelle ma Belle Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Everybody's different. You don't really know whether it will work out until it does, or doesn't. The people who say that age gaps affect a relationship often fail to remember how many failed relationships there are for people who's ages are closer. It just happens, and age doesn't have to be the factor. If you share things in common, get along, love each other and want to be together, then the amount of time you've been alive shouldn't affect that. What other people say should never be the concern, it's whether you both want to and are happy with it. Only two people matter in this situation, not society and it's viewpoints. Agreed. Mental maturity is just as important. I've said this countless times on here already; I've dated a wide range of ages and just because someone is older doesn't guarantee they will be a better/suitable partner especially if they're still behaving like a spoiled child. If neither of you are looking to get married or settle down any time soon and you enjoy each other's company...ENJOY! 2
Author Corduroy Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 It's not about the actual ages but rather if the ages represent a difference in terms of what stage in life each of you are at. 20 and 29 is 9 years, but so is 25 and 34. But both differences could mean very different things. In the 20/29 comparison. the man could be established in his career and settled in a city. The 20 year old could be a sophomore in college still deciding what she's going to major in, with no perspective yet on what plans are post college and what city he/she wants to live in. Those are two people at different stages in their life IMO. In the 25/34 comparison, you could have two working adults, both happy in the city they're living in, and able to both sufficiently support themselves. Both may have no more schooling they'd like to complete and are truly ready to settle down and start a family. While there's a 9 year age difference, it represents a much more similar lifestyle. Yeah I get it. I'm 29, I have a job but I wouldn't say I'm established with my career. I was even considering going back to school. The girl is still in college. Maybe, this is good, we're at a level where we could both grow together. Yeah I would like to get married & have kids, but I'm in no rush.
Author Corduroy Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Agreed. Mental maturity is just as important. I've said this countless times on here already; I've dated a wide range of ages and just because someone is older doesn't guarantee they will be a better/suitable partner especially if they're still behaving like a spoiled child. If neither of you are looking to get married or settle down any time soon and you enjoy each other's company...ENJOY! I admit, at 29 I can be immature but what can I do it's my personality. My ex even told me I should be with a teenager. I haven't been in many relationships & the ones I have been in where with older women, with kids or wanting to have kids & settle down. I think its time to just have fun, enjoy being "young" while I still can. 1
scooby-philly Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I agree with those who are providing positive, but cautious advice. No, there's nothing to stop you from this working out long term. As a few people said, people with wider age gaps are successful in maintaining a loving, long-term relationship. But....the caution comes from the fact that she's still relatively young. I think once a person hits a certain age, the age difference matters less. However, someone did also point out rightly that not everyone is the same. I've always been a do what I love, don't follow the crowd, but be a good guy kind of person. hasn't always helped me as I assume people are nice like me, but it has been fun! I say that because most people would assume that at her age, yes, she's still trying to figure things out, she may want to work hard at a career for a few years, may want to travel or party a lot, go to grad school, move around, and may want to not feel tied down. But that's not necessarily true for her. I think the important thing is for you to get her to open up about what she wants, how she feels, and what she envisions her life being like. I'm 34. Will be 35 this summer. Spent 6+ years in religious life and then came out during the recession. Lost money - paying for a wedding to a fiancee that didn't happen and helping last ex gf running a side business. So, while I'm mature and experienced and know what I want and how I want to live, I'm not as financially sound as I could be at this point in my life. However, we all have lessons to learn. both of my long term exes were older than me. the first (ex-fiancee) was 2 years older than me. the last ex gf was 5 years older than me. And boy, the older one was less mature, more self-centered, and less stable then the other and didn't have the same goals/lifestyle as me. Keep us posted - I think if you guys talk about what you want your lives to be like - that's the best first step.
carhill Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 OP, take the dates on your driver's licenses out of it. Do you get on well? Fit together when out and about? Feel 'connected'? If you do, keep showing up. It'll work out as it does. You apparently have no schedule in mind for any particular interpersonal relationship goal so go with the flow and date who you feel like dating who feels similarly.
