When and how to introduce your kids to your new GF/BF

[spmh1017]

Basically I have an angry, hormonal teenage boy whos onely concern in life are video games and soccer. I'm pretty much the biggest pain in his ass right now and hanging out with me is the most "uncool" thing he could do. Even when it was me, him an his mother getting him to do or go anyplace with us was like pulling teeth. To top that off he has always been shy around new people.

I'm good enough for rides to soccer practice or to buy him things but god forbid he sees a movie or goes to dinner with me...

 

And this brings up why after 7 months he still has yet to meet my GF.

 

She comes over and he stays in his room, refuses to leave it and tells me to stop bothering him.

This has lead to when I ask my GF over her saying "I dont wanna come over and force your kid to stay in his room"

 

I ask him to go to a sporting event, he refuses...ask him to join us at dinner, he refuses.

Its not like I have a little kid to deal with, hes a BIG athletic 14 year old so I cant drag him anywhere.

Even worse is if I force him to do something he will just make a fool at of me and ruin the evening and perhaps scare my GF off who I admittedly love.

 

Now her family and friends are asking why she hasnt met him. People are acting like I'm keeping her from him.

One elderly family member in her family even said to her "Are you sure he doesnt have a handicapped child hes keeping from you? Maybe hes trying to tie you down and have you take care of the kid so hes hiding it!"

Seriously, WTF?

 

I have no idea how to merge my dating life and family life into one when the my son refuses to socialize with anyone besides his buddies and refuses to go out in public with me.

[GunslingerRoland]

You make it sound like you have no control over him. Lucky for you that he's just a moody teenager. What if he starts doing drugs or anything else?

 

 

I can just imagine your thread... my son sits in his room smoking crack all day, but oh well what can I do. I'm good enough to drive him to his crack dealer, but he doesn't listen to me....

 

 

This thread has nothing to do with your GF. He's 14, yet you let him be the boss. Unplug the wifi, the cable box, and whatever else you need to, too get his attention next time he wants to play this grumpy kid hiding in his room routine.

[BlueIris]

I pretty much agree with GunSlinger.

 

I passed on a few men whose parenting didn’t fit my family’s style- and their (consistently) arguing that their parenting and children shouldn’t matter only confirmed that we weren’t compatible.

 

It also sounds as though your son is having more than typical teen problems.

How long ago did your wife/his mom die?

Do you and he have meals together and do chores together?

[RRM321]

Your son is not the problem. The issues is something BETWEEN you and your son, which simply means that you are also a part of this problem.

 

Fix that relationship first and then you can expand it to include someone else.

[kgcolonel]

Your priorities should be solidly on your son....not on your GF....what do you expect your son to do, his family was split (any reason from his perspective isn't going to be valid). As the others have said...you need to focus on him, create some isolated time w/o wifi and any other distraction....make it mandatory that he participate.

 

There is no reason to introduce a GF or BF to one's children until marriage is a real probability. Continually parading SO's through the house create a "people are disposable" atmosphere and project an unstable environment to the children. If you choose to date while raising your kid, do it when they are not at home....I realize this could be met with a lot of disagreement but remember, your kid did not get a vote on the split of his family.

[Miss Peach]

Your son is not the problem. The issues is something BETWEEN you and your son, which simply means that you are also a part of this problem.

 

Fix that relationship first and then you can expand it to include someone else.

 

I think this is probably a good possibility. Or there is something going on that this bring up in him (like the idea of replacing mom) that he doesn't like and won't talk to you about.

 

IMO 7 months is a decent amount of time to start introductions. I start mine with my kid around 6 months. How do you handle other things he doesn't want to do? As a parent sometimes you need to assert that - even if it's just for a family dinner.

 

There is no reason to introduce a GF or BF to one's children until marriage is a real probability. Continually parading SO's through the house create a "people are disposable" atmosphere and project an unstable environment to the children. If you choose to date while raising your kid, do it when they are not at home....I realize this could be met with a lot of disagreement but remember, your kid did not get a vote on the split of his family.

 

I disagree with this. If OP is serious about the GF, then GF needs to know what she's getting into and start getting a chance to build a relationship with the son. I think engagement or marriage is way too late to be starting this IMO.

 

I think it's also good for kids to see positive role models and dating practices - especially in cases of divorce where things weren't probably healthy.

