angel.eyes Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 How is he holding back? The guy told you there was no chemistry. His body language confirms that. You've been talking for a year and have only managed three dates. I'll ask again, what does it take for you to accept that a guy isn't interested in you romantically? 1
joseb Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 . We genuinely get on and we were having fun teasing each other on the date and the conversation was flowing- this isn't something that's one sided. Maybe he just wants to hang out and be friends?
brokengirl85 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 OP, I don't get why you get so defensive. People are telling you what they think yet you're defending him and your "relationship" with him all the time now. It might be exhausting for you. I think that if everything is perfect now with him (you're teasing each other, making jokes, messaging back and forth, planning a date, etc) you don't need to feel insecure. Looks like everything is going smooth now, for what you're writing here?? My guess is OP needs so badly for this to work that she won't listen to any comment that says the contrary.
sagamore Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 This question was asked by someone else previously so I'll state again as you've not read the thread. I didn't give him sh*t for the fact his approach in wanting chemistry. It was the way in which he went about telling me he didn't feel chemistry, it was arrogant. And in reply to the person who asked why he messaged me out of the blue: it wasn't out of the blue, we've been messaging back and forth since the date. Who sent the first message after the date?
Author soph-walker Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 Who sent the first message after the date? It was him. I've been thinking about it this afternoon and I've smelt the coffee so to speak. I just don't have the energy to be carrying on second guessing someone who has even admitted he's not good at expressing his feelings and who has told me he didn't feel chemistry after 2 dates. The fact he asked me on a third date (and now fourth) I suspect will only serve to waste more time. I think I'm done, guess I'm learning to pick my battles. Didn't mean any posts to read defensively, I do feel that some opinions here are fairly quick to judge or berate. End of sermon (and hopefully end of thread:rolleyes:)
brokengirl85 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Well, looks like you're changing your mind. Pretty weird reasoning since you've been obsessing with this guy for months now. My guess is you're giving up bc the guy is not interested, not initiating, and not excited about you. Not the contrary. Either way, I think your decision to move on and forget about him is the right one. You deserve better, you deserve to be loved and desired. I hope everything goes well for you.
Author soph-walker Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 Well, looks like you're changing your mind. Pretty weird reasoning since you've been obsessing with this guy for months now. My guess is you're giving up bc the guy is not interested, not initiating, and not excited about you. Not the contrary. Either way, I think your decision to move on and forget about him is the right one. You deserve better, you deserve to be loved and desired. I hope everything goes well for you. I've been obsessed with what I perceived as potential in a person and that's not something anyone can berate. When he got back in touch again, he said that if he had the opportunity to do things differently he would and I can only take people at face value on what they tell me, so as a reasonable person I gave him a second chance. I'm giving up because despite him arranging a fourth date for Wednesday evening, I feel I can predict how it will go again and I will be back at square 1. I'm done.
brokengirl85 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) I think you've made the right decision. Edited February 22, 2016 by brokengirl85 1
Eighty_nine Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I agree. I think the poor guy has zero interest and OP is somehow delusional (I'm really sorry to say this, I've been in your shoes before!) Doesn't help that some people here are encouraging her to keep pursuing him, and to force-kissing him. Poor guy. Sigh This guy wanted to hang out with her again; I think it's a little much to call OP "delusional." Also, did I miss that he point blank said he was not attracted to her? He said something about chemistry I know, but they are not necessarily the same things. 1
brokengirl85 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 This guy wanted to hang out with her again; I think it's a little much to call OP "delusional." Also, did I miss that he point blank said he was not attracted to her? He said something about chemistry I know, but they are not necessarily the same things. Lissvarna, don't just reply without having read the whole story. I think when a person expects too much, and hopes too much, delusions are a way of coping with the awful reality. In the case of OP, yesterday she was trying to defend this guy's actions, to try to prove he was interested on her, despite the evidence. Today, she realized this guy is not worth pursuing. I think she made the right decision. However, in case she agrees to go to a fourth date with him this Wednesday, she'll be in tune with reality and her expectations won't be delusional. just because she now understands the dynamic of the relationship. 1
