mariopeachbowser Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I'm starting to wonder if I'm too insecure for a relationship. The longest relationship I had lasted 2 years and I ended it because he would constantly point out hot/sexy women to me, and would watch a lot of porn. It got to me a lot, and even though I would get compliments on my appearance from him and other people, it still made me feel extremely unattractive. Now I'm in a relationship (6 months) that I feel is better, and I'm very in love with this guy but certain things are bugging me and making me feel bad about myself once again.. I saw that one of my boyfriend's most visited sites on his web browser was a porn site (I wasn't snooping or anything, I just saw it when he was going to look up something on google with me). I mean I figured he watched porn and tried not to think about it too much but now just knowing it's one of his most visited websites freaks me out. I told him before I had an issue with my ex being addicted to porn and he assured me he wasn't addicted, but now I am thinking otherwise. I didn't let him know that I saw it was one of his most visited sites because I didn't want to start a fight or anything. I also feel insecure when I see he clicked like on all these girls photos on facebook. He has a lot of female friends and some are attractive and he likes a lot of their pictures. He also mentioned recently he thought it would be fun to go with his friends to a strip club and I said I'm not comfortable with that and he was disappointed.. which made me feel like total crap. He still compliments me all the time.. says I'm the most beautiful woman ever to him and loves me and loves our sex life. If this is true, why does he feel the need to watch a bunch of porn or want to go to strip clubs? I can't help but feel really insecure about this and I got to thinking.. will I not ever be able to handle a relationship with a guy? I let things like porn and their comments on other girls get to me and make me feel unattractive and depressed and like I'm not enough.
dreamingoftigers Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I'll probably get flamed for this. But you're probably just normal. I don't like that crap from guys either. I don't behave that way with my mate either because I love and respect him. But in today's pornified society, a lot of people are going to tell you that you have the problem because a lot of people are okay with porn / strip clubs / ogling inntheur relationships. I'm not and I've seen the long-term dark side of this. But good luck with that. A lot of people will just tell you that you are "uptight, insecure and frigid." 9
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 It's a delicate issue. You're not wrong for not feeling comfortable with porn and strip clubs. Plenty of women aren't, and it's not always down to insecurity. You have a right to not agree with it. Don't let anyone make you feel you're too uptight or insecure. Some women, myself included, are okay with porn and use it with our partners. For many people, porn is a visual stimulus that can act as an enhancement to sexual intimacy with our significant others. It doesn't mean I want to bang the guys in the videos. Not at all; it simply acts as a little extra "somethin'-somethin" my guy and I share in real life. Almost like a sex toy, to use a loose analogy. Having said that, we don't use it all the time. We view it every so often. And it isn't something either one of uses as a substitute for sex. I'd venture to say that a good majority of men do watch porn from time to time, so I'm not sure you'll easily find someone who doesn't at all. But perhaps the male posters can chime in here. For what it's worth, I don't think your new guy was trying to hide it from you. And your ex sounds like a total jackarse. Pointing out other attractive women on a regular basis is downright disrespectful, particularly if you'd asked him to stop. You made your boundary clear. You certainly don't have to be okay with your boyfriend visiting strip clubs, either. Only you can decide what you're willing to accept or not. It doesn't mean you or your boyfriend are wrong for feeling the way you do. You just need to see if an agreement can be reached and if this issue is significant enough to be a deal-breaker, if the porn use or strip club visits continue. 5
d0nnivain Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 The porn stuff, while not ideal, you have to readjust your thinking. That's not real. It's a movie just like the ones where people keep their clothes on. If your BF thought some actress was sexy, that shouldn't trigger the same levels of jealousy & insecurity as if he were drooling over a flesh & blood women in your area. My EX used to watch porn with large breasted women, the freaky kind with boobs the size of basketballs. As a flat chested woman, that did give me pause about why he was with me. But I got past it because in my mind, all those women had was cosmetic surgery. If they had anything else going for them they probably would have chosen a different career path. As for the real women -- the friends on FB & such -- talk to him. Watch his interactions with them. If they are above board, continue to tell yourself that he chose you as his GF
