bathtub-row Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 There is a whole lifestyle incompatibility that's going on here, not just his attitude towards porn and liking his friends' pictures on FB. Interest in swinging is a whole different ball of wax. You need to really stop trying to force this fit with this guy and take a long, hard look at what he's been dropping in your lap, bit by bit, with regards to his lifestyle views--because they do not dovetail with yours. At. All. His interests are taking him on a trajectory that leads away from what it is you say you want out of a boyfriend--and for a time, he may convince himself to change course for a minute, but if he's been doing this/thinking this way since before he met you, then eventually, the day is going to come where you both find yourselves at the crossroads and he may decide he doesn't want to go in your direction anymore. If he didn't care about it, he wouldn't have dropped that bit into your lap. It wouldn't have even been an issue to bring up in the first place. You've got a lot of serious thinking you need to be doing. Amen to this. Very well said. I have personally never had any guy suggest swinging to me. And if I had, that would've been the end of the road right there. This is something that's not even on my radar, it's such a foreign concept to me. But with OP's bf, this is an idea worth entertaining. Very bad sign. 1
Eighty_nine Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 (edited) Speak for yourself, because to many people porn is cheating. Using another woman or mans sex off to get off IS cheating. Would it be ok for a stranger to text sexual pics and you or your partner use them to get off? Of course not, but people think porn isn't real. They are real people. It's no different than sexting pics it's just a different medium. Nope, because that is a direct interaction - if a stranger is txting him a photo, that is a personal interaction. Some exchange of phone numbers happened, some conversation occurred. I wouldn't be ok with him paying for cyber sex. (At least on his own, without me involved) NOT the same with porn. Porn is not a reciprocal interaction. Be secure enough in yourself that you know an image of another naked women on the inernet is not a threat to you, a real live flesh and blood person whom they have an intimate relationship with. Edited February 23, 2016 by lissvarna 1
joseb Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 There was another poster here complaining of her boyfriend masturbating to sexy women in music videos. Is porn really the problem? Is masturbating the problem? Should a guy only be allowed to masturbate with only his girlfriend in his mind? Masturbating a lot to porn is the problem. It desensitises you over time. It's the perfect combination of visual stimuli and the right amount of touch For younger guys, who grew up only fapping to porn it can be a huge problem, with them struggling to get off or even get it up for the real thing. For me it's not a morality issue. It's a real physical / mental issue. Check out yourbrainonporn. 3
hippychick3 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Porn...As a woman, porn does not bother me at all. My bf claims he doesn't watch it, but if he did watch it I wouldn't care as long as we were still having regular sex. Facebook...Liking girls pics on fb would only bother me if it were a very sexy or provocative picture. Otherwise, I don't feel threatened at all. It's just a like on fb. I have many male friends who are in relationships or married who like my pics. I've never thought once they were lusting after me or inappropriate for liking my pic. Strip clubs...I would only be okay with it if he went to a bachelor party and he wasn't engaged in any lap dances. My ex went once for a bachelor party, and it didn't bother me at all. Otherwise, no. Swinging...NO way, no how.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Masturbating a lot to porn is the problem. It desensitises you over time. It's the perfect combination of visual stimuli and the right amount of touch For younger guys, who grew up only fapping to porn it can be a huge problem, with them struggling to get off or even get it up for the real thing. For me it's not a morality issue. It's a real physical / mental issue. Check out yourbrainonporn. There's a TED talk on it too. Years before I dated my husband I dated a guy in his 30s that became so desensitized by it that he could no longer get an erection without it. Couldn't even give the guy a bj. Seriously. That's when I decided I wasn't into relationships that involved porn. I had heard of stuff like that happening but never experienced it. I found it also altered my sexuality in a very artificial way and made it more difficult for me to be intimate without having this "inner critic" running through my head about my partner. 2
Cinnamonstix Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I found it also altered my sexuality in a very artificial way and made it more difficult for me to be intimate without having this "inner critic" running through my head about my partner. DOT, do you mean that after you watched porn, it changed sex for you as well?
