Couples joined at the hip? It works for some

[PrettyEmily77]

I don't think many well adjusted people would choose a partner who had NO life aside from dating them.

 

Agreed.

 

I like to do a lot with my partner but not everything.

 

It's good to have a healthy balance between couple stuff and solo/friends stuff and I'd be concerned if BF wanted to partake in everything I did and wanted to go everywhere together and didn't have his own stuff to do with his own friends or on his own.

 

It's fine if both are happy - to me, constantly being joined at the hip with the BF sounds like a nightmare. Lucky for me, he feels the same way.

 

So long as the couple is on the same wavelength...

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have a good friend who commutes an hour each way to work with her husband and two toddlers in tow. They spend literally every waking minute together. Since they've been married (4 years ago) I've spent exactly two nights alone with her, without her husband or kids. I miss her terribly. Lol. But I also think her hubby is wonderful and get along with him well. They seem so happy and I truly believe they are really happy.

 

I have another good friend who, due to his job, lives in different countries for 3 years at a time. His girlfriend of four years lives in Brazil, he's in Southeast Asia. They get to see each other a handful of times each year. His lifestyle isn't going to change anytime soon, and I'm not sure if she wants to give up her successful career to follow him all over the globe and live away from her family. I have no idea how they are still together, or manage to find time to even talk on the phone. But they make it work.

 

I'm independent and hate feeling smothered- one of the many reasons I've always been single. I've always looked for relationships with men who were more independent. Any signs of neediness make me uncomfortable.

 

Everyone is different, I guess. Different relationships work for different people.

 

Believe it or not, I recall a woman that I worked with that lives in this small town that had a boyfriend approximately 2.5 hours away. She said she deliberately dates men around that distance away and stays away from the local dating scene because she wouldn't want him to show up on her doorstep almost every night because every local guy she's date was pretty much hanging around her house every time he got off work. lol

 

Same goes for another Independent woman....the only woman left in this po-dunk town that's attractive, has all her front teeth, intelligent, great figure (she's an avid trail biker in the local woods)...and apparently she had to end an engagement with a dude that was stopping by her house more and more frequently and I was like "Um, you're about to be married and he's not even LIVING with you yet, and it irritates you he's stopping by 'too frequently'?"

 

She also said something about skipping a night out of her routine (when she was single) hanging with her trial biking friends every Sat night...she would have none of that either.

 

Now he wasn't asking for much or too completely give it up...it was just impeding on her "routine" as a single woman.

 

She called off the engagement and I think just wound up being friends with benefits with one of her male, non-committal male biking friends.

 

Kind of sad.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Agreed.

 

I like to do a lot with my partner but not everything.

 

It's good to have a healthy balance between couple stuff and solo/friends stuff and I'd be concerned if BF wanted to partake in everything I did and wanted to go everywhere together and didn't have his own stuff to do with his own friends or on his own.

 

It's fine if both are happy - to me, constantly being joined at the hip with the BF sounds like a nightmare. Lucky for me, he feels the same way.

 

So long as the couple is on the same wavelength...

 

Get this...this was a pretty interesting perspective. A woman moved from a bigger city to this area...and she started dating a guy. After a time of living here, she had a hard time making friends...and she said to him, "I wish I could find some friends to hang with."

 

His response, and no joke, "You don't need friends, you have me."

 

This was coming from a po-dunk, 5th generation resident of the area, and she found this redneck winner of the year. They broke up, obviously. lol Turned out she was bi-sexual and started to date a lesbian co-worker.

[thecrucible]

I think it's good to spend lots of quality of time together as part of a couple. I think this is totally normal. I don't mind spending time with couples as a single person either. Although I have a friend who never wants to meet me unless her boyfriend is there too and although I like him, I wish we could spend time just the two of us.

[pidgeon1010]

It just one of the many compatibility factors. I work very long hours and when I met my bf, I had to make an effort to make time for him. We would spend some weekday evenings and most weekends together and we both had our own activities we could enjoy without the other.

 

Anyway when he broke up with me, one of the things he brought up was the fact that our relationship was good but not great because he didn't get to meet my friends like he would have wanted and we weren't as intertwined in each other's lives. I moved to a different state after grad school where I had no real friends (my close friends lived out of state). Made some friends at the gym and we would hang out infrequently. I was content with spending the free time I had with him and didn't really make "meeting friends" a priority. I did get him into running races and he meet some of my friends from the gym at races but that obviously wasn't good enough for him. I still think he is off his rocker lol.

[blackcat777]

You need to spend quality time with yourself, quality time with your friends, and quality time with your partner. Quality time with a partner (not necessarily quantity of time) is the lifeblood of keeping romance alive.

