Guess refusing sex is good enough to weed out guys who are not serious about you?

February 23, 2016

Recently met a guy on a dating app and have been hitting it off via all the texting. We've only met twice and both times at a bar/club late Saturday night and I had a feeling he was only interested in sex. Things took a turn after the second date, though - we danced and grinded on each other and made out, while in the end he wanted to go home with me and I said no, politely. I wasn't trying to play games but the whole setup was just a bit too casual for my taste and I'm not so used to jumping into bed with a random guy I barely know, especially after all the heartbreaks I'd experienced in the past. I just get attached too easily while the guys can sleep with me and leave without any feelings involved. Plus, I'm sure these guys are getting a lot of sex through meeting girls on a dating app.

Good thing is he didn't push it or acted in any dramatic ways. He simply said he understands and it's okay. Couldn't tell if he wanted to see me again or not at the moment, except he casually said "well we should do this again."

After that Saturday I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again, since I mentioned that I couldn't do casual sex. He has definitely slowed down the communication a bit but surprisingly still reached out on a few nights the following week, engaging in a pretty good conversation with me. Still, perhaps he was just passing time and enjoying the attention.

He never asked me out for a third date and it's been a few days since we last chatted. Guess I should write this one off then? Amazing how not agreeing to sex can simply weed out the ones who are not truly interested in you.

I gotta give him credit though that since Day One he's a bit different than the stereotype I was expecting to meet online -- he actually asks good questions, we talk about things from our education background, work, family, friends, hobbies to various events throughout the week, etc. He even mentions that he cooks at home quite a bit, with some tricks that his mom taught him, which kind of surprised me.

February 23, 2016

He may be waiting on you to make the move after the rejection.

February 23, 2016

Personally, I'm a girl that likes having sex, not causally but often and pretty soon in a new relationship. For me, I've been fortunate that those encounters ended up in a one night stand where I'm doing the walk of shame in the morning, but I won't lie, I could've avoided a bit of heart break if I hadn't entered "casual" relationships with those guys (and by "casual" I mean monogamous but temporary). So if you want an actual relationship, then yeah, make them wait until they either break or stay. Remember your circumstances too because making them wait is case specific. In this case, it sounds like he just became uninterested honestly. I think you can look for someone that is actually excited to talk to you and be around you.

February 23, 2016

MrMeh may be on to something. I dont know about sex specifically, but when it comes to online dating it's just so fleeting that if I'm turned down once, meaning a text isn't returned in a reasonable time, a date is cancelled etc...I slow way down until the girl steps their interest back up, aka takes initiative, OR, they reassure me that their unavailability is not out of disinterest.

It's almost impossible to know if they're trying to detach or not because everything is so impersonal. Ghosting is prevalent. Can't make emotional investments on good faith that it will be met with considerarion. At least not in the beginning.

February 23, 2016

Personally, I'm a girl that likes having sex, not causally but often and pretty soon in a new relationship. For me, I've been fortunate that those encounters ended up in a one night stand where I'm doing the walk of shame in the morning, but I won't lie, I could've avoided a bit of heart break if I hadn't entered "casual" relationships with those guys (and by "casual" I mean monogamous but temporary). So if you want an actual relationship, then yeah, make them wait until they either break or stay. Remember your circumstances too because making them wait is case specific. In this case, it sounds like he just became uninterested honestly. I think you can look for someone that is actually excited to talk to you and be around you.

Yep I agree. While I couldn't tell if this one just lost interest or maybe he never wasn't interested in the first place until he realized, "oh this girl doesn't go for casual sex? Next!" My past experience tells me to sit back and let the guys show interest in the early stages and it's usually very easy to tell. Since we met on an app, he never even bothered to ask for my phone number, and the app has been our only platform for communication...

February 23, 2016

MrMeh may be on to something. I dont know about sex specifically, but when it comes to online dating it's just so fleeting that if I'm turned down once, meaning a text isn't returned in a reasonable time, a date is cancelled etc...I slow way down until the girl steps their interest back up, aka takes initiative, OR, they reassure me that their unavailability is not out of disinterest.

It's almost impossible to know if they're trying to detach or not because everything is so impersonal. Ghosting is prevalent. Can't make emotional investments on good faith that it will be met with considerarion. At least not in the beginning.

Very interesting perspective, although the advice I've gotten my entire life is to sit back and let him show interest by initiating more, or else you'd never know how they feel about you. It's also hard for me to trust that someone online would easily settle down, too. You get so many options online and if you don't get sex from one person, just move on to the next project. Isn't dating just exhausting sometimes? Haha.

Definitely agree with your second point. I'm treading carefully only because of previous bad experiences and that I get attached and invested too easily.