Larryville Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Yup porn is perfectly harmless… Cop Caught Masturbating To Cell Phone Porn In Patrol Car Is Arrested For Misconduct Cop Caught Masturbating To Cell Phone Porn In Patrol Car Is Arrested For Misconduct | The Smoking Gun 1
VeveCakes Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Nope, because that is a direct interaction - if a stranger is txting him a photo, that is a personal interaction. Some exchange of phone numbers happened, some conversation occurred. I wouldn't be ok with him paying for cyber sex. (At least on his own, without me involved) NOT the same with porn. Porn is not a reciprocal interaction. Be secure enough in yourself that you know an image of another naked women on the inernet is not a threat to you, a real live flesh and blood person whom they have an intimate relationship with. I hate this argument that women who are against porn in a relationship are somehow insecure. I'm very secure thank you very much. Porn is not a threat me in a relationship whatsoever in that regard. I have a problem with the moral aspect of getting your rocks off outside of a relationship. So if someone signed up on a website where they got texted photos then it would be ok because it wasn't "interactive"? I hope people realize that soon enough all porn will be interactive through our screens and then I can't wait to see how people draw the line in the sand for cheating. The media is the same, I find it crazy people can normalize porn so much. 1
VeveCakes Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 DOT, do you mean that after you watched porn, it changed sex for you as well? I could always tell when my ex was watching porn because he would treat me differently and I hated the way he treated me when he was watching it regularly. 1
smackie9 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 OP I bet money on it he is just going to tell you what you want to hear. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 OP I bet money on it he is just going to tell you what you want to hear. And herein lies the next problem. I agree he probably won't be 100% honest, given that he knows it hurts you OP. I think he will backtrack to avoid further problems, but it's worth having a discussion in any case. Only you can decide where your sexual boundaries are. You need to ask yourself what you're prepared to do if you find out he's continued to watch porn or visited a strip club. 3
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 OP I bet money on it he is just going to tell you what you want to hear. I could see him doing that. I feel like not talking to him about this anymore and just trying to lower my expectations with this relationship and accept that we won't be together forever and just enjoy the temporary time we have together.
soleilesquire Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 This is the way I feel about a lot of things, including porn, erotica, televised sports, soap operas, TV fishing, golf, reality TV just to name a few. However, me and 18 month old nephew were binge watching cartoons this weekend so we're probably on our way to being addicts. I'm sure that there is a study showing that we will never have healthy relationships until we kick our problem. Because everyone knows that you'll compare your partner with Lois Griffin or Spongebob and withhold intimacy from your partner in favor of watching Dora go exploring....
soleilesquire Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Nope, because that is a direct interaction - if a stranger is txting him a photo, that is a personal interaction. Some exchange of phone numbers happened, some conversation occurred. I wouldn't be ok with him paying for cyber sex. (At least on his own, without me involved) NOT the same with porn. Porn is not a reciprocal interaction. Be secure enough in yourself that you know an image of another naked women on the inernet is not a threat to you, a real live flesh and blood person whom they have an intimate relationship with. And again, this is YOUR view. Other can be equally valid. This is not math where the only answer to 5x5 is 25 1
joseb Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Be secure enough in yourself that you know an image of another naked women on the inernet is not a threat to you, a real live flesh and blood person whom they have an intimate relationship with. It's not a threat in that he won't go and have an affair with any of them. But it is a threat nonetheless. Men, like most male mammals, are biologically driven to crave diversity. When you have access to an unending stream of diverse women at any moment, even if it's only on screen, well yes, that is a threat. 1
thecrucible Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 It's not a threat in that he won't go and have an affair with any of them. But it is a threat nonetheless. Men, like most male mammals, are biologically driven to crave diversity. When you have access to an unending stream of diverse women at any moment, even if it's only on screen, well yes, that is a threat. I see what you mean. For me I just accept that this is going to be the case that a man I'm with will still fancy other women. Hell I've had enough guys hit on me who had a girlfriend or were married (not that I knew this at the time) that it almost makes me doubt that any attraction to me would always be completely genuine. Anyway, my point is that if people (both men and women) accept that their partner will still find others attractive then it would solve some problems. I just don't expect any guy I'm with to be totally into me all the time for the rest of my life but I hope that we'll work to maintain our attraction to each other rather than use fancying other people as a distraction. It's like you're allowed to look but fantasy can't ever turn into reality. Personally I'd find it more threatening if my guy had the hots for a fully embodied woman we saw out in public. I also agree that porn can be a problem in affecting your ability to get intimate and orgasm with your partner as watching porn is a totally different experience from doing it in real life. They make it look so easy and I think it warps people's brains.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 DOT, do you mean that after you watched porn, it changed sex for you as well? Yes it definitely did. No question there. It diminished regular sex for me. It became like a comparison point and I felt very "ripped off" by my intimate partner. But porn also felt weirdly empty. It was almost a feeling like awesome fu*King was a club I just couldn't get into. I noticed that I kind of couldn't just "meet someone" one and about without instantly evaluating their "fu*liability" and in turn feeling like they evaluated me the same way and just thought "ew." Truth is, I have residual effects of that. But that came more from marrying a porn addict. It greatly exacerbated the whole thing. Completely changed how I relate to people.