How best to deal with someone trying it on?

February 21, 2016

A girl and I went out last night. We were in a pub, and there was an incident. I went to the toilet, and came back to find a guy attempting to chat her up over at our table.

I got quite angry, but I think I hid it okay (I felt like hitting him, if I'm honest). I know that you lose if you get angry. But, I still needed to deal with the intruder. The woman I was with was being polite, but clearly uncomfortable.

I told him 'look mate, we're here together, and we're not looking to make new friends tonight'. The whole thing felt really awkward though. He sort of muttered 'okay' and walked off. Later, he tried making conversation at the bar, and I blanked him.

I've been wondering whether I could have dealt with it better. How would the ladies here like their guy to deal with a situation like this? And how do other guys handle it?

I don't want to come across as looking pissed off and butthurt, even if I am

February 21, 2016

I think you handled it well. The guy most likely knew the girl was with you and waited until you left to hit on her. This happened to me once. The guy saw me with someone else but I guess he thought he'd take his chances. As soon as my date went to the restroom, the other guy came up and talked to me. I saw him looking at me earlier so I know that he knew I was with someone.

I'm not sure what guys are thinking in these situations but maybe it pays off at times. Who knows? In your case, you made it clear that he wasn't welcome. It was good that you didn't lose your temper.

February 21, 2016

You handled it perfectly. I've always liked guys who don't lose their ****

February 21, 2016

You handled it perfectly I'd totally fall for you in that situation. Manly and protective. And your girl is surely attractive too

Are you guys having a second date?

February 21, 2016

You handled it perfectly. I've always liked guys who don't lose their ****

I have lost my sh*t in the past, got in trouble with the police, been given a warning and had to pay a fine for getting into fights. I don't want to keep getting in trouble, so I'm trying to deal with things better. Also, why allow one clown to ruin my night?

We live and learn

Thankfully, this idiot didn't start anything, and left us alone. He tried to talk to me later when I was ordering drinks - maybe he was being friendly or trying to put things right. I didn't trust it though, so I was cold with him.

February 21, 2016

You handled it perfectly I'd totally fall for you in that situation. Manly and protective. And your girl is surely attractive too
Are you guys having a second date?

I'm going to ask her out for next Friday. But, this time, I'm going to have her meet me in my town.

On this date, I went to where she lived to help her feel comfortable. So, we ended up in a pub that I've only been to a few times. It wasn't my territory. Then, this idiot who has had a drink and got Dutch courage decided to try it on. It never would have happened where I live.

I lost my concentration for a little while after, but she seemed happy. We had a good time, we kissed and things got heated, but I didn't push for sex. We were texting after the date, so there is really good energy.

Maybe, I could have asked her back to my place, but the logistics didn't seem right (thirty minutes on a train). Next time, we will just 'happen' to be going past my place on the way home

February 21, 2016

Perfect on both interactions. Maybe the dude didn't see that you two were together and he only saw your date by herself. imagined she was with a gf or smth. Can't blame a dude for trying his luck.

I think you can tell a lot by his reaction when he saw you at the table. If the dude was honestly embarrassed, you can try to ease the tension by saying smth like "she is a beautiful woman, but she's taken, sorry, mate". If, however, he is irritated to see you talking to him, yeah you can be more tough.

I am put off by men who get angry easily or who display aggression towards eachother. I cannot stand anger, violence or violent word exchanges. I appreciate diplomacy and reading body language and feeling protected. So the worse you could do is provoke a violent word exchange at the table, near the woman. Or be rude to the guy in front of your date, because you'd be endangering her, should the guy decide to not appreciate your attitude and want to hit you.

I think this is very important:

- don't let your anger dominate you

- do not provoke or get provoked

- do not endanger your date

- do not use disrespectful or aggressive language towards the other man, in front of your date

- try to read his reaction and adapt yours accordingly, in a civil yet firm way

- try - if possible - to break the tension and continue to enjoy your evening

- don't be mad a dude for appreciating your date and trying to talk to her (fair enough to approach a single lade)

- maybe... pick better places for your dates

February 21, 2016

Why didn't your date tell him she's not interested? She is a full grown adult and it's not particularly hard to tell a guy "I'm on a date, not interested" or something to that effect.

