3rd Date, awkward goodbye

[smackie9]

He apologized to you profusely because you gave him complete shi t....now you set the stage for making him leery about his choice to see you again. I feel you do have feelings for him and you are clearly disappointed that this guy is not showing you any real passion or interest in you. IMO he finds you attractive enough to ask out again, but it doesn't match up with your personality. The third date in his mind just confirmed it's not going to work.....possibly, hence the lack of wanting physical contact with you at the end of the date.

[soph-walker]

He apologized to you profusely because you gave him complete shi t....now you set the stage for making him leery about his choice to see you again. I feel you do have feelings for him and you are clearly disappointed that this guy is not showing you any real passion or interest in you. IMO he finds you attractive enough to ask out again, but it doesn't match up with your personality. The third date in his mind just confirmed it's not going to work.....possibly, hence the lack of wanting physical contact with you at the end of the date.

 

I can see potential is all, I still don't know him enough to make a decision on what it would be like to have a relationship.

 

He apologised profusely under his own steam, stating that he'd been thinking about what he said and how embarrassed he felt at saying it.

 

We've been messaging today with the prospect of meeting again. Idk, this is the trickiest experience for me.

[soph-walker]

Ugh I'm really feeling sad now because I cannot convince you to walk away from this guy plus the bad advice.

Go kiss him. He'll probably reciprocate because he doesn't want you to feel bad, but I don't think he'll pursue you. You're just too easy and had demonstrated you can be treated as a doormat (he rejected you, you still gave you another chance yet to reject you again) I don't know, I'm probably too sensitive because I myself have faced rejection way too many times.

 

Anyway, are you guys having a fourth date? Has he contacted you? Keep us posted, I really hope I'm wrong and everything goes smooth for you.

 

On the contrary, I've been feisty with him and he's said I did a good job of hiding my lioness streak and asked me why I wasn't more bold when we initially met.

 

I don't feel majorly offended now by what he initially told me about lack of chemistry. I initially did but in the end I thought fck it!

 

And I can only say that I'm a strong enough person to put myself out there to risk rejection. Rejection is part of life now and then, be it in love, work or otherwise. It takes a courageous person to put themselves forward and be vulnerable in a world where so many don't have the courage to do so and run away rather than risk being rejected.

Edited February 21, 2016 by soph-walker

[Toodaloo]

This is bad advice. I'm surprised to read this.

I'd highly encourage OP to NOT do this.

 

I have had a couple of relationships start by doing this. Women should not expect men to be puppets and do all the work. Relationships are a two way thing and sometimes you just have to take the initiative and go for it.

 

Those shy guys out there who are terrified... some of them are really great, very masculine guys that just need a push in the right direction.

 

Everyone is different.

 

Soph if this guy sorts himself out do it. If he doesn't move on.

[basil67]

Rule of thumb: no matter how self confident you are, don't go in for a kiss if there's no chemistry. So, you did the right thing by not initiating.

 

Despite wanting to try again after not feeling it on the second date, the fact that there was no physical contact or chemistry on the third date shows that he's just not into you.

 

Sorry. It's time to move on from this one. Potential means nothing.

[Toodaloo]

Soph.

 

On this next date try touching his arm and flirting with him a bit. If he leaps back as though he has been stung then you know its a no go if he tries to reciprocate then find a way to show him its OK.

 

Being sociable and guadging body language isn't rocket science. Instead of beating round the bush get on with it.

 

I really do wonder how many potential relationships fail so fast because people miss read or are nervous or awkward...

 

Yes many SHOULD fail as they are not matches. But...

 

Soph - I get it. I understand but if this guy does not step up on this next date and you decide not to go in for the kiss there will be a reason for that so just let it go. Rural or not you have options.

[soph-walker]

Soph.

 

On this next date try touching his arm and flirting with him a bit. If he leaps back as though he has been stung then you know its a no go if he tries to reciprocate then find a way to show him its OK.

 

Being sociable and guadging body language isn't rocket science. Instead of beating round the bush get on with it, we've been in touch for a year now..it's time to do it or move on! He even stated on his profile he was not so hot at expressing his feelings. Should have known haha

 

I really do wonder how many potential relationships fail so fast because people miss read or are nervous or awkward...