February 23, 2016

He may be waiting on you to make the move after the rejection.

Do guys really do that? I was under the impression that if you are really interested in someone, you'd definitely keep in touch and get the contact going. If you don't think something is worth it or it's going to take too much effort, that's when you step back and consider moving on.

February 23, 2016

What a shame.

I guess it wasn't meant to be.

February 23, 2016

Very interesting perspective, although the advice I've gotten my entire life is to sit back and let him show interest by initiating more, or else you'd never know how they feel about you. It's also hard for me to trust that someone online would easily settle down, too. You get so many options online and if you don't get sex from one person, just move on to the next project. Isn't dating just exhausting sometimes? Haha.

Definitely agree with your second point. I'm treading carefully only because of previous bad experiences and that I get attached and invested too easily.

I'm just saying that initial refusals in the online dating world carry more weight than in the real world with me as a guy. I dont apply the same level of pursuit that I ordinarily would if I get turned down. You have to factor that into your philosophy of sitting back and waiting for interest. It's not as effective or useful with OLD in the early stages.

That being said, Im not in it for sex. I dont believe I would slow down if a girl said no to sex after just a couple dates. So maybe your hunch is ultimately right. Its probably best you move on from him.

February 23, 2016

I'm always a bit perplexed when I come across threads like this one. On one hand I completely understand and support your decision to remove sex from the equation early on in the dating process. I think that's smart and something most girls who get emotionally invested after sex should be conscious of doing if they've had bad experiences in the past. Shows you're learning and being smart so kudos for that.

That being said, what I don't understand is when girls expect a guy who they've literally told (I'm not interested in a casual thing/sleeping with you) decide to bail so quickly, or give up, or put the future initiations/date offers solely in the guys hands and control.

What girls need to understand is that if you are going to slow play it and require a longer "getting to know you" phase before any kind of physical involvement, you also need to come to terms with and be ok with the fact that the guy is not required to follow the rules of YOUr playbook and have all his plans set around trying to woo you and get you to trust him and feel secure. You barely know each other so he's going to talk to other girls if someone interests him, might go on another couple dates, while still being interested in you and asking you out in a few days or a week later, etc.

You're dating to hopefully leads to a relationship, and won't sleep with a guy until you feel ready. That's totally fine and respectable. But not every guy is going to cut off all contact to other women and deliberately take his time knowing that it will be a process to win you over. Now, the right guy will do that. They're out there.. But sometimes the guy who does that, isn't the guy you want as a BF. So it's a double edged sword.

If you like the guy and you want to get to know him better then you need to take the initiative to re in force your interest after taking sex off the table. Lots of guys will take that as a girl saying "I'm not opposed to sex, I'm just not attracted to you enough to tell you it's gonna happen anytime soon tho". So for the guys you do like, send them a text or two and do a little initiating before you call it quits. If after doing that a couple times you still don't get a vibe of him being interested, then you can bail.

February 23, 2016

I'm always a bit perplexed when I come across threads like this one. On one hand I completely understand and support your decision to remove sex from the equation early on in the dating process. I think that's smart and something most girls who get emotionally invested after sex should be conscious of doing if they've had bad experiences in the past. Shows you're learning and being smart so kudos for that.

That being said, what I don't understand is when girls expect a guy who they've literally told (I'm not interested in a casual thing/sleeping with you) decide to bail so quickly, or give up, or put the future initiations/date offers solely in the guys hands and control.

What girls need to understand is that if you are going to slow play it and require a longer "getting to know you" phase before any kind of physical involvement, you also need to come to terms with and be ok with the fact that the guy is not required to follow the rules of YOUr playbook and have all his plans set around trying to woo you and get you to trust him and feel secure. You barely know each other so he's going to talk to other girls if someone interests him, might go on another couple dates, while still being interested in you and asking you out in a few days or a week later, etc.

You're dating to hopefully leads to a relationship, and won't sleep with a guy until you feel ready. That's totally fine and respectable. But not every guy is going to cut off all contact to other women and deliberately take his time knowing that it will be a process to win you over. Now, the right guy will do that. They're out there.. But sometimes the guy who does that, isn't the guy you want as a BF. So it's a double edged sword.

If you like the guy and you want to get to know him better then you need to take the initiative to re in force your interest after taking sex off the table. Lots of guys will take that as a girl saying "I'm not opposed to sex, I'm just not attracted to you enough to tell you it's gonna happen anytime soon tho". So for the guys you do like, send them a text or two and do a little initiating before you call it quits. If after doing that a couple times you still don't get a vibe of him being interested, then you can bail.

I disagree with this. I've never dated a guy who thought that way.

