Daughter in law problems

[newmoon]

Fine, then she has no right to feel upset that the DIL doesn't want to spend time with her or the rest of the family.

 

Are we reading the same thread though? Seems from day one she didn't accept her DIL and has treated her poorly, judging her, criticizing her etc.

 

And what values? That she finds thank you cards insulting and pointless? That she cannot 'see' what damage she's caused by treating her DIL poorly?

 

there are just too many aggrieved dil's on here she is allowed to act however she wants and there is no requirement for her to be nice to anyone. she can judge, treat her poorly, etc. who cares. but if the dil doesn't come around, or if the son/grandkid don't come around.. she can't be upset. i think she did mention her and the dil were friendly initially and then it went downhill after the marriage

[VeveCakes]

Gee I wonder why.

 

She made a thread asking why the woman hates her basically. Everyone is telling her. Of course anyone can be a jerk to their family, but why would you want to.

[hotgurl]

Well the op questions was how can I get along with DIL.

 

The answer would be stop treating her like crap.

 

Yes she can continue to be a B to her DIL but then don't expect to have a relationship with her.

 

I had an aunt(by marriage). She made it her mission to treat the who family like crap, talking badly about everyone, gossiping, being mean, stating that my uncle was now hers and not part of the family etcc.

 

 

Now my uncle has passed on and she is alone and no one wants anything to do with her, wonder why.

[lifeisbeautiful]

As a daughter-in-law who has a MIL that hates me and that sounds like you, my heart is sad for your DIL. I have no kind words to say, so I'll hush. I just feel really bad for your DIL.

 

[d0nnivain]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (ie they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

 

She's not taking things out on the kids. She is shopping for the kid, getting the kid a gift & sending her husband, the kid's uncle, & her child, the kid's cousin. All she is doing is removing herself from a situation she finds toxic.

 

Especially if she is only recently out of rehab or newly in recovery it must be very difficult to be around drinking. Cut her a break for avoiding temptation.

 

Moreover, because she probably does feel like you all hate her, I can understand why she prefers to not be around you. I avoid people who upset me.

 

Your comment about her lack of education also continues to make it seem like you are being condescending & nothing she does is good enough. Your own child also works at a job that doesn't require education. As long as it's an honest days work, get off her back.

[anika99]

In every example you've given.. YOU were at fault. Mother in laws should be more sensitive.

 

You were totally wrong about the comment of their home being clean. It suggests she isn't taking care of her child properly.

 

You raised your kids a certain way. You are being rude not thanking her for a mothers day card and before I say anymore I need to pause.

 

I struggle to believe that any reasonable rationale human being would say the things you did.

I feel sorry for your DIL.

 

 

Not only was the remark about the dil' clean house and her daughters house not being clean because she thinks her child is more important downright rude and insulting, it doesn't even make any sense. The OP said she has to babysit her daughter's kid all of the time ALONG with a NANNY because her daughter is busy with her career. So the daughter's house isn't messy because she is spending all of her time with her kid, but because she is working. Nothing wrong with that but how awful of the OP to say such a thing to her dil when it's not even true.

 

OP are you being serious or are you pulling our leg? I've never seen another poster describe themselves to be as nasty and mean as you have described yourself while acting like the injured party. I wonder if maybe you are actually the daughter in law and you are here posing as your mother in law, in order to get validation for feeling like your mother in law is terrible. I have seen posters pose as other characters in their story before. I don't know why. Perhaps so they can show the responses to the person they have a beef with and say "see, even these strangers think you are terrible".

 

If you are really the mother in law then you are truly awful to your dil. I'm surprised your son hasn't gotten involved and straight out told you to smarten up and treat his wife with some respect. I have a daughter in law and I would never treat her that poorly.

[soleilesquire]

i don't think she's required to love, or like, the d-i-l just because the son married her. she didn't marry the woman, she doesn't owe her any kindness, and as we age - i assume the OP is a senior, or close to it - we are less inclined to change and be completely set in our ways. so, expecting the OP to change for this girl is ridiculous and doesn't honor the values of the OP. the responses bash the OP without really considering her values; the OP doesn't have to do anything and can mock and ridicule the d-i-l as much as she wants. but, she will need to live with any consequences as a result, no doubt.

 

It is my hope that any MIL who felt this way would not only be shunned by the DIL, but by her son as well.

 

This kind of toxic woman should not be part of their lives.

[Pastypop]

This is how my mil treats me on good day. She mostly gives me the silent treatment but calls my husband/kids and tells them what a horrible, bad or crazy person I am. This has been going on for 25 years now. Can't wait until she's gone.

