is this too much to ask? Am I settling for crumbs from this man I "love"

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

All I can say is ditto, ditto, ditto!!

 

That's EXACTLY how I feel and how I think. I too think that when he "has his life figured out", he will try to come back. And he will see me happily married and settled. He'll be too late.

 

But are we just thinking this to make ourselves feel better? Waiting for the day when they see us having a blissful life and realize the opportunity that they threw away?

 

I used to tell him so many times, "A lot of things in life are about timing. If certain things don't happen within a given time frame, they lose their meaning afterwards". And try to make him see that Life is about Change, you have to have the grace to accept changes.

Obviously, I could've been talking to the wall

 

I'm thinking, what if they're actually feeling happy and relieved - to have gotten the "demanding shrew" off their back?! LOL

I don't know, they just might be enjoying their new-found freedom - a life in which they're not answerable to anybody.

 

What if they finally find someone they really love? Because from the way he's blocked me out, obviously he doesn't care whether I'm with someone else in my life.

 

This is so difficult....

[smile95]

it is ok if we are just thinking it to feel better, as time passes, we truly will not care. In my case, he is sep and going thru a divorce with a child. He is so stressed at work too. He gets overwhelmed, but no excuse to treat me like crap! So, in my case, he prob looked at this as relieving some stress from his life (me). He has told me before that he hates to make me wait. So maybe that is why he stopped talking to me? I do not know. I hope I will not care soon. It is weird. One day I can feel so strong and last night I saw a movie and cried myself to sleep remembering the great times with him and wondering why he would not even tell me we were done, but wouldnot tell me we were ok either. I think he wants to know that I am waiting like before. But if this is the last I will hear from him and history will NOT repeat itself, I will live. I miss him terribly and I am sure he misses me, but I know he is not in another relationship. He is getting his life in line. he has no time for a woman in his life now. nothing happened beween us to beak up so that is whyi think that he will call one day. I even offered a while back to be friends and got no reply. We could remain civil -ther is no reason why not. So that is how I kinda know he needs space. He would not end it. I asked him several times to just text me if he wanted me out of his life and of course no reply. ManI am confused.

[moimeme]

The most unbelievable thing is, how could I of all people have been the victim of a "superficial" and "shallow" relationship? I always thought I was a really mature person especially as far as relationships went - it took a LOT to make me fall in love with a man. How could I have made such a mistake?!

 

Because we all believe we are smart enough to not fall into the trap of deluding ourselves, and in that we're already deluding ourselves.

 

Waiting for the day when they see us having a blissful life and realize the opportunity that they threw away?

 

Not gonna happen.

 

What if he never contacts me?

 

Thank whatever god(s) you believe in with all your heart for eliminating this jerk from your life.

 

I'm going to finish my Master's degree in August end. After that, I don't know if I might go back to my country. Do I email him to tell him I'm leaving for good?

 

Nope.

 

Shouldn't he be emailing me to ask this?

 

IF he was the man you thought he was, he would. But he is NOT that man.

 

Was it me who wasn't "the right one" for him?

 

Clearly - and so what? Do you really want to be 'the right one' for such a selfish, unkind, unpleasant person? Wouldn't you like to have a relationship with someone who actually treats you well?

 

Will he find someone "better suited" to him?

 

Who cares? She'll probably be as miserable as you were. Feel sorry for her.

 

If anything, at present what I'm feeling is to be able to tell him he's such a coward, and a selfish one at that.

 

Because you think that will 'wake him up' and make him turn around and be entirely different. You're still fooling yourself. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

 

And that he's lost someone who genuinely loved.

 

He doesn't care. Other people have probably told him that and he didn't care then. That somebody loves you doesn't make you love them back.

 

And what he did to me was terribly unjust and unfair, doesn't he have a conscience?

 

Clearly no.

 

I just want to tell him these things - in person, if possible.

 

Again, because you want to watch the magical movie-like transformation come over his face as he realizes what a fool he's been and that he truly loves you after all. But life ain't that fantasy and it will not happen. You have to shake yourself out of your romantic dreamland. That's all fiction, kid. Life is NOT like that.

 

I haven't even gotten an apology from him!! Was everything I did so worthless?!

 

HE DOES NOT CARE. Period.

I wonder when I'll ever be ready for a relationship again. I'm still licking my wounds and I have developed this distrust in relationships - who knows if they fall out and I get hurt again?