 

My boyfriend and I do brush our teeth together, but we each have our friends, our own jobs, our own lives. I'll take every minute I can get with my boyfriend, but those minutes are few and far between sometimes when life gets in the way.

 

That's why those moments are so important...

 

Also, pro tip: the more freely you let a partner maintain a social life, the more happy they are to come home to you. Sometimes letting them go keeps them coming back. (I love me some push-pull nonsense.)

[AMJ]

You mean to tell me if the man of your dreams showed up you wouldn't wanna spend every minute you can with him?...yea okay

 

I mean, at some point we're going to get a little bit bored with each other, right? I think it's healthy to have alone time.

[serial muse]

I mean, at some point we're going to get a little bit bored with each other, right? I think it's healthy to have alone time.

 

Yes, i agree. I like telling my husband about my day, and hearing about his...which means having some time to myself so I have things to tell him!

 

I don't think having time to yourself means cutting your partner out of big pieces of your life. My H knows all my friends and has even met many of my coworkers. But we both like having time with our friends on our own, too. Works for us. I can't see why that would be less true in a small town, either. Friends are friends. Whatever works for the two people involved is what matters.

 

Diff'rent strokes for different folks.

[GemmaUK]

Believe it or not, I recall a woman that I worked with that lives in this small town that had a boyfriend approximately 2.5 hours away. She said she deliberately dates men around that distance away and stays away from the local dating scene because she wouldn't want him to show up on her doorstep almost every night because every local guy she's date was pretty much hanging around her house every time he got off work. lol

 

Same goes for another Independent woman....the only woman left in this po-dunk town that's attractive, has all her front teeth, intelligent, great figure (she's an avid trail biker in the local woods)...and apparently she had to end an engagement with a dude that was stopping by her house more and more frequently and I was like "Um, you're about to be married and he's not even LIVING with you yet, and it irritates you he's stopping by 'too frequently'?"

 

If my then partner had started just turning up whenever before we moved in together I would have had to sort it sort it out and stop him doing that or I would likely have not moved in with him.

Luckily, he wasn't like that and he respected my time and space, same as I did his.

 

Some folk like living in each others pockets, some don't.

We lived together for over 13 years and we had both separate hobbies and hobbies we both enjoyed.

[Tribble]

Surely there has to be a balance? I'm independent, I've lived alone for years and been single most of my life. I like having my own space and need some me time too. With my ex, finding that balance was difficult at first because I'd been alone so long and it caused problems. Figuring out how he fit in was a challenge. It didn't help that he'd just moving to my city and didn't have many friends to hang out with. But then he got friends. Which was fantastic. The problem was when he started prioritising them over me. I loved Friday nights in with pizza, a movie and wine. He started wanting to keep those nights free 'just in case' his buddies wanted to go out. I was around when he wanted someone to look after when he was hung over. If he wanted to celebrate or wallow in sorrows, he wanted to do it with his friends, not me.

 

 

I don't think I could cope in a relationship where we were constantly together and I couldn't see my girlfriends or have some alone time. But I also don't want to be at the bottom of the list after friends. You need to invest some into relationships otherwise what's the point?

[Toodaloo]

I really am struggling to see what is so wrong with a couple having such a strong bond and friendship that they want to be together for as much of the time as possible.

 

If it works for them who gives a damn? Who are any of us to judge?

 

Some like to live in cities, some like to live in rural areas, some like tomatoes some don't...

 

I actually think its lovely that a couple can consider their partners to be their best friends as well as their lovers. Its refreshing from all this crap about how we have to be apart and how we have to do XYZ.

 

So they may not be jetting off all over the place, going to the greatest party or driving the biggest car but some people don't need that validation for their facebook pages nor for themselves.

 

Good on them for just being happy and enjoying the moment. Heck more of us could learn from that.

[joseb]

I've been in a relationship like did. Did literally everything together. Even working together for a while.

I think it nearly destroyed me. I had no idea how little of an individual was left until we split up. I was a shell of myself after it. Sure I was sort of content while in it, and from the outside people would have thought how cute.

 

I don't ever want to get into that situation again. I don't care who im dating!

[loveweary11]

One thing to add for those that can't fathom it is I think our definition of alone time differs.

 

For example, my our alone time would be spending an evening reading on our separate devices in the same room.

 

Gave the mind something else to do aside from communicate and yet still felt nice to be in the same room together.

 

So there was a sort of alone time, just not physically.

[MrDuck]

I don't think many well adjusted people would choose a partner who had NO life aside from dating them.

 

I believe any relationship dynamic can 'work' if they pick a partner who wants the same thing.