[anika99]

This is how my mil treats me on good day. She mostly gives me the silent treatment but calls my husband/kids and tells them what a horrible, bad or crazy person I am. This has been going on for 25 years now. Can't wait until she's gone.

 

Why has your husband allowed this to go on for 25 yrs? Your problem is more with him than your MIL. For 25 yrs he has listened to his mother tell him that your are bad, crazy and horrible? and now he allows her to involve your children as well? and you don't protect your children from this either? You and your husband could have put a stop to this anytime but for some reason neither of you choose to. Your biggest problem is your husband, not your MIL. I have adult sons and they wouldn't put up with 5 seconds of that from me. They do love me, as I love them, but they are loyal to their partners and that is how it should be. Your MIL only has the power to treat your family this way because you and your husband give her that power. Figure out why you are doing that and then maybe you can change it.

[Madame_Noire]

I fully expect that I'll be a mother-in-law from hell, too. Saying that, my hypothetical daughter-in-law would earn a lot of respect from me if she challenged me and put me in my place when I need it.

 

I have a lot to learn from my future daughter-in-law.

 

 

 

I encountered something like this with my MIL. She has a very strong and dominant personality. She said that everyone in her family just shows up to others houses unnanounced. She wears the trousers, very much a matriach. No one has ever challenged her before, they just let her get away with her behaviour for an easy and quiet life. What made me have to have a conversation with her was the fact she used to come by the house unnanounced and made my guests feel unwelcome and awkward because she would make the visit about her. She was passing by (she only lives 10 minutes away on foot). She also used to tell us how to decorate the house and where to put what piece of furniture. There was one occasion where she started painting our living room. So we completely rebelled and painted it in a bold, unconventional colour.

 

I had a diplomatic chat with her, she didn't like the fact that she was being 'pulled up' and just stormed off into another room ( we went to her house to have the chat). My OH and I left as she was no longer in the room. My OH said she will NEVER say sorry.

 

However, she always says to my other half that she sees me as a daughter she never had ( OH is an only child) and she now goes out of her way to buy me lavish gifts for my birthday and Christmas etc. The Christmas just gone she gave me a family heirloom that she has had for 40 years!

Edited February 28, 2016 by Madame_Noire

[blackbird_brokenwing]

OP are you being serious or are you pulling our leg? I've never seen another poster describe themselves to be as nasty and mean as you have described yourself while acting like the injured party. I wonder if maybe you are actually the daughter in law and you are here posing as your mother in law, in order to get validation for feeling like your mother in law is terrible. I have seen posters pose as other characters in their story before. I don't know why. Perhaps so they can show the responses to the person they have a beef with and say "see, even these strangers think you are terrible".

I actually thought this exact same thing. I can't imagine the OP to be aware enough to join a love/relationship forum and be able to post detailed exchanges with the daughter-in-law, but simultaneously be oblivious to what she is saying. I guess it's possible, but I don't really believe it.

 

Perhaps the daughter-in-law thought she would get responses more along the line of "it's a you said/she said thing" and "what role have you played?" etc. if she was honest about who she was. I don't know...

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess I just feel like she is trying to act morally superior to me and my daughter who do not reciprocate

 

My sister makes cards for everyone for special occasions.

She's also somewhat of an artist.

 

It's a small gesture to show she's thinking of us. I appreciate it.

 

It's not a "show YOU up" thing.

 

Not everything in life is a competition.

 

I have a Mother-In-Law who "helps" ........

 

By alienating EVERYONE!

 

judgmental constantly and constantly ibsering herself into things that aren't her business.

 

Take a cue, show some kindness, it isn't ALL ABOUT YOU.

 

I have TWO disabled siblings. Your daughter in law needs a helluva lot more respite than your daughter who makes some nice coin.

 

I absolutely loathe the way my mother's family treated her regarding my two disabled siblings. My grandfather is a multi-millionaire in the double digits and would even help get basic testing done for my siblings. So pathetic. Just treated them like 'throw-away children.'

 

Time to pay attention to your granddaughter and learn about passive- aggressive communication.

 

Google: passive-aggressive communication vs healthy communication

[dreamingoftigers]

This thread can't be real!

 

I want to know why you support the daughter with the "good job" and help her with child care when your other child is in greater financial need and has a

Special needs child who could probably use the help more?

 

No need to repeat what has been said other than I agree you are judgemental and rude and it's no wonder she doesn't like you.

 

No, this is basically my MIL (but mine has some other crazier stuff she does as well).

 

Truly, honestly, it is part of why my husband doesn't want to live in his hometown, which is a nice place with a warm-water lake in the summer with beaches. Rare in Canada.

