jsdifjf Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 (edited) Hi all! First of all, I'm new to this. This is the first time I feel the need to ask for help in this way. I also never have been that devastated after a break up. I will try to keep this short, but I guess I will have to explain the things that led us to this point: We met a few years ago and became good friends. However, there was always something else in the air... the feeling that we would eventually end up together. We both felt it. Last year we finally did something about it and our relationship started with great intensity. The couple of months we spent together were the best thing I ever had with someone. She said the same about me. She usually can't imagine a future with anyone, but with me she felt there were no limits. This is until two weeks ago... when she said she lost that intense feeling she had in the beginning. She started to distance herself from me, of course only contributing to this fading effect. Now I think we were just at that point when things inevitably get less intense, because infatuation starts to fade. For me it's not a problem. For her, it is. So we talked about this. After a week of no contact, she still hadn't come to a conclusion. She has feelings for me, but doesn't know whether they are enough. She is 22 and never had a relationship last very long, so I suspect she isn't able to see beyond this point. After a long conversation (which actually started with her saying it should be my decision, because I'm the one who knows whether I want to be with someone that insecure), she ended up breaking up with me, all the while saying she isn't sure at all about her decision and that she's afraid of regretting it. We hugged goodbye and I walked home, not knowing what to do with myself. A few hours later I received a text. She said how sorry she is that things had ended like this and again repeating that she doesn't know what she wants and that she feels very unsure about her decision. I don't know what to make of this. Almost one week has passed and I didn't reply anything yet, because I really have no idea about what to say. Should I reply? Rationally thinking, I know that it's best for me to walk away from this... but how can I if she isn't sure? Thank you for reading Edited February 19, 2016 by jsdifjf
PegNosePete Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 Sorry you're hurting. The fact is, despite all her verbal dallying, she broke up with you. If she wanted to get back together or had changed her mind, she would make that obvious to you. She would tell you "Hey jsdifjf can we talk? I want to try again" or something similar to that. But she has not. She has left the break-up as a break-up with no reconciliation. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do but to accept it. The best way for you to heal is to go NC. If she wants to try again, she has your number and knows where you live. But in the absence of a plain,unconditional offer of reconciliation, your best plan of action is to go total NC. 2
Mr. Disposable Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 Youth is a beast, man. I feel for you. If you're the same age as your ex (or older), you're both at that ripe time where nobody really knows what they want and so... they break up! People change fast in their 20s. It's easy to get bogged down on what she said at the end. The ambiguity that people leave their exes with is often the hardest thing to deal with. Unfortunately, young women are notorious for this (though men may do it just as frequently). However as dumpees we must learn to face reality... The reality is that there is nothing ambiguous about your situation: She broke up with you. Yeah, it stings. Yeah, it hurts your ego and it may make you feel insecure. Maybe you really cared about her and loved her...but look. She broke up with you. On some level that has to be an indicator of one of two following things: 1) She just didn't feel the same about you. A painful possibility, but one that ultimately leads to growth and moving on. We're not all right for each other and maybe that just means that someone out there is a better fit for each you. 2) She just isn't mature enough to have a solid, lasting relationship at this age/time. If one of you is more ready than the other or things in her life are too stressful, etc. it just won't work. Love is about timing above all else, weirdly enough. My unsolicited advice? Keep your head up. Breathe through it and invest time in yourself. This is coming from a guy who's three months out of his break up. I loved her deeply. But I've found a huge amount of reward in abstaining from dating and focusing on me. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends, working on my music, and investing money in getting back things that I had compromised about myself during my relationship. Take this time for you and learn from it. You sound like a good guy. You'll bounce back from this a better man. 2
kztar Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 I agree with Mr. Disposable. "She just isn't mature enough to have a solid, lasting relationship at this age/time. If one of you is more ready than the other or things in her life are too stressful, etc. it just won't work. Love is about timing above all else, weirdly enough" I am going through the same because of my EX. He just wasn't mature enough to have a solid relationship. After the butterflies fade what happens next? people give up and say "im not in love with you anymore" yeah love is much deeper than that. Its not all fun and games. But she is young. Don't know your age but i suggest dating older girls who know what they want and are more mature. Immature people with no experience have no idea of the logistics of relationships, commitment and love. It sucks man im with you but you have to let these people experience life. We were just in a trial and error experiment. 1
Author jsdifjf Posted February 19, 2016 Author Posted February 19, 2016 Hey! Thank you both for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it. I know that she broke up with me and that as long as she doesn't make up her mind, there is nothing I can do. It has to be her decision. But there is still something that I don't know how to deal with. Should I go NC right away? Shouldn't I at least reply to her message? I'm just afraid that not replying at all will lead her to the conclusion that I'm not open to give it another shot if she does change her mind... which at this point is not true (although I of course hope to get there one day). As for my age, I'm only fours years older.. but I do feel more sure of myself than I did at her age. And I do agree that it was one of these two things. Although it is of course easier to believe it's a question of timing. No one wants to think they didn't care about us enough, even though it would probably make us move on faster. Anyway, thank you for your advice! It might not make me a better man... but hopefully a better woman
PegNosePete Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 as long as she doesn't make up her mind, there is nothing I can do. It has to be her decision. She has made up her mind. She dumped you. If she really was undecided, she wouldn't have done that. Shouldn't I at least reply to her message? No, The ball is in her court and she already knows that. If you reply you just tell her that you're sitting there waiting for her, which makes you look like a doormat. Just NC.
mightycpa Posted February 19, 2016 Posted February 19, 2016 Not everybody feels bad about this situation you're in. For example, if some guy's only interest in your ex is to bang her, then he's probably happy to put up with her disappearing for a while, then coming back for a night or two before she disappears again. He won't mind if she says she's not sure, or doesn't want a relationship right now. No problem, baby. Take your time. I understand. NC is for people who do feel bad when the one they love distances themself, goes out with other people, is undecided, or any of the other hundreds of things they can do to demonstrate to you that they are not all in. If that's you, then by all means, cut off contact. But if you can weather her indecision without significant emotional turmoil, then hang in there.