Author soph-walker Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) Lissvarna, don't just reply without having read the whole story. I think when a person expects too much, and hopes too much, delusions are a way of coping with the awful reality. In the case of OP, yesterday she was trying to defend this guy's actions, to try to prove he was interested on her, despite the evidence. Today, she realized this guy is not worth pursuing. I think she made the right decision. However, in case she agrees to go to a fourth date with him this Wednesday, she'll be in tune with reality and her expectations won't be delusional. just because she now understands the dynamic of the relationship. There'll be absolutely no further dates from here with him. Another thing that's put me right off- when I saw him for date 3, he had asked about how many dates I'd had since him. I'd been on 4 dates with one guy (it turned out we just didn't fit right and was a mutual thing to not go any further), well he said 'oh I can't believe you've dated someone else to the point of 4 dates, you don't waste any time do you!' and also he's previously asked more than twice how much male attention I receive and asked if the size of my boobs have always got unwanted male attention. I wasn't able to meet him on a couple of nights he suggested and about 3/4 times on these evenings he messaged me asking 'how my date was going' and 'enjoy your date' as though the reason I wasn't free was because I was on a date and not actually because I was genuinely busy with other plans. He has also asked how much male attention I receive on dating websites. Think that's a jealous streak in him. Not good. Edited February 22, 2016 by soph-walker
Eighty_nine Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Lissvarna, don't just reply without having read the whole story. I think when a person expects too much, and hopes too much, delusions are a way of coping with the awful reality. In the case of OP, yesterday she was trying to defend this guy's actions, to try to prove he was interested on her, despite the evidence. Today, she realized this guy is not worth pursuing. I think she made the right decision. However, in case she agrees to go to a fourth date with him this Wednesday, she'll be in tune with reality and her expectations won't be delusional. just because she now understands the dynamic of the relationship. I did read the whole story. 1
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 There'll be absolutely no further dates from here with him. Another thing that's put me right off- when I saw him for date 3, he had asked about how many dates I'd had since him. I'd been on 4 dates with one guy (it turned out we just didn't fit right and was a mutual thing to not go any further), well he said 'oh I can't believe you've dated someone else to the point of 4 dates, you don't waste any time do you!' and also he's previously asked more than twice how much male attention I receive and asked if the size of my boobs have always got unwanted male attention. I wasn't able to meet him on a couple of nights he suggested and about 3/4 times on these evenings he messaged me asking 'how my date was going' and 'enjoy your date' as though the reason I wasn't free was because I was on a date and not actually because I was genuinely busy with other plans. He has also asked how much male attention I receive on dating websites. Think that's a jealous streak in him. Not good. Why is this just coming out now? If people had said to you to go on that 4th date would you have volunteered that new info about date 3? I read all of your threads and I was about to tell you to give it a 4th date. It took me 3 dates to feel attraction toward my boyfriend. When he kissed me on our 3rd date something switched in me and I saw him with different eyes. We've been dating 3 months now and to me he's the most beautiful man walking on the face of the earth right now. BUT now that are you giving us this additional info about him, I see he's an idiot who's not worthy of your time. 1
Author soph-walker Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Why is this just coming out now? If people had said to you to go on that 4th date would you have volunteered that new info about date 3? I read all of your threads and I was about to tell you to give it a 4th date. It took me 3 dates to feel attraction toward my boyfriend. When he kissed me on our 3rd date something switched in me and I saw him with different eyes. We've been dating 3 months now and to me he's the most beautiful man walking on the face of the earth right now. BUT now that are you giving us this additional info about him, I see he's an idiot who's not worthy of your time. Gaeta, do you mean what he said about me having been on 4 dates or the comments about my chest size/male attention? I was so concerned about the chemistry thing that I hadn't picked up on the bits of info above, but remembered what he'd said and it was like a light bulb switching on in my mind. think he has a disdain for women and his divorce has ruined him. Ps, congrats on 3 months, it's nice to hear some positivity about relationships!
Author soph-walker Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 What would anyone else make of it if a guy asked you on numerous occasions about the above points?(Chest size, male attention, dating life/how many dates)?
angel.eyes Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Honestly, why would you find this type of person attractive, and why would you stubbornly chase after him after he tells you there's no chemistry?
Author soph-walker Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 Honestly, why would you find this type of person attractive, and why would you stubbornly chase after him after he tells you there's no chemistry? I'm thinking you've not read the thread fully. The long and the short of it was, he came to me cap in hand saying he'd made a huge mistake and would do it all differently if I gave him the opportunity again. Which I gave him. And nothing changed. Hence me deciding in the end that it's not worth my time. Hope that helps.
angel.eyes Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 He's not asked you for another date. That's what prompted you to start the thread. You were convinced he was just shy and argued with everyone who suggested otherwise. At any rate, three dates in a year. You're making the right decision. Best of luck!
