bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I was thinking that too. I love him and he loves me, we are compatible in other ways. He tells me he sees marriage in our future so I'm wondering if he can let go of expecting to do those things for me. Should I just straight up ask him that? I mean I can let go of some of my sexual fantasies for love (theres some things id like to do sexually but hes physically incapable of doing them) but he might be different. I feel like I need to have a big talk with him about all this soon. What he will do, most likely, is find a way to do those things behind your back once you're married. And forget about expecting him to be honest about that because he won't be. I think you're making a huge mistake by staying with this guy. Just remember, when he breaks your heart 2.5 kids later, all the red flags were there. 2
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 What he will do, most likely, is find a way to do those things behind your back once you're married. And forget about expecting him to be honest about that because he won't be. I think you're making a huge mistake by staying with this guy. Just remember, when he breaks your heart 2.5 kids later, all the red flags were there. Like this guy is doing. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/570511-he-lied-about-cybersex-happy-ending-amp-do-i-stay-kids 1
Eighty_nine Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 You're right to feel bad about your boyfriend's porn use - because it is cheating at some level. in no way shape or form is porn cheating. In no universe is porn even remotely in the same category as physically cheating on your partner. That's just a bizarre assertion to me. It drives me crazy that in a culture that's so obsessed with monogamy as the *only* option, so many people think it's not even acceptable to look at or think about other bodies than your partners! It's not realistic and in fact, it's ridiculous. I can't relate to casual porn use as a threat; I don't expect my boyfriend's sexual gratification to come 100% from me (nor mine from him) and fantasies or pornography is a very acceptable way to express that on his own. I know that when I am in a very fulfilling sexual relationship, I tend to watch MORE porn! Because I'm feeling very sexual in general, and that radiates into my private life away from my partner. Now, I think 'liking' pretty girls facebook pictures is a little different-- that would bother me. Going to strip clubs without me would definitely bother me. Regularly pointing out attractive girls or celebrities might bother me a little. But I would reassess the porn thing, because on its own, it's really pretty benign.
VeveCakes Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 The porn stuff, while not ideal, you have to readjust your thinking. That's not real. It's a movie just like the ones where people keep their clothes on. If your BF thought some actress was sexy, that shouldn't trigger the same levels of jealousy & insecurity as if he were drooling over a flesh & blood women in your area. My EX used to watch porn with large breasted women, the freaky kind with boobs the size of basketballs. As a flat chested woman, that did give me pause about why he was with me. But I got past it because in my mind, all those women had was cosmetic surgery. If they had anything else going for them they probably would have chosen a different career path. As for the real women -- the friends on FB & such -- talk to him. Watch his interactions with them. If they are above board, continue to tell yourself that he chose you as his GF Except it is real and real people and not "just a movie". Im with you OP. It's hard to find guys who aren't big porn watchers but they do exist. I am never comfortable being with a man who needs porn while in a relationship. They can get off without it, it's not a necessity. Just makes it easier for them and in that process it also screws with their brain chemistry. No thanks. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm really glad the thread is going this way instead of being a "woman you are EVIL because you have a different value-system." OP, how are you feeling about the whole situation? 1
VeveCakes Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 in no way shape or form is porn cheating. In no universe is porn even remotely in the same category as physically cheating on your partner. That's just a bizarre assertion to me. It drives me crazy that in a culture that's so obsessed with monogamy as the *only* option, so many people think it's not even acceptable to look at or think about other bodies than your partners! It's not realistic and in fact, it's ridiculous. I can't relate to casual porn use as a threat; I don't expect my boyfriend's sexual gratification to come 100% from me (nor mine from him) and fantasies or pornography is a very acceptable way to express that on his own. I know that when I am in a very fulfilling sexual relationship, I tend to watch MORE porn! Because I'm feeling very sexual in general, and that radiates into my private life away from my partner. Now, I think 'liking' pretty girls facebook pictures is a little different-- that would bother me. Going to strip clubs without me would definitely bother me. Regularly pointing out attractive girls or celebrities might bother me a little. But I would reassess the porn thing, because on its own, it's really pretty benign. Speak for yourself, because to many people porn is cheating. Using another woman or mans sex off to get off IS cheating. Would it be ok for a stranger to text sexual pics and you or your partner use them to get off? Of course not, but people think porn isn't real. They are real people. It's no different than sexting pics it's just a different medium. 1
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 I'm really glad the thread is going this way instead of being a "woman you are EVIL because you have a different value-system." OP, how are you feeling about the whole situation? I'm surprised the thread is going this way. It's nice to have support but also I guess I'm feeling a little defensive about my boyfriend now. I didn't really mention all the good he's done for me with this relationship so i guess it's understandable for some people to label him a loser but I feel like he isn't one and I actually want to try to work things out. 2