Author jsdifjf Posted February 19, 2016 Author Posted February 19, 2016 I am going through the same because of my EX. He just wasn't mature enough to have a solid relationship. After the butterflies fade what happens next? people give up and say "im not in love with you anymore" yeah love is much deeper than that. Its not all fun and games. But she is young. Don't know your age but i suggest dating older girls who know what they want and are more mature. Immature people with no experience have no idea of the logistics of relationships, commitment and love. I think this is bothering me the most. The feeling that it could have been so much more, but now we will never be able to find out what would have come after this "butterfly phase". The disappointment of her not wanting to find out. I'm sorry you're going through the same. It really sucks. But yes, I guess there are still a lot of things they need to experience in their life. And that we need to experience. No, The ball is in her court and she already knows that. If you reply you just tell her that you're sitting there waiting for her, which makes you look like a doormat. Just NC. I wasn't going to tell her that I'm waiting around for her. Only that I feel no resentment for what she did. I've never felt that bad with the end of a relationship, but I don't blame her for that. NC is for people who do feel bad when the one they love distances themself, goes out with other people, is undecided, or any of the other hundreds of things they can do to demonstrate to you that they are not all in. If that's you, then by all means, cut off contact. Yep, that's me.
Author jsdifjf Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) Hello again! One week ago my girlfriend broke up with me. For those who're interested in the details, here you go: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/570385-received-text-right-after-she-broke-up-me Despite of her being unsure when breaking up with me, I'm now done with hoping she will come back. I know she probably won't. Instead, my mind decided it would be fun to enter a sort of loop and replay scene after scene after scene after scene of what could have gone wrong. The thing is, I know since the beginning that she never got really serious with anyone and that she usually just moves on once infatuation wears off. Still I was hoping it'd be different with me, because she told me she felt it was different and that she could imagine a future together. But I never could let go of this fear of losing her after just a few months. What made it worse is that before getting together with her, I had this terrible accident which changed the way I perceived myself and made me an even more insecure person. She knew about that and was there for me. So what if my insecurities got in the way? I always gave her space for herself and for her friends, I never got upset if it took her a while to reply to my messages or if she was just too tired after work to be with me. I understand these things. But there was this one time, when she had bailed on me three times in a row and I couldn't help but thinking "so this is it? Is this the point where she had enough of me?" and when the next day she wanted to meet up, I replied in a cold way, when all she wanted was to be with me. She had some problems and she needed me there. I wasn't there because of my insecurities and when I realised my mistake she didn't want me there anymore on that day. I explained to her what happened and I'm thinking maybe this scared her off? Me being that insecure? I know it turns people off. We got past it though and things went back to normal for a while. Then I'm thinking maybe I should've told her that I was falling in love with her when I did. But it's a really important thing for me and even though I felt it, I couldn't say it. Maybe I should have showed it more. I should have surprised her with little things, which I occasionally did, but not as much as her. I should have given her more compliments, I should have told her how beautiful she is. I should have noticed she cut her hair for Christ's sake. But I hadn't seen her in two weeks and when we met, I took it all in. All her presence. I didn't care about these details. On that day I told her I never desired anyone as much as I did her, I told her I've never felt that comfortable around anyone. Or maybe that was the mistake. Telling her how much I wanted her. So maybe I said too much. So what is it, too little or too much. And it goes on and on and on and on... And I know that it doesn't get me anywhere and that probably the only thing that was wrong was the timing. But how I could I let the best thing that happened to me romantically, slip away like that? How do I stop this mental torture of repeating every small thing that happened between us? Of wishing to go back to that day and say: "Yes, of course you can come over", or: "Your hair looks beautiful and so do you." And P.S. I'm a woman Edited February 22, 2016 by jsdifjf 1
Toodaloo Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 You do what the rest of us do. Chalk it up to experience and then go no contact and figure your way through the grieving process and move on. Now you know to communicate better make sure you do when you next get the chance to be happy with someone.
mightycpa Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 How do I stop this mental torture of repeating every small thing that happened between us? Of wishing to go back to that day and say: "Yes, of course you can come over", or: "Your hair looks beautiful and so do you."Write it all down. Write it down the way it happened, write down what was wrong with what you did, then write down what you would have preferred to have done, and how that might have played out. Do this for every interaction you can think of, over and over again, until you're sick of it and can learn no more. Then start with the next interaction, and examine all of them just like that. By the time that you come to the end, you'll see what your relationship could have been vs. what it was. That won't help you with this one, but it might help you in the future. Also, you'll hopefully understand that even if you had been perfect, eventually it wouldn't have made one bit of difference. When you see those two things, you'll have no choice but to let it go in good conscience. If you're going to obsess, you might as well get something out of it.
kztar Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 I think this is bothering me the most. The feeling that it could have been so much more, but now we will never be able to find out what would have come after this "butterfly phase". The disappointment of her not wanting to find out. I'm sorry you're going through the same. It really sucks. But yes, I guess there are still a lot of things they need to experience in their life. And that we need to experience. I wasn't going to tell her that I'm waiting around for her. Only that I feel no resentment for what she did. I've never felt that bad with the end of a relationship, but I don't blame her for that. Yep, that's me. Yeah man dont worry youre not alone. Stick to NC perhaps and use this forum to vent and use it as a healing tool as well. I know for me this has helped because unfortunately there's many people going through this same situation. We all ended up here due to a bad situation. All we can do now is support each other and become better people for our future prospects and actually form healthier relationships.
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