Left him twice but heartbroken and feel like the dumpee

February 21, 2016

Been reading the forums for awhile and thank you to everyone that shares your experiences. I will try to keep this short.

Had a very amicable divorce few years back and moved across the country for a great job opportunity. Almost immediately met an amazing man. It was the love story you hear about. Immediate chemistry, crazy connection, like we've known each other forever. I came from a loveless sexless marriage so I was overwhelmed emotionally and physically from the intensity of our relationship. I couldn't get enough of him.

Fast forward 2 years - the red flags emerged (they were always there I just ignored them.) He's a retired military general with some serious dark memories. Drinks too much, avoidant personality, emotional issues from childhood, opposing communication styles. The more I pushed the more he retreated, to the point where I became needy and desperate and he became annoyed and aloof. I started to not recognize myself - crying and anxiety every day, worrying about where this was going. An endless cycle of unhealthy behaviors. So I ended the relationship. I felt like I had no choice and he didn't argue. I immediately went no contact. I was devastated and threw myself into counseling to try and figure out how and why i lost myself in this relationship.

Exactly 90 days later he returned. Said he missed and loved me and recognized his issues and is willing to change. Said he stopped drinking, recognized his avoidant patterns and will do whatever it takes to make this work. Believe the actions not the words right. I took him back. We had an amazing, intense, practically perfect 2 months. Even looked at houses together downtown and talked about getting married in Vancouver over the summer. Can anyone guess what happens next? All the old patterns started to slowly emerge - the drinking, the aloofness, the pulling away. When I questioned him about it he got immediately defensive and turned it around on me that nothing was good enough for me and no matter what he does I'll never be happy and some other not so nice words. So I ended it again. For good this time. Asked him to never contact me again and started the NC process over.

Once again, I'm heartbroken and devastated. How can two people love each other so much and not be able to make it work? I keep having What If thoughts, did I pull the trigger too soon, what if I made a mistake, what if I regret it the rest of my life and never meet anyone I feel this way about?

Looking for opinions and support.

Thank you.

February 21, 2016

I relate to your situation especially when you were explaining the red flags. I experienced the exact same things. THe more I pushed, he withdrew. The more he withdrew, the more needy I became. The more I was desperate and needy, the more annoyed with me. I wanted to end the relationship but held on. He ended up ending the relationship. Neither one of us put up a fight. He let me walk right on out of there. I am left devastated and I am asking the same questions that you are asking yourself. How can two people who love eachother not make it work? I'm sure there are people who will beg to differ about hi loving me, but I did feel he was committed to making things work and that is why I stayed. So far, I haven't been able to answer that question because I have always believed that love can conquer anything. If you truly love someone, you compromise, you sacrifice, you do whatever you can do to make things right.

I think this man has other emotional issues and that it why the two of you have friction. You are standing up for what is right and he can't seem to control some of his habits. You can not change him, he has to want to change those things for himself. I don't think it is you. It is him. You are scared and that is why you are quick to end things and run. You are smart. Did you make the right decision? No one knows, but I think you did make a smart decision providing the circumstances.

Edited February 21, 2016 by ksol9

February 21, 2016

"The one who cares the least, controls the most."

February 21, 2016

"The one who cares the least, controls the most."

Tara, I've read this quote before, I guess I need to understand how it pertains. It really seemed like he cared, he loved me, he tried. Are you saying he didn't try hard enough or I didn't compromise enough?

February 21, 2016

He cared more about himself than he did about you.

If he had cared about you more, he would have made more effort.

He cared less.

You gave more.

Ergo, the imbalance.

February 21, 2016

Drinks too much, avoidant personality, emotional issues from childhood, opposing communication styles. The more I pushed the more he retreated, to the point where I became needy and desperate and he became annoyed and aloof. I started to not recognize myself

All the old patterns started to slowly emerge - the drinking, the aloofness, the pulling away. When I questioned him about it he got immediately defensive and turned it around on me that nothing was good enough for me and no matter what he does I'll never be happy and some other not so nice words.

How can two people love each other so much and not be able to make it work?

I have to question the definition of love. Through all that dysfunction, I have to wonder if this man was emotionally invested in a healthy way. Sounds like he was on his best behavior during the honeymoon period, and then his true nature came through once the relationship was solidified. Who he really is, is the guy that gaslights, drinks too much, is avoidant, emotionally stunted and is a bad communicator. It's hard to find love through all that dysfunction rather more so a toxic attachment.

