Why stay [if a partner has been unfaithful] ?

[Lady2163]

I've been married, but am divorced. Neither of us cheated, we divorced for other reasons. I have had boyfriends cheat and I have been an OW. So, I've been on all sides of the equation.

 

I'm sure this question has been asked many, many times. I'm near 50 and have never been in true, romantic love and I never had biological children. When we divorced, I was left in poverty and 20 years later I am upper middle class, maybe even upper class.

 

So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated? And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

I tried to work things out many years ago with a cheating boyfriend and it just made him walk all over me even more. I realized I was financially dependent on him to a degree. I sold some stuff and got a 2nd job and left him. It was hard and I was sleep deprived and didn't have a lot of money for extras for a while.

 

I may be oversimplifying things. But cheating isn't loving. People make mistakes, those are one time, maybe two time deals. You get people who are serial cheaters or,carried affairs on for YEARS and that's more than a mistake. Going back to the cheating boyfriend, I thought I loved him and that is why I wanted to work it out. Yet, I realized he didn't love me, didn't respect me and I didn't want to spend my life like that. It hurt terribly at the time.

[waterwoman]

Put simply, the benefits outweighed the disadvantages. Or even simpler, I wanted to.

 

You decide what you want, work out what you need to get there and decide if it's possible.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I've been married, but am divorced. Neither of us cheated, we divorced for other reasons. I have had boyfriends cheat and I have been an OW. So, I've been on all sides of the equation.

 

I'm sure this question has been asked many, many times. I'm near 50 and have never been in true, romantic love and I never had biological children. When we divorced, I was left in poverty and 20 years later I am upper middle class, maybe even upper class.

 

So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated? And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

I tried to work things out many years ago with a cheating boyfriend and it just made him walk all over me even more. I realized I was financially dependent on him to a degree. I sold some stuff and got a 2nd job and left him. It was hard and I was sleep deprived and didn't have a lot of money for extras for a while.

 

I may be oversimplifying things. But cheating isn't loving. People make mistakes, those are one time, maybe two time deals. You get people who are serial cheaters or,carried affairs on for YEARS and that's more than a mistake. Going back to the cheating boyfriend, I thought I loved him and that is why I wanted to work it out. Yet, I realized he didn't love me, didn't respect me and I didn't want to spend my life like that. It hurt terribly at the time.

 

 

That's the ultimate isn't it?

 

And in part, you've answered the question yourself. You stayed with your boyfriend to try to work it out because you thought you loved him. I believe many do the same.

 

You are absolutely right, cheating is not loving behaviour.

 

People stay for such diverse reasons it's impossible to answer with any defined reasons why people stay in their relationship because it's such a jumble of love, children, years building a life, home and so on.

 

I'm sorry Lady, that isn't much of an answer to help you is it, but one thing I can say about the whole sorry business of affairs and the damage they do.

 

Love is sometimes not enough............

[Lois_Griffin]

I really can't answer for anyone else as to why they stay, but I think one must have to swallow a bit of their pride in order to do it. I'm often amazed when I read the infidelity boards and see that women will stay with men who have cheated MULTIPLE times or with hookers or have had one long-term affair after the next.

 

I don't understand why they'd disrespect themselves to that level and stay with someone like that.

 

You ask why people choose to cheat rather than divorce and that's simple. Most cheaters aren't looking to divorce or lose their families. They want what they've got at home PLUS the added bonus of having extra on the side. Like having two slices of cake for dessert instead of only one.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You admit that you were an OW....why on earth would you help someone else be a cheater? Yet you ask why a BS would stay in a marriage with a cheater.....

 

To answer your question why......We had 2 small children that he did not want to be raised by someone else. We were poor and he could not possibly have supported 2 households. My husband allowed me to stay in the marriage because he loved me. It is truly that simple or complicated...however you want to look a it.

[Sub]

There are many different types of relationships built on various foundations. I think there are certain foundations that can withstand such a traumatic experience as an A. There's a possibility that I shouldn't be with my W right now. At some point we may realize our R is better off not being a M and rather as co-parents and friends. But to echo others, the good of "us" outweighed the bad, we had built a life and a family, etc. So we decided after d-day to try and find our way back to each other. So far, so good.

