Did I ruin things?

[brokengirl85]

Thank you guys for all your help.

 

I think you guys are right that I made myself seem too easy and too available. Is there any way I can salvage this/get him to chase me again? I'm really into this guy and I see him regularly. Not sure how "friendly" or "casual" I should act the next time I see him. Wouldn't it be weird to act distance and aquintance-like? It just seems to make more sense to me that two people who were kind of intimate would interact more, but I don't want to seem even more desperate by being friendly...

 

Acting distant and aloof with him is your best weapon right now. I won't assure you you can still salvage things with him because the first impression is already made, however, you can make him wonder whether you still like him or not. guys love the chase. Keep this in mind. Make him wonder, and you'll have your answer.

[thecrucible]

Acting distant and aloof with him is your best weapon right now. I won't assure you you can still salvage things with him because the first impression is already made, however, you can make him wonder whether you still like him or not. guys love the chase. Keep this in mind. Make him wonder, and you'll have your answer.

 

Yes I'd try that too. If you see him in public, don't immediately approach him, maybe acknowledge him and then forget it and spend time with your friends. Let him approach you. I'm not saying be rude, just be a little mysterious.

 

Then if he doesn't respond to that or wonder about you, you may not regain his interest. However if that's the case, then his interest could only be fleeting anyway. You don't know what's going on with him and his life at the moment.

[Versacehottie]

It was actually my first time drinking in a while, so I didn't realize how bad my tolerance got. Either way, I don't think I was belligerently drunk (probably more tipsy). And he seemed to still be really into me at the party even though I was drunk.

 

However, I don't understand why he would suggest seeing me the next night and ask if I would text him if he wasn't interested anymore. He brought that up all on his own after saying he couldn't stay the night. Is this just a thing guys say even though they don't mean it?? But why even bother saying it then?

 

Into you at the party: because nothing had happened yet; he was essentially still in chase mode.

 

Drinking/drunk: some guys don't like it; also sometimes the way a person acts when drinking is a turn-off or not their best foot forward or not in control of their choices. Don't think you have a drinking issue by any means but maybe in future it is safer to err on the safe side---so that it will result in that nothing drinking you does messes up an otherwise good thing. That said, you are 22. A lot of people drink and party at 22 so don't change who you are or want to be just for a guy. I guess it sounds like I am recommending you party it up! Kinda kidding--my point is that if you can control yourself and won't be "easy" with a guy due to lower defenses during drinking AND are not obnoxious AND feel no reason NOT to drink at parties, etc, then I see no reason to stop, just for a guy. If you feel like anything you do during drinking is f*cking up your chances with guys then cut way back in those situations or don't drink. Definitely don't drink to excess on a date--that's not attractive. Sloppy drunk girl=not gf material.

 

As far as him asking you to text him: already a sign of low effort. If he was uber interested, he would have made the effort himself. He is asking for an ego boost with that one. i.e. chances are his interest was already lowered when he asked that question BUT he didn't want to cut it off totally with you since he hadn't decided. He had reduced you to an option which he would decide about later and actually asking you to make the effort to text him, IMO, is a test. The right way to PASS the test is not to call/text OR tell him when he suggests that that he can call you playfully or be vague and tell him maybe--sorry if this sounds like game playing---I don't see it that way; I see it as playfully calling someone out on lazy dating behavior--he is telling you through that suggestion that he is marginally interested, you respond or react equally, not jump like a puppy. He is testing to see how hungry you are. Subconsciously or unconsciously--so many guys do this, it's ridiculous. They don't mean it when they say it or they half mean it. Don't look at the words--look at the actions. If he wanted to make sure you did something, he would have texted you, taken the initiative, followed up, returned your text or followed through with the date. So yes it is a thing PEOPLE say so that they can save the real decision for later. They bother saying it because it leaves the door open and is easier than letting someone down to their face or if they haven't made up their mind. But it should show you their level of motivation if they don't follow thru: low to non-existant.

[despgirl]

She didn't get tipsy, she got drunk. Some guys get turned off by drunk women.

 

Well then good riddance I would say. C'mon it was a party, people drink at parties. Like someone in here said earlier - if he was into her it would not have scared him off.

 

 

I met my ex ex boyfriend from 10 years ago at a party and I was wasted and we had a one night stand. He was completely in love with me afterwards and we were together for 3 years. I had to break it off because I did not feel ready to be with him and only him.