 

He was never 'in love' - nor were you. Or at least you weren't 'in love' with a real man. Just be real careful, next time, to get to know a real human in 3D very well before you decide you're 'in love'.

 

I know the best thing for me would be to meet someone who's like him intellectually, but a thousand times better emotionally. And it's NOT easy to find such a person, you know how difficult it is to find people you "click" with! And finding someone you can trust is even rarer.

 

Yes, you are exactly right. But you haven't 'clicked' emotionally with him and he's not the guy you thought he was. You can't settle for this level of 'not quite perfect'. And it may be a LONG while before you find someone compatible again, but it is MUCH easier to live a happy life alone than it is to live a happy life with a man who treats you like dirt.

[smile95]

are you not set up to receive private messages? Can you send one to me so I can reply...need to tell ya somethings

[smile95]

your replies to thistooshallpass are very much your take on the situation and your opinions. you do not know this man and that he never cared. or that he may come back in a yr to find her happy. I know you are helping but stuff like that when you try and guess his character and how he felt is hard to do. But you did offer good advice. I just do not think you can tell if he ever cared or loved her.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I did enable PM in my account settings - but I still can't PM you. The error message said it might be because the person you're trying to PM is not the moderator(!) or may have disabled PM in their account settings.

 

Well, at least you know your ex has real problems, and might need time and space because of that (although I agree he hasn't appreciated what you've done for him!). Mine has NO problems - atleast none that I know of.

I even asked him a few times whether he was married - and was that why he'd chosen "not to commit" and kept me concealed from everyone. He said he wasn't.

 

Actually, he had problems when he first "fell in love" with me - he'd gotten laid off and was looking for a job, things weren't rosy for him. Which makes me think whether he just chose to start this relationship as a means to get some relief from that stress, and to make himself feel good?

 

Anyway, I never counted him being jobless against him - if anything, I provided a LOT of love and support. And I thought by coming here to the US and being able to work here, I'd be sparing him from the burden of having to worry about me.

 

As of now, he doesn't really have any problems - I am almost 100% sure. He wants his "peace of mind" and to be able to "move on with life". I agree the fights and arguments weren't taking us anywhere, but it was in his hands to change things.

 

And yes, he clearly told me - "I'm done with everything. Please don't contact me". So, in that aspect, I tend to think that Moimeme is right - I don't think he really "loved" me. If he did, it evaporated pretty soon after I came here! Moimeme, you do have some good advice for me - thanks.

However, we did meet in 2003, and I thought we bonded even more. It's just after I came here that things soured. I do admit his lack of care and concern since ages, though.

 

Beth - see if PM is possible now. Hopefully it is! I am so disappointed with this guy. WHY did he start all this when he wasn't even sure about me?!! How do I get him out of my mind forever?!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Well, I know he clearly doesn't care. But hey - I thought I knew him. Maybe I deluded myself - but then, don't we all?

 

I've been through a lot of difficult situations in my life - still am. And I've managed to cope with most things. Honestly, if I was that naive, I would've been in a "romantic dreamland" still. I'm not. I'm very much in touch with reality - I'm just raw with hurt. We ALL hurt - especially when we've fought against all odds just to be with this person - just to be discarded like trash.

 

Beth, you'll identify with this - you and I know what we feel, and also that the other guy isn't really worth it, but we can't stop thinking about him.

 

In my case, he knew the difficulties I was going through in life, and how tough it was for me to have come here - it's amazing and shocking he didn't think it wasn't worth that much.

 

Maybe he will never contact me. But I can't help thinking about what could have been - why didn't he choose to change a bit instead?

How can anyone be so hard-hearted, I don't know.

[moimeme]

I don't think he really "loved" me. If he did, it evaporated pretty soon after I came here

 

Precisely. IF he really loved you, then he would have treated you well and would still be doing so. He may have been deluding himself as well. We all do it. But whatever it was, it doesn't exist now at all and that's what's important. This harking back to 'how it was' and hoping it will be 'like it was' is unrealistic and helps nobody.

 

I just do not think you can tell if he ever cared or loved her.

 

Yes I can - we have the evidence right here. Real love doesn't just die like that. It's no shame to be fooled or to delude yourself or indulge in wishful thinking but once you've woken up and realized that your hopes were based on air, you only hurt yourself by trying to keep the fantasy alive. Let it go, chalk it up to experience, and move on.