In OP's situation, I would not recommend contacting him. Both men and women know that many men are looking only for quick sex. If a man IS interested in building a relationship with her and respects her decision, he'll continue his regular communication style and frequency, ask for anther date and probably do so quickly to assure her of his serious intentions.

February 23, 2016

I'm always a bit perplexed when I come across threads like this one. On one hand I completely understand and support your decision to remove sex from the equation early on in the dating process. I think that's smart and something most girls who get emotionally invested after sex should be conscious of doing if they've had bad experiences in the past. Shows you're learning and being smart so kudos for that.

That being said, what I don't understand is when girls expect a guy who they've literally told (I'm not interested in a casual thing/sleeping with you) decide to bail so quickly, or give up, or put the future initiations/date offers solely in the guys hands and control.

What girls need to understand is that if you are going to slow play it and require a longer "getting to know you" phase before any kind of physical involvement, you also need to come to terms with and be ok with the fact that the guy is not required to follow the rules of YOUr playbook and have all his plans set around trying to woo you and get you to trust him and feel secure. You barely know each other so he's going to talk to other girls if someone interests him, might go on another couple dates, while still being interested in you and asking you out in a few days or a week later, etc.

You're dating to hopefully leads to a relationship, and won't sleep with a guy until you feel ready. That's totally fine and respectable. But not every guy is going to cut off all contact to other women and deliberately take his time knowing that it will be a process to win you over. Now, the right guy will do that. They're out there.. But sometimes the guy who does that, isn't the guy you want as a BF. So it's a double edged sword.

If you like the guy and you want to get to know him better then you need to take the initiative to re in force your interest after taking sex off the table. Lots of guys will take that as a girl saying "I'm not opposed to sex, I'm just not attracted to you enough to tell you it's gonna happen anytime soon tho". So for the guys you do like, send them a text or two and do a little initiating before you call it quits. If after doing that a couple times you still don't get a vibe of him being interested, then you can bail.

Agreed. I'm not opposed to taking things slower, but if we are going to do that, the woman needs to reciprocate interest in some other way. Can't expect me to continue to pursue so hard after two-three dates. This is OLD. How do I know you're not dating someone else that you're more interested in?

February 23, 2016

He probably doesn't want to look desperate. You rejected him but now it's time for you to show you are interested in him as a person. I think the ball is in your court.

February 23, 2016

I disagree with this. I've never dated a guy who thought that way.

In OP's situation, I would not recommend contacting him. Both men and women know that many men are looking only for quick sex. If a man IS interested in building a relationship with her and respects her decision, he'll continue his regular communication style and frequency, ask for anther date and probably do so quickly to assure her of his serious intentions.

How does he know she is interested in building a relationship is she doesn't reciprocate and puts in little to no effort? I'm a guy who thinks this way. I also multi-date. If I'm dating two women and both want to delay physical intimacy (which is perfectly fine), but one is putting in effort and the other is just sitting back and waiting, I'll pursue things with the one putting in effort.

February 23, 2016

I don’t see any of that in OP’s post. She doesn’t even seem upset or condemning to me. I read her post as saying that it’s a good sorting method. Which it is. No harm done. In my experience, which is not universal of course, men will ask you out if they're interested.

If someone thinks these are rules, or he’s being oppressed, or she’s not pursuing him enough, or he fears how he appears… he should go. That’s too much drama for just early fun dating. If he’s thinking any of those things, he’s not having fun anyway so I doubt he’d care if it ends.

February 23, 2016

Do guys really do that? I was under the impression that if you are really interested in someone, you'd definitely keep in touch and get the contact going. If you don't think something is worth it or it's going to take too much effort, that's when you step back and consider moving on.

When the ball is in her court you wait for her to come back to you. If she doesn't you just assume SHE isn't interested and move on. If she wants to play hard to get there are a bunch of girls ready to replace her. It's not about sex, it's about finding someone who is crazy about you. If a woman only kind of likes you, puts herself in a position to have sex with you, and then turns you down...ehh, next.

Most guys don't act this way...but the smart ones do.

At least you didn't go home with him, but If you really wanted to take things slow you shouldn't have danced and made out with him. If I grinded and made out with a girl all night and she didn't want to come home with me i'd be confused and definitely discouraged from going on another date with her.

This only applies for the first month or two...after that the guy should actually make an effort if he likes her enough.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Jame22

February 23, 2016

but If you really wanted to take things slow you shouldn't have danced and made out with him. If I grinded and made out with a girl all night and she didn't want to come home with me i'd be confused and definitely discouraged from going on another date with her.

Yeah the main thing that stood out to me was the grinding and then see ya. Id probably be thinking she just wanted a bit of gratification in the nightclub and wasn't really serious about me. It certainly would not make me think she wants a relationship with me.

