How best to deal with someone trying it on?

[mrldii]

OP, like others have mentioned, IMHO you handled it well...except for the part of seething about it, *silently*.

 

Most of the self-assured, confident men I've dated are amused by it, as it simply confirms what they already know: they have chosen to spend time with a woman others (including other men) find attractive/interesting. They also know that they prefer to be with a woman who will be respectful of them and of herself, and who is capable of saying/getting the message across, "Sorry...I'm here with someone."

 

Most of the men I've dated understand that it is not socially acceptable to act like animals in the wild who piss all over things to mark their territory so the other predators and animals on the prowl will stay away.

[smackie9]

Take the lady to a quiet cafe instead of a pub. Pubs and bars can be a bit of a meat market.

[AMJ]

I think it's fine to have expectations about your date's behavior. I certainly have expectations about my date's/boyfriend's behavior in situations like this.

 

For the most part, you've seemed only angry with the random dude, not your date's reaction. If you felt like your date was inviting this attention on purpose or leading this guy on, that's a different story. The way you described it, it all sounded pretty innocent on both of their parts. So my reaction was...why is he so upset?

 

If you continue to date really young, attractive women, it's safe to assume that other men are going to pursue them. Until they have a wedding ring on. And sometimes even still. You might want to get used to that.

 

You mentioned if girls have a similar code. I can't say I've spent much time thinking about this. But out of curiosity, if the reverse had happened, how would you have reacted/felt? If another girl came up to you last night, started talking to you, and your date said "Um, bye Felicia, we're not here to make friends tonight". Would you have been flattered, annoyed...?

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[katiegrl]

OP, like others have mentioned, IMHO you handled it well...except for the part of seething about it, *silently*.

 

Most of the self-assured, confident men I've dated are amused by it, as it simply confirms what they already know: they have chosen to spend time with a woman others (including other men) find attractive/interesting. They also know that they prefer to be with a woman who will be respectful of them and of herself, and who is capable of saying/getting the message across, "Sorry...I'm here with someone."

 

Most of the men I've dated understand that it is not socially acceptable to act like animals in the wild who piss all over things to mark their territory so the other predators and animals on the prowl will stay away.

 

I agree. And let's remember, Jabron and his date were seated at a table, not the bar where it's normal for *people* (men's and women) to chat with each other.

 

Whenever this has happened to me, and my bf left the table for whatever reason and a man proceeded to sit down and chat with me, I politely told him I was on a date and he would be back shortly.

 

Some may think that was rude, but frankly I think him approaching me at the table my bf and I were sitting at was rude.

 

The bar? Okay, understandable. But a private table? No, that's intruding IMO and yes disrespectful.

[truth_seeker]

OP, like others have mentioned, IMHO you handled it well...except for the part of seething about it, *silently*.

 

Most of the self-assured, confident men I've dated are amused by it, as it simply confirms what they already know: they have chosen to spend time with a woman others (including other men) find attractive/interesting. They also know that they prefer to be with a woman who will be respectful of them and of herself, and who is capable of saying/getting the message across, "Sorry...I'm here with someone."

 

Most of the men I've dated understand that it is not socially acceptable to act like animals in the wild who piss all over things to mark their territory so the other predators and animals on the prowl will stay away.

 

It's has nothing to do with confidence, it has to do with this [man] at a bar acting like a predator. He saw Jabron with the girl, waited for him to leave so he could move in on her. If I see a beautiful woman with a man, I do not approach her when I see the guy go to the bathroom.

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Jabron1]

Most of the self-assured, confident men I've dated are amused by it, as it simply confirms what they already know: they have chosen to spend time with a woman others (including other men) find attractive/interesting.

 

I don't really care for that confirmation. I'm not into the whole trophy thing.

 

I get that if you go out with an attractive woman, that other guys will take notice. I'm fine with that. What I won't tolerate is trying to pull her in front of me. That's my boundary - if you like.

 

Wouldn't you get mad if a woman started flirting with your date in front of you? I think it's perfectly normal. The question is how to deal with it.

 

Perhaps I was too forceful, and I helped create the awkwardness.