[Furious]

I've been married, but am divorced. Neither of us cheated, we divorced for other reasons. I have had boyfriends cheat and I have been an OW. So, I've been on all sides of the equation.

 

I'm sure this question has been asked many, many times. I'm near 50 and have never been in true, romantic love and I never had biological children. When we divorced, I was left in poverty and 20 years later I am upper middle class, maybe even upper class.

 

So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated? And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

I tried to work things out many years ago with a cheating boyfriend and it just made him walk all over me even more. I realized I was financially dependent on him to a degree. I sold some stuff and got a 2nd job and left him. It was hard and I was sleep deprived and didn't have a lot of money for extras for a while.

 

I may be oversimplifying things. But cheating isn't loving. People make mistakes, those are one time, maybe two time deals. You get people who are serial cheaters or,carried affairs on for YEARS and that's more than a mistake. Going back to the cheating boyfriend, I thought I loved him and that is why I wanted to work it out. Yet, I realized he didn't love me, didn't respect me and I didn't want to spend my life like that. It hurt terribly at the time.

 

 

Many marriages do not have a d-day and if there is a d-day the WS often minimizes or will deny the full extent of their cheating. Often, the ow/om will support the WS in minimizing and denial of an affair and take it further underground to maintain the deception.

 

If the affair partner doesn't play into the denial and minimizing the WS often throws the affair partner under the bus and makes it out that the affair partner is a liar or an unstable person who misinterpreted friendship as something more than it was.

 

The gas lighting, the myriad of deception is a huge endeavour to deal with, and if there are children to care for, and going work and trying to get through their work day while feeling at a their lowest is just so hard.

 

The breakup of a marriage and a family is not an easy decision, it's not like a break up for affair partners. A "single" affair partner doesn't require a lawyer, a custody agreement, or have to face leaving or selling their home. When an affair ends it's usually as simple as blocking their phone number, changing their email account and social accounts and sometimes a nc letter.

 

Your question to "why stay?" to betrayed spouses is a simplistic question as opposed to gravity of what they must deal with that not only affects themselves but also the family they are responsible for.

 

Often, a betrayed spouse must search for their truth, it may take weeks months or years. Some will reconcile if there's true remorse, some will eventually divorce. It's their own business and no one else's business to determine their own future in the time they need stay or go.

[dichotomy]

I've been married, but am divorced.

 

I never had biological children.

 

Then you MAY have never known true unconditional love - and a sacrificial one as well. When people say they stay for the kids - sometimes they are saying the kids need to stay for them - so they have that unconditional full time loving

 

When we divorced, I was left in poverty and 20 years

 

Another argument for staying - not only or the financial poverty (or change in class) for yourself but for the financial consequences to your children. Poverty sucks - big time. Any significant lowering of standard of living you have worked so hard for sucks. Kids suffer with this loss as well. Worse schools, etc.

So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated?

 

Many reasons, but for me it came down to the best - or least worst - choice, as someone else mentioned above. Every person is different and should decided what choice will result in the most positive outcome for themselves and their children. I know without a doubt it would have been worse for me and my kids. So I stayed. there were other reasons as well - boundaries were set, changes made, and over time things have mostly turned around (mostly).

 

And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

So many reasons. But I think sometimes it comes down to weakness and selfishness and simply wanting something extra beyond your spouse, or something missing in yourself that this affair provides. Most cases it is a very singular and narrow reason that vanishes when faced with loosing the rest of their lives and marriage. They don't want to end their marriage they want their marriage and an affair.

 

 

But cheating isn't loving.

 

I tend to agree - but some have made very good arguments that they never stopped loving their spouse. Also some are capable of loving more than one person at a time. However that loving is from the cheaters view - the BS rarely would agree they were loved by their WS during the affair, but some have said they did.

 

People make mistakes, those are one time, maybe two time deals. You get people who are serial cheaters or,carried affairs on for YEARS and that's more than a mistake.

 

I do agree serial cheaters are a big issue. their are numerous BS after dDay who give their WS a second chance. However , when it happens again and again - I don't see many BS staying with a serial cheater.