Anyway that's not what you asked so I'll address your question. Why not say something in a joking manner like walk up to them and say "Hey buddy, I know she's beautiful, but she's here with me" then you smile as he gets up and walks away. It's that simple. Your most recent answer was perfect but why were you boiling inside. Do you have other anger issues in your life or does it just manifest in the realm of dating?

I've personally always said I wanted a man strong enough to protect me but smart enough to know that it's a real rarity when I actually need protecting. If I'm approached by a man in any setting when in a relationship. Whether my boyfriend is in the bathroom or didn't come that night I have zero issues telling a guy "I'm here with someone", " No, thanks" or for the Rico Suave wannabees "**** off". This has never in my life turned into an argument or fight.

If a man tried to fight another man who hit on me I'd leave him. I'll never date someone with so little self control ever again. How did it turn to fights in the past? What are you saying to these men to rile them up so much?

February 21, 2016

A girl and I went out last night. We were in a pub, and there was an incident. I went to the toilet, and came back to find a guy attempting to chat her up over at our table.

I got quite angry, but I think I hid it okay (I felt like hitting him, if I'm honest). I know that you lose if you get angry. But, I still needed to deal with the intruder. The woman I was with was being polite, but clearly uncomfortable.

I told him 'look mate, we're here together, and we're not looking to make new friends tonight'. The whole thing felt really awkward though. He sort of muttered 'okay' and walked off. Later, he tried making conversation at the bar, and I blanked him.

I've been wondering whether I could have dealt with it better. How would the ladies here like their guy to deal with a situation like this? And how do other guys handle it?

I don't want to come across as looking pissed off and butthurt, even if I am

I think I would just be a little less "all over it". I mean, just make it a little lighter -- "hey, I'm Jabron, she's my date and she's pretty hot, right?" He get's the message, the awkwardness has been reduced at least and there's no hard feelings. He came over to talk to you, probably a little bit of an olive branch.

If you were a little pissed, were you thinking she wasn't doing enough to dissuade him? Frankly, she's the one who should be turning him away. And, maybe she was. If he was pushing the issue after she'd deflected his advances, then you'd need to interject more.

February 21, 2016

This happens a lot in my neck of the woods in LA. It happens almost every time the man goes to the toilet, he needs a friend around to guard his date for him. At the bar, if the seat on her other side is available, some guy would come and start chatting up. You can't take offense each time when it's so common. I think you just ended up in a pub you're not familiar with.

February 21, 2016

Why didn't your date tell him she's not interested? She is a full grown adult and it's not particularly hard to tell a guy "I'm on a date, not interested" or something to that effect.

I was watching her to see if she was encouraging it – she wasn't. If she was, I would have walked out and left her to him. She's a girly-girl and only 20, so not that assertive.

Anyway that's not what you asked so I'll address your question. Why not say something in a joking manner like walk up to them and say "Hey buddy, I know she's beautiful, but she's here with me" then you smile as he gets up and walks away.

It was more awkward than that though. He was trying to chat her up ('where are you from?', 'you look Spanish' etc), and then when I was staring at him, he started trying to get in with me by asking me questions. This guy had no shame. He was a weasel, and seemed intent on hanging around like a bad smell. I like having a laugh, but not when someone is encroaching on me and trying it on. Joking with this guy would have only encouraged him anyway.

Your most recent answer was perfect but why were you boiling inside.

Because this guy was really taking the piss. I have never tried to take another man's woman under his nose. That's really [poor behavior] IMO. Every man knows how disrespectful that is. My younger cousin tried doing that to get a girl one night when I was out with him, and I put him straight about it too.

How did it turn to fights in the past? What are you saying to these men to rile them up so much?

I come from England. I don't know if Americans realise what Friday and Saturday nights are like over here. It's chaos . People go to the football during the day, and go out to get pissed up during the night. It's impossible to be in clubland for any amount of time without getting in a few punch-ups over stupid crap. I'm growing out of that stuff now though, and I haven't got in a fight on a date yet thankfully

So what should I have done if things would have escalated and the guy would have started insulting me or my date? Walk away, or call the police, or what?

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 21, 2016

I don't have a lot of respect for men who blow their tops. If they can deflect assertively, but with humor, that's ideal.