 

I am going to take all of these different opinions in. I think women are excellent at dealing with stuff like this in a more socially acceptable manner, while men are more clumsy. That's why I asked for advice here rather than ask my brother or friends.

[truth_seeker]

You mentioned if girls have a similar code. I can't say I've spent much time thinking about this. But out of curiosity, if the reverse had happened, how would you have reacted/felt? If another girl came up to you last night, started talking to you, and your date said "Um, bye Felicia, we're not here to make friends tonight". Would you have been flattered, annoyed...?

 

I had this happen to me. I was out with a group and I had something going on with one the girls in the group. A woman approached and chatted me up. She then took my phone and put her number in it. The girl I was involved with (we weren't dating exclusively) she was seething just by the look in her eyes. Well, I got hell for it after we left. lol.

 

It's only natural for people to get upset by this.

[elaine567]

It's has nothing to do with confidence, it has to do with this [man] at a bar acting like a predator. He saw Jabron with the girl, waited for him to leave so he could move in on her. If I see a beautiful woman with a man, I do not approach her when I see the guy go to the bathroom.

 

Is he [] just a man who saw an opportunity to ask a girl if she was interested?

Jabron could have been her brother, a friend, a colleague, a gay friend, her father...??? out for a quick drink or a night on the town.

She may have been very pleased to receive such attention if that was indeed the case.

Who can fault a bloke for trying?

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[truth_seeker]

I don't really care for that confirmation. I'm not into the whole trophy thing.

 

I get that if you go out with an attractive woman, that other guys will take notice. I'm fine with that. What I won't tolerate is trying to pull her in front of me. That's my boundary - if you like.

 

Wouldn't you get mad if a woman started flirting with your date in front of you? I think it's perfectly normal. The question is how to deal with it.

 

Perhaps I was too forceful, and I helped create the awkwardness.

 

I am going to take all of these different opinions in. I think women are excellent at dealing with stuff like this in a more socially acceptable manner, while men are more clumsy. That's why I asked for advice here rather than ask my brother or friends.

 

I'm all about the boundary, Jabron.

 

My question is this girl you're dating... she the type to get off on this or is she the type she's only into the guy she is with? Make sure she's not the type to love attention from men.

[AMJ]

It's has nothing to do with confidence, it has to do with this [man] at a bar acting like a predator. He saw Jabron with the girl, waited for him to leave so he could move in on her. If I see a beautiful woman with a man, I do not approach her when I see the guy go to the bathroom.

 

Don't get me wrong- what the random guy did was wrong, and stupid, of course! This scene has happened to me, and I have to honestly laugh, because it's just the most stupid approach. That said, it is a little bit about confidence. A guy who can laugh off this situation is very attractive to me.

 

Once I was with a guy on...I think date #3. We were sitting side by side at one of those bars that loops completely around, so you're facing people sitting across the bar. I have no idea how he knew, since my date and I weren't facing each other, but he saw me checking out a guy across the bar. And he made this scary comment about it- like really angry and threatening almost. "You know, it's really rude to look at other guys while you're on a date with me." The tone in his voice is what scared me though. I didn't go out with him again.

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[katiegrl]

Guys, Jabron said in his original post, they were seated at a table, not a bar, which makes Jabron's reaction perfectly understandable IMO.

 

As I said in previous post, that's just plain intruding and it's rude!

[truth_seeker]

Is he [] just a man who saw an opportunity to ask a girl if she was interested?

Jabron could have been her brother, a friend, a colleague, a gay friend, her father...??? out for a quick drink or a night on the town.

She may have been very pleased to receive such attention if that was indeed the case.

Who can fault a bloke for trying?

 

Okay, I thought about this, too, he could have taken a chance to find out, and you know what? That's fine... but the guy crossed the line when he stuck around and Jabron made it clear they were together.

 

It's one thing to approach, be a gentleman and right up front ask: "Hey, I'm TS. If you don't mind me asking, that bloke your brother? Co-worker?" That's completely acceptable. What's not acceptable if she leads the guy on, flirts with him or she tells the man, "I'm here with my date, boyfriend" and the guy stays around trying to chat her up.

