VonLagos Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 My ex boyfriend broke up with me on 13th February. I am still partly in love with him and at the time it happened I was completely in shock. It is a complicated story but what I am struggling with the most is that it was over so quickly. I worry about him for several reasons: We work together and hit it off on staff night out. We had a passionate relationship and we were very happy together. At the start of the Autumn (Oct/Nov) he started to become less and less motivated to do anything in the holidays and weekends. He seemed fed up with work and some days he would struggled to get out of bed. We had regular, exciting sex and on a few occasions he would struggle to get "in the mood". He said it was because he was over thinking it and that he'd built it all up in his head. We spoke about it and I reassured him that it was ok and I wasn't worried about it. That happened once a month or so but we were always affectionate and tactile instead. One day into half term holiday in October/November, he wouldn't get out of bed and I wrestled with him to get up. He broke down into tears and said that it was his dead mother's birthday at the weekend. This was the first time he'd mentioned her birthday (he'd only spoke about her once before) and he sobbed heavily. I'd never seen him so upset before. The same week he took me out for dinner, told me he loved me, bought me flowers. The next day, after I made a flippant remark about whether he needed to do work or see me, he broke up with me. He seemed very distant. Zombie like, no emotion. He struggled to say anything. He said he hadn't been all that interested in sex recently and didn't know why. I left and went home, devastated. The next day he appeared on my doorstep at 11.30, wanting to talk. He was in pieces and explained that he had never dealt with his grief regarding his Mum. He had also lost his sister when he was younger but said that he had dealt with it and accepted it. He couldn't accept his mother was gone. He said it didn't feel right breaking up with me. We got back together as I asked him to get some counselling to help him grieve. We were better. He went to the gym frequently and said that he felt less depressed and healthier. He still didn't go to counselling, but we carried on. We had very strong and good times over Christmas and NY. He arranged a surprise birthday for me for my 30th less than 3 weeks ago and went to great lengths to make me feel very special. Again, he struggled to finish during sex. He came and saw me spontaneously after I'd been away for a hen weekend, he was loving and affectionate. He came and saw me on the Tuesday and Thursday like normal. On the Thursday I made a flippant comment about how he was worrying about a maths problem and how I was worrying that we hadn't done it in 10 days because we were so tired (we are both teachers and exhausted). He started to spiral and became very withdrawn. He said he fancied me, liked spending time with me, but couldn't tell me if he loved me. He was obviously torn and it took him a long time to leave. He didn't speak to me until Saturday and he gave me a list of reasons for breaking up with me that included: "We dont' share any of the same interests" "You have been such an amazing girlfriend to me for 6 months I didn't have a chance to think" It was so conflicted. He said he cares for me but doesn't want a relationship and needs to sort himself out. He said he's had his guard up and doesn't know why. I tried to get him to see whether it was his grief holding him back and preventing him from getting close to anyone. It is clear that he doesn't communicate how he feels with his family or his friends. He said he only spoke to me if it was important enough. For a few days he would check my snapchat story to see what I was doing. I deleted him from Facebook, everything on Whatsapp and snapchat. He has since deleted me from snapchat too. I am hurt that it has ended this way, as I felt that we had a very strong connection and that we had potential to be very good together. He has completely floored me as it was so out of the blue. I don't know how he is, and whether he will reach rock bottom, or whether he will ever talk to me again. We work together but thankfully don't have to cross paths too much. I am worried for him, that he is seriously alone and thinks that everything will be fine now he has broken up with me. I wonder if it is possible that he has unresolved grief issues and won't allow himself to get close to anyone? It's almost like he freaked out just before Valentines day. He says he wants to be friends but I can't handle that at the moment as I still love him. I don't know how to proceed. I want to be there for him if he is struggling with his grief, but I don't want to get hurt in the process. Any thoughts welcome.