 

While I don't think the kid necessarily needs to see a parade of women in the serious mode. At the same extent, kids have people come in and out of their lives - kids from school, teachers, etc. I don't believe kids necessarily need to be sheltered from these transitions. For this reason when I first introduce guys to my kid I just treat them as any of my other friends at first. This means limited/no affection, no sleepovers, etc. I keep as much as possible of the dating to when the kids aren't home so there really isn't much impact to them other than one of mom's friend coming with us to the park.

[Tayla]

reality check. No one has control over a person. Situations yes.

 

How often do we tell people that we are giving our power away in relationships?

 

As the parent of a teen , he is testing his own autonomy. His choices though come with repurcussions. Simple manners of being polite to guest. Participating in family time. All are within your guidance to convey.

 

Somehow he has chosen to exclude himself and that needs addressed. Take him out for pizza, start the conversation , then let him share his opinion. The key is to minimize the talk of preaching and maximize the window of opportunity for him to open up. Once he does... let it sink in... then find a rational compromise. Such as , you can go to your room after meeting her and giving her a civil welcome. Little steps. He may surprise you and actually consider your gf cool! He just needs to be a bit more social when guests arrive. That is a reasonable request.

[RRM321]

reality check. No one has control over a person. Situations yes.

 

How often do we tell people that we are giving our power away in relationships?

 

As the parent of a teen , he is testing his own autonomy. His choices though come with repurcussions. Simple manners of being polite to guest. Participating in family time. All are within your guidance to convey.

 

Somehow he has chosen to exclude himself and that needs addressed. Take him out for pizza, start the conversation , then let him share his opinion. The key is to minimize the talk of preaching and maximize the window of opportunity for him to open up. Once he does... let it sink in... then find a rational compromise. Such as , you can go to your room after meeting her and giving her a civil welcome. Little steps. He may surprise you and actually consider your gf cool! He just needs to be a bit more social when guests arrive. That is a reasonable request.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

I'm taking this question with full consideration of the OP's earlier thread about leaving his 14 yr old son home alone while he spends certain recurring nights at the GF's house.

 

I suspect that his relationship with his son has deteriorated due to the perceived lack of interest. Video games and his buddies are plentiful when it comes to filling time and void but they are a poor substitute for an absent parent.

 

I don't think the son is likely to be interested in Dad's girlfriend if the son's interest in his own Dad has itself diminished.

 

Dad - you need to step it up and fix the relationship with your son first. You can tell me how independent he is but, I ain't buying it. I suspect he's just adopted ways to cope without you.

 

In my opinion you approached this in backward fashion. You want your son to be a witness to this great relationship you built with your GF, and what you should be doing is introducing a GF to the great relationship you built with your son.

Edited February 23, 2016 by RRM321

[Tayla]

Rrm, Thank you for taking the time to fill in the gaps. your post is more in tune over all. Given the further background.

 

Now I feel like a goof .

 

I feel for the kid...

[RRM321]

Now I feel like a goof .

 

I frequent that venue myself.

[whichwayisup]

Don't rush to blend your gf in your family life with your son, you've posted that she's immature and you aren't sure what is going with her and another guy (ex) that she constantly texts and talks to daily.

[CarrieT]

Basically I have an angry, hormonal teenage boy whos onely concern in life are video games and soccer. I'm pretty much the biggest pain in his ass right now and hanging out with me is the most "uncool" thing he could do. Even when it was me, him an his mother getting him to do or go anyplace with us was like pulling teeth. To top that off he has always been shy around new people.

I'm good enough for rides to soccer practice or to buy him things but god forbid he sees a movie or goes to dinner with me...

Do you remember what you were like at 14?

 

I was going to echo was RRM wrote but I will quote myself from your thread about an appropriate age to leave him alone, here and what I saw was:

 

It isn't that he is a good kid who won't get into trouble, it is the message you are sending him that he isn't worth your time and that you'd rather be with your girlfriend instead of him. And at that age, he doesn't fully understand your needs.

 

I believe teenagers need the constancy of their parents moreso as they approach adulthood.

 

Does your boy have friends that he could have a sleepover with? That might be an okay night to spend the night with your GF. How long have you been dating your GF? If more than six or eight months, is there a reason she doesn't spend the night with you?

 

Look, before you know it, your son is going to be on his own and you'll have all the time in the world with your girlfriend. Why not give him the benefit of what time you two have left?

 

Now it seems you are in that exact spot I was afraid of. You are expecting him to want something other than video games and soccer but you haven't been there for him to expose him to those aspects of life that are also important; like socialization and polite behavior with strangers.