 

From what Jabron described, the guy didn't care if she was on a date or Jabron was her boyfriend []

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[AMJ]

I had this happen to me. I was out with a group and I had something going on with one the girls in the group. A woman approached and chatted me up. She then took my phone and put her number in it. The girl I was involved with (we weren't dating exclusively) she was seething just by the look in her eyes. Well, I got hell for it after we left. lol.

 

It's only natural for people to get upset by this.

 

Yeah but, you didn't answer the question. If this girl you were hooking up with had not sat there silently angry, but instead had spoken up in the moment. If she'd told the other girl to mind her own business, go away, etc., what would you have done?

 

Especially considering she wasn't your girlfriend, you probably would have thought she was "psycho" or overly possessive. And this is a girl you'd been dating for awhile. The OP is about an earlier stage of dating...which means we should be less possessive.

 

And, yes, you got hell for it because you took her number! Lol. The girl on the date in OP did not encourage random stranger at all.

[road]

Take the lady to a quiet cafe instead of a pub. Pubs and bars can be a bit of a meat market.

 

 

 

He all caught his prey, err I meant woman. No need to display her in front of a bunch of hungry mate hunters.

 

 

 

 

That's right bars are noisy, crowded, just not a great place for a date. Bars are great places girlfriendless men to hang with his girlfriendless buddies, and drool. Buy women drinks, try to get their numbers, get no where, next day decide to back because he and his buddies had fun and no better prospects.

[mrldii]

...Wouldn't you get mad if a woman started flirting with your date in front of you? I think it's perfectly normal. The question is how to deal with it...

 

No, personally, I wouldn't be mad "if a woman started flirting with [my] date in front of [me]"; I'd be amused. "Mad" would be the furthest reaction I'd be capable of, in such a scenario.

 

I'd be amused because she obviously lacks knowledge of basic social skills; I'd be amused because she actually thinks she's got a shot at a guy I'm with, when he's obviously chosen to spend time with me. If I'mon a date with a guy (i.e., spending my time with him, too), I've already vetted him enough to know that he understands social mores well enough that he'd be amused by her behavior, too.

 

But, that's not the case, here. Your OP didn't state he was 'flirting with her in front of you', it specifically stated he was "trying it on" while you were in the bathroom.

 

I don't take my dates to the bathroom with me; everyone *knows* we women can only pee if we take another womanwith us.

[elaine567]

Okay, I thought about this, too, he could have taken a chance to find out, and you know what? That's fine... but the guy crossed the line when he stuck around and Jabron made it clear they were together.

 

It's one thing to approach, be a gentleman and right up front ask: "Hey, I'm TS. If you don't mind me asking, that bloke your brother? Co-worker?" That's completely acceptable. What's not acceptable if she leads the guy on, flirts with him or she tells the man, "I'm here with my date, boyfriend" and the guy stays around trying to chat her up.

 

From what Jabron described, the guy didn't care if she was on a date or Jabron was her boyfriend, therefore, he's a scumbag as result of his actions.

 

BUT he didn't stick around he left the table as soon as Jabron came over and said his piece.

He stayed in the bar, yes but what was he supposed to do? Leave immediately so as not to offend Jabron?

He may have had friends there, was meeting friends there, it was his local...

[Jabron1]

Guys, Jabron said in his original post, they were seated at a table, not a bar, which makes Jabron's reaction perfectly understandable IMO.

 

As I said in previous post, that's just plain intruding and it's rude!

 

And he didn't leave when I came back, but rather carried on with her for about 10 or 15 seconds (probably just felt longer than it was), then noticed that I'm staring a hole in his head and that he's getting nowhere with her, starts trying to chat to me.

 

That's when I said what I said. I wouldn't have got as annoyed if he'd have just buggered off.

 

And no TS, she's decent. She was clearly not into it, but some guys don't take a hint. I think she expected me to handle it though.