Author soph-walker Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 He's not asked you for another date. That's what prompted you to start the thread. You were convinced he was just shy and argued with everyone who suggested otherwise. At any rate, three dates in a year. You're making the right decision. Best of luck! He'd asked for a fourth date, which I had considered going on. I didn't say he was shy at all, having met him, I got the impression he was holding something back. as an aside, I'd turned down any meeting with him previously to our initial date as I had badly broken my leg and wasn't able to drive let alone walk/shower myself for a long time and was therefore unwilling to meet anyone in my sorry state. As soon as I was healed, we met. And thanks, think I've made the right decision too!
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Gaeta, do you mean what he said about me having been on 4 dates or the comments about my chest size/male attention? I was so concerned about the chemistry thing that I hadn't picked up on the bits of info above, but remembered what he'd said and it was like a light bulb switching on in my mind. think he has a disdain for women and his divorce has ruined him. Ps, congrats on 3 months, it's nice to hear some positivity about relationships! All of it dear, His comments on you dating another man 4 times and quitting on him. Asking you how much male attention you get. Asking if the size of your breasts is getting you attention. Texting you and asking how's your date, assuming you're with another man. ALL OF IT is trash! All of it ! ONLY one of these comments and I would have dropped him like yesterday's newpaper! I cannot imagine being told all of this by one man and wanting to have another date with him. Soph: The world is full of men, you don't need to put up with sh$t like this. No amounts of sexy lips or hard pectorals is gonna make me want to be with a man with a dirty mouth like this. All of his comments were objectifying you.
Author soph-walker Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 All of it dear, His comments on you dating another man 4 times and quitting on him. Asking you how much male attention you get. Asking if the size of your breasts is getting you attention. Texting you and asking how's your date, assuming you're with another man. ALL OF IT is trash! All of it ! ONLY one of these comments and I would have dropped him like yesterday's newpaper! I cannot imagine being told all of this by one man and wanting to have another date with him. Soph: The world is full of men, you don't need to put up with sh$t like this. No amounts of sexy lips or hard pectorals is gonna make me want to be with a man with a dirty mouth like this. All of his comments were objectifying you. I genuinely have not seen his comments as objectifying, but since you have raised it, I can totally see this and I'm quite shocked I hadn't picked up on it!! The times he'd asked me about dating other men had been in conversation and I had thought it was just that; conversation. And the same with whether or not my chest had received a lot of unwanted male attention, I just didn't even twig that this was something to be bothered over. My two closest friends told me that they thought it wasn't that he didn't 'fancy' me as such, it was that I was too good looking for him and he would always be insecure about it hence why he'd asked me how much male attention I've received in my life. (Pretty sure they weren't blowing smoke up my arse as they are the first people to tell me honestly if there's a situation that calls for it) They also said that some men can't stand attractive women and like to 'neg' them in order to feel one up on them and his was of doing this to me was to tell me he didn't feel chemistry yet thought I was 'epic fit' but didn't know how or why. (Google 'Negging' if you're not familiar, I did today and it's interesting). Another thing, he asked me why some women feel the need to tell a guy how much they earn and how expensive their car was- I got the feeling he felt intimidated by this and it didn't sit well with him. I've actually come to the conclusion he doesn't like women!
Gaeta Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 He certainly do not have respect for women. A man genuinely interested in you would never make these comments in fear to offend you or give you the wrong impression. This guy here doesn't care. Yes he is close to negging. Why do you still talk to him?
brokengirl85 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 He's a jerk. Disrespectful jerk. I don't see what you've seen on him. I think he's a total douche. Yikes
thecrucible Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Not meaning for this to sound the wrong way but maybe you got into analysis paralysis? I struggle with this as I think about things a lot. However the more experience I get, the more I trust my own judgement about a guy and the less I need others to confirm it. I think you get used to spotting the signs of bad egg and you trust your instinct. You should be proud and trust yours.
Author soph-walker Posted February 24, 2016 Author Posted February 24, 2016 Not meaning for this to sound the wrong way but maybe you got into analysis paralysis? I struggle with this as I think about things a lot. However the more experience I get, the more I trust my own judgement about a guy and the less I need others to confirm it. I think you get used to spotting the signs of bad egg and you trust your instinct. You should be proud and trust yours. Gaeta, I have severed all communication from the toxic jerk. And analysis paralysis is exactly what I would call it haha, I have gotten into a habit over over dissecting things lately to try and I know it's a waste of my time. It's been such a while (thank god) that I've actually dated a jerk, I must have forgotten they do exist!
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