hannahnyc Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Hi everyone, I am not one for online forum but since I dont want to talk about this with my friends I am gonna write here and maybe someone can give me some advice... I am going to try and keep the story short, I meet this guy on Tinder, we hit it off straight away when we met and the drinks date ended up being 6 hours long. We started to meet more and more but I never really developed feelings for him but he was extremely into me and it was very obvious, often texting, asking to plan something/hang out and once when I was drunk me and my friends met him in the club. I ended up having the worst drinking experience, he went with me all the way home to make sure I came home safely (may I add I puked infront of this guy and he was STILL EXTREMELY interested after), talking all the day after on the phone. He went on a trip for like 10 days and then I went on a trip, he even went to pick me up at the airport in the middle of the night. May I also add I had not even kissed him more than a quick peck in the lips during all this time? We went for dinners and drinks a few more times and then one night, I met him and his friends when they were out clubbing. When I saw him that night my feelings totally changed, it was like I saw a new person for the first time and suddenly it felt like I had a crush. I was soooo happy that I had these feelings come naturally because he seemed so great.... Then a week more passes and I am starting to feel awkward saying yes to go on other dates, so I ask him one night if he would mind and what he felt. Long story short, we decided we were gonna be exclusive and we both deleted the tinder app (note we did not delete the accounts which I will get to later....) In my world this if basically bf/gf but maybe you dont put it on facebook the first thing after you say it. The day after we meet my girlfriends in a bar, they assumed the same thing as I that exclusive = bf/gf and my friend introucded him to her bf as MY BF. When they left he turns to me and says "did you hear what you friend said? omg what did you tell her? I thought you told her our situation much more in detail". My heart just sank and it felt like someone jumped on it. We had a long night of me being grumpy and at the end of the night he blurted out me loved me and then got a panic attack almost because he said it. I just ended the whole night with saying it's fine just exclusive nothing else and went home. At this point still just kissing on the lips nothing else. A week later and it is still in my mind. I want a man that WANTS me to be his gf not something I should ask for. Especially not since he has been sooo into me (at least it seemed) for 2 months at this point. SO I bring it up 2 and a half months after our first date, that this still bugs me and I asks him, what does exlusive really means? Basically the conclusions of what he said "it means I like you a lot, I don't want to see anybody else but I want to get to know you more before going into a relationship. I want to get to know you better before. Exclusive is the step before becoming bf/gf, its leading to the next step". I told him I want a guy to really want to be with me and want me to himself 100%. And he kept saying over and over "I want you believe more than anything". Usual BS I guess... Then he was kinda cute after that again, he went and get tested for STDs as I had asked of him before we evolve into anything else and I said I dont want to have sex with you before bf/gf status and he said fine we will have to keep getting to know each other then... Yesterday I stayed the night at his place for the first time, it was nice we kissed and touching (no sex..) and talked the whole night. When he was gonna drive me home in the morning he left his phone (locked though lol) out in the open infront of me and left his place for like 15 min. I don't know if he wanted to prove he didnt hide something by just laying it on the table in the charger infront of me alone? However tonight I just got a feeling in my gut, something feelings so weird, I get extreme mixed singles for this guy. So I went and downloaded tinder, to see if he had been online since we deleted the app (like e.g changed his photo or if the distance change from where we deleted the app). I go to my matches, and there I see him, with a new "profile" photo and a much shorter distance to me.. I assume there is not chance in hell the first photo that comes up on tinder just magically changes itself? What should I do? Dump him? Confront him? I am clueless and sad :( I thought to myself, I can't beg for a man
neowulf Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm kind of confused why people continue to use apps like "Tinder", which were basically designed for hook ups, to try and find dating partners? Is it surprising that a guy you met on Tinder seems cagey and unwilling to commit to anything? You've got a couple of choices here. You can confront him about it and give him a chance to try and cook up a semi-reasonable sounding excuse to feed you. You can simply confront him and say "Hey, if you weren't ready to be exclusive, why not just tell me? It's the lying that bothers me", then cut him loose. In the end, you've caught him out. He's not as committed to this as you are. Keen to get laid maybe, not in having a real relationship.
Redhead14 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Dating in stages is a wise way to approach dating. Managing emotions and expectations reduces the potential for hurtful situations. If you date in stages, exclusivity is the point at which where you've decided to focus on one dating partner to focus on them and evaluate the potential for a deeper relationship with them including intimacy. If both parties embrace this concept, it is understood that if one of both of them realizes that it's not right for them, they will move on, respectfully and graciously. If you are dating in stages, it's important to make sure you are both on the same page in terms of individual dating goals to start with. If you are dating to find a long-term,committed partner and the other person just wants to date casually, you aren't on the same page to start with. So, it's important to make sure each party is on the same page in the beginning. At this early point, it's not a definitive declaration that it's going to be with them, it's just to make sure you have the same overall goal. Some people view exclusivity as bf/gf, so you just need to have clarity about that. It's a process, not an event. If they've taken down their dating site profile and you do too, that's a good sign. And, even if they say they want a relationship, you need to sit back and observe whether they date you that way.