 

To be honest, I never brought it up with her, and I just tried to not let it throw me off for the rest of the night. We'd only been there about half an hour.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Jabron1

[mikeylo]

If the woman is not encouraging the other guy , rather discouraging him and he still doesnt stop and she feels at a loss then its my duty to step in and be at her side. Say hello to the guy and continue with my gal. No rocket science.

 

Letting her do all the work is not right.I am man enough to protect her and show her that I can , even though she can take care of herself. Being at her side is sometimes more than enough for another guy to back off.

[Maggie4]

Yeah, Jabron1, he was supposed to scurry away when you came back, but the idiot stuck around and that's offensive.

You get different responses here cos people reach for their own experiences, which may be another world away, different crowds, different joint. You kind of had to be there, I guess.

[losangelena]

And he didn't leave when I came back, but rather carried on with her for about 10 or 15 seconds (probably just felt longer than it was), then noticed that I'm staring a hole in his head, starts trying to chat to me.

 

That's when I said what I said. I wouldn't have got as annoyed if he'd have just buggered off.

 

And no TS, she's decent. She was clearly not into it, but some guys don't take a hint. I think she expected me to handle it though.

 

To be honest, I never brought it up with her, and I just tried to not let it throw me off for the rest of the night. We'd only been there about half an hour.

 

Jabron, I think you did fine in your reaction. Anger isn't inappropriate, I think it's what you do with it that's important. When my ex and I got together, he told me that he'd gotten into a lot of fights when he was younger, because he didn't know how else to handle it when he got upset. He never got that way while we dated,which I appreciated, but I could tell it was a mighty struggle sometimes for him to keep his cool. Self control is sexy, though, and so is learning how to diffuse a situation with good humor. Not like, "haha" humor, but like, enough confidence to say, "I'm number one here, I know you're not a threat to me."

 

It's good you're aware of your own propensity, and judging by the rest of your date, it sounds like she thought you handled it well, too.

[truth_seeker]

Yeah but, you didn't answer the question. If this girl you were hooking up with had not sat there silently angry, but instead had spoken up in the moment. If she'd told the other girl to mind her own business, go away, etc., what would you have done?

 

If she were rude and told the girl to buzz off in a nasty manner, I would have looked at her differently. If she made a comment, such as, "oh, now you have her number and mine, too." Something funny, clever, I would feel embarrassed and have to give her credit for saying something like that.

[truth_seeker]

BUT he didn't stick around he left the table as soon as Jabron came over and said his piece.

He stayed in the bar, yes but what was he supposed to do? Leave immediately so as not to offend Jabron?

He may have had friends there, was meeting friends there, it was his local...

 

It's his local so he has the right to hit on any woman in the place? Read Jabron's follow up, the guy stuck around...

[jen1447]

A girl and I went out last night. We were in a pub, and there was an incident. I went to the toilet, and came back to find a guy attempting to chat her up over at our table.

 

I got quite angry, but I think I hid it okay (I felt like hitting him, if I'm honest). I know that you lose if you get angry. But, I still needed to deal with the intruder. The woman I was with was being polite, but clearly uncomfortable.

 

I told him 'look mate, we're here together, and we're not looking to make new friends tonight'. The whole thing felt really awkward though. He sort of muttered 'okay' and walked off. Later, he tried making conversation at the bar, and I blanked him.

 

I've been wondering whether I could have dealt with it better. How would the ladies here like their guy to deal with a situation like this? And how do other guys handle it?

 

I don't want to come across as looking pissed off and butthurt, even if I am

 

Ha, you should try walking in my shoes - I have to chase off so many guys bc it's not just trying to cut in but also "you don't look like a lesbian," or "heh, threesome!"

 

I think you handled it fine. In fact it was great, bc you can't/shouldn't jerk around w/half measures or pretending the situation's sth other than what it is bc that just telegraphs weakness to the other guy. (I think that's sth a lot of women don't really understand - like it or not there's a certain 'fight for her' aspect to all this.) But at the same time you did well bc you didn't flip out and get all animated, which also looks weak bc it says you don't assess threats well. If you came out of the men's and saw a guy yanking her by the arm, that'd be the time to go all hulk, not just bc he's hanging around.

 

Firm, direct, controlled = win.