 

Yes many SHOULD fail as they are not matches. But...

 

Soph - I get it. I understand but if this guy does not step up on this next date and you decide not to go in for the kiss there will be a reason for that so just let it go. Rural or not you have options.

 

I agree 100% with what you are saying, I know I will be moving on verrry swiftly if he doesn't have the balls to come up with anything.

 

my gut reaction is that he's a plodder, I don't think he's an arsehole of a guy.

 

I'm guilty of too much patience for people!

[soph-walker]

Soph.

 

On this next date try touching his arm and flirting with him a bit. If he leaps back as though he has been stung then you know its a no go if he tries to reciprocate then find a way to show him its OK.

 

Being sociable and guadging body language isn't rocket science. Instead of beating round the bush get on with it.

 

I really do wonder how many potential relationships fail so fast because people miss read or are nervous or awkward...

 

Yes many SHOULD fail as they are not matches. But...

 

Soph - I get it. I understand but if this guy does not step up on this next date and you decide not to go in for the kiss there will be a reason for that so just let it go. Rural or not you have options.

 

I agree 100% with what you are saying, I know I will be moving on verrry swiftly if he doesn't have the balls to come up with anything, we've been in touch now for a year, it's wearing so thin! He even stated on his profile that he's not good at expressing his emotions into words.

 

my gut reaction is that he's a plodder, I don't think he's an arsehole of a guy.

 

I'm guilty of too much patience for people!

[elaine567]

Before we met for the third date he actually asked me if I planned on being revengeful when we met and said he hoped that wouldn't be the case!

 

Do you think he may now be a little scared of you?

[angel.eyes]

Yikes! He's clearly not feeling any chemistry with you. It's totally irrelevant how much potential you think there is. He has a different view. You can curse, brow beat, guilt trip or whatever, but at the end of the day, if he's not interested in you that way, he just isn't.

 

Three dates in a year should have told you something. Ditto for his body language and his telling you point blank that he's not attracted to you. You're not on the same page. Instead of trying to force another date with a guy who's very clearly not attracted to you and has told you so, find someone else who shares your enthusiasm.

 

I agree 100% with what you are saying, I know I will be moving on verrry swiftly if he doesn't have the balls to come up with anything, we've been in touch now for a year, it's wearing so thin! He even stated on his profile that he's not good at expressing his emotions into words.

 

my gut reaction is that he's a plodder, I don't think he's an arsehole of a guy.

 

I'm guilty of too much patience for people!

[soph-walker]

Yikes! He's clearly not feeling any chemistry with you. It's totally irrelevant how much potential you think there is. He has a different view. You can curse, brow beat, guilt trip or whatever, but at the end of the day, if he's not interested in you that way, he just isn't.

 

Three dates in a year should have told you something. Ditto for his body language and his telling you point blank that he's not attracted to you. You're not on the same page. Instead of trying to force another date with a guy who's very clearly not attracted to you and has told you so, find someone else who shares your enthusiasm.

 

Conjecture again...

 

How do you actually know that he's not scared to initiate? We only met in December, previous to that was online waffling on and on.

Edited February 21, 2016 by soph-walker

[angel.eyes]

For starters, you've been on three dates in a year of contact. A guy telling you point blank that he's not attracted to you is not a sign that he's afraid to initiate.

 

I'm curious, what would it take for you to accept that a guy isn't interested?

[joseb]

For starters, you've been on three dates in a year of contact. A guy telling you point blank that he's not attracted to you is not a sign that he's afraid to initiate.

 

I'm curious, what would it take for you to accept that a guy isn't interested?

 

I don't know what this guy is playing at. I've never told a girl I'm not attracted to her but still gone on a date!....

The only way this would happen is because of shared interest we decided to be platonic friends.

[brokengirl85]

For starters, you've been on three dates in a year of contact. A guy telling you point blank that he's not attracted to you is not a sign that he's afraid to initiate.

 

I'm curious, what would it take for you to accept that a guy isn't interested?