soleilesquire Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Actually, pornography is a very personal thing. For some people, it is a dealbreaker, and those people do feel it is a form of betrayal. They are free to feel that way. For some people, it's just a pastime, and it in no way means unfaithfulness. They are free to feel that way. Some people think it is a "shouldn't." They are free to feel that way. Some people think it is "right." They are free to feel that way. There is no "good people always" or "bad people always" in this topic. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm surprised the thread is going this way. It's nice to have support but also I guess I'm feeling a little defensive about my boyfriend now. I didn't really mention all the good he's done for me with this relationship so i guess it's understandable for some people to label him a loser but I feel like he isn't one and I actually want to try to work things out. I totally understand those feelings. I ended up working through a very difficult marriage but I would never, ever date someone who's sexual values clash so differently from mine. He presented having the same values for years, but that wasn't accurate. Now if I were to enter into a new relationship in the future, I would bail even years in if it turned out to be a deception. Never again. 1
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 OP your BF has you under his thumb. Treats you just right so you will weaken and let him continue with his habits.
Wewon Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm not much for porn myself, but I try not to be judgmental about people's proclivities. When it comes to habits that aren't likely going to change I file it under a lack of compatibility more than a call for a fundamental change. That being said, when I first came to LS there were at least 3 threads active that had a young man or woman fearing that their relationship was on the cusp of failing because the woman in the relationship wanted her SO to be more like the 50 Shades of Grey character. Yet, not one of the women were stretched out on a psychiatrist couch and had their "addiction" analyzed; in spite of the fact that by all definitions they were making an irrational request of their partner. Obviously, the problem is losing the ability to draw the line between fantasy and reality more than the presence of nekkid naughty bits. My point is that we should avoid the temptation of catastrophizing other people's behavior simply because we don't indulge in that specific one; meanwhile every erotica novel on the bookshelf is dogeared and all of the good parts of Magic Mike a queued up in the blue ray player. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 OP, I do believe you need to talk to him as soon as possible. This went from liking girls' pictures on Facebook to him being curious about swinging. Those are on vastly different ends of the spectrum. How did he bring up the fact that he'd be interested in swinging? The issue presented in the beginning was watching others have sex in front of a screen; he's also expressed an openness to actually having sex with other women in the flesh. For some people, things like swinging or threesomes stay in the realm of fantasy. Plenty of people fantasize without ever having a real intention to try it out. You need to figure out where he is there, though it sounds like he's leaning more towards wanting to make his fantasy a reality. Sexual compatibility is very important in relationships - many are made or broken over issues such as these. I don't think he has an intention of hurting you, but you're obviously not happy to hear his sexual tastes. You're not wrong for that, but you need to really ask yourself if you're right for each other. 2
soleilesquire Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm not much for porn myself, but I try not to be judgmental about people's proclivities. When it comes to habits that aren't likely going to change I file it under a lack of compatibility more than a call for a fundamental change. That being said, when I first came to LS there were at least 3 threads active that had a young man or woman fearing that their relationship was on the cusp of failing because the woman in the relationship wanted her SO to be more like the 50 Shades of Grey character. Yet, not one of the women were stretched out on a psychiatrist couch and had their "addiction" analyzed; in spite of the fact that by all definitions they were making an irrational request of their partner. Obviously, the problem is losing the ability to draw the line between fantasy and reality more than the presence of nekkid naughty bits. My point is that we should avoid the temptation of catastrophizing other people's behavior simply because we don't indulge in that specific one; meanwhile every erotica novel on the bookshelf is dogeared and all of the good parts of Magic Mike a queued up in the blue ray player. I missed the posts where the OP said she read erotica or watched movies about male strippers....or is this just a chance to do a double standard rant? OP, you and he may just not be compatible, and that isn't the end of the world. 2
Wewon Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I missed the posts where the OP said she read erotica or watched movies about male strippers....or is this just a chance to do a double standard rant? OP, you and he may just not be compatible, and that isn't the end of the world. Not at all. It was a lets-not-be-preachy-judgy-santimonious-simply-because-we-might-not-like-porn-but-indulge-in-something-else rant. I thought that was clear in paragraph #3? ;-) 2
soleilesquire Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Not at all. It was a lets-not-be-preachy-judgy-santimonious-simply-because-we-might-not-like-porn-but-indulge-in-something-else rant. I thought that was clear in paragraph #3? ;-) Okay you made me chuckle. I would assume anyone who has issues with the artificial turn-on of porn would have an equal issue with the artificial turn-on of what's his face gyrating on screen. Because they are basically both visual stimulation.
