amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) I'm very confused and upset over a girl's hot and cold behavior. Would really appreciate your opinions, experiences, and advice. A couple days ago a girl I dated (4 dates over 6 weeks) ended things...for the second time. Originally she did so after our second date (and after agreeing to a third date)...no romantic connection for her. I didn't get that vibe from her AT ALL and was stunned at the time. Something didn't add up. I'm 37 years old and have enough experience to read situations properly. The girl is almost 30, FYI. Anyway, I started to move on. Fast forward 2 weeks to her calling me out of the blue. She really wanted to see me again and asked if I'd be interested in going out with her. We talked for a long time, and the chemistry was even better than before. I asked what happened, and the girl just said she didn't really give us a fair chance. I doubt it was the full story, but not the time to press. We made plans to see each other the next day - Valentine's Day (her idea). She texted me shortly after that she was so glad she called me, that I made her blush multiple times on the phone, and she was so excited to get to spend Valentine's Day with me. So on Valentine's Day she wrote me a very sweet card telling me (among other things) how special I make her feel and asking me to be her valentine. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. She kept wanting to extend the day and we ended up spending 10 hours together! According to the girl it was a "perfect day." I can't imagine faking something like that, so I was pretty convinced her feelings were real. Her words, actions, and body language gave me EVERY reason to believe that to be the case. She said "of course!" to another date and we made plans for this past Wednesday night. Everything was great (teasing, flirting, etc.) at dinner. She even made a comment about when she "starts spending the night at my place." After dinner her demeanor did a complete 180. Nothing happened to have prompted this. Toward the end of our night (at a movie) I put my hand on her leg, and she actually LIFTED IT OFF! Where was this coming from?!?! I got a hug goodbye (yikes), and then a text to thank me for the date, tell me she got home safe, and to say goodnight. The next afternoon I got a LONG text thanking me for Valentine's Day, for "wooing her," telling me what a great guy I am, etc. But...no romantic connection for her. She apologized multiple times in her text. How could the girl have changed SO much between Sunday (V-Day) and our next date a couple days later? Not to mention between dinner and the movie on Wednesday! I'm of course really upset because I was certain we had a connection and definitely liked this girl. The hot/cold extremes have really confused me. Why go through the effort of calling me again, writing the heartfelt Valentine's Day card, spending an entire day with me, and being SO affectionate? And wouldn't she have known on date 1 if she wasn't into me? I don't know if I should feel led on and used, or just chalk it up to an unstable person showing their true colors? Please take a moment to share your thoughts...I could use them right now. Thank you! Edited February 22, 2016 by amj1979 Typo in Title 1
theredpill Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I think you're moving way too fast mister and this is perhaps the problem, you can't really end things after just 4 dates because nothing has actually started. Realistically, you shouldn't be agreeing to anything with anyone until you've dated them regularly for 3 months or so, only then would you have at least a little insight into who they are. There's some emotional control growth required here, women are like cats dude. They'll come and play, but you try too hard and they'll run away. This girl already knows she's got you in the palm of her hand, the challenge has gone for her already. If there's any chance left, you need to stop chasing her now and move on, that way if she comes back it's a bonus and if not, you're already on your way to finding someone else.