 

He doesn't want her meddling in his life, criticizing his family and frankly I don't want her to heavily influence my daughter. I've seen her toxic influence on her children and other grandchildren. It's brutal. No thanks.

[Grumpybutfun]

Your son needs to stop allowing you to verbally abuse his wife. If you were my mother, our relationship would be over when you lectured us on how we need no help for a special needs kid while lavishing attention on my sibling's child due to something as shallow as a career.

I do hope you grow up soon,

Grumpy (Proud Grandfather, Father, and FIL to a great son my daughter chose.)

Edited March 1, 2016 by Grumpybutfun

[BettyDraper]

Based on behavior that I have noticed from my mother, my MIL and the OP, I believe that many women feel that they have every right to be nasty to their DILs just because they gave birth to their DIL's husbands. The level of entitlement and rudeness is breathtaking. MILs who are condescending and disrespectful are usually the first ones who are very upset when they have been so awful that their married children don't want anything to do with them.

 

OP, you owe your son and his wife a million apologies. It's sad that you value your children based on their career choices and salaries. The way your son and his wife raise their child is their business.

[BettyDraper]

there are just too many aggrieved dil's on here she is allowed to act however she wants and there is no requirement for her to be nice to anyone. she can judge, treat her poorly, etc. who cares. but if the dil doesn't come around, or if the son/grandkid don't come around.. she can't be upset. i think she did mention her and the dil were friendly initially and then it went downhill after the marriage

 

I would think that a basic human requirement is to be polite and respectful to others. Most people understand that unless there is some underlying issue such as a personality disorder or a developmental delay.

 

I believe that anyone is capable of changing if she really wants to. The fact that the OP is posting about her issues on a relationship forum shows some willingness to examine her behavior. I have seen many elderly adults become kinder and gentler as they age, because their years on this earth has given them some perspective and humility. They also did not want to die with important people in their life hating them.

[dreamingoftigers]

so in 25 YEARS you couldn't once have your own voice or stand up to another woman? and in 25 YEARS you never once did or said anything nasty towards her either? yeah... sure... easy to place blame, but there are always 2 people - minimum - in every story. and with a comment like 'can't wait until she's gone' it doesn't show any maturity on your part either... pot and kettle

 

In my case, we did stand up to her and she sulked and complains about us to whomever will listen.

 

Oh well. Doesn't change too much how I feel about her. Aside from the fact that I feel sorry for her, that no matter what she can't accept that other people will live their lives and it isn't all about her.

 

Her grandchild is a lesbian. So, too bad, so sad, she cut her out of everything. She cuts down people left and right. Tried to have a "family reunion" without inviting one specific sister and so forth. Then she whinges about how the grandkids don't want to hang out with her.

 

It isn't an age or generational thing. My grandmother is 92, 30 years older than my MIL and is way more tactiful, classy and well-mannered. Including not making "a thing" out of her own gay grandchild.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would think that a basic human requirement is to be polite and respectful to others. Most people understand that unless there is some underlying issue such as a personality disorder or a developmental delay.

 

I believe that anyone is capable of changing if she really wants to. The fact that the OP is posting about her issues on a relationship forum shows some willingness to examine her behavior. I have seen many elderly adults become kinder and gentler as they age, because their years on this earth has given them some perspective and humility. They also did not want to die with important people in their life hating them.

 

Yeah, I can't see the more difficult members of my family coming to a forum like this.

 

I would be shocked.

 

Good for the OP.

[Pastypop]

Why has your husband allowed this to go on for 25 yrs? Your problem is more with him than your MIL. For 25 yrs he has listened to his mother tell him that your are bad, crazy and horrible? and now he allows her to involve your children as well? and you don't protect your children from this either? You and your husband could have put a stop to this anytime but for some reason neither of you choose to. Your biggest problem is your husband, not your MIL. I have adult sons and they wouldn't put up with 5 seconds of that from me. They do love me, as I love them, but they are loyal to their partners and that is how it should be. Your MIL only has the power to treat your family this way because you and your husband give her that power. Figure out why you are doing that and then maybe you can change it.

 

Well, I think my husband enjoys watching them bully me because he certainly acts like a victim. Or maybe he's just a spineless coward. I'm not really sure but he refuses to acknowledge the issue and tells me and the kids that we are liars. On time at a family reunion, that old bitch told me that I must be a real disappointment to my mom in front of everybody. My husband heard it and just ingnored it. He always ignores her behavior and she does these things right in front of him. He doesn't care how much it hurts me. He feels like I need to be the one to reach out and show her what a wonderful person I am. I won't do it and haven't had anything to do with her since 2008.

