My boyfriend of 2 years has wandering eyes and it bothers me!

[pinkmusic]

My boyfriend of 2 years has wandering eyes and it really bothers me.

 

We both are somewhat jealous but when he looks at other women, not glances at them, it really makes me feel degrated.

 

He doesn't just look, we all look, he looks over and over at one he may think is cute and sits and stares her down (undresses her with his eyes). I'm sure he is thinking about what is underneath and probably wondering about what she would be like in bed. This is degrating to me. He says he doesn't think that. But he lies to me a lot. How can i believe him?

 

We are committed to each other and he lives with me and we're in a relationship together. You would think that he would be happy with me and not need to do that. He says he loves me and my body but he still does that.

 

I asked him why he does it, he doesn't know. I am so fed up with it. I asked him to choose: continue "looking", like he does or our relationship. He said he can't stop. I guess I am not that important to him afterall.

 

Yes, it sounds like i am insecure. Im not insecure with myself. I can get anyone (well, not anyone). I am insecure when he undresses women with his eyes and he doesn't look at me like that. Single people do that, not one's that are, so called, in love.

 

I wish it didn't bother me so much. I told him I will look at men like that and he said go ahead. But as soon as a guy looks at me or talks or flirts with me, he does get jealous. He wants his cake and eat it too. He can't have both. It's "them" or me. I don' t think i'm being unreasonable. I've talked to a lot of my friends and people and MOST of them said, "when they are commited to someone, they are number one. There is no reason to look elsewhere!!"

[Sal Paradise]

We both are somewhat jealous but when he looks at other women, not glances at them, it really makes me feel degrated.

 

Why? Do you expect your relationship to exist within a vacuum? Asking anyone not to notice or look at other people at all is too much. So what if he looks, he goes with you doesn't he? He doesn't sleep with these women so why concern yourself with it. Hell it doesn't even sound like he flirts with them. I don't see what the problem is.

 

He doesn't just look, we all look, he looks over and over at one he may think is cute and sits and stares her down (undresses her with his eyes). I'm sure he is thinking about what is underneath and probably wondering about what she would be like in bed.

 

You're extremely insecure and are allowing that insecurity to make you paranoid. You have no way of knowing what he is thinking. You're putting thoughts into his head. You're making way too much out of this.

 

We are committed to each other and he lives with me and we're in a relationship together. You would think that he would be happy with me and not need to do that. He says he loves me and my body but he still does that.

 

He probably is happy with you. His looking at other women has nothing to do with his happiness. His heart and soul belongs to you but you can't ask him to turn himself off completely from every person he see's. This is about your insecurity in the relationship. If you were completely secure this wouldn't bother you.

 

 

I asked him why he does it, he doesn't know. I am so fed up with it. I asked him to choose: continue "looking", like he does or our relationship. He said he can't stop. I guess I am not that important to him afterall.

 

I commend him for being honest. You're trying to castrate this guy. Some chicks aren't happy with the guy merely being with them and committed to them, they want them to give everything they have and turn into something they're not. Women who freak out over looking and masturbation/porn are the one's with the problem, not the guys they torment.

 

Yes, it sounds like i am insecure. Im not insecure with myself. I can get anyone (well, not anyone). I am insecure when he undresses women with his eyes and he doesn't look at me like that. Single people do that, not one's that are, so called, in love.

 

Yes you are insecure. Actually you're extremely insecure. If you weren't you wouldn't be this upset over something so small. And single people do look at other people besides their SO and many of them are very much in love. Love and looking have nothing to do with each other. I love my gf more than anything in the world but if a pretty girl walks by I usually look. She doesn't care because she is secure in the relationship. I've seen her check out guys on a few occasions and it doesn't bother me because I am secure in the relationship.

 

I've talked to a lot of my friends and people and MOST of them said, "when they are commited to someone, they are number one. There is no reason to look elsewhere!!"

 

Get some new friends lol. They're either lying or are crazy. Asking someone to not look at all is insane.

 

The problem is you're seeing this in the wrong light. For you when he looks that means he wants someone else or that he isn't happy with what he has. When someone committs to you are they supposed to turn themselves off from anything else that is beautiful in the world? Are they not supposed to acknowledge beauty or even dare to look at it?

 

A relationship is a deep committment. A committment that would mean nothing if someone could simply turn themselves off. Thats what makes it so beautiful when someone gives themselves to you and commits themselves to only you. Its a sacrifice by both people. If there was no sacrifice love would not be as profound of an experience as it is. If a person could merely turn themselves off to the world and everyone else it would be easy.

 

He has already given you part of his heart, and part of his soul. What else more do you need? It sounds like to me that you're unhappy in the relationship and this is just setting off that unhappiness. Only an extremely needy, insecure and controlling person would ask someone not to look ever again. Do you see yourself as that? If not then perhaps you should take a long hard look at yourself.

[pinkmusic]

sal, thanks for responding......

 

i don't expect him to be dead. Like I said, it is normal to look. I look.

 

You don't know him like i do and i know how he thinks. Its not that he looks, its where he looks and for how long and he goes into dream world. I have caught him numerously, gazing at a certain "part" and he is in neverland until he realizes im looking at him, then he snaps out of it.

 

There are more issues about him that just dont seem right in a relationship (lazy, lies, sleeps alot, watches tv too much, isnt loyal to me but is to friends, doesnt seem to make me #1, we fight and he'll go to bed and nothing ever gets resloved, ignores me, calls me cuss names, .............). etc. I only posted the one concern, the one that bothered me the most. This is not a healthy relationship and he thinks it is.

 

He thinks if he goes a few days without resolving anything, it'll just go away.

