LovelyLucy229 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Hi All, Please bear with, I know this will probably be a long read, but want to provide all background to collect thoughts/opinions. Thanks! My ex and myself were together for 12 years, since I was 18 and he was 22. Never married, but always lived together and was like we were married. We have two kids (10 & 7). The relationship after the first 3 years was pretty much horrible. He was very abusive (verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically) and also cheated more than once. I stayed though because of course I loved him and thought he would change, didn't want to break up the family etc, etc. After the first 3-4 years he NEVER worked, it was always all on my to take care of everything. So that is a summary of our background. So from the time I met my ex, John, he was best friends with Matt. Matt was also with John's cousin, Mary; and they had a baby together also. Me, John, and Matt always spent a lot of time together. When John would want to leave me to go hang out with his friends(also to go cheat which I found out a little later), he would have Matt hang out with me and keep me company; ALWAYS LEAVING US ALONE TOGETHER. So me and Matt spent a lot of time together. We became really good friends and always got along so well, better than John and me ever did. It never became romantic or sexual, and we never were anything but friends. I will admit there was a mutual attraction there, but one that neither of us ever acted on. Also, around the same time this was going on, Matt found out that Mary was cheating on him and they broke up. Then we all ended up going on a family trip for a birthday celebration, not just us but all of John and Mary's family. Even though Matt was not with Mary anymore he still came too. One night, we were all out at a club and John got mad and left me there. He then called me and we were arguing and he told me that I better take a Taxi back to the hotel right now. I told him I wasn't taking the taxi, that Matt was going to drive us back. So we get back to the hotel, and John and Mary and some of their other cousins are there all waiting, and Mary starts accusing me and Matt of going and having sex in the car on the drive back to the hotel! Not true at all. So that was a whole big argument/ordeal. The next day it's time to go back home, we go back home and John does not come home for DAYS. I knew he was with his ex because I had previously found out he had been talking to her thru phone records, and I drove by her house and he was there. I left him after that and moved out of our apartment. He continued seeing his ex. During this time Matt and I were still friends and he ended up telling me he knew what John had been doing, and he had been seeing his ex for a long time, but never told me because John was his best friend. He told me I deserved to know now though, and that he felt bad for me, and that also he was mad that Mary/John had accused him of sleeping with me. So me and John were broken up for about 4 months, during that time Matt and I stayed really good friends and hung out all the time. He was really nice to my son and we were doing everything together, but never took anything to the next level. Stupidly, I got back with my ex after those 4 months. He had never talked to Matt again, and he wanted me to not talk to him at all either. So I agreed and cut Matt off, never spoke to him again. Me and John were together 8 more years after that. We had our second child too. During those 8 years is when he became even more physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. He would constantly accuse me of cheating on him, and going behind his back to talk to Matt, which never happened. I eventually found out that he was cheating on me again with the ex, this kind of stuff happened multiple times. Then in July 2015 I just had finally had enough, after years and years of cheating and abuse, I left John for good. He had not been working for years and I knew he was on drugs. He begs and begs for me to get back with him but I tell him no, that I will never be with him again. He would follow me around for awhile and still now, after being broke up for 7 months constantly harasses me. A few days ago, Matt messaged me on a dating website we both happened to be on. I had not talked to him in 7 YEARS! I was so surprised, but happy too. We immediately talked for hours and met up the same day. It's like we never stopped talking/being friends. It feels so natural and now could see it being more than friends, but in the back of my head I somehow feel like it is wrong, even though we never did anything wrong! During mine and John's relationship, John would mention ALL the time how much he still hates Matt. My question is, is it wrong for me to continue to see Matt and try for a romantic relationship after everything that has gone on? Matt doesn't care what anyone thinks. But I know that John will FLIP out, and probably try to hurt us both. Please tell me your thoughts
thecrucible Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm sorry to hear about all that you've been through. It's not wrong for you to date Matt if you like him but you must be worried about the potential for John to come back into your life since Matt had a child with Mary who is part of John's family. I guess this is the type of thing when you balance the risk. Personally I would try and make a fresh start with someone completely and out of that circle in order to move on. It would lessen the chances of bumping into John again.
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