 

That said I do agree that the best relationships I know have a bit of balance. I think in order to bring the best version of you to your relationship you need somethings outside of it. BUT that's just me, if it works for them it works for them. Why judge others for there happiness. Anyway people probably think me and my gf spend a lot of time as we work together (closely) and obvs spend time together outside.

[soleilesquire]

I think it depends on WHY someone wants to spend every moment together.

 

Just can't get enough of each other? Wonderful

 

I want to make sure I know what he/she is up to and that I approve? Um....no

 

I have had a partner for whom I was expected to be....everything. THE entire social life, the entire support system, the entire source of security, etc. etc. etc.

 

I just wore out, to be honest. If he had given back the same....MAYBE it would have worked, but he just sucked me dry with all the constant NEEEEEEEED all the time.

[xxoo]

One thing to add for those that can't fathom it is I think our definition of alone time differs.

 

For example, my our alone time would be spending an evening reading on our separate devices in the same room.

 

Gave the mind something else to do aside from communicate and yet still felt nice to be in the same room together.

 

So there was a sort of alone time, just not physically.

 

Same.

 

I'm a homebody. I like to work out and get outside and hike and play sports and stuff, but otherwise I'm happy to putter around the house on my days off. It never bothers me for H to also be around the house. It's nice. We have many rooms and aren't always in the same one

[serial muse]

One thing to add for those that can't fathom it is I think our definition of alone time differs.

 

For example, my our alone time would be spending an evening reading on our separate devices in the same room.

 

Gave the mind something else to do aside from communicate and yet still felt nice to be in the same room together.

 

So there was a sort of alone time, just not physically.

 

I guess it's just that I have some lifelong friends, and I can't imagine not wanting time with just them, too. My friendships are a big part of my life, and so is my extended family, though it's not like they take precedence over my core family of husband and kiddo. But I like having one-on-one time with the various important people in my life.

 

I have a friend who has been with her husband for a decade or so, and they are as close as any couple I know. A few years ago they moved overseas together, and really became each others' world in an even more profound way. They do almost everything together. But even they have their own friendships, and whenever they come to town my friend makes a point of wanting to spend time one-on-one so we can catch up in a deeper way.

[GunslingerRoland]

Everyone has to find their own balance. I'm sure to many of the couples on here my wife and I would be considered at the hip, since we don't have days every week where we are going out separately.

 

 

That being said, we're both independent people and have no problems going out without one another for social and other reasons.

[xxoo]

I guess it's just that I have some lifelong friends, and I can't imagine not wanting time with just them, too. My friendships are a big part of my life, and so is my extended family, though it's not like they take precedence over my core family of husband and kiddo. But I like having one-on-one time with the various important people in my life.

 

I have a friend who has been with her husband for a decade or so, and they are as close as any couple I know. A few years ago they moved overseas together, and really became each others' world in an even more profound way. They do almost everything together. But even they have their own friendships, and whenever they come to town my friend makes a point of wanting to spend time one-on-one so we can catch up in a deeper way.

 

It probably does make a difference living in an area with lifelong friends and family. We've moved away together, so hanging out with childhood friends and family isn't an option

 

It's not that we never hang out 1:1 with other people, just that it's an occasional thing and not something we feel we need on a regular basis to alleviate the boredom of each other

[Imajerk17]

LATP, there are two levels to this question (and your other threads)….

 

1. The first level is that yes, this sort of arrangement--being joined at the hip--definitely works for some but definitely doesn't work for all. I know of maybe two couples whose relationship is basically one amazing first date that never really ended and is still going on (even after many years of marriage). And I know of couples who dated in a more orthodox way, some where it took some time for the chemistry to grow….

 

It's like the question of whether dating someone at work is good or not. Or being friends with one's ex(s). Definitely works for some, but definitely not for all.

 

 

2. The second level, well…. It's hard to separate this question from your posting history OP. So when you post something like this, my first thought isn't that you are trying to engage the board in a lively debate with an interesting question. It is instead "So now you are nitpicking happy couples who are together "too" much? You're doing this because why? Can't you just let them be?" I think others have the same thought regarding this thread, and it may explain some of the less-than-friendly responses you get on this thread.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Imajerk17

[serial muse]

It probably does make a difference living in an area with lifelong friends and family. We've moved away together, so hanging out with childhood friends and family isn't an option

 

It's not that we never hang out 1:1 with other people, just that it's an occasional thing and not something we feel we need on a regular basis to alleviate the boredom of each other

 

Yeah, I think the bottom line is that different people have different needs - and so long as your needs more or less match your partner's, it really doesn't matter what anyone else has to say about it!