[aries85]

You guys might be right, he might have just not been that interested in me to start out with. I thought he was.... guys are so confusing with their smooth talk and mixed signals!

 

I know I should just move on, but I can't help the awful feeling that I screwed up or I'm not good enough to keep pursuing. I've been running the scenarios of that night in my head over and over again trying to see what went wrong. I'm upset that I care this much and I feel like this is taking a toll on my self-esteem.

 

I'm also really anxious about seeing him because I don't know if I can pull off the whole "casual and aloof" thing. I'm usually a quiet person so I don't talk to/have as many friends at the meetings. Whereas, he's much more sociable and comfortable in that environment so he already has the upper hand.

[Lorenza]

"Don't look too easy blahblah". I say if you like someone, if there's mutual chemistry - you can have sex on the first date and he will come begging for more. And the whole "don't ruin his sense of chase" is frankly a little bit anti-feminist. A woman can act the way she feels like doesn't matter which date it is. You feel like being mysterious - go on, you feel like making out - good for you.

If a guy gets immediately repulsed by a woman who feels good and free to not mind the norms, it's his loss. But I think that in this case he was just not feeling it.

[Versacehottie]

You guys might be right, he might have just not been that interested in me to start out with. I thought he was.... guys are so confusing with their smooth talk and mixed signals!

 

I know I should just move on, but I can't help the awful feeling that I screwed up or I'm not good enough to keep pursuing. I've been running the scenarios of that night in my head over and over again trying to see what went wrong. I'm upset that I care this much and I feel like this is taking a toll on my self-esteem.

 

I'm also really anxious about seeing him because I don't know if I can pull off the whole "casual and aloof" thing. I'm usually a quiet person so I don't talk to/have as many friends at the meetings. Whereas, he's much more sociable and comfortable in that environment so he already has the upper hand.

 

Ohhhh you can pull it off. Just make peace with it. If quiet is who you are embrace it and stay in your own thoughts and focus on the meeting. Don't try to be someone you are not. The whole point is stay MORE you and indifferent to him because he has not treated you well/appropriately. You can do it!

[Versacehottie]

"Don't look too easy blahblah". I say if you like someone, if there's mutual chemistry - you can have sex on the first date and he will come begging for more. And the whole "don't ruin his sense of chase" is frankly a little bit anti-feminist. A woman can act the way she feels like doesn't matter which date it is. You feel like being mysterious - go on, you feel like making out - good for you.

If a guy gets immediately repulsed by a woman who feels good and free to not mind the norms, it's his loss. But I think that in this case he was just not feeling it.

 

I respectfully disagree with your theory as a blanket statement. Of course what you are saying works for some couples. But not all people process their romantic/lust/chase thoughts like that. It's not anti-feminist--dating is confusing enough to interject feminism into the mix---unless it is a HUGE part of who you are and how you live your daily life (the politics of it).

 

Basically, dating is probably better likened to economics and the laws of supply and demand, marketing theories and such. People want what is NOT easy to obtain, not what IS easy to obtain. That is a fact and much better for the MAJORITY of people to apply to their dating choices and actions since you will be erring on side of the majority of your guys/girls you date and the way they process info. I wish I could provide a link but those that know my posts should know that I'm way into stats and scientific info and yes this is a fact. So that's why you have to be careful if you move too fast physically with a guy as in OP's case, because the majority of people process the information as I said. OP's guy is questioning the value of the "commodity" if it was relatively easy to obtain.

 

You can do this experiment in most of your daily life. Try telling your boss today that something is not going to be easy to get or make happen--kinda indicate that it just might not--see what happens. Typically they will want it more and become slightly obsessed. That's one example. Children and toys, girls and boys, same same. Supply/demand. Laws of marketing and commodities. Apply those principles, sorry not feminism--which most guys are not accustomed to processing those concepts anyway since it does not reflect the lives they lead.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Versacehottie

[aries85]

Ohhhh you can pull it off. Just make peace with it. If quiet is who you are embrace it and stay in your own thoughts and focus on the meeting. Don't try to be someone you are not. The whole point is stay MORE you and indifferent to him because he has not treated you well/appropriately. You can do it!