 

You are ragging on the type of boy he has become but hasn't your own absence helped shape that very boy?

 

Do you two have times together that do NOT involve an electronic device but are geared towards talking to each other? It sounds like you need some father/son bonding time first - to rebuild that relationship - then you start baby steps with a girlfriend. Perhaps all three of you can go to a soccer game together, or an interactive science museum...

 

Look, I'm a 50-year old woman who just recently married a man with teenagers. I never had kids but my new family is pretty terrific and part of the process was that we all took it slowly together. My then-BF and I dated for over six months before I met his kids. Then we all did family things together - like I mentioned - for another six or eight months. He slowly got me involved in their lives (like soccer and baseball).

 

Now that I am the StepMom to a 14-year old, I can tell you that most of them can't see beyond their phones and video games. I don't expect that they have the mental capacity to do so, but we have family dinners where the television is turned off, we ask about their days, and we are interested in what they are thinking about.

 

I believe you need to do some more one-on-one parenting to pull your child back closer to you before you start introducing a girlfriend.

[candycane82]

Oh please people. That sounds like a typical teenage boy these days. Or any teenager at any time.

 

 

My oldest brother went through the moody teenager phase. He has always been sensitive but he was such a pain in the butt to be around. I'm 5 years younger than him - he acted more like a teenage girl than I did. We went on a family trip once. Yes it was boring and it sucked but he made it worse. "I hate this. I hate being here." The whole time. My dad stopped the car on the way back and said "You don't like it you can walk." Of course my brother didn't get out and he wouldn't have really left him there but it was annoying. He was almost emo but not all the way to that point. But he would hide out in his room. We didn't really have video games. Yes there were issues at home with our mom being a raging slut cheating on our dad but we all had to deal with it. He seemed to take it harder. Who knows why. Sensitive.

 

 

My dad was in all our lives. He talked to all of us. So you can be in your kids' lives and still have a moody, angry teenager.

 

 

Yes the OP needs to put a foot up his kid's butt or something to find out what the problem is. But to sit there and say he's an absent parent is kind of bs. He's not absent if he notices something is wrong.

 

 

I love how everyone thinks they are a parenting expert. Every kid is different. I saw that in my house. Four boys and one girl (me). We were all different so my dad really couldn't treat us exactly the same. Whoever showed more maturity and responsibility got to do more stuff as a teenager. But he loved us all the same. He never had a favorite not that I could tell.

 

 

I wouldn't bring anyone I was dating around my daughter until minimum six months probably longer. I definitely won't be like her crazy aunt who used to be my best friend until she married an alcoholic loser. She brought the guy to her home within a couple weeks of meeting him. I had just met him and a week later he's spending the night at her house. Within a month they were engaged. That concerned me. She said they were going to wait 2 years to get married. Less than a year they're married. Her sister said he pushed to get married sooner. He's 10 years older than her. Has a kid from when he was 15 and she has two kids. So he's a grandpa. She's like 8 years older than his daughter. It's all just weird. He's not even from our state so no one really knew him. He's just shady and weird. He tried too hard to get people to like him. I let him know how I felt about him after he came home and told her he wanted a divorce and he didn't love her and then broke her phone because she talked to his uncle. But I'm the ******* and now we aren't friends anymore and she wouldn't come to my daughter's first birthday party because I said he's not invited.

 

 

Anyway a little off but there's an example don't bring someone home too soon. 7 months reasonable. Two weeks. No.

 

 

Just sit down and talk to your son. Find out what his issues are. It's probably teenage stuff. Maybe the divorce (sounds as if you and his mother are divorced or separated). Just figure it out. Don't take it personally. Teenagers get angry over stuff.

[Miss Peach]

I'm taking this question with full consideration of the OP's earlier thread about leaving his 14 yr old son home alone while he spends certain recurring nights at the GF's house.

 

I didn't see that thread before I commented but I can see why the son would be acting like this towards the GF.

[candycane82]

Do you remember what you were like at 14?

 

I was going to echo was RRM wrote but I will quote myself from your thread about an appropriate age to leave him alone, here and what I saw was:

 

 

 

Now it seems you are in that exact spot I was afraid of. You are expecting him to want something other than video games and soccer but you haven't been there for him to expose him to those aspects of life that are also important; like socialization and polite behavior with strangers.

 

You are ragging on the type of boy he has become but hasn't your own absence helped shape that very boy?