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I think you date losers. You're attracted to the bad boy type. 4
truth_seeker Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 As for the real women -- the friends on FB & such -- talk to him. Watch his interactions with them. If they are above board, continue to tell yourself that he chose you as his GF I got to tell you, I don't trust anyone with lots of FB friends, especially those with lost of party people. If I see a woman's FB to have lots of guys with their shirts off and she's liking their pics -- RED FLAG! Same goes if a guy is constantly liking girls pics of them in bikini's, partying. 2
Lorenza Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 It's not that you can't handle a relationship. You just can't handle inconsiderate guys who are "in you face" with what they think about other women. It's unrealistic to expect guys to stop finding other women attractive once they're in a relationship, but they should at least have the courtesy to not let their girlfriends know and compare themselves. Myself I don't mind some mild porn use, if it's for inspiration and eye candy every now and then and not daily, absent-minded use. Is it really that hard to just jerk off to your imagination nowadays? I would be upset to find out that the person I date frequents porn sites. Mainly not because it would make me feel insecure, but because it's just so lazy and dull, like eating fast food. Quick satisfaction, but no real nutrition. But liking pictures of girls he knows is a big no no in my book. I don't mind likes on normal, nice looking pics of people, but not on those that are meant to draw guys' attention, look sexy and allure. Especially if it's a girl he knows and you'll definitely see it in your feed. That's what boys do, not real men. Real men know to keep their visual attractions hidden to not make their women feel competitive. And no, I don't think it's the woman who has to "overcome" her insecurities, it's pretty normal for most women to want to feel like she's the one. 2
smackie9 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Meh he's just a young horn dog. It's not wrong or right, you just have certain expectations.....and they are not being met with this guy. Yes please dump him and find yourself a guy that doesn't have a FB page full of GFs or has a porn app on his phone. Gosh why don't these guys know about private browser? lol 5
BlueIris Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 ... He still compliments me all the time.. says I'm the most beautiful woman ever to him and loves me and loves our sex life. If this is true, why does he feel the need to watch a bunch of porn or want to go to strip clubs? I can't help but feel really insecure about this and I got to thinking.. will I not ever be able to handle a relationship with a guy? I let things like porn and their comments on other girls get to me and make me feel unattractive and depressed and like I'm not enough. I think it's the desire for variety, too. I also think that many partners, male or female, would feel less secure if their S.O. craved variety and was getting off on other people. It's not about you and how beautiful you are or how good a GF you are. These guys like and fantasize about variety. Maybe they wouldn't have any problem with your fantasizing about other guys and they wouldn't feel insecure if you were getting off on pictures of cut, muscular, gorgeous men a few times a week. I don't know. You could ask. 1
mikeylo Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 The in your face kind of thing is just off . I dont get why you feel that you are insecure and you are the one with the issue. He is a jerk for doing it in your face. Flip it and you do what he is doing and see double standards. 1
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 Thanks for the replies everyone. I had a talk with him before and he said he would have no problem with me watching porn or having collections of nude men photos or even if I went to a male strip club. I wouldn't want to do any of those things..not because I'm a prude or anything just because I feel satisfied with my sex life and boyfriends appearance and I'm also just the type of person that feels it to be rude and disrespectful to whoever I'm dating to constantly fantasize about others. So he's okay with this stuff if I were to do it, but I feel awful if he does. I think I have to disagree with my current bf being a loser. Besides these issues he has been kind to me and made me feel loved. I really don't want to have to break up with him.. is this really the best option? I'm hurting now but I feel like I'd hurt more losing him. It's weird though. I wish I could change my mindset about porn but to me it feels like cheating. I remember with my ex when I found his collection of female nudes the feeling was as if I walked in on him having sex with several females. I even thought just walking on him actually having sex with one girl wouldn't hurt as much because it's just one girl.. not a ton of them. I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend who tells their boyfriend they can't watch porn.. besides he would probably watch it anyway.. then my next bf probably would too.. so I feel like I am the one who should change but it feels very difficult.