I keep having What If thoughts, did I pull the trigger too soon, what if I made a mistake, what if I regret it the rest of my life and never meet anyone I feel this way about?

You did the right thing. You're afraid you'll never meet someone that crippled you in the relationship? Someone that made you lose yourself? Think about what you're saying. It's not rational.

February 22, 2016

I have to question the definition of love. Through all that dysfunction, I have to wonder if this man was emotionally invested in a healthy way. Sounds like he was on his best behavior during the honeymoon period, and then his true nature came through once the relationship was solidified. Who he really is, is the guy that gaslights, drinks too much, is avoidant, emotionally stunted and is a bad communicator. It's hard to find love through all that dysfunction rather more so a toxic attachment.

You did the right thing. You're afraid you'll never meet someone that crippled you in the relationship? Someone that made you lose yourself? Think about what you're saying. It's not rational.

Zahara, wow. Thank you for this. It's eye opening, especially when my emotions are in a direct battle with logic. I had to google what Gaslighting was. Again, eye opening. That happened a lot. Subtly, but certainly.

Thank you.

February 22, 2016

Zahara, wow. Thank you for this. It's eye opening, especially when my emotions are in a direct battle with logic. I had to google what Gaslighting was. Again, eye opening. That happened a lot. Subtly, but certainly.
Thank you.

I agree with this, because the good or beneficial relationships really bring out the best of ourselves. In other words, if you are with a partner, gf, bf, whatever you name it if at some point the relationship dynamic or their actions start causing you to act like you cannot even recognize yourself anymore doesn't bring up the best in you.

Remember the days where you could just be yourself with someone and how good that felt?

February 22, 2016

Lots of times people are left confused because they can't figure out how the other person could love them but not make it work. The reason is because they didn't love you. They might say they did to soften the blow, say it when they are feeling lonely after you left, or say it to get you back, but when you end up breaking up because of a situation like the OP, he didn't love you or at least not enough to make it work.

February 22, 2016

How do you knock them off the pedestal and atom romaticisizing the relationship? I have tried making lists and reading them throughout the day but the only thoughts going through my mind are the happy times and amazing feelings.

February 29, 2016

4 weeks. 4 weeks of no contact. And I feel no better then when I started. I'm overcome with sadness, grief, regret and what ifs.

I'm in counceling, in going to the gym, I'm hanging out with friends. I just get no joy out of any of it and everything reminds me of him and the plans we had. I can't make sense of any of this.

February 29, 2016

Hi im

Three weeks in. 8 days of no contact. All I can say is I emphasise ... It's so tough. Feel exactly the same way you do.

From the uk and wish I was anywhere else but here

March 1, 2016

It's really difficult, and such an agonizingly slow process (getting over it). My STBX and I split up in April of last year and I'm still having issues with it. And as for the gaslighting, that is EXACTLY what my STBX did and has done up to when I last communicated with her (60 days NC).

I have to say that most of the last 10 months I was preoccupied with my health and was in and out of hospitals from gastrointestinal surgeries about half that time. It's only been over the last 60 days or so that I've healed enough physically where my mind has turned towards "what if?".

All in all it is a very difficult path to follow, but it does get a tiny bit better every single day. I have a lot of hurdles to overcome and my self worth right now is lingering near the bottom because I have no job, no car, no place of my own, and no money. All I have/own is a fairly expensive computer and monitor so that (hopefully) some day I will once again be hired as a writer, which is my profession.

Anyway, I've rambled enough, and don't even know if I actually contributed anything. But I do wish you well, and it sounds to me like he is/was the one with the problems. He just showed his true colors once the honeymoon was over, on both occasions.

Be well, and stay strong. You and all of the others struggling through things like this are in my thoughts and prayers.

March 1, 2016

If he's a retired general, then you're both older. You get feedback from the time that you're young to the time that you're older. You choose every day to be who you are. At some point, after a lot of time goes on and your patterns become set, that's who you are.

Neither of you will change. He will be what he is, and you will need what you need. You might be able to shave some things around the edges, but at your cores, when you get comfortable, by now, you are who you are.

He ain't never gonna change. You know that, which is why you left. That's all the sense you can make out of it, and in the end, that's all the sense that you need to make out of it. Love isn't enough, it never is. People need more to sustain them on the day to day. If love's all you've got, you are going to be one miserable SOB, and things are not likely to stay the way they are for very long. Too unrewarding and very painful.

It's really a pretty remarkable thing to find two people who are compatible AND who love each other. Hang in there.