 

I agree. I think the poor guy has zero interest and OP is somehow delusional (I'm really sorry to say this, I've been in your shoes before!)

Doesn't help that some people here are encouraging her to keep pursuing him, and to force-kissing him. Poor guy. Sigh

[katiegrl]

I agree. I think the poor guy has zero interest and OP is somehow delusional (I'm really sorry to say this, I've been in your shoes before!)

Doesn't help that some people here are encouraging her to keep pursuing him, and to force-kissing him. Poor guy. Sigh

 

Agree with BG and angel.eyes, and others ........ soph, you said you have limited options, he probably does too, and is lonely, so decided to give it another shot (your third date), but realized no matter how beautiful and intelligent he thinks you are, he is just not *feeling it* as they say.

 

Hence why even less physical affection than on the first two dates.

 

I am so sorry, but the writing is on the wall here....best you try and forget him and move on.

[soph-walker]

Ok so he's messaged me to apologise for not making a move stating he wasn't sure how I'd react to it and has asked to see me after work this week.

 

I guess I'll have to take it from there. Talk about headf*ck.

 

I'm not even sure I have the energy for this!

[thecrucible]

Hey Soph! Hope it goes well for you. I'm rooting for you. The only thing that concerns me is his comment about you being a lioness and not bringing that out earlier. I could be reading into it so if my advice makes no sense then please ignore it. It concerns me because I'm reserved with people initially and don't like the idea of jumping through hoops just to hold a man's attention - he should be into me anyway. I dated a guy who seemed to enjoy when I gave him crap for acting like an arrogant arse but it's because he was completely non-committal and it turned him on. Anyway later down the line, it was a total headf*ck. I think he was the kind of guy who was willing to go along with things as long as I made the effort but otherwise couldn't be bothered. Luckily I didn't make too much effort. It just turned into an annoying stalemate until we broke up.

[brokengirl85]

Ok so he's messaged me to apologise for not making a move stating he wasn't sure how I'd react to it and has asked to see me after work this week.

 

I guess I'll have to take it from there. Talk about headf*ck.

 

I'm not even sure I have the energy for this!

 

He just messaged from nowhere to apologize or you contacted him first asking why he didn't make a move?

[Robratory]

Ok so he's messaged me to apologise for not making a move stating he wasn't sure how I'd react to it and has asked to see me after work this week.

 

I guess I'll have to take it from there. Talk about headf*ck.

 

I'm not even sure I have the energy for this!

 

Is he in therapy or something? He talks like someone with "issues" going through therapy. There's a phase in that process where, in the name of "authenticity," you just blab whatever random thought pops into your head to whomever happens to be around to hear it.

[Leigh 87]

That's fine, thanks for replying.

 

When he initially told me he didn't feel chemistry, I gave him **** for it and told him it was an arrogant view to have and unacceptable to be approaching dating with this view.

 

When he later got in touch to apologise, I gave him even more **** and stood my ground, he was very very apologetic and I think he gets that I'm not a woman to be crossed. I just like to give people a chance.

 

I'm not in love with him, we don't properly know each other so therefore I'm willing to give him or guys in general a bit of a chance, especially as he was so apologetic.

 

Wow you gave him sh*t for approaching dating with the preference of seeking chemistry with women he invests time in?

 

How bizarre.

 

I think the way you go about dating is silly too butI'd never give you sh*t for it! I just don't personally feel like investing time into men who I don't feel chemistry with. And it's BIZARRE to know that you think it's a universal crap way to date!

 

You do realise that not everyone benifits from doing things exactly the same way as you choose to?

 

Maybe he doesn't get any joy out of dating women who he doesn't feel excited about just because she is good on paper? ..

 

No ones owes you a second or third date just because you're a good catch. And there is NOTHING wrong with their approach to dating for wanting the chemistry!

[Leigh 87]

Soph - Sometimes you just have to take the lead. IN fact with some guys you basically have to be as blunt as a bull in a china shop because they are so scared of rejection!

 

So if you go out on a date with this guy again, ask him to walk you to your car again, push him up against it and tell him that you are going to kiss him unless he makes it clear right now that he does not want that... Then just do it.

 

How sad.