 

Also yes women can take a role in running a guy off, but if they don't (for whatever reason, could be anything) it's not like the guy has to shrug his shoulders and just accept it. His date, he can stand up for himself and his interests whether she does or not. I really don't see it as a misplaced hero maneuver thing.

[joseb]

Ok here's my take.

 

1. what you said was fine.

2. I don't see him staying for 10 - 15 seconds as him sticking around. If it was 3 mins then Yeah

3. everyone assumes he was aware you were with this girl before he came over. if I am out I glance around a bit and notice girls alone. I generally don't really notice couples, especially in a big place. my eyes just pass by. I don't know the layout of the pub you were in, but it's possible he hadn't seen you earlier, and just noticed a girl alone. It's happened me a few times. Usually the girl says she is waiting for someone. Of her bf is coming back. Sometimes they chat and a guy arrives. At this point I'll get out of there fairly quickly (but yeah it might take a few seconds)

 

4. As others mentioned, jabron might be anyone. I had a similar situation Saturday where a girl was looking at me but I saw she was with a guy. later I found out he was her brother. Opportunity wasted.

 

5. I don't think you getting angry at how you perceived the situation is wrong. I think maybe you just need to look at it from another perspective. As in the guy may not have known you were there. Or known that you were a couple. Or that when you came back he just needed a minute to extract in a social manner. Or that later at the bar he really was offering an olive branch as he had made an approach in error.

 

Guys generally don't try to pick up other guys gfs in front of them, so that would not have been my default assumption. There are always duchebag exceptions I know!

 

I think in that satiation I would have been more amused than angry when I came back initially. If after I made it clear we were together and he stayed around trying to pick her up, thats when I would have gotten angry.

Edited February 21, 2016 by joseb

[Jabron1]

Ok here's my take.

 

1. what you said was fine.

2. I don't see him staying for 10 - 15 seconds as him sticking around. If it was 3 mins then Yeah

3. everyone assumes he was aware you were with this girl before he came over. if I am out I glance around a bit and notice girls alone. I generally don't really notice couples, especially in a big place. my eyes just pass by. I don't know the layout of the pub you were in, but it's possible he hadn't seen you earlier, and just noticed a girl alone. It's happened me a few times. Usually the girl says she is waiting for someone. Of her bf is coming back. Sometimes they chat and a guy arrives. At this point I'll get out of there fairly quickly (but yeah it might take a few seconds)

 

4. As others mentioned, jabron might be anyone. I had a similar situation Saturday where a girl was looking at me but I saw she was with a guy. later I found out he was her brother. Opportunity wasted.

 

5. I don't think you getting angry at how you perceived the situation is wrong. I think maybe you just need to look at it from another perspective. As in the guy may not have known you were there. Or known that you were a couple. Or that when you came back he just needed a minute to extract in a social manner. Or that later at the bar he really was offering an olive branch as he had made an approach in error.

 

Guys generally don't try to pick up other guys gfs in front of them, so that would not have been my default assumption. There are always duchebag exceptions I know!

 

I think in that satiation I would have been more amused than angry when I came back initially. If after I made it clear we were together and he stayed around trying to pick her up, thats when I would have gotten angry.

 

Yeah, I think we have all rushed in to try and chat up a girl before realising she's with someone - that's understandable. But then I just apologise. There was no apology here. This guy attempted to plough on regardless. He just carried on pushing it (commenting on her appearance), with me right in front of him - which I took as a slight. I'm pretty sure he had a few to drink, and he was flush with dutch courage, in what was probably his regular with two strangers. I told him in the most acceptable way that I could think of in that moment.

 

I ignored him later, because you give some people an inch and they take a mile.

 

Still, the date was really good. Something as daft as that can throw you off a bit.

 

4. As others mentioned, jabron might be anyone. I had a similar situation Saturday where a girl was looking at me but I saw she was with a guy. later I found out he was her brother. Opportunity wasted.

 

Next time you're in that situation, chat with them and use small talk. Focus on the guy - not the girl. Then ask how they know each other.

 

That's how to not tread on toes IMO.