soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Long story short, had a 3rd date with a guy last night who I've wittered on about here before. Had met up with him against my better judgement, went for a meal and drinks. Conversation flowed, he apologised again for being an idiot previously and we genuinely seemed/felt/were relaxed around one another. And I learnt that he's not very demonstrative in terms of him opening up either emotionally or physically (not very forward acting until he feels comfortable with someone) which is how I am also. After having a lovely date, he asked if I wanted to have him walk me to my car, I said the company would be lovely as it was a little way off from where we ate. We fell fairly silent and it felt incredibly awkward, making bits of small talk til we got to my car. I wanted to grab him and kiss him, but felt worried he wouldn't be into it, so I said it was good to see him again, he reciprocated and wished me a safe journey home, and off we went our seperate ways. The first two dates had ended with a little hug/peck on the check, but the third was no physical contact whatsoever. Would anyone say it's possible he's as nervous as I was about initiating? I have no idea what's what anymore!
bathtub-row Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I don't really know the full history here but this doesn't sound like a very comfortable relationship to me. I wouldn't try to make into something it's not.
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I agree. Sounds uncomfortable. Maybe it's not really worth of your time.
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 The back story is, he told me he didn't feel masses of chemistry after our 2nd date, which then lead to him telling me the real reason is that he didn't feel it is because I seemed shy and quiet after our first two dates. He contacted me again a few weeks after these 2 dates to apologise for being so hasty in his judgement and that he'd approached it from totally the wrong way and if I wasn't pissed at him would I consider meeting again. I told him that I would feel cautious in meeting him again and he said he understood, so we went ahead and met up. We genuinely get on though. I'm overthinking.
Leigh 87 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 It silll sounds like there really ISN'T masses of chemistry. Sorry. You shouldn't be able to take your hands off each other after the first initial dates and for months after.... How important is sexual chemistry to you and to him? 1
bathtub-row Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I personally wouldn't be able to get past his initial assessment of you. Any time the two of you disagree or go through bad times, you're going to wonder if he's thinking again about his judgment of you in the beginning. There's not enough to keep this going at this stage. You're always going to remind yourself about how you reconnected with him "against your better judgment", which is never a good idea. First dates should feel very right from the beginning. Do yourself a favor and don't ignore the red flags. 1
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Ok I took the time to read your whole story with this guy. -he was honest with you after your second date. He felt no spark with you whatsoever -you kept thinking about this guy despite his honest comment -he contacted you in January and started a dialogue. -you hoped something has changed and he realizes now your value and potential -you agreed to meet him again despite him previously rejecting you -you realized he's the same guy as before -he's probably also realized he's still feeling no spark for you Now, a couple things: He contacted bc he had no other options at the time. He probably decided to give you a second thought. You've decreased your value going out with someone who previously rejected you. In his mind that means you're an easy prey and you have no other options. This will NEVER end up well. His awkward silence at the end and his lack of physical intimacy are KEY to understand how dissapointed he might be with the whole situation. I'm sorry. I don't see how this could end up well. Stop thinking about him. He's not for you. Stop going out with every loser who contacts you on old. Be selective!!! Your time matters. Be assertive. Do not fall for people who are not interested on you. And most importantly, follow your guts and do not give second chances after someone rejects you so brutally as this guy did before. 3
KatZee Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Even if someone is shy or quiet on a date due to nerves, you can kind of tell if there's chemistry there or not. This guy was honest with you. After two dates, he wasn't feeling it. That's typically how many dates I'll give a new prospect, but if I'm not feeling anything by date two, there's no point going forward. He's not nervous about initiating contact with you he's just not feeling you on a romantic level. The goodbye you had on the last date, should be the last time you see him. It's not progressing, it's actually get more and more awkward as time goes on. You can't force these things. 2
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Stop going out with every loser who contacts you on old. You had me up until this line. Don't say every guy who contacts her is a loser. You come off very bitter towards men in general. 4