SugarLips72 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I have a love hate relationship with Tinder. I havent used it in over a year but for the most part, most men on there just want to get laid. Once in a while you meet a nice guy. Tinder has so many men on it is really hard to say no too when you want to meet someone. I would flat out ask him what he meant by exclusive if he has just updated his Tinder profile? That tells me he is looking to meet more women. Not good for you. I dont think he is being straight up with you esp if he got butt hurt when your friend introduced him as your BF. Good luck
xcupid Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Sounds like he's too slow out of the gate and is comfortable "getting to know you." Also sounds like a waste of time with this guy. I'd say that's long enough after a couple of months to decide if he wants a BF/GF relationship . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Sorry, but if he's updating his profile on a dating app, he's keeping his options wide open. Now you know why he doesn't want to be called your boyfriend.
ilovemefirst Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I would ask him straight up. Exclusive does not mean keep options open
Author hannahnyc Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) I'm kind of confused why people continue to use apps like "Tinder", which were basically designed for hook ups, to try and find dating partners? Is it surprising that a guy you met on Tinder seems cagey and unwilling to commit to anything? You've got a couple of choices here. You can confront him about it and give him a chance to try and cook up a semi-reasonable sounding excuse to feed you. You can simply confront him and say "Hey, if you weren't ready to be exclusive, why not just tell me? It's the lying that bothers me", then cut him loose. In the end, you've caught him out. He's not as committed to this as you are. Keen to get laid maybe, not in having a real relationship. I know a few of my girlfriends actually found boyfriends on tinder and one is even engaged, but I agree with you as well. I was extremely hesitant and just signed up because I was sad it didnt work out with ANOTHER guy. (my luck in love atm sucks lol) The only thing that have made me confused is that he's been so keen on asking me on, planning dates, suggesting nice places to go, he always ask me how I am (my health is poor), he tries to help me with business advice, he always does what I want to do, I love drinking tea so he went out and bought tea cups for this place so we can have tea there... He even agreed on driving me 3 hours to go see a dog I might buy... A part from meeting up/hanging out we spent maybe 20-25 hours talking on the phone in just one month. He calls up as soon as he can and he never flakes. It's not major things I guess but he has this really caring side that I have not seen from any "fu*k boys" in the past. I have only seen this side from guys that really want to be together with me in a relationship. Thats why I am so damn confused about this Are there ANY excuse and thing someone could say from his point of you to give him another chance? One girlfriend of mine did this to her bf (it worked since they are now approaching 2 years), he was also afriad to get into a relationship and she said "you cant contact me AT ALL for a week, when the week is over if you want me as your girlfriend and go 100% then you call me because during this week you would feel it, otherwise we say goodbye now". He called after a week and felt really bad. Maybe I should do that... But the lying is what bothers me the most I guess. Edited February 22, 2016 by hannahnyc
Author hannahnyc Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 I would ask him straight up. Exclusive does not mean keep options open Yeah exactly. What makes me sad is we deleted the app together, I saw when he deleted it. This Wednesday its gone 3 weeks since we decided to start being exclusive, still no word from him that he wants to put a real title on things and he downloaded the app again....
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Yeah exactly. What makes me sad is we deleted the app together, I saw when he deleted it. This Wednesday its gone 3 weeks since we decided to start being exclusive, still no word from him that he wants to put a real title on things and he downloaded the app again.... I'm not sure what he could possibly say in defense of himself. He downloaded a hook-up app again, while telling you you're exclusive. Clearly he doesn't understand or care what "exclusive" means. It doesn't look good from here, OP. I would tell him you know he's been on Tinder again and that you're not interested in continuing to see someone who apparently has such a fundamentally different idea of what exclusivity means. He will probably toss some half-baked excuse at you, so be prepared for that. And I would not have this conversation by text; it gives him too much opportunity to take time spinning it. Really sorry you're going through this, I know it must be very hurtful. Keep us posted1
Author hannahnyc Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 I'm not sure what he could possibly say in defense of himself. He downloaded a hook-up app again, while telling you you're exclusive. Clearly he doesn't understand or care what "exclusive" means. It doesn't look good from here, OP. I would tell him you know he's been on Tinder again and that you're not interested in continuing to see someone who apparently has such a fundamentally different idea of what exclusivity means. He will probably toss some half-baked excuse at you, so be prepared for that. And I would not have this conversation by text; it gives him too much opportunity to take time spinning it. Really sorry you're going through this, I know it must be very hurtful. Keep us posted1 Thanks for your support I agree, it def does not look good I showed him from the very start that I am very independent, having high standards and never waiting for a guy to call me and he said he loves and respects that about me. So what makes me most sad is I told him I would love to be his friend if he's not 100% sure about me and that I just want him to always be honest because I prefer the harsh truth. He was so extremely into me for over two months, but when I started showing just a little bit of feelings back and we started to be exclusive it was like something changed. Maybe it is the fact that some men just like to hunt when they think they got the "catch" it's not as fun anymore. I thought since I am almost 27 and he is 31 after a few months we are too grown up to play games like this, clearly I was mistaken... probably meeting him tomo to confront to talk / ask him about this face to face. Will def update after
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