Riffmeister General Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'll try to keep this as brief as possible because it's a long story. I made a very drunk comment to a girl about her band t-shirt, with no intention of anything, and moments later, a tap on the shoulder and she's there, asking to be friends on FB. Fine, I said, thought no more of it. From that day on, the messaging from her was relentless. All day, every day. I played along - she seemed sweet and interesting, so why not, right? She then went to HK for Christmas, and if anything, it got more intense, (one morning I woke up to 85 unread messages from her, mostly photos of where she was and what she was doing). I realised then that she was after something, but didn't bring it up myself in case I was wrong. Just after new year, during a talk, I feigned being insulted, and she freaked out and told me she really liked me. I said I thought I might feel the same way, but we'd need to hang out before deciding anything. Two days later, she partially retracted the statement, saying she might not be ready for a relationship. Fine, we agreed, we'd still meet up, hang out for a bit and see where that went. She was going through exams at the time, so we agreed after Jan, she'd ask again about coming over. The messaging continued and Feb came, but no word on meeting up. We would both suggest things, and she'd seem really keen, but never commit to a date. We had a few more conversations about how we felt about one another, but ultimately always came to the same conclusion together - we hang out for a bit, and decide from there. She went out one night last week, called me when she was on the way, messaged me all though the night, all the usual stuff, until the messages got a bit... provocative, mentioning guys coming on to her. Given our 'history', I got a bit cross about that, particularly bearing in mind she was out at a bar I frequent, and it would have been so easy to meet up and hang out a bit there. It also brought back terrible memories of a previous relationship where the gf went out, everything seemed fine after, then it transpired a guy had come onto her and she left me for him a month later. It was the change in her behaviour after that night that caused me the most confusion. She messaged far less often, and went quiet for long periods. We did talk about it, and she said she was freaking out that I was getting too serious about things... ME?!... and getting paranoid about what she was doing. I did that night, but only because I was going through something else at the time that made me act a bit out of character, plus past experience). She was right, I did lose my mind a bit, but only based on things like suddenly not replying to my messages for hours, despite having been online, being evasive when I innocently asked what she was up to etc. This never happened before. Anyway, after several days of not a lot of contact, last night, we had the first conversation of the type we used to have for a week, where we discussed that she was freaking out that small changes in her behaviour would always cause such paranoid reactions in me if we started a relationship, where it came from etc, and I reassured her that I'm fine. She said she has slowed the messaging down to 'go and do other things', but I'm thinking the timing is strangely coincidental, perhaps. Then conversation got onto relationships and what kind we'd have, and again, MEETING UP FINALLY, but no date again. She admitted to being nervous about it in case it was really awkward or she looked terrible that day. It was a really positive conversation though, and I felt way better. Today - after a fairly normal conversation this morning - hardly heard a thing. I just don't know where I stand now or what to do. It's not WHAT she's doing, it's the sudden change in behaviour. Do I just chill out and believe it all? I have a terrible fear of being made to look an idiot by blindly believing everything she says after a previous relationship. All I want is for us to meet up and hang out, that's all, but it seems further away than ever. I guess the ultimate thing is, I am fully aware we aren't in a relationship, and have no right to be jealous, but given the two and a half months of 'history' that is impossible to articulate in a post, I feel I at least have SOME entitlement to ask what's going on, without being accused of being paranoid. This post isn't about how I think she's wrong in this - I'm after some perspective on it, I guess.
salparadise Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 This post isn't about how I think she's wrong in this - I'm after some perspective on it, I guess. Perspective... seriously, ok, she's a waste of your time and attention. Ask her for a date (not a hangout, specific time and place) and if she doesn't agree, go silent and find an actual girlfriend. You'd be better off sitting at home watching Snow White over and over than engaging in a fantasy like this. 2
Author Riffmeister General Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Perspective... seriously, ok, she's a waste of your time and attention. Ask her for a date (not a hangout, specific time and place) and if she doesn't agree, go silent and find an actual girlfriend. You'd be better off sitting at home watching Snow White over and over than engaging in a fantasy like this. Well, I asked for that! Certainly get caught up in a situation and can't see the wood for the trees... Might be the wake-up call I needed. 1
SoThatHappened Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 She's giving you a lot of red flags. Cut bait and run before you fall for her and it makes things so much harder on you. I dated a girl for 2 months who would call, email, text, and tell me over and over how lucky she was to have me in her life. Then, within hours, she tells me she wants to get back with her high school ex because she always wondered "what if?" After two months of that, she would do anything to get me back. Again, over-the-top "in love" with me for 7 months... until again, in a matter of hours, she was telling me she feelings for her coworker. Run, man. Advice from experience. I was given the same advice I'm giving you (by friends, her family, even her ex boyfriend), and I didn't listen.
amj1979 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 She's giving you a lot of red flags. Cut bait and run before you fall for her and it makes things so much harder on you. I dated a girl for 2 months who would call, email, text, and tell me over and over how lucky she was to have me in her life. Then, within hours, she tells me she wants to get back with her high school ex because she always wondered "what if?" After two months of that, she would do anything to get me back. Again, over-the-top "in love" with me for 7 months... until again, in a matter of hours, she was telling me she feelings for her coworker. Run, man. Advice from experience. I was given the same advice I'm giving you (by friends, her family, even her ex boyfriend), and I didn't listen. What SoThatHappened said! I literally just went through a dating situation where the girl did a hot/cold routine on me. It sucks to get toyed with like that, but think about your future with that person. If they have this aspect to their personality, it's not going anywhere and will probably get worse in a relationship. You will constantly be wondering what's going through her head.
salparadise Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Well, I asked for that! Certainly get caught up in a situation and can't see the wood for the trees... Might be the wake-up call I needed. Yea, she's playing you like a fiddle, you're getting nothing... unless you count messaging as something; most people do not. You've seen her only that one time and all of what you describe has taken place in text message, right? And this has gone on now for months, with much drama, yet she refuses to meet in person? I think you've landed a yo-yo- or she landed you. She's missing some synapses I think...but you're playing right into it. You need to be controlling the process, not letting her yank you around like this. A bit of common wisdom with respect to dating... don't invest in anyone who refuses to meet, and conduct your interactions in person. Only use texting once a day to say hello and to confirm plans. I think you should tell her that you're done texting. From now on it's in-person or not at all. But I also think that she'll continue texting other guys and this is going nowhere. She's just like the attention, interacts like an 13 year old.
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