 

I think it's pretty sad when you are with a man who just isn't overwhelmed with desire for you.

 

If a man is super into you and feeling very sexually attracted....... . He will lean over and kiss you by date 3. Usually date 1. And he'll likely have been wanting to kiss you for a hour or the entire night before plucking up the nerve to actually do it!

 

To me, it is inherently UN feminine about being the one who has to take charge and kiss a man due to him not exactly being dying to kiss you or feeling lukewarm about any physical contact.

 

I made the first moves in some regards with men in the past but it was OBVIOUS that they were wanting to rip my clothes off and we were flirting heavily so me kissing them first was still mirroring their touchy feely, OBVIOUSLY amorous behavior towards me.........

 

This man is not overwhelmed with desire for her. He doesn't feel strong urges. He should after date 3. It's how passionate love starts.

[soph-walker]

Wow you gave him sh*t for approaching dating with the preference of seeking chemistry with women he invests time in?

 

How bizarre.

 

I think the way you go about dating is silly too butI'd never give you sh*t for it! I just don't personally feel like investing time into men who I don't feel chemistry with. And it's BIZARRE to know that you think it's a universal crap way to date!

 

You do realise that not everyone benifits from doing things exactly the same way as you choose to?

 

Maybe he doesn't get any joy out of dating women who he doesn't feel excited about just because she is good on paper? ..

 

No ones owes you a second or third date just because you're a good catch. And there is NOTHING wrong with their approach to dating for wanting the chemistry!

 

This question was asked by someone else previously so I'll state again as you've not read the thread.

 

I didn't give him sh*t for the fact his approach in wanting chemistry. It was the way in which he went about telling me he didn't feel chemistry, it was arrogant.

 

And in reply to the person who asked why he messaged me out of the blue: it wasn't out of the blue, we've been messaging back and forth since the date.

[soph-walker]

Wow you gave him sh*t for approaching dating with the preference of seeking chemistry with women he invests time in?

 

How bizarre.

 

I think the way you go about dating is silly too butI'd never give you sh*t for it! I just don't personally feel like investing time into men who I don't feel chemistry with. And it's BIZARRE to know that you think it's a universal crap way to date!

 

You do realise that not everyone benifits from doing things exactly the same way as you choose to?

 

Maybe he doesn't get any joy out of dating women who he doesn't feel excited about just because she is good on paper? ..

 

No ones owes you a second or third date just because you're a good catch. And there is NOTHING wrong with their approach to dating for wanting the chemistry!

 

You live in a very idealised world don't you?

 

I don't remember saying that anyone owed me anything, least of all another date so your comment about that was meaningless.

Edited February 22, 2016 by soph-walker

[Leigh 87]

Ah ok I get it. All good.

 

Don't you think you can do better than a guy who starts off lukewarm about you?

 

There is something very special in both crossing paths with one another and just having a big crush on them. Feeling giddy and excited about getting their attention and whenever you get a text you're overjoyed when it's them.

 

Can you see how it can be dull and not very passionate when you're not even dying to kiss your date?

 

If real chemistry was there he would have been dying to kiss you and it would have shown.

 

Don't you want a guy to be enamoured with you?

[soph-walker]

Ah ok I get it. All good.

 

Don't you think you can do better than a guy who starts off lukewarm about you?

 

There is something very special in both crossing paths with one another and just having a big crush on them. Feeling giddy and excited about getting their attention and whenever you get a text you're overjoyed when it's them.

 

Can you see how it can be dull and not very passionate when you're not even dying to kiss your date?

 

If real chemistry was there he would have been dying to kiss you and it would have shown.

 

Don't you want a guy to be enamoured with you?

 

Of course I would like any guy to be enammered, I totally get your pov and agree that chemistry is a vital part of any relationship, don't get me wrong.

 

People may think I'm delusional but with respect I'm the only one who's met this guy and felt like he's holding back something. We genuinely get on and we were having fun teasing each other on the date and the conversation was flowing- this isn't something that's one sided. I guess time will tell.

 

Either that or he is a time wasting idiot, by which point I will happily move on and cut this guy loose.

Edited February 22, 2016 by soph-walker