How best to deal with someone trying it on?

[thecrucible]

It sounds like your reaction was fine, unless as joseb says the guy was her brother or an old school friend or something else innocuous.

 

Personally I would like if a guy would react at least a little bit like you. I was dating a guy a couple of years ago and while we were out together another guy has come up to me and blatantly hit on me and said something really insulting and an obvious come on/propositioning me. Usually I'm quite good at reacting to this behaviour by showing the guy I'm not best pleased but I expect the guy I'm with to defend me as well. The guy I was with just said "It seemed like you were handling that well" and his reaction just turned me off him quite a bit - I'd like a guy who can help me in a difficult situation, not just leave me to deal with it by myself because he's too chicken to say something.

[olivebranch]

I was watching her to see if she was encouraging it – she wasn't. If she was, I would have walked out and left her to him. She's a girly-girl and only 20, so not that assertive.

 

 

 

It was more awkward than that though. He was trying to chat her up ('where are you from?', 'you look Spanish' etc), and then when I was staring at him, he started trying to get in with me by asking me questions. This guy had no shame. He was a weasel, and seemed intent on hanging around like a bad smell. I like having a laugh, but not when someone is encroaching on me and trying it on. Joking with this guy would have only encouraged him anyway.

 

 

 

Because this guy was really taking the piss. I have never tried to take another man's woman under his nose. That's really [poor behavior] IMO. Every man knows how disrespectful that is. My younger cousin tried doing that to get a girl one night when I was out with him, and I put him straight about it too.

 

 

 

I come from England. I don't know if Americans realise what Friday and Saturday nights are like over here. It's chaos . People go to the football during the day, and go out to get pissed up during the night. It's impossible to be in clubland for any amount of time without getting in a few punch-ups over stupid crap. I'm growing out of that stuff now though, and I haven't got in a fight on a date yet thankfully

 

So what should I have done if things would have escalated and the guy would have started insulting me or my date? Walk away, or call the police, or what?

 

Yes, I think just walk away... I can see how there would be a difference where you live in terms of the bar environment. I think it shows good progress in your maturity that you are reaching out towards others to get advice on gentlemanly conduct. The only problem is that true gentlemen are rare these days and not everyone is going to be able to understand at all how to communicate those skills effectively online, or in person.

 

You did a really good job though, it sounds like. Being polite, patient and firm are very good qualities to have. Try not to worry that he chose her because you don't come off as being strong or man enough... He just sounds like a slimy creature that enjoys crashing through common sense boundaries of others.

 

Many people are boundaryless, egocentric buffoons.

[Popsicle]

A girl and I went out last night. We were in a pub, and there was an incident. I went to the toilet, and came back to find a guy attempting to chat her up over at our table.

 

I got quite angry, but I think I hid it okay (I felt like hitting him, if I'm honest). I know that you lose if you get angry. But, I still needed to deal with the intruder. The woman I was with was being polite, but clearly uncomfortable.

 

I told him 'look mate, we're here together, and we're not looking to make new friends tonight'. The whole thing felt really awkward though. He sort of muttered 'okay' and walked off. Later, he tried making conversation at the bar, and I blanked him.

 

I've been wondering whether I could have dealt with it better. How would the ladies here like their guy to deal with a situation like this? And how do other guys handle it?

 

I don't want to come across as looking pissed off and butthurt, even if I am

 

I'm not a guy, but I think you did fine.

 

It was a whole lot better than a guy who would let the intruder keep talking to you and her!

[Robratory]

Well, I won't say you did wrong, but I'm going to go against the current and say that I think it was incumbent on the girl to do more than just sit there, looking uncomfortable. She should have said first, "Thank you, but I'm with someone," followed by a very loud, "Excuse me, sir! Please leave me alone!"

 

Most bars have no tolerance for patrons getting fresh with women, accompanied or not, because they don't want their establishments turning into old-man bars, places where only old men go and all they do is nurse a drink all day.

[Robratory]

I have never really been into the macho posturing displayed here.

I am no-one's property, so I would not appreciate my date steaming over and getting rid of someone I was talking to in a pub.

If I needed help, I would ask for it, otherwise I am perfectly capable of fighting my own battles and deciding who is just being friendly in a pub or who is aggressively trying to pick me up.

Like redhead14 says, I do not need rescuing.

There are more subtle ways of getting rid of pests, and I think I would have preferred that approach if I had been the girl here.

 

The fact you were actually angry and wanted to hit him and you just managed to keep that anger under control, would be for me a no-no.

 

Thank you! Here I was thinking, did we suddenly magically transport to Camelot with its knights in shining armor rescuing damsels in distress? It's the 21st century. The notion that men need to defend women from other men should be offensive to us by now. What can a guy do, anyway? Most young men have not the first idea about fighting.

 

Frankly, the solution is to stay away from alcohol. It's a horrible, terrible drug that devastates lives. Pot never killed anyone. Nobody ever fought over a girl while high on pot. Have all the pot you want, and if you must have alcohol, go to establishments where drunk patrons are not allowed to stay and harass the female patrons.

[Jabron1]

Ha, you should try walking in my shoes - I have to chase off so many guys bc it's not just trying to cut in but also "you don't look like a lesbian," or "heh, threesome!"

 

I see what you mean; it must be very hard to shake off guys in your situation

 

 

I think you handled it fine. In fact it was great, bc you can't/shouldn't jerk around w/half measures or pretending the situation's sth other than what it is bc that just telegraphs weakness to the other guy. (I think that's sth a lot of women don't really understand - like it or not there's a certain 'fight for her' aspect to all this.) But at the same time you did well bc you didn't flip out and get all animated, which also looks weak bc it says you don't assess threats well. If you came out of the men's and saw a guy yanking her by the arm, that'd be the time to go all hulk, not just bc he's hanging around.

 

I think this is probably the most lucid account of this type of incident.

 

I'm impressed tbh. It's kind of like you have the eyes of a guy, but the emotional sensitivity of a woman. If lesbians have this kind of perception, I need to make some lesbian friends