What's it like becoming a non-monogamous dater?

[TheBathWater]

I am considering adapting to a life of non-monogamy from this point forward. As a heterosexual male in his early thirties, I have gained what most would consider an above average healthy serving of women, so I feel quite confident in the statement I'm about to make...

 

When I was younger, there was nowhere near the amount of temptation there is present today to cheat or engage in secretive flirtatious behavior through technology. It is undeniable that a massive shift has occurred in sexual relationships thanks to technology. Whether people who would be faithful in the past would still be faithful today anyway, there is no way to really know. But it is absolutely certain that sneaking around is easier than ever before, the repercussions are far less, and reports of infidelity (especially among women) seem to be on the rise.

 

The last two women I "made things official" with both ended in the 1-2 month range because I caught them through technology either cheating or planning to cheat (yes, at only 1-2 months!). Most people I know who are in LTRs or are married - I would estimate somewhere between 50 and 75% - admit to having cheated or been cheated on, and the stories as far as I can remember always involve technology. It doesn't seem like these numbers are going down, that's for sure.

 

I am proud to say I have never cheated on a woman in my life. I am a good looking guy and I tend to date good looking women. I am starting to think it's unrealistic (even insane?) to expect a woman to remain monogamous with me. I'm tired of the betrayal, let alone the paranoia that now follows me inevitably (because can you ever really KNOW if someone is cheating on you?). I have always preferred monogamy, and I still do, but I am strongly considering trying a new lifestyle for a while and seeing how that goes. If my monogamous love life were actually a business, and I kept running into the same hurdles and failures, I would be a smart business man and evaluate why it's not working instead of repeating the same problem. It seems to me we keep doing this in love. I am tired of it. The system is broken. I don't want to keep getting slighted with betrayal.

 

For those of you who have switched from monogamy in your dating and love life to non-monogamy, how was the transition for you? What were some of the initial challenges early on? Has it gotten easier over time, or more difficult? How have you approached non-monogamy in a culture that still stamps itself as largely monogamous, even though statistics are increasingly demonstrating a very different cultural image? Are you satisfied with your new lifestyle moreso than your previous one? If so/if not, why?

Edited February 21, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[AnnaGem]

Interesting topic.. I'm considering the same thing myself. The past couple of guys I've dated have all wanted to dive right into exclusivity and at first, it made sense to me.. I was divorced for a couple of years and it seemed "natural" to try and recreate a unit similar to what I had lost.

 

However, I'm not sure if it was the lousy, dramatic, clingy men I was dating or myself growing as a person, or just a phase, but I've started to feel really put off by the concept of searching out someone to be in a relationship with. It just seems like so much work..

I have kids (so no biological clock ticking), I have a great job (don't need a bread winner), and I'm curious/excited about venturing into a world of dating lead by my own independence rather than the normal endeavor of finding "the one".

 

I've gone on a few dates, and right now I'm struggling with how to convey that I'm not really wanting a relationship without making it sound like I want to sleep with everyone I go out with.. because well, I'm not going to give it up to every cute guy who buys me dinner... there's still gotta be some awesome/fun connection..

 

Curious to see what "advice" comes out of this thread...

[ses]

I think monogamy is possible if you want it and find someone who also values that quality in a relationship. As someone who never thought I would be serious with anyone and enjoyed casual hookups, I was really fortunate to find a partner who wanted commitment. It's perfectly natural to not want it but it's imperative you let the other person know your expectations.

 

Be honest early. It's really easy to get attached when you start spending time with one person. Personally, multi-dating was fun for me until I realized how much I wanted a deeper connection beyond good sex.

[TheBathWater]

Well, I would prefer monogamy, but it seems to fail continuously. I wonder if my relationships would last if they were non-monogamous. Women simply have too many options and temptations today, and the expectation that one of them will remain faithful to me (and potentially for the next 50 years!) seems insane. As I mentioned earlier, I am aware of very few long-term relationships and marriages that don't contain infidelity at some point. I'm sure the actual statistics are larger than the ones available.

[Alamo657]

When I was younger, there was nowhere near the amount of temptation there is present today to cheat or engage in secretive flirtatious behavior through technology. It is undeniable that a massive shift has occurred in sexual relationships thanks to technology. Whether people who would be faithful in the past would still be faithful today anyway, there is no way to really know. But it is absolutely certain that sneaking around is easier than ever before, the repercussions are far less, and reports of infidelity (especially among women) seem to be on the rise.

