RecentChange Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 Why stay, why not separate? Because we love each other, we are better together than apart. The reasons to stay together are a long list, that have nothing to do with children, or finances, but rather, our life together. Our love and support for each other. My reasons for cheating were not due to not loving him, or because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. His reasons weren’t due to not loving me, or wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. It was never about “separation”. And I bet this is hard to understand for many, but when he cheated, and showed remorse, and intense pain for the suffering caused *I* supported him. Loved him. Reassured him this was something we could get past. And when *I* cheated, he showed me love, and forgiveness, and a desire to make things work, and a real investment in “us” and making sure each of our needs are met. Like a poster above mentioned, people love to talk in absolutes and black and white, when life and love tend to be much more complicated than that.
Quiet Storm Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 It's not surprising that marriages can survive cheating. Cheating can be handled much like an addiction, and if the cheater gets help and genuinely wants to change, they can. Just like cheaters, addicts are selfish, lie, sneak around and are very wrapped up in their own feelings. Many former cheaters look back on their actions and cringe, much like a former addict. If a person genuinely wants to change and stop cheating and lying, they can. Just like an addict can recover. Couples affected by infidelity can go on to have loving marriages if both the cheater and betrayed want their marriages to succeed. The family unit is very important to people. Especially kids. Even if the married couple has issues between them, they love their family unit. They are both invested in their children. And even if they are both hurt, tired and lost- it's worth it to try for the kids. Their family unit is valuable to them, and it's worth trying to save. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 I've been married, but am divorced. Neither of us cheated, we divorced for other reasons. I have had boyfriends cheat and I have been an OW. So, I've been on all sides of the equation. I'm sure this question has been asked many, many times. I'm near 50 and have never been in true, romantic love and I never had biological children. When we divorced, I was left in poverty and 20 years later I am upper middle class, maybe even upper class. So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated? And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced? I tried to work things out many years ago with a cheating boyfriend and it just made him walk all over me even more. I realized I was financially dependent on him to a degree. I sold some stuff and got a 2nd job and left him. It was hard and I was sleep deprived and didn't have a lot of money for extras for a while. I may be oversimplifying things. But cheating isn't loving. People make mistakes, those are one time, maybe two time deals. You get people who are serial cheaters or,carried affairs on for YEARS and that's more than a mistake. Going back to the cheating boyfriend, I thought I loved him and that is why I wanted to work it out. Yet, I realized he didn't love me, didn't respect me and I didn't want to spend my life like that. It hurt terribly at the time. People make mistakes -- A mistake is "oops, I forgot to take the roast out of the oven ". Cheating is a conscious, selfish, carnal decision to negate the vows/agreements between a man and a woman -- it is not about making mistakes, it's about flaws in a person's character. You might be able to save the roast by cutting away the burnt outer parts to get to the middle which remains tasty and edible. A cheater is burnt all the way through. 1
ktya Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Honestly for me cheating isn't that big of a deal, provided it's just sex and not emotion or feelings involved. I could get over cheating as long as it was a one off deal and the other guy was not always swirling around. Lying and deceit not her me more. Obviously I wouldn't want to know about the cheating, and she'd lie about it but long term and repeated lies piss me off way more. If there was a lot of cheating, I wouldn't be down with that, but a drunken whoops, I'd be annoyed and angry but I wouldn't leave.
Redhead14 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 honestly for me cheating isn't that big of a deal, provided it's just sex and not emotion or feelings involved. I could get over cheating as long as it was a one off deal and the other guy was not always swirling around. Lying and deceit not her me more. Obviously i wouldn't want to know about the cheating, and she'd lie about it but long term and repeated lies piss me off way more. If there was a lot of cheating, i wouldn't be down with that, but a drunken whoops, i'd be annoyed and angry but i wouldn't leave. i can't believe i just read this post . . . Minimizing is the tool of liars and cheaters and people who delude themselves.
RecentChange Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 Honestly for me cheating isn't that big of a deal, provided it's just sex and not emotion or feelings involved. I could get over cheating as long as it was a one off deal and the other guy was not always swirling around. This is how I, and my guy feel as well. Honestly people have different modes of operation, different ways of emotionally connecting, different views of sex. That's fine it doesn't work for you Redhead, but understand, some people are different. Doesn't mean that they are wrong, "bad" etc etc.
ShatteredLady Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 There are certain things that I've experienced in my life that deeply shocked me BECAUSE I realized that no matter how sensitive, compassionate & empathic I consider myself I could have no idea, not a clue, how complex & horrific those things are. I was very close to my grandfather. He meant the world to me. We spent a lot of precious time together. He'd had several heart attacks & surgeries. He was old. He died. It was heartbreaking. I mourned for a long time. I still miss him dearly. Even though it hurt a lot I understood, I processed it, I got it. It was what I expected. My uncle died younger. It was less expected. I mourned & processed. My big brother (only sibling) committed suicide. Unless you've experienced the same thing I can honestly tell you... You have no idea!! You can try to empathize & understand. You don't!! I know because I thought I did (a friend had a similar experience) I believed I could comprehend what it's like for someone. NO!! It's so very much more on so many more levels than I could even start to comprehend. It's "one of those things". Life can be divided into before & after. I can't even start to explain. People tried to console me & show me how they understood. It was painful & offensive at times. Some experiences are too huge to comprehend from the outside. Reading threads like this, forums like this, I can tell who's a completely blindsided BS & who's not! There are occasionally others who have dedicated themselves to understanding for a very, very long time. Some of them have a pretty good idea of what it's like to experience the life shattering, devastating, reality shift that is adultery. I don't have the words to explain. I could write a novel & still not share my reality. It has NOTHING to do with "standard of living", "social standing", "others perception" etc etc. It's hard to read some of the reasoning that's coming from OW & those who have never experienced it sometimes. It's similar to those who told me that "It's Gods plan & everything happens for a reason" when my brother took his life. I know & 'get' the intention & motivation.... My husbands infidelity is by far the most damaging, painful experience of my life. Explaining why living without him would be even worse is even more impossible to explain than how much it destroyed me. He didn't commit suicide but he SHATTERED everything. I mourn but he's still here & that at least has HOPE. Why stay? HOPE. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 2, 2016 Posted March 2, 2016 This is how I, and my guy feel as well. Honestly people have different modes of operation, different ways of emotionally connecting, different views of sex. That's fine it doesn't work for you Redhead, but understand, some people are different. Doesn't mean that they are wrong, "bad" etc etc. No, not bad, just have a very low emotional IQ and blurred lines regarding boundaries and character. different modes of operation -- another phrase used for the purpose of minimizing and justifying behavior.
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