 

He doesn't care if im mad, hurt, sad, crying......he'll just go in the other room and watch tv. I'm still grieving the wrongful death of my 6 year old daughter, he sems to be un caring all the way around.

 

I have even said maybe we should break up, but he says he's not moving out, he's on the lease.

 

I do love him alot but it seems like he doesnt know what it is (love). He is selfish. As far as sex goes, lets say he's not into it like an average guy. Im lucky to get it and when i do, its right for the gusto and it lasts for 2 minutes. Hardly any kissing, no foreplay, as soon as he gets in, he's done. Im deprived.

 

Im sure i am insecure. My first, my only husband, chose booze over our family. my second, not married, chose abusing me mentally and physically, until i could get out. and now my third, doesnt know how to be unselfish.

 

Im feeling pretty rejected and bitter towards men, and my poor choice of them.

 

How am i supposed to be not insecure, my 2nd really put a guilt treatment on me and ruined me for life, i think. I've been lied to so much and cheated on, what am i supposed to think? Im burnt out on liars, users, cheaters and players. Am I ruined for life because of the treatment these guys put on me?

[ishouldgiveup]

Hello,

 

We all have insecurities about things, to varying degrees, whether we want to admit it or not. That's part of being human. Yes, it is also human to glance at those of the opposite sex even when in a relationship, but the way you describe it, he does more than just glance - he's practically drooling at their T&A and so caught up in it that he's almost in a trance. You know him better than any of us here so if you feel he's undressing them with his eyes, well you'd know because you know how he was when you first met him and he was showing interest in you, right?

 

He doesn't know why he does it (yeah right) and he doesn't think he can stop, that's just the way it is. Okay, well then you have to be the one to decide whether this kind of behavior is acceptable to you - only you can decide that. To most women, it wouldn't be at all acceptable because it's blatant disrespect and it's a scenario of a man looking at other women like they're just pieces of meat (I mean ,surely he's not staring at their personality LOL)

 

Now add to that, what you've told us about him - in addition. He's lazy, inattentive, he lies, he doesn't see the need to resolve issues, his idea of sex is wham/bam/thankyou ma'am (with no foreplay, no affection, no deep intimacy, just him getting his rocks and rather quickly I might add - what about you?). He cusses you out, he doesn't make you a priority.

 

He is not the guy for you and you deserve a lot better.

 

In light of your past relationships, I strongly encourage you to get yourself into some counselling or therapy - work with someone to help you get at the root of why you're attracted to these "types" because I'm sure if you look back at them, they're all very similar in how they treat/treated you - probably started out charming and you were so smitten with them and they said and did all the right things to lure you in, but then their true colors emerged with time and they began to treat you with little respect and honesty. There's something about this kind of guy you're attracted to, maybe it goes back to your childhood and how your father treated you (maybe you didn't feel loved by him and you felt you had to fight so hard to gain his love?). This doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or you're a headcase - I have been in the same boat, believe me, and so have millions of women.

 

Don't EVER stay in a relationship with someone who who makes you feel bad and like you're just not worth anything. Never.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by pinkmusic

sal, thanks for responding......

 

i don't expect him to be dead. Like I said, it is normal to look. I look.

 

You don't know him like i do and i know how he thinks. Its not that he looks, its where he looks and for how long and he goes into dream world. I have caught him numerously, gazing at a certain "part" and he is in neverland until he realizes im looking at him, then he snaps out of it.

 

There are more issues about him that just dont seem right in a relationship (lazy, lies, sleeps alot, watches tv too much, isnt loyal to me but is to friends, doesnt seem to make me #1, we fight and he'll go to bed and nothing ever gets resloved, ignores me, calls me cuss names, .............). etc. I only posted the one concern, the one that bothered me the most. This is not a healthy relationship and he thinks it is.

 

He thinks if he goes a few days without resolving anything, it'll just go away.

 

He doesn't care if im mad, hurt, sad, crying......he'll just go in the other room and watch tv. I'm still grieving the wrongful death of my 6 year old daughter, he sems to be un caring all the way around.

 

I have even said maybe we should break up, but he says he's not moving out, he's on the lease.

 

I do love him alot but it seems like he doesnt know what it is (love). He is selfish. As far as sex goes, lets say he's not into it like an average guy. Im lucky to get it and when i do, its right for the gusto and it lasts for 2 minutes. Hardly any kissing, no foreplay, as soon as he gets in, he's done. Im deprived.

 

Im sure i am insecure. My first, my only husband, chose booze over our family. my second, not married, chose abusing me mentally and physically, until i could get out. and now my third, doesnt know how to be unselfish.

 

Im feeling pretty rejected and bitter towards men, and my poor choice of them.

 

How am i supposed to be not insecure, my 2nd really put a guilt treatment on me and ruined me for life, i think. I've been lied to so much and cheated on, what am i supposed to think? Im burnt out on liars, users, cheaters and players. Am I ruined for life because of the treatment these guys put on me?

 

Like I said there is more going on than the "looking." He has other issues and this one was a mere match to the gasoline that fuels your unhappiness. Merely having him cease to look isn't going to fix the other issues. If you fix the other issues the looking won't matter and I doubt you'd even care as much. If he is unwilling to fix the other issues then you should leave him. The issue is lack of communication (in all forms, affection, intellectual, emotional, physical). If you're unhappy you should tell him you either want couples couselling or a divorce. Why stay if you're unhappy?

 

As far as your history with men goes.....that is your problem. I don't mean that to sound harsh but remember you can't blame the current guy for what other guys did to you. So if this relationship ends and you eventually find someone else do you want him to have to take on all the baggage of these other guys? Of course not. I would highly suggest you see a therapist.

 

Good luck.