February 23, 2016

I wasn't trying to play games but the whole setup was just a bit too casual for my taste and I'm not so used to jumping into bed with a random guy I barely know,

But yet...you'll grind and make-out with a man you barely know? Interesting.

February 23, 2016

When the ball is in her court you wait for her to come back to you. If she doesn't you just assume SHE isn't interested and move on. If she wants to play hard to get there are a bunch of girls ready to replace her. It's not about sex, it's about finding someone who is crazy about you. If a woman only kind of likes you, puts herself in a position to have sex with you, and then turns you down...ehh, next.

Most guys don't act this way...but the smart ones do.

At least you didn't go home with him, but If you really wanted to take things slow you shouldn't have danced and made out with him. If I grinded and made out with a girl all night and she didn't want to come home with me i'd be confused and definitely discouraged from going on another date with her.

This only applies for the first month or two...after that the guy should actually make an effort if he likes her enough.

She put herself in a position to have sex? How? So she probably had too much to drink and had some innocent fun - how does that make her ready to have sex? Since when does dancing and making out with a guy a sign she is ready for sex? I know what girls you are looking for and I bet they are not the one you would be willing to marry. Those are the ones who you marry, go out with their girlfriends, leave you home with the baby and end up in a motel because some dude came up to her, danced with her and kissed her.

I made out with my wife the first night we met until the sun came up the next morning. She made it clear she wasn't ready for sex. And this repeated until the 6th day. I was perfectly fine with this and respected her for that. I guess I'm not that smart.

Edited February 23, 2016 by SSJROMANCE

February 23, 2016

Amazing how not agreeing to sex can simply weed out the ones who are not truly interested in you.

No, it just weeds out guys whom consider sex important, including the ones who might really care about you.

Late night bar, making out and grinding on a dance floor is sending major sexual signals. Then you shut him down. That's teasing or game playing to many guys, and is a good way to ruin things, even with the genuine ones.

Even if I was really interested in that girl, I'd be moving on.

February 23, 2016

I'm just wondering about this. If a guy grinds against a woman on the dance floor does that mean she should expect him to have sex that night? Do people see that as an implicit contract of sorts, that goes both ways? If he doesn’t want to or decides to wait, should she not go out with him again? I'm just curious because when I was young, flirting, kissing and sexy dancing didn't necessarily lead to that conclusion ("we're going to have sex") at all. Even making out didn't automatically translate into having sex. I don't remember either my girlfriends or guy friends making that assumption, so I'm wondering if that has changed in this generation.

Edited February 23, 2016 by BlueIris
to clarify

February 23, 2016

She put herself in a position to have sex? How? So she probably had too much to drink and had some innocent fun - how does that make her ready to have sex? Since when does dancing and making out with a guy a sign she is ready for sex? I know what girls you are looking for and I bet they are not the one you would be willing to marry. Those are the ones who you marry, go out with their girlfriends, leave you home with the baby and end up in a motel because some dude came up to her, danced with her and kissed her.

I made out with my wife the first night we met until the sun came up the next morning. She made it clear she wasn't ready for sex. And this repeated until the 6th day. I was perfectly fine with this and respected her for that. I guess I'm not that smart.

Grinding and making out is about as close as you can get to having sex in public. If you're not ready for sex, you really shouldn't be grinding up on someone

6 days or 6 dates? 6 days is not long at all.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Jame22

February 23, 2016

If you want a gentleman, you act like a lady, simple as that. If they say things like "hang out" or take you to clubs and bars as a date, or plan a date very close to their place, talk about sexual things, then chances are they are only looking for sex. That is just a guideline, not a end all be all truth.

A guy that is usually serious will take you out for coffee, dinners, a movie, ice skating, bowling, meet his friends, bring you flowers, ask questions about your job, friends, family, likes and dislikes, they take the time to get to know you, etc.

Just keep your eyes wide open and you head out of the clouds. Don't over look the red flags, not one.

February 23, 2016

Grinding and making out is about as close as you can get to having sex in public. If you're not ready for sex, you really shouldn't be grinding up on someone

6 days or 6 dates? 6 days is not long at all.

Most grinding goes nowhere. I don't see where you'd draw that conclusion. Making out less so. When you see a girl grind with six guys at a nightclub, do you really think she slept with them all? If nothing else that would entail a lot of driving.

February 23, 2016

Most grinding goes nowhere. I don't see where you'd draw that conclusion. Making out less so. When you see a girl grind with six guys at a nightclub, do you really think she slept with them all? If nothing else that would entail a lot of driving.

Decent chance she'll have sex with one of them. Easy girls don't do that.

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Guess refusing sex is good enough to weed out guys who are not serious about you?

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