March 1, 2016

If he's a retired general, then you're both older. You get feedback from the time that you're young to the time that you're older. You choose every day to be who you are. At some point, after a lot of time goes on and your patterns become set, that's who you are.

Neither of you will change. He will be what he is, and you will need what you need. You might be able to shave some things around the edges, but at your cores, when you get comfortable, by now, you are who you are.

He ain't never gonna change. You know that, which is why you left. That's all the sense you can make out of it, and in the end, that's all the sense that you need to make out of it. Love isn't enough, it never is. People need more to sustain them on the day to day. If love's all you've got, you are going to be one miserable SOB, and things are not likely to stay the way they are for very long. Too unrewarding and very painful.

It's really a pretty remarkable thing to find two people who are compatible AND who love each other. Hang in there.

MightyCPA, thank you for this. I'm 44 and he's 48, if that helps. Seems so silly writing that out, as I am a grown woman acting like a lovesick teenager.

The one thing I will question/ask from your response is, is it not possible for me to change either? I want to make better choices, I want to engage in healthy relationship behavior that isn't based on need or love addiction or codependency. I want to recognize red flags early and trust my gut to leave and stay away. Sounds like you're saying that is extremely difficult or almost impossible?

March 1, 2016

MightyCPA, thank you for this. I'm 44 and he's 48, if that helps. Seems so silly writing that out, as I am a grown woman acting like a lovesick teenager.
The one thing I will question/ask from your response is, is it not possible for me to change either? I want to make better choices, I want to engage in healthy relationship behavior that isn't based on need or love addiction or codependency. I want to recognize red flags early and trust my gut to leave and stay away. Sounds like you're saying that is extremely difficult or almost impossible?

The first way to effect change, is to want to effect that change.

And the desire to change must come from, and be within that person.

And the person has to recognise that, and be willing to put in that effort.

Nobody else can do it for them, and no matter how many times others may point it out, until the person truly sees it for themselves, then there will be no permanent and effective change.

March 1, 2016

The first way to effect change, is to want to effect that change.

And the desire to change must come from, and be within that person.
And the person has to recognise that, and be willing to put in that effort.

Nobody else can do it for them, and no matter how many times others may point it out, until the person truly sees it for themselves, then there will be no permanent and effective change.

This is spot on. People can change at any age. I get tired of hearing that someone that is older is who he/she is and that's it. "they aren't going to change". That's not true. Like you said, if you have good self awareness and aren't doing it to please someone other than yourself, then it can be done. Do it for yourself to make you a better person. People that are complacent are who they are and rarely can make a noticeable change.

March 13, 2016

It's been 5 weeks of no contact. It's still so very difficult. Some days I think I'm feeling marginally better. Then I hear a song or see a car or think of an event and it starts the reminiscing and obsessive thoughts over again. And I feel like I'm right back at square one.

I had a distant colleague at work ask me out for coffee and I thought it would be a good idea to just have some nice casual conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Even though it was just coffee I was miserable and it threw me in a total tailspin. Just reminded me of my ex and the first time we had coffee and then just brought back doubts and what ifs and fear that I will never find a connection like I had with my ex.

Ugh this all just sucks and time seems at a standstill.

Thanks for reading.

March 13, 2016

It's been 5 weeks of no contact. It's still so very difficult. Some days I think I'm feeling marginally better. Then I hear a song or see a car or think of an event and it starts the reminiscing and obsessive thoughts over again. And I feel like I'm right back at square one.
I had a distant colleague at work ask me out for coffee and I thought it would be a good idea to just have some nice casual conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Even though it was just coffee I was miserable and it threw me in a total tailspin. Just reminded me of my ex and the first time we had coffee and then just brought back doubts and what ifs and fear that I will never find a connection like I had with my ex.
Ugh this all just sucks and time seems at a standstill.
Thanks for reading.

OP, things will get better.... Trust that.

However, things will get better after you have grieved a bit. Grieving time frames are different for us all. Some of us in here have grieved for a month, a year and some people over a year. I think it also depends on how long your relationship lasted and how the relationship was in general. There are many intangibles that we many never know about everyone's relationships.

The fact that you're having these emotions and discussing them is normal. I firmly believe that when we resist the natural course of grieving, we delay the healing process.