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Even if someone is shy or quiet on a date due to nerves, you can kind of tell if there's chemistry there or not. This guy was honest with you. After two dates, he wasn't feeling it. That's typically how many dates I'll give a new prospect, but if I'm not feeling anything by date two, there's no point going forward. He's not nervous about initiating contact with you he's just not feeling you on a romantic level. The goodbye you had on the last date, should be the last time you see him. It's not progressing, it's actually get more and more awkward as time goes on. You can't force these things. You know right away if anything is there or not. I'm surprised there was a third date. There definitely should not be a fourth date. 1
bu2002 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 *Have you wondered what it would be like to have sex with him? *Do you lose track of time when you're together? *How many times have you found the both of you laughing together at something you're talking about? *Do you find yourself becoming more curious and intrigued by him? *After any of your dates, have you found yourself privately hoping he texts you about what a good time he had? After three dates, you don't need to be infatuated with him in the least bit, but the above should start to become present or thought about privately. 3
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 You had me up until this line. Don't say every guy who contacts her is a loser. You come off very bitter towards men in general.[/ In a previous thread she said she goes out with EVERY guy who initiates on OLD. She doesn't filter guys at all. EVERY guy. 100% of them. Who does that nowadays? It's ok to give the guys a chance but time is priceless. If I had to go out with every guy who contacts me, I'd be dating 24 hours every day. I receive 50 messages per day from guys. I mean, how's that possible??? 1
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 In a previous thread she said she goes out with EVERY guy who initiates on OLD. She doesn't filter guys at all. EVERY guy. 100% of them. Who does that nowadays? It's ok to give the guys a chance but time is priceless. If I had to go out with every guy who contacts me, I'd be dating 24 hours every day. I receive 50 messages per day from guys. I mean, how's that possible??? Okay, fine... but do not categorize every guy as a loser. That's not right. 3
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 You had me up until this line. Don't say every guy who contacts her is a loser. You come off very bitter towards men in general.[/ In a previous thread she said she goes out with EVERY guy who initiates on OLD. She doesn't filter guys at all. EVERY guy. 100% of them. Who does that nowadays? It's ok to give the guys a chance but time is priceless. If I had to go out with every guy who contacts me, I'd be dating 24 hours every day. I receive 50 messages per day from guys. I mean, how's that possible??? I'm guessing you don't live rurally like I do. Until you're in my position, try not to sound so judgmental and bitter, it's so easy to apply your own experience of dating onto others experiences without knowing the full picture. He said the real reason he didn't feel the spark initially was because I seemed like I was meek, not because he didn't fancy me, he said I seemed scared and passive and also said he knows that not to be the case now. We have chemistry, I leaned into him last night and he went bright red in the face, but I do feel he's not a guy that's willing to make the first move. And to the person that said he only contacted me because he had no other offers, well that's just your conjecture isn't it? Why are most opinions on here so unwilling to give people a chance? Is the swipe culture of yes/no decisions and no inbetween already so ingrained into how people think... 2
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 You had me up until this line. Don't say every guy who contacts her is a loser. You come off very bitter towards men in general.[/ In a previous thread she said she goes out with EVERY guy who initiates on OLD. She doesn't filter guys at all. EVERY guy. 100% of them. Who does that nowadays? It's ok to give the guys a chance but time is priceless. If I had to go out with every guy who contacts me, I'd be dating 24 hours every day. I receive 50 messages per day from guys. I mean, how's that possible??? To clarify, I met up with every guy I was interested in seeing, those that were too far away or too old etc I simply messaged and stated the facts.
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 *Have you wondered what it would be like to have sex with him? *Do you lose track of time when you're together? *How many times have you found the both of you laughing together at something you're talking about? *Do you find yourself becoming more curious and intrigued by him? *After any of your dates, have you found yourself privately hoping he texts you about what a good time he had? After three dates, you don't need to be infatuated with him in the least bit, but the above should start to become present or thought about privately. All of the above applies. 1
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I'm sorry, I didn't want to sound judgemental. I just wanted to give you my honest answer. I read your story. I felt compelled to let you know sometimes you don't have to give chances to this type of guys. If he thinks he can say whatever he wants to you, reject you tgen take you again, it's most probably a jerk or someone who is a player. I'd stay away from him, OP. Seriously. And I don't live in a city either, I live 1 hour from the city. I'm very picky. Too much I guess. i value my time with the guys I choose.