Emilia Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 It seems he has serious emotional issues, his inability to deal with his mother's death and his sexual dysfunction are signs of that. I'd been down this road OP and my advice is to move on. It doesn't seem to me that he will be able to provide you with a healthy relationship. Is he an addict of any kind? I'll be surprised if he isn't
ksol9 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 (edited) It seems he has serious emotional issues, his inability to deal with his mother's death and his sexual dysfunction are signs of that. I'd been down this road OP and my advice is to move on. It doesn't seem to me that he will be able to provide you with a healthy relationship. Is he an addict of any kind? I'll be surprised if he isn't My situation has some similarities as to OP. My bf's mother died. He has little to no family (one cousin) and he has serious emotional issues with this. He spoke of her and his childhood only on few occasions. Mostly when we were laying awake in bed at night. I'm horrified by his stories. I was unable to empathize with him because he wouldn't show his emotions. Hé seemed to bottle everything up. I would see him sitting out on the patio thinking and just smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I don't know if you would call that an addiction, but he smokes cigarettes and drinks beer daily. He always has since meeting him. He's extremely passive aggressive and doesn't like to communicate. Our issues began to effect our sex life. His drive was always much lower but he didn't even want to have sex at all towards the end. With that being said, I think Emilia made some good points, people with emotional issue from things that have happened to them in their past have deep rooted issues that can rarely be fixed. It's about learning to live with them if learning to live with their issues is even possible not changing them. I say give him some time. Don't wait too long, but let him know you love him and that you care for him, but let him figure things out on his own. You cant push someone to want to be with you. He is fighting his own battles and he is dealing with them in the best way he knows how. Not being able to satisfy you sexually is huge disappointment and slash to his manhood....another reason why he wants to let you go. Let time do sone healing, let him get ahold of himself, regain some structure and when you both are thinking clearly, maybe he will try to sort this out with you. How often have you guys spoken since the split? Edited February 21, 2016 by ksol9
VonLagos Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 It seems he has serious emotional issues, his inability to deal with his mother's death and his sexual dysfunction are signs of that. I'd been down this road OP and my advice is to move on. It doesn't seem to me that he will be able to provide you with a healthy relationship. Is he an addict of any kind? I'll be surprised if he isn't He wouldn't drink very much, and would keep himself fit and healthy by going to the gym. But he did like to gamble and would often bet on the horses and once took me to a casino. He was never in any major debt but he would occasionally struggle with money. I have read a lot about unresolved grief and noted that gambling/addiction issues come up. I guess I had hoped that after he had fixed his issues that we might be able to be friends and have some form of contact. I don't know whether he'll ever make that move to get counselling though. It's all too sad.
VonLagos Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I say give him some time. Don't wait too long, but let him know you love him and that you care for him, but let him figure things out on his own. You cant push someone to want to be with you. He is fighting his own battles and he is dealing with them in the best way he knows how. Not being able to satisfy you sexually is huge disappointment and slash to his manhood....another reason why he wants to let you go. Let time do sone healing, let him get ahold of himself, regain some structure and when you both are thinking clearly, maybe he will try to sort this out with you. How often have you guys spoken since the split? Thanks for your reply. He said he had a lot of regrets in his life and that he needed to focus on himself. He said he didn't want a relationship but still cares for me. It's sad that you say he felt that was a huge slash to his manhood, which I guess it was, but he always made sure I was satisfied. He is a complicated soul. I feel that he is isolating himself now so that he doesn't have to face anything. He came over to give me a note to explain the break up, all of which I noted were not real reasons and put a lot of emphasis on me taking the blame. He was very cold and distant and matter of fact, the complete opposite to his lovely nature. He said that he had loved me for the past 7 months and that it wasn't a joke or a lie how he felt. But that now he needed to figure out what he wants and needs to do that alone. Before he left I said that I felt some of the real reasons we were ending was because he couldn't accept love or allow himself to be loved. And that if there was anything positive out of this break up that it would be that he got some help finally. We briefly exchanged texts where he said he was happy that I didn't hate him and that he hoped we could be friends. I initially agreed and said I hoped he felt better and that at some point in the future we might be able to. No communication since, I've cut all contact.