February 21, 2016

I come from England. I don't know if Americans realise what Friday and Saturday nights are like over here. It's chaos . People go to the football during the day, and go out to get pissed up during the night. It's impossible to be in clubland for any amount of time without getting in a few punch-ups over stupid crap. I'm growing out of that stuff now though, and I haven't got in a fight on a date yet thankfully

So what should I have done if things would have escalated and the guy would have started insulting me or my date? Walk away, or call the police, or what?

I'm not sure I agree totally with that. I mean, I'm from England and have done the Friday/Saturday night thing for 20 odd years and while it can be crazy and there are a lot of drunk people about I have never been forced into a fight with anyone. Usually those that end up in that situation are looking for it.

February 21, 2016

I'm not sure I agree totally with that. I mean, I'm from England and have done the Friday/Saturday night thing for 20 odd years and while it can be crazy and there are a lot of drunk people about I have never been forced into a fight with anyone. Usually those that end up in that situation are looking for it.

Or people can be jealous, not handle their drink, etc.

Had one person try to fight me last year because he insisted that I was looking at him. I'd honestly never seen him before in my life.

February 21, 2016

I don't have a lot of respect for men who blow their tops. If they can deflect assertively, but with humor, that's ideal.

Unless a woman wants a rescuer, she shouldn't expect the man to handle "her" situation either. Bottom line here really is that it is up to the woman to assert for herself. I don't need a rescuer. How she handles the situation is a clue to the man. If she was entertaining the "intruder", that's a clue to her date that maybe she's not as focused on him as she should be.

They were at a table and that's different than being seated a bar too. A guy could sit next to a woman and engage in casual conversation. He may not necessarily be hitting on her so assuming that's the case, isn't good either.

I've been in this situation before. What I did was, when my date returned to the table, I handled the situation by saying "this is my date, Jabron, and it's been nice to meet you, Xname. Enjoy your evening." It also tells my date that I haven't been encouraging it in anyway.

I don't sit there feeling all awkward, I deal with it. If the guy was being persistent after my deflections, then I might want to let the guy deal with it. Elevate the issue if necessary and even then I'd want the guy to deal with it in a way that doesn't escalate it.

February 21, 2016

I'm a very social person and love to talk to anyone. I'm looking for a social and friendly guy. I'm also looking for a secure guy. On a date, if a guy demonstrates any insecurity about another man talking to me, I imagine how that gets worse later on in the relationship.

So...if we get more serious together, is he going to hate that I have close male friends? Is he going to get jealous every single time another man talks to me?

I'd be most attracted to a guy who wouldn't get mad at all in this situation. I want to be with the guy who comes back from the toilet, sees a guy talking to me, and just joins in the conversation. Be secure that I'm on a date with you, and feel good that other guys are hitting on your date. The way you responded to him would have turned me off, to be honest.

As a 20 year old, I would have been terrified of someone being so possessive.

Now, if a guy approaches me and is disrespectful, that's another story.

This goes both ways for me, by the way. My ex boyfriend one time met me at a bar. He was out with his friends, I left some of mine to meet him at the bar by his house. While waiting for him to get there, I sat by another woman my age who was by herself and we started a conversation. My boyfriend shows up and bought us all another round of drinks, and had a great time talking to her as well. He loved to chat up random strangers everywhere we went. That was one of the things I loved most about him.

Edited February 21, 2016 by AMJ

February 21, 2016

Later, he tried making conversation at the bar, and I blanked him.

blanked him = punched him out?

February 21, 2016

I have never really been into the macho posturing displayed here.

I am no-one's property, so I would not appreciate my date steaming over and getting rid of someone I was talking to in a pub.

If I needed help, I would ask for it, otherwise I am perfectly capable of fighting my own battles and deciding who is just being friendly in a pub or who is aggressively trying to pick me up.

Like redhead14 says, I do not need rescuing.

There are more subtle ways of getting rid of pests, and I think I would have preferred that approach if I had been the girl here.

The fact you were actually angry and wanted to hit him and you just managed to keep that anger under control, would be for me a no-no.

February 21, 2016

I think indifference is the best approach. I'd simply introduce myself, "Oh hey, I'm WfB, how's it going...", then sit down and pick up where I left off in my conversation (with the girl). Most guys get the message.