 

I am starting to think it's unrealistic (even insane?) to expect a woman to remain monogamous with me. The system is broken. I don't want to keep getting slighted with betrayal.

 

 

Although i can't help you on you quest, i believe like you do that technology has made cheating impossible to avoid. People are constantly in contact with "new", "fresh", "different" and they can't make consistent choices anymore.

 

Just like they buy their new phone, they wanna try this "new person", so they don't "miss out on something".

 

I think the switch occured when "messages" were transformed into "discussions" with the iphone and facebook as the pionneers of the trend.

 

Those "discussions" make it incredibly easy to exchange flirty and personnal info and create bonds with whomever cross our way that we find attractive. The fact that "marriage" has become something of a burden for most people who only want to f u ck as much as possible before they die probably didn't help.

 

This is a sad state of affair because as a monogamist who is still clinging to an old fashioned kind of love (commitment, fidelity, exclusivity, being each others best friend...), i simply don't fit it the new trend and i find it incredibly hard to find like-minded people.

[RecentChange]

Hum... Well, I am not quite sure I am the demographic you are looking for, but here are a few tid bits from my perspective:

 

In my younger days, I was never really one for monogamy. I had some boy friends I causally dated (okay, maybe a puppy love "I love you") but nothing too serious. I had a long term FWB which was a set up I really enjoyed, and a few other FWBs that came and went..... so to set the stage... I wasn't really about monogamy, and it wasn't something I sought.

 

Then I met my now BF - and it was a head over heels, hot and heavy, OMG I LOVE you! Kind of meeting. Agreed to stop seeing long term FWB... moved in with BF six months later....

 

That was about 14 years ago. And I was monogamous for about 13.5 years

 

Last summer... "one thing led to another" as they say, and I found myself in a physical affair. Which... led to yet another, physical only... "thing".

 

ANNNND I got caught, and by BF didn't kick me to the curb, rather, said he understood. Sure, it hurt him, and we have crap we are working through. But he says as he has gotten older, he views relationships differently, and understand my perhaps peculiar ability to compartmentalize, that sex does NOT equal love for me... he knew about my old FWBs... we had talked about these things years ago when we first met.

 

He has offered to open up the relationship and allow me to have a "side piece" or whatever you want to call it as long as I come home to him.

 

To me, it all still sounds pretty complicated, I am not sure how to pull off something like that without hurt feelings (hey hun, I am going to be home late - gonna go get my brains F'ed out by that hot young guy).

 

And further, I am not sure how you would BUILD a relationship without some dedication to each other from the start.

 

I can tell you despite my philandering.... I did not have eyes for ANY one else for many many years....

 

Lastly! Technology had nothing to do with it for me! (well except the getting caught part!). Met the guys in my daily routine.. sure you can text to set up a date, but phones worked back in the day for that too.

[burnt]

Well, I would prefer monogamy, but it seems to fail continuously.

 

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change" (Wayne Dyer).

 

If YOU prefer monogamy, then stick with your preference.

 

Could it be that the way you view the trend on "most women" is faulty?

 

Could it be that perhaps your opinion on women have been unfairly and strongly colored by the last few women you dated who cheated on you?

 

Could it be that perhaps you chose some very immature women to get involved with?

 

Could it be that you are for some unknown reason being attracted to women who are more likely to cheat?

 

If you are having trouble trusting one woman to stay faithful to you, getting involved with a whole bunch of untrustworthy women will not satisfy you, since, as you stated, underneath it, you DO prefer (perhaps believe in) a trusting monogamous relationship.

 

OK…I'm just pretending to be a therapist--it's just fun to theraputize the therapist

[Imported]

I am considering adapting to a life of

 

1-2 month range

 

I am proud to say I have never cheated on a woman in my life.

 

I have naturally been having relations with women that only last @3 months at most. I believe this is good. I like women. Being around them, getting to know them and enjoying their company. Why does it have to be more than that?

 

13.5 years later you find out your wife had meaningless sex with someone, but don't worry it was just a physical thing? 13.2 years ago, you shoulda been moving on. I believe in being faithful, I just don't believe it is in my best interest to get attached.

[TheBathWater]

I have naturally been having relations with women that only last @3 months at most. I believe this is good. I like women. Being around them, getting to know them and enjoying their company. Why does it have to be more than that?

 

13.5 years later you find out your wife had meaningless sex with someone, but don't worry it was just a physical thing? 13.2 years ago, you shoulda been moving on. I believe in being faithful, I just don't believe it is in my best interest to get attached.