 

 

 

responses above.

Edited February 22, 2016 by dichotomy

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I wouldn't. We're of like mind.

[Midwestmissy]

I didn't think I could. Everyone says "if he ever cheats, I'm out." But having invested so much into a marriage, it's hard to walk away. I have loved this man and had a great relationship and marriage for 25 yrs when he cheated. I don't have a husband who was a serial cheater, nor did we have a hard marriage and this was the last straw. So for me, I didn't want to walk away when I found out and then wonder if I should have tried to forgive and give him a chance to redeem himself. I don't judge people who walk out the door at all, but I wanted to know that I had tried to save my marriage, that's all. If I do end up leaving him, it won't be because we didn't try therapy, or spending time together or talking for hours. It will be because I did all those things and I know I don't have it in me to stay. But I will have tried.

 

It's also why my wh stays - he says it would be a lot easier to walk and not face his demons. He could start over and rug sweep and carry on. But he knows it wouldn't bring him happiness, or a good new relationship, or the respect of his kids. It would just enable him to continue to deny. Making huge changes and doing everything in the world to reconcile may save the marriage. But even if it doesn't, it will make him a better person for the children, so he makes the effort. It hasn't been easy, but we haven't had any more surprises since he confessed everything, no back sliding. It's a bumpy road, but as of today, I do not regret having stayed and tried. If I knew he'd fallen in love with the ow and contemplated leaving me for her, I think my pride and ego would have been very broken. I think I would have been more inclined to slink away humiliated, but again, who knows. I do feel angry with myself sometimes for moving my line in the sand.

 

The best thing my friends said to me when all hell broke loose was "I support you no matter what decision you make. If you stay with him, I will never judge either of you." Knowing that was good. And each person needs to decide for him/herself and feel secure in that choice.

 

I agree, it's a tough question. Love is funny.

[ShatteredLady]

I think deep inside you can feel the answer to your question...

 

You say you've never been truly, deeply in love. Never had babies. You've experienced a lighter version of adultery & have some idea of the pain AND YET you have been an OW!! Despite your knowledge you've been complicit in the agony & destruction of another human being.

 

You don't sound like a cruel, thoughtless, heartless person...quite the contrary. Are you capable of redemption? Were you truly conscious of how heinous your 'crime' was at the time, even now?

 

We live one step at a time. Sometimes we do horrible things whilst justifying them, maybe you're still finding excuses for the pain you've caused in your life. It doesn't make you a monster...just human!

 

Sometimes somethings can be forgiven. Sometimes the journey is worth the destination.

 

I've shared my life with my H since I was 21 years old. We've seen the world. Amazing highs & devastating lows. We've had it all. I've never been happier & I've never been hurt more.

 

I'm broken at the moment. I have faith that we can be fixed. I KNOW that my future will be less without him. We see & experience things differently together than we ever could apart.

 

"Awooga awooga! This is not a daffodil!". How many people in the world even know what I'm talking about? Of them none have the memories that we do. We are too entwined to be complete apart.

 

I stay. It's my prerogative. Maybe I won't be able to live with it & eventually divorce. That too is my prerogative.

[ladydesigner]

I really can't answer for anyone else as to why they stay, but I think one must have to swallow a bit of their pride in order to do it. I'm often amazed when I read the infidelity boards and see that women will stay with men who have cheated MULTIPLE times or with hookers or have had one long-term affair after the next.

 

I don't understand why they'd disrespect themselves to that level and stay with someone like that.

 

You ask why people choose to cheat rather than divorce and that's simple. Most cheaters aren't looking to divorce or lose their families. They want what they've got at home PLUS the added bonus of having extra on the side. Like having two slices of cake for dessert instead of only one.

 

Oh god yes swallowing pride, for sure, that would be bigtime in my situation.

 

Why I stay:

 

- History

- Kids ( I don't want to split them 50/50)

- 2 income financial stability (if I left not only would I suffer but so would my kids). As one other poster mentioned, going from upper class to poverty (and I work but would still face this).

- I love my WS but will never love him in the same way I did before False R.