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I hate this argument that women who are against porn in a relationship are somehow insecure. I'm very secure thank you very much. Porn is not a threat me in a relationship whatsoever in that regard. I have a problem with the moral aspect of getting your rocks off outside of a relationship. So if someone signed up on a website where they got texted photos then it would be ok because it wasn't "interactive"? I hope people realize that soon enough all porn will be interactive through our screens and then I can't wait to see how people draw the line in the sand for cheating. The media is the same, I find it crazy people can normalize porn so much. I wasn't insecure until porn perforated my marriage and my husband stopped wanting to be intimate in total favor of it. This isn't some unheard of phenomenon BTW. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I could see him doing that. I feel like not talking to him about this anymore and just trying to lower my expectations with this relationship and accept that we won't be together forever and just enjoy the temporary time we have together. Is that really what you want? You teach people how to treat you, OP. You are setting yourself up for pain if you skirt around the issue at hand and turn a blind eye to activity you don't agree with. You're also sending him a message that you don't have strong boundaries. You stated it hurt you. You told him that him having sex with other girls isn't part of your sexual vision. That's perfectly acceptable. But if you don't back that up with action, it's rather futile. Relationships require communication. Without that, then you're right - it will be a very temporary relationship. I promise it will eat at you and build more resentment if you bury it in the sand. 1
ladyvino Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I am confused by women who are upset with porn viewing. We are consistently informed by various polls and statistics that between 70-80% of men watch porn on a frequent basis. If you don't want to date a man who watches porn, that's a lot of men you are just not going to be able to date. I have never been with a guy who didn't watch it.
SwordofFlame Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I am confused by women who are upset with porn viewing. We are consistently informed by various polls and statistics that between 70-80% of men watch porn on a frequent basis. If you don't want to date a man who watches porn, that's a lot of men you are just not going to be able to date. I have never been with a guy who didn't watch it. And the remaining 20-30% also watch it too but deny it. 1
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 Don't blame the porn, the problem with them already exists. Porn only exasperates it. I'm ok with porn and I understand totally the male perspective. I'm one of the few I guess. 1
Larryville Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I wasn't insecure until porn perforated my marriage and my husband stopped wanting to be intimate in total favor of it. This isn't some unheard of phenomenon BTW. I am confused by women who are upset with porn viewing. We are consistently informed by various polls and statistics that between 70-80% of men watch porn on a frequent basis. If you don't want to date a man who watches porn, that's a lot of men you are just not going to be able to date. I have never been with a guy who didn't watch it. And the remaining 20-30% also watch it too but deny it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking alcohol Nothing wrong with smoking weed Nothing wrong with regular exercise Nothing wrong with video game play Nothing wrong with watching TV/Movie watching Nothing wrong with smartphone activity Nothing wrong with hitting up Facebook from time to time Nothing wrong with online dating Nothing wrong with love or being loved… But if it were possible to isolate the thousands of threads on this site and sites like it people post here because of either their own or someone else’s excess or addiction to some of the items/issues listed above and many others not listed and how it affects their partner. All or any excess when it turns into an addiction is a major problem. When humans get absorbed into something or become addicted to whatever it is to replace something they are not getting or receiving or lacking in their lives. Nobody should be ashamed or back away from addressing or even avoiding any of the above potentially toxic relationship killers when it gets to excess. Life is too damn short to put up with someone mental crap. If you are married you try to work thru and get help but if you are single just dating screw that always put yourself first. 1
VeveCakes Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I wasn't insecure until porn perforated my marriage and my husband stopped wanting to be intimate in total favor of it. This isn't some unheard of phenomenon BTW. Certainly, I just meant for me that wasn't case, I know it can be for some. To address another post, contrary to those who are active on the Internet, there are a lot of men who don't watch porn while in a relationship. Can you believe some men don't have smart phones or the Internet? Shocking I know... Lol but they do exist. My stance is more against porn in a relationship. I'm not a fan of porn in general but when you are single and free meh you aren't hurting anyone. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted February 24, 2016 Posted February 24, 2016 I am confused by women who are upset with porn viewing. We are consistently informed by various polls and statistics that between 70-80% of men watch porn on a frequent basis. If you don't want to date a man who watches porn, that's a lot of men you are just not going to be able to date. I have never been with a guy who didn't watch it. When you get with one that doesn't, you find out just how amazing sex can be. It's like a totally different experience. So yeah, the rest of the dating pool can have them. Enjoy. I realize that if my husband were to get hit by a semi tomorrow, I may not meet another man that I can have that kind of intimacy with again. But I'm sure not settling for "porn moves." Screw that noise. 2
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