truth_seeker Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I'm currently talking to a girl who is 20 years old & I'm 29. We both like each other and everything but was wondering if that is too much of an age difference. She was just a teenager and I'm going on 30! If she were 25 and you were 34, that would work better. 20 to me is still too young. 1
jen1447 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Age differences are more significant the younger you are imo. 59 and 50 wouldn't mean much but 29 and 20 would. Reason being that IME ppl in their early 20s are really still children (or let's say largely child-like) mentally - they're still 'growing up' and lack the maturity that settles in around mid 20s. Of course this all varies by the individual but I do think there's an objective window where adulthood happens in ways that aren't determined or affected by life experiences so much, not unlike adolescence really. A teenager who had a rough childhood may have been around the block and know a thing or two but they're still a teenager, and likewise, early 20-somethings, no matter how savvy they think they are, still really haven't logged the life experience yet to be adults in every sense of the word. At 29 you have, which isn't to say you may be immature in some ways due to circumstances of your own, but at least you've crossed the threshold where you're equipped to be a grownup. 6
Cherryz Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 In the same (lack of) logic she is kind of 22, and he is kind of 28, ha! Cherry, did you really change interests that much between 20 and 28? I don't think I did. Personality/priorities change a bit, yes. Largely because at 28 the bio-clock start showing its ugly head, and you're supposed to be well-established financially already. But hobbies, interests - the same. In wont answer you in the same lack of logic yours. Because i can use my healthy brain and dont take topics personal because someone said something that i may be doing. lmao Beside if you still same as when you were 20 at your 30 that means you may be stocked up for 10 years and never improved yourself. And thats sad. No healthy normal person stay the same after 10 years. You make no sense. At 30's you are for shore more worry about money issues and how you spent your money. At 20s you are more free in that. And you think also less in having kids. Or the hurry to do so. GENERALLY! Even changes in your brain take place. And no one have hobby and interest same. Read what i said. Im not into repeat myself again.
truth_seeker Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Age differences are more significant the younger you are imo. 59 and 50 wouldn't mean much but 29 and 20 would. Reason being that IME ppl in their early 20s are really still children (or let's say largely child-like) mentally - they're still 'growing up' and lack the maturity that settles in around mid 20s. Of course this all varies by the individual but I do think there's an objective window where adulthood happens in ways that aren't determined or affected by life experiences so much, not unlike adolescence really. A teenager who had a rough childhood may have been around the block and know a thing or two but they're still a teenager, and likewise, early 20-somethings, no matter how savvy they think they are, still really haven't logged the life experience yet to be adults in every sense of the word. At 29 you have, which isn't to say you may be immature in some ways due to circumstances of your own, but at least you've crossed the threshold where you're equipped to be a grownup. Great post. Really sums up the age gap debate. 1
No_Go Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Lol 29-1/+1, 20-2/+2 give you four permutations, you and I explored one each. Makes sense now? Having the same priorities at 20 and 30 means that you have set your priorities by 20. At 20 I was thinking about: education, career, finances, health, interpersonal relationships and intrapersonal reflection. Yes it IS exactly the same at 31 sans the education (largely, still thinking of ways to educate more). The differences exist, but quantitative, not qualitative. Haha the only new concerns relate aging and kids is within this topic. I'm still amazed to see 20somethings not getting their priorities straightened. THIS is sad. Hobbies and interests: they really stayed the same I was into science, nature and medicine, and it is the same now at 31. How about you? What changed so drastically? In wont answer you in the same lack of logic yours. Because i can use my healthy brain and dont take topics personal because someone said something that i may be doing. lmao Beside if you still same as when you were 20 at your 30 that means you may be stocked up for 10 years and never improved yourself. And thats sad. No healthy normal person stay the same after 10 years. You make no sense. At 30's you are for shore more worry about money issues and how you spent your money. At 20s you are more free in that. And you think also less in having kids. Or the hurry to do so. GENERALLY! Even changes in your brain take place. And no one have hobby and interest same. Read what i said. Im not into repeat myself again.
ses Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I liked someone who was 6 years older but nothing panned out due to our compatibility issues, not due to our ages. Anecdotally, men who've been older (5-10+) and interested in me were previously married and/or had children. The gap in our life experiences are primarily the reason why I chose to date within my age range when I was ready to be serious with someone. I also look significantly young for my age which was also a factor. My stepmother and father are 6 years apart, but were in their 30's and 40's when they initially got together. Another friend's husband is 15 years older but she wanted to get married and start a family—an aspiration he also shared. Two other friends also married in their late teens to men 5-6 years older but they were settled in their goals and wanted to be SAHMs.
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