madjac74 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Thanks for the replies everyone. I had a talk with him before and he said he would have no problem with me watching porn or having collections of nude men photos or even if I went to a male strip club. I wouldn't want to do any of those things..not because I'm a prude or anything just because I feel satisfied with my sex life and boyfriends appearance and I'm also just the type of person that feels it to be rude and disrespectful to whoever I'm dating to constantly fantasize about others. So he's okay with this stuff if I were to do it, but I feel awful if he does. He wants you to do it so he can substantiate his obsession. Or he wants you to do it to propel his obsession. Maybe he wants you to be into the swinger lifestyle. I'm not joking here. Keep your eyes open 1
Mrin Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 The world according to Mrin: 1. People are gonna porn. Casual porn use is ubiquitous. Don't feel threatened by it. Now, addiction is another thing but casual use? Might as well try to outlaw Facebook. 2. Speaking of FB, I personally think your whole getting upset because he likes other women's photos thing is ridiculous. Probably because I have a ton of female friends and I often like their photos. Doesn't mean a thing. But based on everyone else's reaction, I should probably rethink this as it might be sending signals to my GF that I don't want to send! Is it really that big of a deal? 3. Boys Night at the Boobie Bar: Absolutely, you have every right to be not cool with this. I personally think that men who are involved with women should only want to go to a strip club when they take their woman with them - that can be highly erotic. Going by himself, or with a bunch of his dude friends is just in poor taste and disrespectful to you. 2
madjac74 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 The world according to Mrin: 1. People are gonna porn. Casual porn use is ubiquitous. Don't feel threatened by it. Now, addiction is another thing but casual use? Might as well try to outlaw Facebook. Partaking in porn together is one thing but he is encouraging her to look at nude guys and go to male strip bars...Noooooooo 2. Speaking of FB, I personally think your whole getting upset because he likes other women's photos thing is ridiculous. Probably because I have a ton of female friends and I often like their photos. Doesn't mean a thing. But based on everyone else's reaction, I should probably rethink this as it might be sending signals to my GF that I don't want to send! Is it really that big of a deal? After a certain period of dating then a girlfriend should know who it is ok to like their pictures or converse with on facebook.
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 He wants you to do it so he can substantiate his obsession. Or he wants you to do it to propel his obsession. Maybe he wants you to be into the swinger lifestyle. I'm not joking here. Keep your eyes open He is open to swinging. I told him I'm not. I said I just want one guy and a faithful relationship and he said it was just an idea and he doesn't care about it that much. That also made me feel crappy, like I'm not enough for him.. but he tells me I am so I get confused.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 He is open to swinging. I told him I'm not. I said I just want one guy and a faithful relationship and he said it was just an idea and he doesn't care about it that much. That also made me feel crappy, like I'm not enough for him.. but he tells me I am so I get confused. Oh, boy. I think you two might not be all that sexually compatible. Though neither of you is "wrong" in your preferences, your tastes are very different. That could lead to some trouble down the line. 4
health Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I'm starting to wonder if I'm too insecure for a relationship. The longest relationship I had lasted 2 years and I ended it because he would constantly point out hot/sexy women to me, and would watch a lot of porn. It got to me a lot, and even though I would get compliments on my appearance from him and other people, it still made me feel extremely unattractive. Now I'm in a relationship (6 months) that I feel is better, and I'm very in love with this guy but certain things are bugging me and making me feel bad about myself once again.. I saw that one of my boyfriend's most visited sites on his web browser was a porn site (I wasn't snooping or anything, I just saw it when he was going to look up something on google with me). I mean I figured he watched porn and tried not to think about it too much but now just knowing it's one of his most visited websites freaks me out. I told him before I had an issue with my ex being addicted to porn and he