joseb Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 You are right… Why starting to see this more… and this is not about religious hang-ups any more, this is a mental health issue... Utah lawmaker proposes legislation to make porn a 'public health crisis,' claims adult films are more addictive than cocaine http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/utah-proposes-bill-porn-public-health-crisis-article-1.2515580 One study… Bottom line when you can’t become aroused by your partner and need artificial stimulants your relationship is dead in the water, what do they say the brain is the biggest sex organ and porn will eventually f it up, too much of anything... I was staying out of this thread cause I kinda feel I've preached a bit on porn abstinence and didn't want to come across as too sanctimonious. But yeah I just wanted to add to this - I think a lot of people assume if someone doesn't agree with porn, it's cause they have religious hangups or are sexually repressed or controlling or narrow minded or judgemental. I'm not any of those. A year ago, I would have defended my right to watch as much porn as I wanted and woe betide anyone who would challenge me on it! But having tried giving it up and personally seen the affect it was having (looking back, it was like a mild addiction, and i wouldn't say i was any more a 'user' than the next guy) I'm convinced it does a lot more harm than most people realise. Back to the OP, in your case his porn use is but one indicator. The fact that he is mentioning swinging is far more worrisome than the porn alone. And what's this about you wanting things sexually that he is not able to do?? 1
SwordofFlame Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 There was another poster here complaining of her boyfriend masturbating to sexy women in music videos. Is porn really the problem? Is masturbating the problem? Should a guy only be allowed to masturbate with only his girlfriend in his mind?
fitnessfan365 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I have a GF that I am very much in love with and very sexually attracted to. But my GF and I don't get to see each other every day. We're taliing 3x per week tops because we have such busy schedules. Yet, my sex drive never stops. So I'll watch porn a few times per week to help keep my sexual urges at bay and to avoid pressuring her.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm not much for porn myself, but I try not to be judgmental about people's proclivities. When it comes to habits that aren't likely going to change I file it under a lack of compatibility more than a call for a fundamental change. That being said, when I first came to LS there were at least 3 threads active that had a young man or woman fearing that their relationship was on the cusp of failing because the woman in the relationship wanted her SO to be more like the 50 Shades of Grey character. Yet, not one of the women were stretched out on a psychiatrist couch and had their "addiction" analyzed; in spite of the fact that by all definitions they were making an irrational request of their partner. Obviously, the problem is losing the ability to draw the line between fantasy and reality more than the presence of nekkid naughty bits. My point is that we should avoid the temptation of catastrophizing other people's behavior simply because we don't indulge in that specific one; meanwhile every erotica novel on the bookshelf is dogeared and all of the good parts of Magic Mike a queued up in the blue ray player. I just think erotica like 50 Shades / Magic Mike is also that same kind of disrespectful. But I also think that talking stuff over with your partner is key. When 50 Shades came out, I heard so much about it, I talked to my husband about it. He said pretty much "sure whatever read it whatever." So I thought it was actually going to be a more sophisticated thing. I couldn't even finish it. It was just......ugh.....so stupid. I don't see the appeal at all. Just so so so empty-headed. The guy was a glorified stalker and he whined. Ugh......the sex scenes were equally vapid. I really don't get what the fuss was about.