So cry, talk to us, write, listen to music that may bring out further emotion, if that helps. Talk to people who can be objective as possible.I had to seek out therapy because coping with my breakup+work+a death+family was just overwhelming. And even though my family and friends love me, I don't want to burden them with the same old issue... There's nothing worse than someone listening to you then they end up telling you something like "look, you need to get over it...", all because they're tired of listening to you or know that there's nothing they can do to make your pain go away... That hurts and has happened to me. It made me feel 10 times worse and caused me to question everything about myself, rather than just the toxic relationship that was bad for me.

Give yourself a certain amount of time during the days to grieve. Always be GOOD to yourself... Set boundaries for yourself, respectfully but firmly. Hopefully posting in here helps you feel better and helps you see that you're not crazy... There are many relationships that end like yours.

You have the right to feel the way you do. Own it , process things in CHUNKS and eventually let go of the negativity energy caused by your last relationship. Then you can gradually start to move on. It DOES NOT happen overnight.

~Peace and light

March 21, 2016

Just writing here weekly more as a check in and so that I keep up my NC resolve. 6.5 weeks of NC. Crying is a little less, obsessive thoughts are slightly subsiding. Life still feels very blah and like I'm just going through the motions. I just can't get logic (this was a toxic relationship) to marry up with emotion (I miss him so very much.)

March 21, 2016

Been reading the forums for awhile and thank you to everyone that shares your experiences. I will try to keep this short.
Had a very amicable divorce few years back and moved across the country for a great job opportunity. Almost immediately met an amazing man. It was the love story you hear about. Immediate chemistry, crazy connection, like we've known each other forever. I came from a loveless sexless marriage so I was overwhelmed emotionally and physically from the intensity of our relationship. I couldn't get enough of him.

Fast forward 2 years - the red flags emerged (they were always there I just ignored them.) He's a retired military general with some serious dark memories. Drinks too much, avoidant personality, emotional issues from childhood, opposing communication styles. The more I pushed the more he retreated, to the point where I became needy and desperate and he became annoyed and aloof. I started to not recognize myself - crying and anxiety every day, worrying about where this was going. An endless cycle of unhealthy behaviors. So I ended the relationship. I felt like I had no choice and he didn't argue. I immediately went no contact. I was devastated and threw myself into counseling to try and figure out how and why i lost myself in this relationship.

Exactly 90 days later he returned. Said he missed and loved me and recognized his issues and is willing to change. Said he stopped drinking, recognized his avoidant patterns and will do whatever it takes to make this work. Believe the actions not the words right. I took him back. We had an amazing, intense, practically perfect 2 months. Even looked at houses together downtown and talked about getting married in Vancouver over the summer. Can anyone guess what happens next? All the old patterns started to slowly emerge - the drinking, the aloofness, the pulling away. When I questioned him about it he got immediately defensive and turned it around on me that nothing was good enough for me and no matter what he does I'll never be happy and some other not so nice words. So I ended it again. For good this time. Asked him to never contact me again and started the NC process over.

Once again, I'm heartbroken and devastated. How can two people love each other so much and not be able to make it work? I keep having What If thoughts, did I pull the trigger too soon, what if I made a mistake, what if I regret it the rest of my life and never meet anyone I feel this way about?

Looking for opinions and support.

Thank you.

Maybe I can help you speaking a little from his perspective and my current situation. I'm a retired Marine, did 9 combat tours total and 11 deployments where I was exposed to other types of serious trauma i.e. a genocide.

I have severe PTSD and grew up with an abusive father which I now think was where my PTSD started. I was actually abusive mostly verbally with some physical shoving in my current relationship. It's been a real struggle to adjust back to civilian life. I many times feel like I can't relate to anyone unless they are some type of veteran or experienced some serious trauma in their lives.

I cut out the heavy drinking early once I was diagnosed but I still get drunk every now and then when I go out.

I have been going through treatment for 5 or so months for the PTSD most vets with PTSD also score high in the BPD spectrum but it's not to be confused as PTSD symptoms just resemble BPD symptoms.

My current since I became abusive would do the opposite of your and would withdraw when I withdrew then I would become abusive due to her pushing me away.

We now are still together living in Separate places which I think is best while I'm going through treatment and adjusting to medications for sleep and anxiety.

PTSD is very tough, one thing you have to do is separate him from whatever he is going through to prevent resentment. Although my relationship is still very shaky my girlfriend did a lot of research on my condition and we do talk about it.

Not sure what his mentality is but I really got tired of the self medicating, no sleep, dreams, anger and depression and I wanted help desperately. Not all my brothers are the same unfortunately.