- Fear

- I have no desire to really be in a serious relationship again.

 

I'm sure I could think of more, but those are the important one's right off the top of my head.

[RRM321]

It's not enough to have sufficient cause and reason to leave.

 

You have to have somewhere to go, or the resources and courage to make the uncertain journey.

 

Some circumstances are dire - you must leave, any way you can.

 

Others are about time - you leave when you are ready or able.

[flickofthecoin]

Why did I stay?

 

Because since I met my WH, and up until he cheated, I loved him. And despite what I felt I deserved, that feeling persisted even after the shock and devastation of DDay. Making the decision to leave takes time, something which I (and most BSs) was not fortunate enough to have before DDay was dropped into my lap. I did push him to leave when I made the terrible discovery, but he resisted with more effort than I could muster to reject him. And so he stayed, and I remained in limbo.

 

For the last 7 months I have been grappling with myself - half of me wants to love him and stay with him, and the other half is working on dampening and destroying my feelings for him so I can leave; the outcome of this battle largely depends on what my WH is willing to do to fix what he broke, and he has been trying to the point where I have a H who is better than he was before he cheated.

 

I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than the man I lived with before and during his affair... but day by day, it is looking like the 'more' is coming in the form of Husband Version 2.0. I am starting to see a future with him now and rather than being in limbo, I have taken a step in the direction of staying... but make no mistake - staying is no longer a set-in-stone decision like it was prior to WH's affair, when I was so incredibly naive. It is conditional on him being a better person, and a better husband.

[wmacbride]

I stayed for two reasons...

 

- I love him

 

- I stay because, paradoxically, I can go. I have been on my own and was fine, i would be fine again, diminished, yes, but still fine. I can look after my children, I can support myself, I can do what i need to do on my own.

 

I have chosen not to leave because I love my spouse, and with him, I am happy.

[ladydesigner]

It is conditional on him being a better person, and a better husband.

 

Yep I wholeheartedly agree. I am expecting my WH to become a better person. Should he keep faltering I cannot guarantee that I will stay once the kids fly the coop.

[MuddyFootprints]

We made the decision to be better together, together.

[Whoknew30]

We stayed bc we love each other. Wasn't the money or our kids, it was us deciding that we still loved each other enough to try. We also did seperate for 6 months & realized we weren't happy being apart.

[flowergirl14]

Some spouses stay that arent reconciled. They have to process the situation, see it for what it is, choose a better a life and make Plans to get out! Not everyone can leave rightaway. Ideally, they should but not realistic.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been an OW.

 

And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

Maybe you can answer your own question ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

There are as many answers to this question as there are relationships in the world. But I do think it's an important question.

 

Of course my answer includes love and my children's well-being and convenience and finances, but ultimately it boils down to whether or not we can rebuild our foundation more securely and build a better, new marriage. One thing I did right was refuse to play the "pick me" game. I'm not going to compete for a relationship with my own husband, which I said immediately while inviting him to ride off into the sunset with OW. He immediately shifted gears at that point. After such a terrible betrayal, he has a lot to prove and make up for. He has shown himself willing and capable of doing so.

 

If we didn't have children, I don't think I'd give him a chance. But we brought these children into the world together and we owe it to them to give them the best life we can. I will not stay if it's just the status quo. I will not swallow my sorrow or anger. The wounds need to be tended to gingerly and allowed to heal properly. He can help with that or he can not, but only one of those options involves remaining married to me.

 

It's been almost a year from DD and I finally feel like we have made enough changes that I can start to relax and trust our continued progress. There have been a lot of growing pains as we change our communication, our expectations, our dynamic. Change is not easy, even when both people are willing, but I do think it's possible. It helps that my husband is not a serial cheater and he is not a good liar. I believe it is reasonable to trust that this was a one-time error that will not be repeated now that we have shored up our marriage, worked on our boundaries, etc. If it is repeated, then I will be the one riding off into the sunset. I spent a lot of years allowing him to put himself first because I thought I was being a caring spouse. I thought I was creating a "virtuous cycle" by treating him as I wanted to be treated. I see now that I simply contributed to the imbalance in our relationship. I am not standing for that any longer, and thankfully, he is all in. And since he started as a person with a problem with selfishness, with a lack of empathy, unable to delay gratification, demonstrating poor judgment, etc., his changes are all the more hard-fought. Now he's the one putting in the work to create a virtuous cycle. Damn straight.