February 21, 2016

I'm a very social person and love to talk to anyone. I'm looking for a social and friendly guy. I'm also looking for a secure guy. On a date, if a guy demonstrates any insecurity about another man talking to me, I imagine how that gets worse later on in the relationship.
So...if we get more serious together, is he going to hate that I have close male friends? Is he going to get jealous every single time another man talks to me?

I'd be most attracted to a guy who wouldn't get mad at all in this situation. I want to be with the guy who comes back from the toilet, sees a guy talking to me, and just joins in the conversation. Be secure that I'm on a date with you, and feel good that other guys are hitting on your date. The way you responded to him would have turned me off, to be honest.
As a 20 year old, I would have been terrified of someone being so possessive.

Now, if a guy approaches me and is disrespectful, that's another story.

This goes both ways for me, by the way. My ex boyfriend one time met me at a bar. He was out with his friends, I left some of mine to meet him at the bar by his house. While waiting for him to get there, I sat by another woman my age who was by herself and we started a conversation. My boyfriend shows up and bought us all another round of drinks, and had a great time talking to her as well. He loved to chat up random strangers everywhere we went. That was one of the things I loved most about him.

I wasn't worried that he would be able to get anywhere with her. And, If she would have seemed into his spiel at all, I'd have just left them to it and gone home.

It was more of a man to man thing - about respect or lack of it.

I'm sure you ladies have a code about this sort of thing too.

February 21, 2016

blanked him = punched him out?

Nah, ignored him.

February 21, 2016

I wasn't worried that he would be able to get anywhere with her. And, If she would have seemed into his spiel at all, I'd have just left them to it and gone home.

It was more of a man to man thing - about respect or lack of it.

I'm sure you ladies have a code about this sort of thing too.

I can tell you weren't worried about her being interested in him. But that's what's so troubling- to me- about the fact that his approaching her made you so angry. And the fact that you don't even like her enough to want to "fight" (not physically fight) for her if she did actually talk to him, means that she's pretty insignificant to you...so again, why get so angry?

Look, I'm sure not all women feel the way I do. Some women want to be taken care of night and day, and don't mind being told who they can or can't talk to.

February 21, 2016

I can tell you weren't worried about her being interested in him. But that's what's so troubling- to me- about the fact that his approaching her made you so angry. And the fact that you don't even like her enough to want to "fight" (not physically fight) for her if she did actually talk to him, means that she's pretty insignificant to you...so again, why get so angry?

I'll explain from a guy perspective...

1) You get angry because it's disrespectful. The guy was eyeing the girl and waited for Jabron to leave so he could move in. The guy obviously didn't have respect for Jabron because he made a move on his date and still stuck around when he came back. Any man would be angry over this.

2) You don't fight over a woman you barely know. That's weak. You ask the guy to move on as the lady is with you. If he doesn't, you suggest to the lady that you move on away from the guy. Now, if you're seated at a table, you flag down a waitress and ask for the manager. If the guy touches the lady inappropriately, then you slug him - that's the only reason to. The only time I would lose my cool in a situation like that is if she's my wife.

Edited February 21, 2016 by truth_seeker

February 21, 2016

I can tell you weren't worried about her being interested in him. But that's what's so troubling- to me- about the fact that his approaching her made you so angry. And the fact that you don't even like her enough to want to "fight" (not physically fight) for her if she did actually talk to him, means that she's pretty insignificant to you...so again, why get so angry?

Listen, any woman that is happy being chatted up on a date, and start flirting back is an attention [seeker] and has just disqualified herself as unworthy of my time.

I was angry because some [guy] thought it okay to chat up my date in front of me - which shows me a complete lack of respect. If you can't understand how that can wind a guy up, then fair enough. You are lacking basic etiquette.

Some women want to be taken care of night and day, and don't mind being told who they can or can't talk to.

And, now you're starting to insinuate and shift things. []

[]

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and topical content

February 21, 2016

Jabron, I'm with you. You had every right as a man to be upset.

As for AMJ, in her defense, I don't think she was coming after you. I think she was pointing out that there are women who are submissive and prefer to have the man take control in any and every situation.

Edited February 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

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