Wewon Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I don't see the appeal at all. Just so so so empty-headed. The guy was a glorified stalker and he whined. Ugh......the sex scenes were equally vapid. I really don't get what the fuss was about. This is the way I feel about a lot of things, including porn, erotica, televised sports, soap operas, TV fishing, golf, reality TV just to name a few. However, me and 18 month old nephew were binge watching cartoons this weekend so we're probably on our way to being addicts. I'm sure that there is a study showing that we will never have healthy relationships until we kick our problem. 1
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 23, 2016 Author Posted February 23, 2016 OP, I do believe you need to talk to him as soon as possible. This went from liking girls' pictures on Facebook to him being curious about swinging. Those are on vastly different ends of the spectrum. How did he bring up the fact that he'd be interested in swinging? The issue presented in the beginning was watching others have sex in front of a screen; he's also expressed an openness to actually having sex with other women in the flesh. For some people, things like swinging or threesomes stay in the realm of fantasy. Plenty of people fantasize without ever having a real intention to try it out. You need to figure out where he is there, though it sounds like he's leaning more towards wanting to make his fantasy a reality. Sexual compatibility is very important in relationships - many are made or broken over issues such as these. I don't think he has an intention of hurting you, but you're obviously not happy to hear his sexual tastes. You're not wrong for that, but you need to really ask yourself if you're right for each other. I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'm thinking of talking to him about it then. We were asking each other a lot of random questions that day when the swinging and strip clubs and threesomes were brought up. Just bored and passing time. Now I'm not completely sure if these are things he really really wants or not. I'm thinking of just coming out and asking him if having multiple sex partners is important to him. To not worry about hurting my feelings and tell me the truth if he thinks he can be satisfied with just me sexually. Btw like I said I'm not a prude so thats not why porn is a problem it just makes me feel like im not enough and i know im nowhere near as attractive as girls in porn. Also we have sex often. We just can't do certain positions (we can only do one actually) because he is a big guy. I like different positions but can give those up because I love him and love is more important than sex to me. I don't know if he is the same way though so I'll probably ask him that too.
thecrucible Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Porn can become a real issue in relationships for reasons other than what you mentioned. I was with a guy who watched too much porn. I never had much problem with it before - just accepted that it's what guys do. But in my case, we stopped having sex and he lost interest in me but would still masturbate to porn. He found it difficult to be aroused unless he was watching porn. I think you are doing the right thing by talking to your bf about porn. Maybe you can suggest he stop watching it for a trial period to see if it brings you closer together? I've certainly come across guys who prefer not to watch it as they say nothing beats the real thing. 1
frus69 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 Btw like I said I'm not a prude so thats not why porn is a problem it just makes me feel like im not enough and i know im nowhere near as attractive as girls in porn. . The problem is you are insecure, not because of porn. You need to have more faith in yourself and him. Personally I think its silly to worry about porn. Sure some people think its cheating, some people are also control freaks doesn't mean they are right. However he shouldn't be adding girls on facebook or liking pictures of ransoms.
bathtub-row Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 I'm surprised the thread is going this way. It's nice to have support but also I guess I'm feeling a little defensive about my boyfriend now. I didn't really mention all the good he's done for me with this relationship so i guess it's understandable for some people to label him a loser but I feel like he isn't one and I actually want to try to work things out. I personally don't think he's a loser but I do think that a guy who's that into porn and threesomes is someone who is dropping red flags all over the place. He is not marriage material but you're lowering your standards in order to make him become just that; to make this work because he has "other good qualities". I'll use my usual analogy here: "Mom! I have met the most amazing man! He's gentle and kind and so warm! He makes a great living and makes me feel so special and loved.......But, oh, there's a catch - he's also an axe murderer." My point is, abusers, killers, and "bad marriage material" guys all have many good qualities. But overlooking a big issue like porn and threesome sex is almost like overlooking an axe murderer. It just ain't a good idea. 1
kendahke Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 He is open to swinging. I told him I'm not. I said I just want one guy and a faithful relationship and he said it was just an idea and he doesn't care about it that much. That also made me feel crappy, like I'm not enough for him.. but he tells me I am so I get confused. There is a whole lifestyle incompatibility that's going on here, not just his attitude towards porn and liking his friends' pictures on FB. Interest in swinging is a whole different ball of wax. You need to really stop trying to force this fit with this guy and take a long, hard look at what he's been dropping in your lap, bit by bit, with regards to his lifestyle views--because they do not dovetail with yours. At. All. His interests are taking him on a trajectory that leads away from what it is you say you want out of a boyfriend--and for a time, he may convince himself to change course for a minute, but if he's been doing this/thinking this way since before he met you, then eventually, the day is going to come where you both find yourselves at the crossroads and he may decide he doesn't want to go in your direction anymore. If he didn't care about it, he wouldn't have dropped that bit into your lap. It wouldn't have even been an issue to bring up in the first place. You've got a lot of serious thinking you need to be doing. 7
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