[BettyDraper]

People stay with cheating spouses for reasons such as children, shared history, a reluctance to lower a high standard of living and the fact that many choices are easier said than done.

 

I wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated and he feels the same way.

[Mrs. John Adams]

People stay with cheating spouses for reasons such as children, shared history, a reluctance to lower a high standard of living and the fact that many choices are easier said than done.

 

I wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated and he feels the same way.

 

my husband and i both said this many times.....and then it really happened.

We sometimes surprise even ourselves.

 

Staying is not easy...but it can be done....and it can be very worthwhile.

 

By the way...I also looked down my nose at others as I said...well I would NEVER cheat. No one was more surprised then me.

[ktya]

So it may be difficult to explain to me, but why on earth would you stay in a marriage when someone has cheated? And why on earth would someone cheat rather than just get divorced?

 

I tried to work things out many years ago with a cheating boyfriend and it just made him walk all over me even more.

 

I was engaged to a girl who had an affair. She ended up having another one. We werent married but living together 10 years may as well have been. I should have walked away right away, sticking it through was such a mistake. I figured all of our history together made it worth the stretch. It wasn't. When I busted her the second time she left me with little more than a note on the dishwasher to protect her affair partner. It was soul destroying.

 

I've also been on the other side. The other man. In some circumstances I felt bad about it, in others I couldn't care less.

 

It's too bad that so many people have these hangups about fidelity. Really, all sex is is rubbing body parts together. If you take the risk of pregnancy or disease out of the equation, it's almost like who cares. I only get hung up about fidelity if I'm expected to be faithful; like if I can't mess around with someone else how dare you do it sort of thing.

 

I prefer polaymory, to be honest. Keeps life interesting.

[carhill]

One example of 'why' was a bit of a twister, where a MW cheated, then later found out her H had cheated as well, heh, prior to her infidelity, and they apparently shook hands, called it even, looked around at their kids, two decade M and lifestyle and felt continuing the M was worth the effort, so did, now recovered nearly a decade.

 

When I use 'MW' examples in posts, these aren't necessarily women I've had any involvement with, rather married women I've known for many years, or decades, and they've confided in me over time. This example I've known since she was a teenager, the daughter of a friend. She and her H are also the only people I know who are still on their first M, now nearly 30 years. Everyone is different. I've verified a lot of her stories over the years so tend to trust her as being authentic when sharing such intimacies. Such isn't always the case.

 

Now that I'm older I can see better how and why some people do it, meaning continue on after an affair, both by listening to the stories and having lived life and been married. A lot of the black and white thinking of youth blended more into the gray of living life.

 

As to the other question about why don't people break up or get divorced instead of having an affair, well given the amount of infidelity that goes on in the world, and the amount of people involved, I'd opine the reasons/perceptions/constructs are as manifold as the people, probably billions of them if we analyze the entirety of anyone's life and when they've been unfaithful. Of course, since we can't read minds, we really don't know the truth but perhaps we can believe what people share, to an extent anyway.

 

If I had to put one commonality on the reasons over the decades, it would be the overriding fear of taking that step, busting the family, and being alone. This is especially true for those I've known where were married essentially since they were children, meaning they never lived or lived very little life on their own before getting married. They've been partnered their entire lives. Being without someone is apparently scary to them so, unsure about commitment from another and the timeline it takes, they work the process prior to busting things up. I ran into this first as a 'bus stop' OM along their way, where they'd use me for validation and to keep from being alone while they lined up a more permanent replacement in their socio-economic strata. Mostly, these were women from advantaged backgrounds, but traditional, where the men held the power.

 

Reviewing, perhaps fear is one good reason to both stay and to line someone else up. Fear is a potent motivator. When I start banging into boundaries these days, that lesson from MC to identify the fear really helps. Identify it, accept it, work it.