How to combat neediness?

February 25, 2016

First off, let me just say I fall in the same trap as you man. I'm 28 years old and currently struggle being too "needy" (well when I REALLY like a woman). I was just reading over the replies because I felt like this applies to me as well, but I also had a comment or two to make.

First off, I've only had one girl tell me "I sucked" in bed. If she had any respect for you at all she wouldn't talk to you like that, and instead offer constructive criticism instead. The same girl I'm talking about overall had a bad personality, and later found out she was truly a bad person. Honestly, that would be enough to make me run from her-big red flag.

As far as helping yourself and your neediness, I find that if I ever feel that way that is an indication that I am becoming lazy with my life. Never put your life on hold waiting for a girl. Like others said, hit the gym, go out with friends, pick up a new hobby so that you're focused on other things than just girls! I'm currently in the same situation with a girl-always checking my phone, acting wayyyyyy too available, and unfortunately I've pushed her away in a bit due to that. Yesterday, instead of sitting around I've been two a day workouts, and guess what...I'm less free to talk to her and all of a sudden I'm hearing from her more..just food for thought. Good luck. It happens. Get yourself out of that rut!

February 25, 2016

First off, let me just say I fall in the same trap as you man. I'm 28 years old and currently struggle being too "needy" (well when I REALLY like a woman). I was just reading over the replies because I felt like this applies to me as well, but I also had a comment or two to make.

First off, I've only had one girl tell me "I sucked" in bed. If she had any respect for you at all she wouldn't talk to you like that, and instead offer constructive criticism instead. The same girl I'm talking about overall had a bad personality, and later found out she was truly a bad person. Honestly, that would be enough to make me run from her-big red flag.

As far as helping yourself and your neediness, I find that if I ever feel that way that is an indication that I am becoming lazy with my life. Never put your life on hold waiting for a girl. Like others said, hit the gym, go out with friends, pick up a new hobby so that you're focused on other things than just girls! I'm currently in the same situation with a girl-always checking my phone, acting wayyyyyy too available, and unfortunately I've pushed her away in a bit due to that. Yesterday, instead of sitting around I've been two a day workouts, and guess what...I'm less free to talk to her and all of a sudden I'm hearing from her more..just food for thought. Good luck. It happens. Get yourself out of that rut!

I haven't heard a peep since Tuesday, don't expect to hear anything either! I liked her but what can you do...

February 25, 2016

Hit a bit of a nerve I must admit. Never had any complaints in the past

Did you ask her how it was or did she just volunteer that info? Cause if she just volunteered that, I think she sounds kinda....not nice. I mean, the first time you are with a person there is always a learning curve. To just come out and say something like that seems bitchy to me.

February 25, 2016

I'd love to turn into a Don Draper type mentality but I just don't think it is me

Eh, women may swoon over the TV character, but no woman of substance really wants that kind of selfish player. And no man of substance wants to BE one. You are better than that.

It's my view that a man who strives to be Don Draper keeps all his relationships sexual, superficial, and "multi" because he knows if any one woman got to know him deeply she'd see how screwed up he is.

February 25, 2016

Did you ask her how it was or did she just volunteer that info? Cause if she just volunteered that, I think she sounds kinda....not nice. I mean, the first time you are with a person there is always a learning curve. To just come out and say something like that seems bitchy to me.

No she stopped me and told me this, then we did it again and did it properly. Yeah that's what I said to her but the awkwardness of it all has seemed to turn her off which is annoying.

February 25, 2016

Eh, women may swoon over the TV character, but no woman of substance really wants that kind of selfish player. And no man of substance wants to BE one. You are better than that.

It's my view that a man who strives to be Don Draper keeps all his relationships sexual, superficial, and "multi" because he knows if any one woman got to know him deeply she'd see how screwed up he is.

I see your point, I just meant more in terms of being the guy girls love to chase, not the whole package kinda thing if that makes sense.

February 25, 2016

I would tell her that but she seems to have done a complete 180 since! She's a very stubborn person and told me that same night she doesn't get feelings for people.

This is the problem right here. You are sucked in by the indifferent/cold type of girl.

February 25, 2016

This is the problem right here. You are sucked in by the indifferent/cold type of girl.

I thought this was just something girls said to try play it cool? Surely everyone gets feeling you can't control them really. Maybe she's distant because she wants nothing serious? Yet she told me she doesn't just have sex with people (so confusing)

February 25, 2016

Eh, women may swoon over the TV character, but no woman of substance really wants that kind of selfish player. And no man of substance wants to BE one. You are better than that.

I don't know, or care, who 'Don Draper' is. But, I am fascinated to hear about this 'woman of substance' and 'man of substance'. Could you define them for us?

February 25, 2016

I don't know, or care, who 'Don Draper' is. But, I am fascinated to hear about this 'woman of substance' and 'man of substance'. Could you define them for us?

