Should I tell my ex how I feel?

[lauren1534]

So I'm kind of in a dilemma, and I'm pretty sure it's self-created. I'm so sorry that this is long, feel free to skim, I just need some advice.

 

My ex and I were perfectly happy together until we started college 4 hours away from eachother. We tried an LDR, but it was just so difficult for both of us and we eventually broke up (amicably).

 

After a considerably long period of NC, we began to talk again, and it became clear that we were just as close as we were before we broke up. We're best friends again, and we talk way more than we did before we broke up (hours every day). The physical attraction is still evident, so we agreed on an exclusive yet not limiting FWB arrangement (incase one of us found somebody) where we'd be hooking up when we saw eachother. He said that we'd stop as soon as I ended up falling for him (if I did- too late) as he doesn't want me hurt, and he said that if he fell for me he probably wouldn't admit it.

 

But there's one problem- I'm very much in love with him. I've never felt this way about somebody, it's crazy. I've felt this way about him since the day we met- I'm so comfortable around him, and he means so much to me. He makes me feel beautiful, and he makes me feel loved. But that's beside the point, because I love him more than the way he makes me feel. Plenty of people could probably make me feel the same way, but it's so special because it's him.

 

Maybe I'm being foolish and creating more problems for myself, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm very happy with our current arrangement, and I don't want to mess anything up by confessing my feelings- I've already denied them, and it's pretty strange to all of the sudden admit it after denying it for so long. I feel like my feelings are being perpetuated as we act as if we're in a relationship (pet names, constant talking, mutual respect/caring, saying I love you frequently***, etc) minus the actual title. From my side, it's because I love him and hope that we'll get back together some day. But for him- what if he just views me as a very close girl friend who he treats similarly to an actual girlfriend? The line is very blurry between whether or not he has feelings, because based on his actions and how he treats me I can't help but think he does.. He's alluded to not having them, but he's never directly said it. Regardless, we both understand that we cannot be together right now.

 

 

I just don't want to ruin our friendship, I don't want to push him away, and I don't want him to think I'm losing my mind... I really don't know what to do. I could use some advice or guidance on whether or not I should talk to him about this or not, and if so, what should I even say? I don't want to break this off because a) I'm enjoying it, and b) if I did, I've basically been leading him on for a while and it's not fair. I'm not talking to him again just because I can't handle being single/lonely (I 100% can- I did so for about 3 years prior to him with no problem), I'm doing it because he's so important to me and I can't picture my life without him.

 

Help?

[The Poster]

Well, personally I think that you should tell him exactly how you feel. Losing the friendship would be collateral damage if he doesn't reciprocate, but what other choice do you have? Are you really ok with the current setup? What happens when you continue this and he meets someone and falls in love? You're going to be shattered.

 

You want more and you should express that to him. You seem smart enough to know the risk of that, but I think you need to be honest with him, and yourself. If it ends, then you have to do your best to move on and find someone who you can share all of these wonderful things with in a committed, genuine relationship.

 

I wish you all the best. Good luck!

[lauren1534]

Well, personally I think that you should tell him exactly how you feel. Losing the friendship would be collateral damage if he doesn't reciprocate, but what other choice do you have? Are you really ok with the current setup? What happens when you continue this and he meets someone and falls in love? You're going to be shattered.

 

You want more and you should express that to him. You seem smart enough to know the risk of that, but I think you need to be honest with him, and yourself. If it ends, then you have to do your best to move on and find someone who you can share all of these wonderful things with in a committed, genuine relationship.

 

I wish you all the best. Good luck!

 

You're so right about a lot of what you said. I definitely would be hurt if we continued on like this and watched him fall in love with someone else (even if I didn't make it obvious externally) so I think I'm just setting myself up for a disaster unless I talk to him about it honestly and see how he honestly feels about the whole thing. How he reacts will most likely be the ultimate ruling over whether or not he's worth it, as much as I'd like to believe that he is.

 

Thank you so much for your help!

[smudge21]

FWB never truly work as someone always gets hurt the moment the other finds true love elsewhere. The longer you let this continue, the more you're going to become too scared to change it. The fact remains you're afraid of him turning you down and leaving you for good. It's not the friendship you'll miss, it's him. You still love him and you've accepted the FWB deal as you think that's the only way you can be with him. It's like when dumpees accept being friends with the ex rather than lose them for good. It's not real and only leads to more pain in the future.