 

Ah, a brother in arms before me. I do understand where you're coming from. Most of my relationships with women fall in the 1-3 month range, save for a couple of outliers when I was in early adulthood who managed to make it several years with me (and neither cheated, but this was before today's technology too). I don't believe it's in my best interest to get attached either.

 

The problem for me comes in though in that I prefer longer relationships because they create a story, a unique shared experience of learning and growing and sacrifice, in a way that is very different in quality than simply living life on your own. It's the commitment, for better or worse, to that process that keeps me invested in seeking LTRs. I've conquered A LOT in my life at my age, and the idea of going through an LTR with all the ups and downs appeals to me...if I find the right woman who also has the maturity and skill to go through it.

 

Whether or not it is as rare today to find someone who wants an LTR as it was years ago, I don't know. I believe many people say they want an LTR, but few know or have what it takes to actually experience an LTR when it comes down to it. This is why the majority of my relationships end early today. People simply don't get invested very far once the novelty starts wearing off, you realize you have a complex person in front of you, and you can replace that complexity and confusion with something newer and novel with a simple swipe on your phone. Culture also encourages people to be hedonistic seeking more than ever. I believe the economy has made a strong recovery playing off of people's insecurities and destroying relationships...

 

Okay, now I'm just starting to rant... but my point is that relationships can still work, but it's exceedingly rare to find two people who both have what it takes and want it with each other. And even then, it's not easy.

Edited February 23, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[2.50 a gallon]

Other than a three year period, age 26-29, when I was engaged, and a similar number, age 32-35. when I got married for a while 6 months, I have lived a non-monogamous life style. The world was full of beautiful women, and I wanted to kiss as many as possible.

I liked living alone, as it meant I could do what I wanted, whenever I wanted and with whom ever I wanted. I had nobody to answer to.

Do not get me wrong, as I very much loved my ex-fiancé and Ex-wife and truly wish we had lasted for ever.

For me to fall in love she had to be extraordinary good looking, and long legs.

I had a great sex life, with partners running into the triple digits.

All of that came to an abrupt stop a little more than 20 years ago. Second date, first kiss, and I went home that night feeling totally lonely. I can't explain it.

I do have one major regret, in that I never had any kids. And now that I am retired, I truly wish I had some grandkids to teach how to fish, etc.

[Miss Peach]

My two cents if you prefer monogamy then look for someone else who shares your values there.

 

I've tried both. I think the open one can be harder (assuming you mean poly) because you have someone having to take into account other people's feelings, time for you, etc. This is assuming you can get past the jealousy issues that a lot of people can't.

 

In any case, I think open communication where you communicate anything openly and compromise is the key. You need this to make any relationships work - mono or poly.

 

If you mean swinging then I consider that differently since the side relationship is purely sexual and often short-term.

[central]

For those of you who have switched from monogamy in your dating and love life to non-monogamy, how was the transition for you? What were some of the initial challenges early on? Has it gotten easier over time, or more difficult? How have you approached non-monogamy in a culture that still stamps itself as largely monogamous, even though statistics are increasingly demonstrating a very different cultural image? Are you satisfied with your new lifestyle moreso than your previous one? If so/if not, why?

 

After leaving my ex 16 years ago (long term monogamy; and like you, I've never cheated), I had the opportunity to try ethical non-monogamy. My next relationship has been open and/or poly for 16 years. Basically, we are totally devoted to each other and happily married, but both have other partners when we wish or opportunity arises that we want to pursue. So, we practice social/legal monogamy, but not sexual monogamy.

 

It was a bit disconcerting at first, but I've always had non-monogamous beliefs. It's definitely gotten easier over time. Our first experience was a poly relationship, where we each had another serious partner. They eventually moved on, and we got into swinging. That's been a lot of fun, and we do that together - it's probably the easiest form of non-monogamy, IMO. Now, we mostly do our own thing but keep each other informed. It works very well for us, and while it provides some variety and fun, it also helps us appreciate each other all the more.

 

Since it's all in the open, we don't have any concerns about cheating. What would be the point, after all? And being poly-oriented, it's not a problem if we develop some feelings for someone else.

[joseb]

Tuna, it kinda sounds like a bit of a knee jerk reaction to me. Though it's not a bad idea to consider other options, you sound like you are really looking for a monogamous and long term relationship.

Personally, I have very little interest in ever getting into another ltr. I've had 3, spanning half my life (most of my adult life) so been there, done that. I think im probably a much better candidate for non monogamy than you, but even I am struggling with the concept. I think I'm happier being casual with one girl at a time.