An honest man who does not need to acquire more and more "notches" on his bedpost in order to feel like a man. A man who has the emotional depth to commit to someone. A man who does not see all of life as a "what's in it for me" experiment. A man who is not using the female population as some way to get revenge against the queen bee who rejected him in high school. A man who only has the fluid of one woman at a time in his body. That is a man of substance. A man who is willing to give and not just take. A man whose worth comes from himself and not the string of ladies he leaves in his wake.

A woman of substance is much the same.

February 25, 2016

An honest man who does not need to acquire more and more "notches" on his bedpost in order to feel like a man. A man who has the emotional depth to commit to someone. A man who does not see all of life as a "what's in it for me" experiment. A man who is not using the female population as some way to get revenge against the queen bee who rejected him in high school. A man who only has the fluid of one woman at a time in his body. That is a man of substance. A man who is willing to give and not just take. A man whose worth comes from himself and not the string of ladies he leaves in his wake.

A woman of substance is much the same.

Do you think that multi-dating is the antithesis of the above?

February 25, 2016

I don't often get feelings for girls, but when I do I find myself diving in head first a lot of the time. I try my best to keep calm and cool about it but I end up showing signs of over eagerness. How does on go about changing their mentality?

I slept with a girl last night i had been speaking to since Christmas, she said the sex was bad, not the actual sex but my 'build up'. She has been very quiet today and I fear she's lost interest in me for that reason, deposite telling me she really liked me prior. Again, this is displaying neediness as I am currently checking my phone constantly hoping for a reply. Any advice on how to develop a care free attitude?

I am currently at work but it is quiet on a Sunday therefore I have a lot of time to think which is annoying me. I'm also 23 in case that is of any relevance.

It sounds like you expect girls to fill a void in your life. That's not a healthy outlook, even if you get into a relationship it can breed resentment. Women aren't there to validate you, you validate you and they can either hop on or GTFO. What do you do for a career?

I don't blame you for being desperate after a comment like that....sounds to me you need to work on your confidence, and your *ahem* skills.

Rule of thumb OP. Always listen to Smackie.

February 25, 2016

A man with options is a man without need.

Which is also a man many woman are happy to forgo. Who really wants to be with someone who doesn't need you because they have other options? Only women with low self esteem, that's who.

February 25, 2016

Do you think that multi-dating is the antithesis of the above?

This is only my opinion:

Multi-going out to dinner, hanging out, going places? No. That is called getting to know people. Of course, if is lasts for months with 5 people at once, it's suspect.

Multi-sleeping with 3 or 4 women? Yeah. Trashy, scummy, selfish, and probably covering some sort of personal inadequacy by trying to be a "stud."

February 25, 2016

I thought this was just something girls said to try play it cool? Surely everyone gets feeling you can't control them really. Maybe she's distant because she wants nothing serious? Yet she told me she doesn't just have sex with people (so confusing)

No, a lot of people are emotionally closed off and they take various measures to stay so. They withdraw, they cheat, they intentionally look for fault.

Your woman-picker is broken. You need to fix it then you won't feel needy

February 25, 2016

Well, flip that around, and if some guy said that to me, I wouldn't ever want to hear from them again. That's pretty rude. I mean, first time, too. C'mon. Did she actually say that or did she just not get off? There's a big difference, especially first time.

February 25, 2016

This is only my opinion:

Multi-going out to dinner, hanging out, going places? No. That is called getting to know people. Of course, if is lasts for months with 5 people at once, it's suspect.

Multi-sleeping with 3 or 4 women? Yeah. Trashy, scummy, selfish, and probably covering some sort of personal inadequacy by trying to be a "stud."

That's a lot of interesting adjectives. You are, of course, entitled to your opinion. I'm just interested in where such extreme distaste is coming from.

I see nothing wrong with having sex.

In my experience, the people who try to put down sex as something ignoble, are typically jealous that they aren't getting any, and therefore try to claim some nobility in an effort to retain their ego. It reminds me of one of the laws of power: Law Of Power #36: Disdain the things you cannot have.

There's a rigidity about your thinking that I don't like. I don't think it bears resemblance to the complexities of life. For example:

“An honest man who does not need to acquire more and more "notches" on his bedpost in order to feel like a man “

There is so much wrong with this quote. First, I don't lie to women. Second, I care so little for 'counting notches' that I'm not exactly sure of my 'notch count'. Finally, It's not about 'feeling like a man': that's narcissistic supply, and pathetic. Sometimes I just want to be single for months at a time, and won't date anybody. I don't always want the hassle of dating. Like I've said before, If you can't be happy alone, you can't be happy.

“A man who has the emotional depth to commit to someone.”