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 I'm sorry, I didn't want to sound judgemental. I just wanted to give you my honest answer. I read your story. I felt compelled to let you know sometimes you don't have to give chances to this type of guys. If he thinks he can say whatever he wants to you, reject you tgen take you again, it's most probably a jerk or someone who is a player. I'd stay away from him, OP. Seriously. And I don't live in a city either, I live 1 hour from the city. I'm very picky. Too much I guess. i value my time with the guys I choose. That's fine, thanks for replying. When he initially told me he didn't feel chemistry, I gave him **** for it and told him it was an arrogant view to have and unacceptable to be approaching dating with this view. When he later got in touch to apologise, I gave him even more **** and stood my ground, he was very very apologetic and I think he gets that I'm not a woman to be crossed. I just like to give people a chance. I'm not in love with him, we don't properly know each other so therefore I'm willing to give him or guys in general a bit of a chance, especially as he was so apologetic. 1
SoleMate Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I don't see any issue with continuing to give each other a chance. Sometimes chemistry definitely does take time to grow.....especially the kind of chemistry that based on personality and intellect rather than just appearance. And more so when one of the people is reserved, "meek", or perhaps shy, and thus needs a bit more familiarity to warm up and show his/her true and adorable self. If you go through the list of "36 questions to fall in love" together, then it will be time to evaluate the spark level. (I would only do this if you both feel on paper that things are right.) Good luck! 1
Toodaloo Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Soph - Sometimes you just have to take the lead. IN fact with some guys you basically have to be as blunt as a bull in a china shop because they are so scared of rejection! So if you go out on a date with this guy again, ask him to walk you to your car again, push him up against it and tell him that you are going to kiss him unless he makes it clear right now that he does not want that... Then just do it. 2
katiegrl Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 That's fine, thanks for replying. -- ***When he initially told me he didn't feel chemistry, I gave him **** for it and told him it was an arrogant view to have and unacceptable to be approaching dating with this view. *** -- When he later got in touch to apologise, I gave him even more **** and stood my ground, he was very very apologetic and I think he gets that I'm not a woman to be crossed. I just like to give people a chance. I'm not in love with him, we don't properly know each other so therefore I'm willing to give him or guys in general a bit of a chance, especially as he was so apologetic. Hi soph. Re quote above in asterisk, just curious, but why do you feel it's unacceptable for a guy not to feel chemistry with you (or any women)? And that he should not be dating because he doesn't feel chemistry with every woman he meets and has a couple of dates with? Not understanding your rationale there, can you clarify? It is very rare when we feel true chemistry with someone, and it's necessary sometimes to date lots of different people till we feel it. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever IMO. Plus, he was honest with you. Not sure why he even had to apologize for that. That's dating and it's all perfectly normal. Jmo 1
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 Hi soph. Re quote above in asterisk, just curious, but why do you feel it's unacceptable for a guy not to feel chemistry with you (or any women)? And that he should not be dating because he doesn't feel chemistry with every woman he meets and has a couple of dates with? Not understanding your rationale there, can you clarify? It is very rare when we feel true chemistry with someone, and it's necessary sometimes to date lots of different people till we feel it. There is nothing wrong with that whatsoever IMO. Plus, he was honest with you. Not sure why he even had to apologize for that. That's dating and it's all perfectly normal. Jmo Ah, I don't think I explained myself very well here, sorry about that. I didn't give him crap for what he said, it was the arrogant phrasing he used which I didn't appreciate. 1
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Soph - Sometimes you just have to take the lead. IN fact with some guys you basically have to be as blunt as a bull in a china shop because they are so scared of rejection! So if you go out on a date with this guy again, ask him to walk you to your car again, push him up against it and tell him that you are going to kiss him unless he makes it clear right now that he does not want that... Then just do it. This is bad advice. I'm surprised to read this. I'd highly encourage OP to NOT do this.
Author soph-walker Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 This is bad advice. I'm surprised to read this. I'd highly encourage OP to NOT do this. I agree with Toodaloo in saying sometimes you have to take the lead. My pre OLD dalliances were guys I'd flirted with in real life either mutual friends or guys I'd met in chance situations in real life (bars, at work etc) so there'd been natural flirtations there already. I find OLD very unnatural, two complete strangers trying to work out if they're compatible for a serious relationship and my OLD experience is vastly different to my 'real life' dating experience and I'm willing to let to things blossom. I would happily snog his face off (ha) with a little more encouragement from him. Before we met for the third date he actually asked me if I planned on being revengeful when we met and said he hoped that wouldn't be the case!
brokengirl85 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Ugh I'm really feeling sad now because I cannot convince you to walk away from this guy plus the bad advice. Go kiss him. He'll probably reciprocate because he doesn't want you to feel bad, but I don't think he'll pursue you. You're just too easy and had demonstrated you can be treated as a doormat (he rejected you, you still gave you another chance yet to reject you again) I don't know, I'm probably too sensitive because I myself have faced rejection way too many times. Anyway, are you guys having a fourth date? Has he contacted you? Keep us posted, I really hope I'm wrong and everything goes smooth for you.
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