 

 

Thanks so much for the support. I'll try my hardest to be myself... although I'm already avoiding places I think he might be at so I don't see him. But soon enough I'm going to have to face him...

 

I also agree with you on people wanting what is hard to obtain (as frustrating as this is). I think for some people it's easier for them to defy that concept, based on their personality and how they go about the situation. Some people are just able to act however they feel when dating and still seem attractive. However, looks like I'm the rule. It's even more frustrating because I can't stand the whole "chase" thing, and acting like I'm hard to get when I actually like the guy goes against my personality. Makes me want to stop dating altogether because I don't enjoy waiting around for a guy to chase me. I'd rather go for something I want and obtain it! Guess I think like a guy?

 

I study economics/supply and demand too.. unfortunately, all of it just goes out the window when it comes to dating.

[Lorenza]

I respectfully disagree with your theory as a blanket statement. Of course what you are saying works for some couples. But not all people process their romantic/lust/chase thoughts like that. It's not anti-feminist--dating is confusing enough to interject feminism into the mix---unless it is a HUGE part of who you are and how you live your daily life (the politics of it).

 

Basically, dating is probably better likened to economics and the laws of supply and demand, marketing theories and such. People want what is NOT easy to obtain, not what IS easy to obtain. That is a fact and much better for the MAJORITY of people to apply to their dating choices and actions since you will be erring on side of the majority of your guys/girls you date and the way they process info. I wish I could provide a link but those that know my posts should know that I'm way into stats and scientific info and yes this is a fact. So that's why you have to be careful if you move too fast physically with a guy as in OP's case, because the majority of people process the information as I said. OP's guy is questioning the value of the "commodity" if it was relatively easy to obtain.

 

You can do this experiment in most of your daily life. Try telling your boss today that something is not going to be easy to get or make happen--kinda indicate that it just might not--see what happens. Typically they will want it more and become slightly obsessed. That's one example. Children and toys, girls and boys, same same. Supply/demand. Laws of marketing and commodities. Apply those principles, sorry not feminism--which most guys are not accustomed to processing those concepts anyway since it does not reflect the lives they lead.

 

Well my opinion is connected to the fact that I live in a highly feministic country where women can act the way they want without being judged (I was kinda shocked by the amount of comments telling OP how bad it was to get tipsy and make out with him). So maybe it doesn't apply to dating etiquete in other countries, but I wanted to express a different opinion anyway.

Here, it's playing hard to get that will make you lose your potential partners as playing games of "high demand" will be simply taken as lack of interest. I came to this country with a more traditional mindset and was wondering why I keep on scaring off guys after 2-3 dates. Years went by and I realized that my attitude was taken as uptight and uninterested. I understand your analogy about economics, but it doesn't work everywhere.

Maybe this doesn't have much to do with the topic, but might be interesting for others to hear that not everywhere will you be judged on how "easy" you are

[Versacehottie]

Well my opinion is connected to the fact that I live in a highly feministic country where women can act the way they want without being judged (I was kinda shocked by the amount of comments telling OP how bad it was to get tipsy and make out with him). So maybe it doesn't apply to dating etiquete in other countries, but I wanted to express a different opinion anyway.

Here, it's playing hard to get that will make you lose your potential partners as playing games of "high demand" will be simply taken as lack of interest. I came to this country with a more traditional mindset and was wondering why I keep on scaring off guys after 2-3 dates. Years went by and I realized that my attitude was taken as uptight and uninterested. I understand your analogy about economics, but it doesn't work everywhere.

Maybe this doesn't have much to do with the topic, but might be interesting for others to hear that not everywhere will you be judged on how "easy" you are

 

Yeah I saw that you are from Norway or at least live there. I am well aware with a lot of scandinavian friends that it is different there, as you describe. I guess I was presuming this OP was from states or something like that. I like that you expressed a different opinion---nothing wrong with that. OP can take all the info and use it as she wishes.

 

I do think one reason that the way you are saying works is that if you have two like-minded people come together who either don't view moving too fast physically as most do as a "problem" then it will work. I have a few friends in which this was the case--but generally among american guys it can be a risk to become a relationship. The other way it works--even with an American guy--is that if it so part of the person's personality, ie clear cut that the person absolutely lives in moment, is a free spirit and has other options and will keep moving that the guy can compartmentalize their actions with regard to getting physical. In other words, it's just so obvious that she doesn't give a f*ck and does what she wants (i'm not explaining this type of girl well but hopefully you understand what I mean).