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 I think you're moving way too fast mister and this is perhaps the problem, you can't really end things after just 4 dates because nothing has actually started. Realistically, you shouldn't be agreeing to anything with anyone until you've dated them regularly for 3 months or so, only then would you have at least a little insight into who they are. There's some emotional control growth required here, women are like cats dude. They'll come and play, but you try too hard and they'll run away. This girl already knows she's got you in the palm of her hand, the challenge has gone for her already. If there's any chance left, you need to stop chasing her now and move on, that way if she comes back it's a bonus and if not, you're already on your way to finding someone else. Hi theredpill, and thanks for your insight! FYI, the girl ended things...not me. She went from ending things after date 2, to calling and asking me out again two weeks later, to asking to spend Valentine's Day together and being totally into me, to ending things again after our next date. You see the roller coaster ride I was on? I'm not sure how I was trying too hard if SHE was the one reconnecting and pushing things after I'd initially moved on. So really, she chased me! And yes, I'm letting go of this girl after the way she handled things. I'm not into playing stupid games at my age. Also, the fact she ended things both times via a text in the middle of my work day was kind of cowardly in my opinion.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 She's dating someone else. I would put money on that. He's the reason she ended it the first time. Then he left. She came back to you. Now he's back in the picture and wanting to try again. So she tosses you aside. This is the most likely scenario, in my opinion. Stay far away from her. 1
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Hi theredpill, and thanks for your insight! FYI, the girl ended things...not me. She went from ending things after date 2, to calling and asking me out again two weeks later, to asking to spend Valentine's Day together and being totally into me, to ending things again after our next date. You see the roller coaster ride I was on? I'm not sure how I was trying too hard if SHE was the one reconnecting and pushing things after I'd initially moved on. So really, she chased me! And yes, I'm letting go of this girl after the way she handled things. I'm not into playing stupid games at my age. Also, the fact she ended things both times via a text in the middle of my work day was kind of cowardly in my opinion. She maybe just needed a date for Valentine's day, and you were it. She then tried/felt obliged maybe, to keep things going, but didn't really feel it over dinner, didn't want to get close, and dumped you the next day.
smudge21 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm pondering similar about someone right now, and it is doing my head in... but the thing is, I know I'll never crack that code. Enigma would be easier. As others have said, you just need to walk away (if you can) and see what happens but the more you play her game, the more she'll play it. Next time she comes a-calling, you're busy. Or if you can't do that to her (sometimes it can be hard to treat someone badly who's doing the same to us, as we're nicer people) then go out but be just a friend, no touching or flirting. Let her notice that you're not one to be played with and then maybe she'll start taking this more seriously (crikey this is easy to say, but not easy to do... if only I could follow my own advice). If she doesn't, then she never cared in the first place and was never going to be serious with you.
salparadise Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 How could the girl have changed SO much between Sunday (V-Day) and our next date a couple days later? Not to mention between dinner and the movie on Wednesday! Please take a moment to share your thoughts...I could use them right now. Thank you! Unstable personality is my guess. This is something a borderline or histrionic would do. How she rationalizes it to herself is a whole different question. It could very well be that someone ghosted her before V-day and she decided to reactivate you so she wouldn't be sitting home dateless, feeling worthless. Then she cuts you off before things even got started as a way of being in control, and because her interest was negligible to begin with.
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Any one of the guesses offered here could be correct - you don't know enough about her to really understand what's going on with her. As someone else said: "It's only been 4 dates" and that's not long enough to start psycho-analyzing your relationship. 1
Mrin Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 The 180 at dinner on the fourth date is troubling. Tossing aside the "she's nuts" explaination I would guess it is one of two things: 1. You said or did something that killed it for her. You'll probably never know. You might have looked like an ex, talked about a subject that dredged up bad feelings, chewed your food wrong... Who knows 2. The other possible explanation is that there is another guy in the picture. That's what happened after date 2. And that's what happened halfway through date 4. You're Plan B. Whatever it is - you don't need to know anything more. Delete, block, move on. 1
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 She's dating someone else. I would put money on that. He's the reason she ended it the first time. Then he left. She came back to you. Now he's back in the picture and wanting to try again. So she tosses you aside. This is the most likely scenario, in my opinion. Stay far away from her. Hi ExpatInItaly...thanks so much for your comments. Not going to lie, one of my first thoughts was exactly what you said. When she first ended things she kind of blamed it on work and family/life stress. It just felt like she was not giving me the whole story, meaning I figured she'd been seeing someone else. Bottom line is I don't want to be with someone who treats people like that, so it is what it is. Your point about staying far away from her is well taken. It was too much of a roller coaster ride over 4 dates, anyway. I can only imagine what an actual relationship with her would be like!