 

 

I'm going through a situation now where I have strong feelings for someone who sees me as only a close friend (there could be more, but she won't open up) and it kills me to think that I have to walk away. That moment of pain though will be better than the true heartache of the day she politely tells me she's fallen in love with someone else.

 

 

Be honest with yourself and with him. Yes it could go bad and you may lose him, but if he walks, then it was never going to be anyway.

[lauren1534]

FWB never truly work as someone always gets hurt the moment the other finds true love elsewhere. The longer you let this continue, the more you're going to become too scared to change it. The fact remains you're afraid of him turning you down and leaving you for good. It's not the friendship you'll miss, it's him. You still love him and you've accepted the FWB deal as you think that's the only way you can be with him. It's like when dumpees accept being friends with the ex rather than lose them for good. It's not real and only leads to more pain in the future.

 

 

I'm going through a situation now where I have strong feelings for someone who sees me as only a close friend (there could be more, but she won't open up) and it kills me to think that I have to walk away. That moment of pain though will be better than the true heartache of the day she politely tells me she's fallen in love with someone else.

 

 

Be honest with yourself and with him. Yes it could go bad and you may lose him, but if he walks, then it was never going to be anyway.

 

You're so right, I really needed to hear that. While FWB is fun and all, the main reason I agreed to it is because I love him. It's not fair to me, and not necessarily fair to him either as I've been dishonest about my feelings in order to try to keep him around (as close as possible). At least if I get hurt now by ending it, I'll know that it's something I did for my own good. I'm giving him the benefits of being in a relationship without the committment, so I guess I'm selling myself out here.

 

I'm definitely going to talk to him about it, and like you said, if he walks, it was never meant to work out anyway. Thank you so much!

[Toodaloo]

How long are you both at uni for?

 

Will you both be coming home after?

 

Personally I think you should keep in contact, concentrate on work, kick up your heals and see what happens when you have qualified.

 

FB/ FWB is never a good thing. Women usually agree in the hopes of more... then get hurt... nah do not go down that road.

 

The thing about being young is that we can get carried away and our hearts go to smush.

 

You may come home and end up with him you may meet someone and fall head over heals and move to Timbuktu with them...

 

Just keep friendly and see where it leads.

[lauren1534]

How long are you both at uni for?

 

Will you both be coming home after?

 

Personally I think you should keep in contact, concentrate on work, kick up your heals and see what happens when you have qualified.

 

FB/ FWB is never a good thing. Women usually agree in the hopes of more... then get hurt... nah do not go down that road.

 

The thing about being young is that we can get carried away and our hearts go to smush.

 

You may come home and end up with him you may meet someone and fall head over heals and move to Timbuktu with them...

 

Just keep friendly and see where it leads.

 

Yes, we'll both be coming home after and he actually suggested getting an apartment together near my school because he'll be out of college before I will, and we're both open to the idea of living together- weird, right?

 

But I think that's a really good idea, the FWB probably needs to go but I see no reason for our friendship to go as well.

[smudge21]

You're so right, I really needed to hear that. While FWB is fun and all, the main reason I agreed to it is because I love him. It's not fair to me, and not necessarily fair to him either as I've been dishonest about my feelings in order to try to keep him around (as close as possible). At least if I get hurt now by ending it, I'll know that it's something I did for my own good. I'm giving him the benefits of being in a relationship without the committment, so I guess I'm selling myself out here.

 

I'm definitely going to talk to him about it, and like you said, if he walks, it was never meant to work out anyway. Thank you so much!

 

That's often the case, we'll change ourselves and lower our own standards in order to accommodate and keep someone in our lives. We do all the work just for those moments when they're with us, but it's all fake. They're not really with us, wanting us; they're with the person we've become, the one we've become to suit them. Our desire to be with them has made us sell out to ourselves. We hide behind who we become and therefore hide our love for them. In many ways, we allow them to treat us that way - you could even say it's not their fault. They often tell us it's only FWB and we say fine, when in reality we're screaming no, I want more. The moment they meet someone new, someone who gets the love that we want so much, that's when the world comes crashing down (something I'm facing right now, all my own fault too).