 

I don't know that even here that "playing hard to get" is THE answer (I would say that often backfires and certainly is not so fun!). I think you have to set standards and make sure the guy reaches that standard and threshold before you go to the next. He has you jumping through hoops, well make him jump through a few. Playfully, having fun. The message is not "never" or "not interested" but more like "i don't move so fast, prove to me why I should let you into my life". That's a good message in any culture.

[strow]

Yes, you've probably ruined things.

 

You came of as easy and desperate.

 

^ This. If I was starting to like a girl and she did that I'd never see her again.

 

Here's the bigger problem.

 

You don't see anything wrong with your actions other than you might have "ruined it" with this guy.

 

If you don't figure it out you're going to be looking at a whole lot of one night stands and wondering why they never call back.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks so much for the support. I'll try my hardest to be myself... although I'm already avoiding places I think he might be at so I don't see him. But soon enough I'm going to have to face him...

 

I also agree with you on people wanting what is hard to obtain (as frustrating as this is). I think for some people it's easier for them to defy that concept, based on their personality and how they go about the situation. Some people are just able to act however they feel when dating and still seem attractive. However, looks like I'm the rule. It's even more frustrating because I can't stand the whole "chase" thing, and acting like I'm hard to get when I actually like the guy goes against my personality. Makes me want to stop dating altogether because I don't enjoy waiting around for a guy to chase me. I'd rather go for something I want and obtain it! Guess I think like a guy?

 

I study economics/supply and demand too.. unfortunately, all of it just goes out the window when it comes to dating.

 

You're welcome. While I get avoiding where you might see him for practicality's sake because you want to be ready and steel your self up, try to think about it from another perspective. Internally having that attitude is kinda like you believe you failed or ruined things and that you are ashamed. How about adopt a different attitude inside? Like you didn't ruin things, maybe he is the one f*cking things up since you know your worth and maybe you had a good thing started. Oh well, his loss. No reason to be ashamed or scared or feeling bad. Mildly annoyed, disinterested, confused, non-plussed (is that the right word?), yes.

 

I'm glad you understood and realize the analogy about supply and demand. In some ways it goes out the window but try to imagine yourself as someone with so many options that she doesn't yet know if she wants to commit to any one guy. You don't have to be DOING THAT--it's just what you KNOW in your heart about yourself--that you are worthy of a lot of good options for bfs/guys who want to date you. Don't give more than he gives (he is general "he"). That way you set a pace that's in line with expectations and reality and won't sell yourself short. Essentially that's what you are doing when you acting in whichever way that you aren't a totally hot commodity: selling yourself short. Don't feel bad about not being in that small minority category where you can just do what you want, get what you want, no reprecussions. So few people are like that. Even the ones that are, IMO a lot of times those are not the relationships or people that appeal to me although I understand why they are working for those individuals.

 

I think you just need to redefine "chase" in your head so that it works for you and gets you what you want. It's not pretending you aren't interested. It's expecting and requiring that guys meet your standards FIRST in terms of adequate commitment for you to give freely. In retrospect, what you gave to this guy didn't meet your own internal standards. You now regret it and it seems like you got the order wrong since he has subsequently disappointed you. You gave first, expecting him to follow through on what was implied and he didn't. So next time, definitely with this guy, but others as well, make sure they meet your expectations and standards and THEN you give (whatever that is: your time, being physical, your commitment, your hopes and dreams). Do whatever you have been doing in reverse. Basically thinking of it as entertaining fun until they PROVE or PIN you down into something more. You can pretend you are moving out of state in a month. I did that once. I met two great gorgeous guys but I was moving far away in a month. I dated them both and kept it in perspective. It was easy from that POV. Puts a different spin on things. And definitely makes them chase you. You don't have to be disinterested. Just don't overcommit or overinvest. Tell yourself it's just fun--until it isn't anymore. Try to not think any further than the next date (not even that if you can keep it to just the present). Guys typically are running from the ramped up relationship, the insta-gf. They aren't going to run from stuff that is fun, lighthearted playful where you aren't sure exactly what you want to happen next. I think when you say that you just want to go for what you want and obtain it, you may mean that you feel enough of a connection that you want to jump into a relationship or be more serious than you are right at that moment. That's pushing and will not work--that's what they run from. Not always of course. But it pays to be discerning for whatever the reason is.