I had a girlfriend as recently as last September. I've had a relationship that lasted years that started through multi-dating. I think you're getting 'someone' confused with 'anyone' in your quote. One implies a healthy emotional availability and selectiveness, the other implies desperation.

“A man who does not see all of life as a "what's in it for me" experiment “

A man must approach life from a solipsistic position. I am certain of it. Lest his approach be that of the so called 'nice-guy' who thinks that by doing nice things he will receive nice things. If you don't put yourself first, who will?

Still your quote suggests a man that is standing still and expecting to get something for nothing. That is a lazy and ineffective attitude. If you knew how pro-active a multi-dater must be, and how much value they must give, perhaps you would change your attitude. No woman is going to want to spend any time with a man that isn't enriching her life. Thinking otherwise tells me that you don't understand women.

“A man who is not using the female population as some way to get revenge against the queen bee who rejected him in high school. “

Don't get you on this one. Didn't make much effort with girls in high school. They typically had to work hard to get my attention, because I was too busy playing football and getting up to mischief. Never actually started to make an effort to approach until I was 16 and 17 and trying to get into pubs and clubs. Maybe some people are scarred over high-school. I had a great time.

“A man who only has the fluid of one woman at a time in his body “

'Fluids'? Next you'll be calling it 'fornication' and telling me how sinful I am. Not bothered.

Judging from your rigid mindset, your interesting diction of shaming language, and reluctance to entertain a novel concept, I'm going to guess that you are a traditionalist?

You can look down your nose at multi-dating if you like - it changes nothing. But to write it off as 'impure' or whatever is, frankly, kind of lazy.

February 25, 2016

Which is also a man many woman are happy to forgo. Who really wants to be with someone who doesn't need you because they have other options? Only women with low self esteem, that's who.

There are many threads of women that are perturbed by men who bring up exclusivity, or other miscellaneous relationship talk early. So I guess you want a guy to be just the right amount of needy?

There's a difference between a want and a need. If you are looking for a guy that needs you from the start, then a strong independent man is not for you, and that would be based on your own insecurity/need for security.

February 26, 2016

It sounds like you expect girls to fill a void in your life. That's not a healthy outlook, even if you get into a relationship it can breed resentment. Women aren't there to validate you, you validate you and they can either hop on or GTFO. What do you do for a career?

Rule of thumb OP. Always listen to Smackie.

Perhaps I have in this regard yes, but I still think I have a legit reason to be annoyed for her going distant. She wanted a relationship, but now has changed her mind completely.

February 26, 2016

Which is also a man many woman are happy to forgo. Who really wants to be with someone who doesn't need you because they have other options? Only women with low self esteem, that's who.

I think many woman would understand a man might have a lot of options in the beginning, and same for women with men. If it was a few months down line I'd agree with you.

February 26, 2016

No, a lot of people are emotionally closed off and they take various measures to stay so. They withdraw, they cheat, they intentionally look for fault.

Your woman-picker is broken. You need to fix it then you won't feel needy

Perhaps yeah, it's a shame as she was a nice girl and we had a lot in common; oh well.

February 26, 2016

Sent me a snapchat last night but I didn't reply, was just a general one so wasn't much to say to it. All I wanna do is speak to her but I know I shouldn't.

February 26, 2016

I don't blame you for being desperate after a comment like that....sounds to me you need to work on your confidence, and your *ahem* skills.

It takes two to tango...

February 26, 2016

I think many woman would understand a man might have a lot of options in the beginning, and same for women with men. If it was a few months down line I'd agree with you.

I think this sums it up. In the beginning, there is no need to be all rigid about exclusivity. The first few dates in, it is all about finding the chemistry and getting to know each other. Of COURSE people are exploring options.

BUT, once the clothes come off, I am not a fan of being naked with multiple people. The idea of a man putting his penis in this vagina Thursday, and that one Friday, and another one Saturday....I'm sorry. That's just....ick to me. I guess if the women know they are swapping said penis back and forth and are fine with it, then no problem.

For the record, I LOVE sex, and there aren't too many things that are off the table with me But with ONE man...not a whole "harem."

I'd be interested to hear from a man who actually told all the women he dates, "I'm going to be sleeping with you AND these 4 others," and got really positive reactions....

February 26, 2016

Judging from your rigid mindset, your interesting diction of shaming language, and reluctance to entertain a novel concept, I'm going to guess that you are a traditionalist?

You can look down your nose at multi-dating if you like - it changes nothing. But to write it off as 'impure' or whatever is, frankly, kind of lazy.

I think she was suggesting that multi-dating, as in, going on a few dates with a few different people until you find the person you want to be in a relationship with, is one thing.

While, multi-dating as in, sleeping with several different people who think that you're in monogamous relationships with each of them, is a totally different thing.

One is honest and open, the other is dishonest.

My opinion? Neither version of multi-dating is "wrong", so long as the people involved are honest with each other.

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