Best thing my girlfriend did was move out and kept reassuring me it was not over and she needed me to get help. I struggle sometimes to believe her but I try hard to trust she has good intentions.

Going hot and cold is something she does with me which sometimes exacerbates me emotionally but I was also abusive so I expect that until I have some time to show her my treatment & meds are working and I'm sleeping and taking care of myself again.

Sometimes people forget that it's lonely on both ends being the spouse of someone suffering and being the person suffering.

I'm not at the point where I feel comfortable opening up with my SO about my experiences but I do now know that is not important and understand it's how I understand and process those experiences. You have to understand that as well with your guy. He does not communicate these things because it's hard and mentally draining.

Different things work for different people so there is no one size fits all solution. I have to monitor my drinking, take my meds daily, (I take a sleeping pill even if I'm tired just to stay asleep) I stay active and work hard or my whole day falls apart. It's a day to day struggle. You have to literally live day to day.

If he is not willing to get help for himself I'm afraid it's not going to ever work out.

Also if you could even convince him to do it for you at least for the extra push that can help. I don't by the you gotta want it for you approach I needed a push when I was at my worst and after I started getting help and started getting some relief I would quit treatment and meds and cycle back to self medicating and abusive behaviors. after enough pushes I eventually got so frustrated I began to want help for myself.

March 21, 2016

I see some of the traits in my ex, he was emotionless and wouldn't talk about any problems... He manipulated me into ending it and will not speak to me now because on my actions...

I was never going to win? I was also a use did been needy it was never anything to do with his lack of love affection or communication for me.

I too lost my self and have begged for him back for 10 weeks I'm so glad I have found this forum because it's saved me from wanting to keep texting him how I feel ... Iv had 10 weeks of having to keep everything in and blaming my self for it ending only to realise it's what he wanted all along he's just a coward and Iv looked desperate and guess what needy just like he said I was.

This is damaging behaviour and I'm starting to wonder if their is something wrong with people that with hold their love and not speak to you in a relationship it's not normal behaviour and the more I post on here it's become clearer to me especially when I here you story as its similar to mine although he hasn't ever contacted me to come back it's been me begging him and I too am 39 and feel humiliated

March 21, 2016

Marine guy

It's nice that your girlfriend is staying by your side and is looking into your condition it shows that's he does care for you.

I wish you well, I have suffered PTSD due to abusive relationships when I was 16 and he was my first ever boyfriend ..it took me 10 years before I could find some peace it left me in a terrible state I was 26 before I started to feel ok

Still to this day at 39 I blame that relationship for some of my problems because I was fine before that it was only 6 months I endured but it was terrifying ordeal for someone of my age to go through and I felt completely abandoned by my parents and the police in the process.

He ended up been sectioned and I had to move away for a while we have spoke since through fb and he apologised but it's something that will never leave me

March 23, 2016

Marine guy

It's nice that your girlfriend is staying by your side and is looking into your condition it shows that's he does care for you.

I wish you well, I have suffered PTSD due to abusive relationships when I was 16 and he was my first ever boyfriend ..it took me 10 years before I could find some peace it left me in a terrible state I was 26 before I started to feel ok

Still to this day at 39 I blame that relationship for some of my problems because I was fine before that it was only 6 months I endured but it was terrifying ordeal for someone of my age to go through and I felt completely abandoned by my parents and the police in the process.

He ended up been sectioned and I had to move away for a while we have spoke since through fb and he apologised but it's something that will never leave me

First off if you both love each other you need to be in support of each other or it's a one sided relationship.

First thing I had to do is stop blaming my past for my present situation or condition. Yes it did change me but I can't blame it.

When you blame things you give them power. It's hard but part of having a condition where reliving the past creates serious spikes in all kinds of emotions and it's 2nd nature you really have to work harder than normal people to take responsibility for acting on those spikes of emotions.

Being an abuser with PTSD I can tell you it's hard to walk away, breath, and or communicate to your SO I'm having a emotional spike I need to step back because everything in my body says kill or attack verbally or physically.

My condition is severe enough I have to get treatment and meds to keep me relaxed some people can adjust without.

My girlfriend realized early and forced herself to see all the good in me. To me that (overtime) meant I needed to do the same for her even if my perception of the bad about her did not make sense.

I guess that is love in some sense, I'm aware of my abusive tendencies and through treatment meds and using some other coping skills it's getting better everyday and she is slowly recovering and getting better everyday.

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Left him twice but heartbroken and feel like the dumpee

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