 

A friend of mine always seems to have a new, serious "amahzing" bf. She jumps in both feet and easily takes a HUGE leap of faith, so do the guys she has ended up with. She is more of the type who yes probably sleeps with them pretty close to the very beginning. Very much a free spirit in that way and usually in between guys, juggling quite a few (so definitely has that f*ck it, onto the next attitude where this behavior tends to work out fine FOR HER). But guess what, the kind of guys she ends up with, while amazing in some respects seem to have a thing or two that are an achilles heel or red flag. Put it this way: i'm a little envious of all these fantastic conquests when I hear them described, even on sight. But get to know them a little and make up my own mind about them, nah not so much.

 

There are a certain kind of guy that jumps right in in a week to seriousville. They are more the exception than the rule and if I had my choice I still like the guys that hold back a little better--there's a lot more that's genuine about them IMO. You've got to realize a lot of guys don't even realize what they are feeling until after the fact. Gotta give them time to have head and heart catch up. We just process emotions more quickly (and have a tendency to want to speed things up too much as a generalization; well it's also a biological fact but I digress). Ok, good luck. Keep your head up and be proud. His loss if he doesn't want to date you.

[Maggie4]

OP don't blame yourself too much. I'm not sure if there was a lot there for you to ruin in the first place. You have been acquaintences for some time, and during this time, he has not made a move. And you say he is not a shy guy, so I don't think he has been enamoured with you.

You started seeing each other, how did it come about? Do you know if he was seeing someone and just recently broke up? If you like him a lot and you think there is a connection, then I suggest you change something in your looks. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. A drastic change in hair? Different style clothing? Something noticeably different from how you look the whole time he knew you and never made a move.

[brokengirl85]

Aries85: if you study economics, you should be familiar with the law of scarcity It applies to dating, so you know.

[stillafool]

Well my opinion is connected to the fact that I live in a highly feministic country where women can act the way they want without being judged (I was kinda shocked by the amount of comments telling OP how bad it was to get tipsy and make out with him). So maybe it doesn't apply to dating etiquete in other countries, but I wanted to express a different opinion anyway.

Here, it's playing hard to get that will make you lose your potential partners as playing games of "high demand" will be simply taken as lack of interest. I came to this country with a more traditional mindset and was wondering why I keep on scaring off guys after 2-3 dates. Years went by and I realized that my attitude was taken as uptight and uninterested. I understand your analogy about economics, but it doesn't work everywhere.

Maybe this doesn't have much to do with the topic, but might be interesting for others to hear that not everywhere will you be judged on how "easy" you are

 

Lorenza, most men like to chase. If you chase them they will not answer the phone. You already know this.

[aries85]

^ This. If I was starting to like a girl and she did that I'd never see her again.

 

Here's the bigger problem.

 

You don't see anything wrong with your actions other than you might have "ruined it" with this guy.

 

If you don't figure it out you're going to be looking at a whole lot of one night stands and wondering why they never call back.

 

 

So to save me from all the anxiety and heartache, I'm curious, what is a guy's mentality behind this? I understand the whole liking to chase and wanting something hard to obtain, but doesn't that make women seem like objects or goals? To be honest, I didn't think the guy I was seeing was good-looking, rich/successful, or hard to obtain. In order words, these weren't the things that made me want to go out with him. But we have a couple things in common, like tv shows and interests. Plus, I think he is easy to have a conversation with. So I thought, why not get to know him more. And therefore, I would want to keep seeing him to have a good time and continue getting to know him, like see where it goes I guess. I don't understand why guys don't have this thinking. I know becoming intimate with him so fast might have made me lose my mysterious/hard to obtain appeal, but there's other things like my personality and common interests we share that should make him want to see me again? He was still interested after the first date and we've been talking for 2 weeks before the party, so I don't think my personality was a turn-off for him.

 

To sum it up, how come he doesn't think something along the lines of: "Yeah, she seems to be too available and it was kind of easy to win her over, but she's pretty nice and I did have a good time. Since I don't really know her that well yet, I'll go out with her a couple more times to see if we're compatible."?