 

Do you two have times together that do NOT involve an electronic device but are geared towards talking to each other? It sounds like you need some father/son bonding time first - to rebuild that relationship - then you start baby steps with a girlfriend. Perhaps all three of you can go to a soccer game together, or an interactive science museum...

 

Look, I'm a 50-year old woman who just recently married a man with teenagers. I never had kids but my new family is pretty terrific and part of the process was that we all took it slowly together. My then-BF and I dated for over six months before I met his kids. Then we all did family things together - like I mentioned - for another six or eight months. He slowly got me involved in their lives (like soccer and baseball).

 

Now that I am the StepMom to a 14-year old, I can tell you that most of them can't see beyond their phones and video games. I don't expect that they have the mental capacity to do so, but we have family dinners where the television is turned off, we ask about their days, and we are interested in what they are thinking about.

 

I believe you need to do some more one-on-one parenting to pull your child back closer to you before you start introducing a girlfriend.

 

He also said he only left him home alone one to two nights a month. That he is usually home with him.

[candycane82]

Maybe, maybe not.

 

I'm taking this question with full consideration of the OP's earlier thread about leaving his 14 yr old son home alone while he spends certain recurring nights at the GF's house.

 

I suspect that his relationship with his son has deteriorated due to the perceived lack of interest. Video games and his buddies are plentiful when it comes to filling time and void but they are a poor substitute for an absent parent.

 

I don't think the son is likely to be interested in Dad's girlfriend if the son's interest in his own Dad has itself diminished.

 

Dad - you need to step it up and fix the relationship with your son first. You can tell me how independent he is but, I ain't buying it. I suspect he's just adopted ways to cope without you.

 

In my opinion you approached this in backward fashion. You want your son to be a witness to this great relationship you built with your GF, and what you should be doing is introducing a GF to the great relationship you built with your son.

 

Except he said in that thread he only left him alone once or twice a month. That he was usually home with him.

[RRM321]

Except he said in that thread he only left him alone once or twice a month. That he was usually home with him.

 

Home . and . with are not mutually inclusive.

[candycane82]

Home . and . with are not mutually inclusive.

 

No one knows the home situation 100%. I didn't realize it was that guy and he's a widower. Maybe the kid is having issues dealing with his mom's death. Maybe it's issues at school. Or just teenage angst.

 

 

Bottomline is the dad needs to talk to the kid. But to say he abandons his son is a stretch. (Someone said it).

[RRM321]

No one knows the home situation 100%. I didn't realize it was that guy and he's a widower. Maybe the kid is having issues dealing with his mom's death. Maybe it's issues at school. Or just teenage angst.

 

 

Bottomline is the dad needs to talk to the kid. But to say he abandons his son is a stretch. (Someone said it).

 

It doesn't have to be "abandonment." The absence of any parent(s) (in any form) is often behind this kind of teen drama.

 

The boy has lost his mother, and dad already has a new woman who get's the lion's share of attention.

 

Dad has to step it up. He wasn't the only one grieving, he wasn't the only one suffering, and he wasn't the only one in need of connection. There's a lot of unfinished work here, this kind of work doesn't come with a ready-made completion date. Mom may be gone, but her impact on her son's life has no expiration date. Dad moving on, a new woman in the house - these all present HUGE risks of further loss for this boy. It's natural for him to distance himself from these risks.

Edited February 23, 2016 by RRM321

[preraph]

You shouldn't even bring a new person around for at least several months until you think you're going to remain with them because if the kid does get attached, it's a loss when you break up.

 

But once it's time, you have to be firm with sullen kids and let them know that you ARE going to have a private life and that their jealousy and resentment isn't going to be tolerated. You can't baby them about that. No kid wants you to replace the other parent, but that's not their decision to make. You talk to them and acknowledge that you'll always care about their mother because she's the mother of your kids and you love you kids, but that you're definitely never going to get back together and you're sorry that pains them, but that it's not normal or reasonable for an adult to go without other adult companionship and love and that you will be looking for a nice woman to love and that they are expected to always be polite and courteous, at a minimum, to her. You can't let kids run your love life. They are not qualified and it's all based on jealousy and getting their way and having no obstacles and hoping you and the other parent will reunite.

 

Again, don't even bring someone new around at all. But once you do and have the talk, if they still act impolite and sullen or are constantly trying to distract your attention from her, start disciplining them by taking things away so they know you're serious.