 

 

I know full well how hard it can be to be honest to a loved one especially when you know there's a good chance it will mean it's over, but the alternative is to live a lie, right up until that point where they text you with "got a date tonight, so excited" and you just die inside.

[privategal]

It is crazy to even CONSIDER settling for no feelings, no falling for eachother sex.

Id be willing to bet deep down you hope the intimacy will make him want you back.

You need to tell him exactly what you told us and let the chips fall where they will. Its better to lose him again forever now then compromise yourself.

You are better than that.

This daily talking is false hope and it truly sounds like an addiction and your bith running to comfort but he isnt there in heart as you are.

You are the comfortable willing easy sex.

Dont you deserve better?

Copy paste this and give space and settle for NOTHING less than full honest 100% commitment or prepare to get crushed really HARD.

 

YOU SAY THIS:

I'm very much in love with him. I've never felt this way about somebody, it's crazy. I've felt this way about him since the day we met- I'm so comfortable around him, and he means so much to me. He makes me feel beautiful, and he makes me feel loved. But that's beside the point, because I love him more than the way he makes me feel. Plenty of people could probably make me feel the same way, but it's so special because it's him.

[privategal]

Ps. How do you feel beautiful when a guy tells you, I will have sex with you but the minute you fall for me its over. IF I even fall for you (meaning he is not in love with you at all now) I wouldnt even tell you.

So...not to be crude but hes literally telling you he is about to use you...your feelings are a waste of his time and mean nothing so your the equivalent of a the other girls he will stick it in and your willingly signing up for this and feeling beautiful?

Id really spend some time reflecting.

[]

Your ex at the very least deserves respect and not a meaningless roll in the sack.

Whats he giving you now?

Hours of "talking"?

Big deal.

Thats due to the promise of guarenteed sex.

If you respect yourself you can get that ffullfilment with a guy who will hold your hand, take you soup when your sick, be proud to call you his own, see your value and not even consider sloppy meaningless sex or looking for someone else. DONT DO IT.

Block his number, block him out.

This is degrading, open your eyes.

You havent moved on so you are settling for anything from him just to be part of his life still.

Edited February 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[lauren1534]

That's often the case, we'll change ourselves and lower our own standards in order to accommodate and keep someone in our lives. We do all the work just for those moments when they're with us, but it's all fake. They're not really with us, wanting us; they're with the person we've become, the one we've become to suit them. Our desire to be with them has made us sell out to ourselves. We hide behind who we become and therefore hide our love for them. In many ways, we allow them to treat us that way - you could even say it's not their fault. They often tell us it's only FWB and we say fine, when in reality we're screaming no, I want more. The moment they meet someone new, someone who gets the love that we want so much, that's when the world comes crashing down (something I'm facing right now, all my own fault too).

 

 

I know full well how hard it can be to be honest to a loved one especially when you know there's a good chance it will mean it's over, but the alternative is to live a lie, right up until that point where they text you with "got a date tonight, so excited" and you just die inside.

 

 

You're totally right. Even when FWB was put into consideration at the beginning, I knew that deep down I was agreeing because I loved him, not because I wanted a casual no strings attached fling to fill my own needs, and I guess that's why it would never work- for it to work, it would need to be solely for both our sexual pleasure but that's not what it's about (for me at least, and I'd like to say it's the same for him- I at least know that he cares for me very much as a friend). I can imagine that while I would probably respond calmly toward him, that text would probably break my heart so I'm guessing that it's best to avoid it before it happens, as much as I don't want to possibly chance losing him. But that's what'll show whether or not he's worth it (whether or not he chooses to leave).

 

Thank you again for your advice, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a similar situation I hope everything works out for you!

[lauren1534]

Ps. How do you feel beautiful when a guy tells you, I will have sex with you but the minute you fall for me its over. IF I even fall for you (meaning he is not in love with you at all now) I wouldnt even tell you.

So...not to be crude but hes literally telling you he is about to use you...your feelings are a waste of his time and mean nothing so your the equivalent of a the other girls he will stick it in and your willingly signing up for this and feeling beautiful?