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 I'm pondering similar about someone right now, and it is doing my head in... but the thing is, I know I'll never crack that code. Enigma would be easier. As others have said, you just need to walk away (if you can) and see what happens but the more you play her game, the more she'll play it. Next time she comes a-calling, you're busy. Or if you can't do that to her (sometimes it can be hard to treat someone badly who's doing the same to us, as we're nicer people) then go out but be just a friend, no touching or flirting. Let her notice that you're not one to be played with and then maybe she'll start taking this more seriously (crikey this is easy to say, but not easy to do... if only I could follow my own advice). If she doesn't, then she never cared in the first place and was never going to be serious with you. Smudge21...really appreciate your thoughts, thank you! The girl ended things, so I'm definitely moving on. That she did it with a text message didn't leave the best taste in my mouth, either. Obviously it takes some time to stop thinking about a person, but I've never once contacted someone after the fact. I'm sure that's partly why she called again the first time. I think she's officially done this time, but I would have said that before, haha! In any case, if I were to hear from her again, I think a frank discussion is in order. I welcomed her back with open arms the first time, but that wouldn't be the case moving forward.
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) She maybe just needed a date for Valentine's day, and you were it. She then tried/felt obliged maybe, to keep things going, but didn't really feel it over dinner, didn't want to get close, and dumped you the next day. Hi elaine567...truly appreciate your honest opinion. I can't disagree with you at all. Obviously I've tried to figure out what happened, and what you said was at the top of my list. I didn't want to believe this girl would be capable of treating a person the way she treated me, but the proof is in the pudding. What kind of person writes a card telling a guy how special he makes her feel (etc.) and then dumps the guy 2 days later?!? What's funny is I was the same guy on our last date that I was three days before on Valentine's Day. For her to be so affectionate one day and then completely the opposite the next time I see her is a red flag anyway. If she had ulterior/selfish motives (not being alone on V-Day), that's another level of reprehensible. And to your other posting, you're absolutely correct. I realize it was only 4 dates, but it was such a roller coaster, haha. It's tough not to overanalyze when a person's words/actions are all over the place. I just felt led on and used, to be honest. But I need to take the advice I often give people...you can't rationalize the behavior of irrational people. Edited February 22, 2016 by amj1979
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 Unstable personality is my guess. This is something a borderline or histrionic would do. How she rationalizes it to herself is a whole different question. It could very well be that someone ghosted her before V-day and she decided to reactivate you so she wouldn't be sitting home dateless, feeling worthless. Then she cuts you off before things even got started as a way of being in control, and because her interest was negligible to begin with. Salparadise...thank you for your input here. As with the other responses, yours definitely makes a lot of sense. There's clearly some level of immaturity or instability on her part, as most mature/level-headed people don't treat others like I was treated. It just shows a lack of conscience or empathy. Your second point is what I didn't want to believe, but unfortunately could very well be the case. And that goes back to your first point.
Author amj1979 Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) The 180 at dinner on the fourth date is troubling. Tossing aside the "she's nuts" explaination I would guess it is one of two things: 1. You said or did something that killed it for her. You'll probably never know. You might have looked like an ex, talked about a subject that dredged up bad feelings, chewed your food wrong... Who knows 2. The other possible explanation is that there is another guy in the picture. That's what happened after date 2. And that's what happened halfway through date 4. You're Plan B. Whatever it is - you don't need to know anything more. Delete, block, move on. Hi Mrin...thank you for taking the time to respond! Your first point could be the case, but there wasn't a "smoking gun" per se. No awkward moment or anything like that. But as you said, it could have just been something that triggered a reaction in her, rather than something I did/said wrong. To your second point, it's what others have suggested and what I've definitely thought. Never good for the ego to feel like a Plan B, but that's not a person I want to be with anyway. I need someone who is ready to be more of a grown-up when it comes to dating. I've already deleted every text and photo from her on my phone, so definitely moving on from this one...dodged a bullet, perhaps. Edited February 22, 2016 by amj1979
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