Raina314 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Minus the death of his mother, my ex left me in much the same way. He said I was a great girlfriend to him, but he just couldn't say he loved me because he couldn't process his own emotions and doesn't share them with anyone and he felt he couldn't give the same emotional commitment to the relationship that I was putting in. He also wanted to be friends. It's really hard. Somehow hearing "it's not you, it's me" is just not reassuring at all and it's awful feeling like you want to be the one to help him with all these issues but not being able to because he doesn't want you to and would rather shut it all out. I feel for you, and hope that you do better soon
VonLagos Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Minus the death of his mother, my ex left me in much the same way. He said I was a great girlfriend to him, but he just couldn't say he loved me because he couldn't process his own emotions and doesn't share them with anyone and he felt he couldn't give the same emotional commitment to the relationship that I was putting in. He also wanted to be friends. It's really hard. Somehow hearing "it's not you, it's me" is just not reassuring at all and it's awful feeling like you want to be the one to help him with all these issues but not being able to because he doesn't want you to and would rather shut it all out. I feel for you, and hope that you do better soon Thanks for the reply. Are you friends with him now? I don't know how I could do that really. At least not yet. My previous ex (6yrs) and I haven't spoken since the day we broke up and I have no intention of ever speaking to him again. This feels different, especially considering I have to see him at work and I'll find the NC harder to stick to.
VonLagos Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Recently, he has been checking my snapchat stories, even though I deleted him and he deleted me. He says Hello at work, but nothing else. There is definitely tension when we meet. I don't understand why he is still "checking in" on me on Snapchat Stories when we are over? Has anyone else had an ex do this? It is merely to be snooping and nothing else?
strow Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Stop worrying about him and don't plan to be there for him if he's struggling. He made his choice- it's clear that he doesn't want you in his life so spend your time and energy focusing on yourself rather than him.
VonLagos Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 I bumped into my ex at work and he said hello. He had been checking my snapchat stories religiously and it started to annoy me. I asked him why he checked them! He seemed a bit flustered. I later decided to clear up a few things I had been worrying about - especially as he had been struggling with his grief and depression and had broken up with some very vague reasons. Our conversation: 1. That it was not possible for me to be friends with him as I clearly wanted something else from him. 2. That I was confused why he would check my snapchat stories, as he didn't want me in his life anymore - He said "That's not true, I do want you in my life" 3. I suggested that a few of the issues he had been coming across were due to his depression and that he should focus on sorting himself out - he said he realised a lot of the issues where down to him and that it was something he recognised he needed to work on. 4. He said he had regretted not sorting himself out before starting a relationship with me and wished that he had done this. 5. He said he knew I was always there as a support if necessary and wanted to work on our friendship if possible. 6. He said he was leaving the door open for friendship because he hoped it wasn't over, and wants it and recognises he has to work on himself first. 7. I said, well you have a chance to sort yourself out and we'll see, but in the mean time I'm going to on with myself and whatever happens in the future, happens. 8. He hinted that he has some self-esteem issues. I wished him well and left, feeling quite assertive. It was a friendly chat and nothing confrontational so I hope that it has left him clear about my intentions. My friend spoke to him afterwards and she said that he seemed upset that I didn't want to be friends with him. She said, "Are you surprised? She wants to be your girlfriend you can't have your cake and eat it!". So, some closure for me at least. Back to NC and focussing on myself rather than what he is doing. We'll still see each other at work but I'm hoping it'll be easier to deal with. At least he knows if he wants support with his grief that I can be there, to an extent. I made it clear I would not be an emotional crutch, but someone to help guide in the right direction.
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 When you met, had he just come out of another relationship?
VonLagos Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 No, he'd been single for nearly a year at that point. I'd come out of a 6 yr relationship 6 months before we starting going out but that was dead after the 5th year and we parted amicably. Why do you ask?
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 No, he'd been single for nearly a year at that point. I'd come out of a 6 yr relationship 6 months before we starting going out but that was dead after the 5th year and we parted amicably. Why do you ask? Because he said "He said he cares for me but doesn't want a relationship and needs to sort himself out. He said he's had his guard up and doesn't know why". I thought maybe that was due to unresolved feelings from his last relationship.
VonLagos Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 It's possible. He left his previous girlfriend that he met at Uni because he thought the grass was greener on the other side. I think she found out that he had been texting another girl whilst they were still together. Unfortunately, they lived together at the time and it took her awhile to move out. So I imagine that that didn't end particularly rosy. It may well be that his issues and regrets stretch back to her too, but I think he has emotional issues that are bigger relating to his grief. He can be very cowardly (I found this out more and more in our relationship) as he struggles to make decisions in emotional times or have any "gut feeling". I don't know if this is because he is a mixture of depressed, unresolved grief or fairly young (25).
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