Id really spend some time reflecting.

[]

Your ex at the very least deserves respect and not a meaningless roll in the sack.

Whats he giving you now?

Hours of "talking"?

Big deal.

Thats due to the promise of guarenteed sex.

If you respect yourself you can get that ffullfilment with a guy who will hold your hand, take you soup when your sick, be proud to call you his own, see your value and not even consider sloppy meaningless sex or looking for someone else. DONT DO IT.

Block his number, block him out.

This is degrading, open your eyes.

You havent moved on so you are settling for anything from him just to be part of his life still.

 

I do agree with what you're saying, but he started out as my best friend (before we dated) and he still is. I didn't really go into much detail about how he treats me in my original post, but what I've explained above (the interest in FWB) is really the only questionable thing I can think of. Otherwise, I wholeheartedly think that he's a great person- and that's without the rose colored glasses on. He's reiterated again and again that the reason we'd stop if feelings got involved (as if they weren't already- lol) is because he doesn't want to hurt me, and I trust that as genuine. I really don't think he means for this to be a degrading experience for me, because as far as he knows he thinks that I'm on the same page as him when it comes to not having romantic feelings for eachother as that's what I've told him. So, from his POV, he has no idea that I have underlying feelings, and that's what he'll find out once I speak to him about it. I have a feeling he'll feel guilty/upset about the fact that I sort of feel like he was trying to use me, but we'll see. Only time will tell how this will work out.

 

Thank you for your advice!

Edited February 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Toodaloo]

Lauren you are young.

 

You are both miles away from each other so right now no it isn't going to work.

 

So study, enjoy the life at uni.

 

As for moving in with him when you get back? Like I say don't make any plans just yet.

 

Life moves fast when you are young so just enjoy it.

 

Don't over think this. Just let it be.

[privategal]

I dont know Lauren...

First of all theres a BIG school of thought that dating cancels out a former friendship.

It doesnt really work like that, that you can shove that genie back in the bottle are pretend your platonic besties.

If years go by and your both way moved on and indifferent then maybe but gone is the friendship.

Friends openly discuss love lives, and dont see eachother naked nor have jealousy or a constant need to communicate. Its a space and boundary thing where you only support eachother and chemistry is not in play.

 

In your own way you are being dishonest and lying to him and yourself.

You are being naive that you can fake an unattached friendship under the guise its just cool.

Out of curiosity...have you read the nc guide at the top of the page?

Not saying you desire to go NC but it specifies you should NOT be communicating and answering an ex unless he/she is strongly saying I want you back and want to work it out.

He is using YOU to get over you.

Getting all the benefits of all day talk and upcoming sex with no commitment.

That isnt what you desire so your lying as he needs to know NOW so he can use your honesty to make an informed decision.

Id personally move on and have fun and date.

I have a STRONG feeling you are gonna get hurt.

Read other stories, second chances are history repeating itself. The same problems still exist so at best theres a honeymoon phase (your in it now in the false hope phase) and then your past issues creep up and back to the breakup.

Your in college, you should be with your friends, dating, being single and carefree.

Your tieing your thoughts and fun time being tied up on being stuck on an ex.

It wont kill you to let go and make some new friends and memories.

Life is waiting.

[lauren1534]

I dont know Lauren...

First of all theres a BIG school of thought that dating cancels out a former friendship.

It doesnt really work like that, that you can shove that genie back in the bottle are pretend your platonic besties.

If years go by and your both way moved on and indifferent then maybe but gone is the friendship.

Friends openly discuss love lives, and dont see eachother naked nor have jealousy or a constant need to communicate. Its a space and boundary thing where you only support eachother and chemistry is not in play.

 

In your own way you are being dishonest and lying to him and yourself.

You are being naive that you can fake an unattached friendship under the guise its just cool.

Out of curiosity...have you read the nc guide at the top of the page?

Not saying you desire to go NC but it specifies you should NOT be communicating and answering an ex unless he/she is strongly saying I want you back and want to work it out.

He is using YOU to get over you.

Getting all the benefits of all day talk and upcoming sex with no commitment.

That isnt what you desire so your lying as he needs to know NOW so he can use your honesty to make an informed decision.

Id personally move on and have fun and date.