 

This year, I went on a trip with a travel group and left him at home with the kids. That crazy family went into a tizzy and blocked me on Facebook, verbally and physically attacked my children and would not let them contact me. My son was even punished for taking up for me. Know one told me about any of this until I got home after another trip at Christmas. My SIL tried to concoct some story about me talking bad about them to my kids to justify their behavior. So that's when my kids finally started telling me about the abuse, harassment and bullying they were getting from his family while they would go visit. After I found out about all this I showed them my balls. I told the cousins and lying SILs that they were to never contact my kids again via my husband's email address. Her son contacted me on FB and sent a very mean message calling me crazy and a bad parent. I unloaded on him and filled him in on his parents behavior. He somehow found my work number and left a voicemail calling me a bitch. I turned this over to police who had a talk with him about harassment. I have not heard anything from them since. The MIL however; keeps calling and acts like nothing is wrong.

 

I started monitoring his communication to make sure he nor the kids communicate with her at all. Let her see what the silent treatment feels like. She called and left a message for him not to cut her out and that she was sorry if she did anything wrong. Wow, she has never apologized to me for anything she has ever done. It has been a horrible 25 years but I'm finally taking a stand and will not put up with it anymore. I will probably lose my marriage and maybe my kids but there is no reason for any this. She has always been this way because I wouldn't quit work and go to church. I feel really bad for my kids and plan to go to consuling to figure out how to transition them from all this. I just cannot get over how mean these people are to go after my marriage and my kids like that. They could care less about those kids if all they want to do is break up their family.

[SpiralOut]

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said innocently "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important".

 

Whether someone's home is clean or not has nothing to do with how important they think their child is, nor does it necessarily affect how good of a parent they are.

 

Another example of her possible dislike for me was when one time I asked her how her friend Barb was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Barb in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them".

 

If you said that to me I would be asking you to explain what you meant by your comment. It has nothing at all to do with the conversation.

 

I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me.

 

It might be a parents job to look after their child with special needs, but that doesn't mean not taking care of themselves. In fact, getting respite can allow her to be a better parent, because it allows her to recharge her batteries.

 

 

A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My suggestion was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does".

 

But just a few minutes ago you said that parents shouldn't be allowed to get respite because you think it is up to the parent - not someone else - to take care of their child. You are contradicting yourself. Also, it is not necessary to hire a live in nanny in order to be a good parent.

 

Another time I suggested to her not to tell other parents at her disabled child's support group that my granddaughter had a disability, because some of the other parents have kids with even worse disabilities.

 

The point of attending a disabled child's support group is for all the parents to talk to each other about their disabled children. Not being allowed to talk about it is just plain silly.

 

Another time I said to my granddaughter "you wouldn't be so lonely if you had a brother or sister, would you?"

 

What makes you think she is lonely? Unless she actually said that to you, you don't know if that's how she feels.

 

 

I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

I guess I just feel like she is trying to act morally superior to me and my daughter who do not reciprocate

 

Well, if you were my MIL I would be correcting you and pointing out to you how I think your opinions are flawed and incorrect. I would force you to explain some of your comments, and I would ask you questions that would make you feel uncomfortable. I would occasionally confront you, and you wouldn't like it very much.

 

If you want to improve the relationship, take some time to work on yourself. I think you feel threatened by your DIL, so you deal with it by looking down on her and finding something wrong with what she does so that you can feel better about yourself and your own choices. In other words, you have low self-esteem.

 

You are being passive-aggressive towards your DIL. Many of your comments are contradictory, presumptuous, and nonsensical. For example, you think it is okay for your daughter to receive help with her kid, but you don't want your DIL to get help with her kid because "parents should be responsible for their children." Okay. So according to YOU and what YOU think, your daughter must be a bad parent. You just insulted your own daughter. Do you see what I mean? You contradict yourself.

 

This tells me that you are not stating your true opinions. Rather, you are looking to find something wrong with what your DIL says or does. It doesn't matter if it is true or if it makes sense, so long as you get that jab in.... you want her to be wrong, and you want her to know that you think she's wrong.

 

I'm also wondering if it's possible that you feel some resentment or embarrassment about your own daughter but you don't want to admit it, so you take it out on your DIL instead. I only say that because you keep comparing the two of them to each other.

 

Your DIL sounds like a classy woman. She liked you until you started putting her down.... so none of this is her fault. Ask yourself why you started being so mean to her.

Edited March 1, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Robert]

Since the OP hasn't posted to this thread in 8 days, we'll close it up pending their return. They can have it reopened by using the 'Alert Us' button on this post.

 

~6