I have a STRONG feeling you are gonna get hurt.

Read other stories, second chances are history repeating itself. The same problems still exist so at best theres a honeymoon phase (your in it now in the false hope phase) and then your past issues creep up and back to the breakup.

Your in college, you should be with your friends, dating, being single and carefree.

Your tieing your thoughts and fun time being tied up on being stuck on an ex.

It wont kill you to let go and make some new friends and memories.

Life is waiting.

 

I totally agree with the notion that in most cases, dating cancels out friendship, especially if the breakup isn't too cordial or even more so if it is due to fighting/incompatibility. Yet I can't help but think that it's a bit different in this case- we didn't want to break up, and we didn't do so because of incompatibile differences, this all has to do with the distance which in my opinion makes it a bit of a different case than your average post-breakup friendship. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

Moreover, I also agree that he's basically receiving all the niceties of dating minus the actual commitment, and this is something I'm bothered by and will mention when I speak to him to hear what he has to say about it. If he has no romantic feelings, then he will no longer be receiving those kind of benefits from me.

 

And yes, I did read the NC guide, and abided by it for about 6 months of my life. It was extremely difficult, and while I was otherwise pleased with my life at the time, I constantly felt like something was missing- him. This feeling subsided when we began to talk again. I originally attempted to fill the void with other guys, and I went on a lot of dates- none of which I was able to spark genuine interest for, and eventually decided that the best thing for me right now is to be single. I'm not in a rush.

 

By the way, I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes it's good to hear the truth with no embellishment.

Edited February 23, 2016 by lauren1534

[privategal]

Honestly Lauren...it's over.

You haven't moved on, he's elated that you reached out to him after 6 months.

This is a huge ego stroke.

He is not dumb, he knows you have feelings and he is using that to his advantage.

You were friendzoned.

The distance and problems still are there.

You couldnt find anyone else so you need an ego boost as your failed dating efforts were hurting your self esteem.

You cant be friends.

Google friends with an ex.

If he cared and had feelings, many of the things he said would NOT have been said.

You should move on now.

You are broken up.

[lauren1534]

Honestly Lauren...it's over.

You haven't moved on, he's elated that you reached out to him after 6 months.

This is a huge ego stroke.

He is not dumb, he knows you have feelings and he is using that to his advantage.

You were friendzoned.

The distance and problems still are there.

You couldnt find anyone else so you need an ego boost as your failed dating efforts were hurting your self esteem.

You cant be friends.

Google friends with an ex.

If he cared and had feelings, many of the things he said would NOT have been said.

You should move on now.

You are broken up.

 

I have to disagree with you here.. Not every guy [] does things in order to boost their own ego. I'm not trying to boost my ego by talking to him either, to be blunt I have a few other guys interested in me at the moment so if I just wanted an ego boost I'd be with them. But that's not why I still love him.

 

Thanks anyway!

Edited February 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[spriggan2]

From my experience any relationship short of a committed one when you are in love with the person is just too painful to deal with, especially if it ends with the likelihood that he finds someone else (although maybe there's something to be said about giving people time to warm to the idea of you). You keep wondering why oh why don't they want me as their GF/BF. You're totally insecure thinking this is the day they find that special someone and detach from me. You jump over every hurdle to make yourself more appealing in the hope to win them over. It's exhausting and really not worth it and they start losing respect for you (maybe I'm projecting).

 

I mean it's not like you're asking him to propose to you so there's no reason why he should be accepting your heart free of charge. You love him, you are invested in him, he needs to meet that level of commitment or it's time for you to drop out. The sooner the better. Either that or start seeing other people along with him. That might help you cool off a bit. Start opening your eyes to the other prospects who are interested in you.

Edited February 23, 2016 by spriggan2

[stillafool]

I have to disagree with you here.. Not every [] does things in order to boost their own ego. I'm not trying to boost my ego by talking to him either, to be blunt I have a few other guys interested in me at the moment so if I just wanted an ego boost I'd be with them. But that's not why I still love him.

 

Thanks anyway!

 

Then you really need to move on with one of them. This guy does not love you back and probably never will. It would be too painful for you to keep holding on to someone who is going to eventually be with someone else.

Edited February 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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