assured me he wasn't addicted, but now I am thinking otherwise. I didn't let him know that I saw it was one of his most visited sites because I didn't want to start a fight or anything. I also feel insecure when I see he clicked like on all these girls photos on facebook. He has a lot of female friends and some are attractive and he likes a lot of their pictures. He also mentioned recently he thought it would be fun to go with his friends to a strip club and I said I'm not comfortable with that and he was disappointed.. which made me feel like total crap. He still compliments me all the time.. says I'm the most beautiful woman ever to him and loves me and loves our sex life. If this is true, why does he feel the need to watch a bunch of porn or want to go to strip clubs? I can't help but feel really insecure about this and I got to thinking.. will I not ever be able to handle a relationship with a guy? I let things like porn and their comments on other girls get to me and make me feel unattractive and depressed and like I'm not enough. You're right to feel bad about your boyfriend's porn use - because it is cheating at some level. So many men play it off like it's okay and don't worry about it - but it is hurting you. Then there are the women who just give in to it for the sake of saving the relationship. They think it's fine everyone does it. In the end, it's really not and destroys relationships. It's a joke when you have a hot girl and you resort to porn use anyway - and that happens a lot. The thing is - it's very very hard to stop. It's a serious addition. So if he needs help have him get it. 2
madjac74 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 he said it was just an idea and he doesn't care about it that much. That is just a response to your negativity. He is still very much into it and will fantasize about it behind your back. I think you should just get out of this relationship 1
Mrin Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 He is open to swinging. I told him I'm not. I said I just want one guy and a faithful relationship and he said it was just an idea and he doesn't care about it that much. That also made me feel crappy, like I'm not enough for him.. but he tells me I am so I get confused. Whoa there OP! Of all the things you've said, this gives me the most pause. I really don't think you two are compatible honestly. Porn is one thing. Strip clubs another. But swinging, ya, that sort of pegs the dial for someone who isn't comfortable with him liking another woman's FB photo. 4
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Now I'm in a relationship (6 months) that I feel is better, and I'm very in love with this guy but certain things are bugging me and making me feel bad about myself once again.. I saw that one of my boyfriend's most visited sites on his web browser was a porn site (I wasn't snooping or anything, I just saw it when he was going to look up something on google with me). I mean I figured he watched porn and tried not to think about it too much but now just knowing it's one of his most visited websites freaks me out. I told him before I had an issue with my ex being addicted to porn and he assured me he wasn't addicted, but now I am thinking otherwise. I didn't let him know that I saw it was one of his most visited sites because I didn't want to start a fight or anything. I also feel insecure when I see he clicked like on all these girls photos on facebook. He has a lot of female friends and some are attractive and he likes a lot of their pictures. He also mentioned recently he thought it would be fun to go with his friends to a strip club and I said I'm not comfortable with that and he was disappointed.. which made me feel like total crap. He still compliments me all the time.. says I'm the most beautiful woman ever to him and loves me and loves our sex life. If this is true, why does he feel the need to watch a bunch of porn or want to go to strip clubs? I can't help but feel really insecure about this and I got to thinking.. will I not ever be able to handle a relationship with a guy? I let things like porn and their comments on other girls get to me and make me feel unattractive and depressed and like I'm not enough. This guy has a lot of attractive female friends, he spends time clicking on their sexy pics, he watches porn (a lot). He now wants to go to strip clubs and is open to swinging. This sounds like a man whose interest in sex, outwith his current relationship, is escalating. I would not put any money on this man staying faithful to any relationship, his need for "excitement" will spur him into pursuing all sorts of "opportunities". To you, viewing and liking sexy attractive woman is a form of cheating and you feel it is disrespecting you and making you miserable. Stop beating yourself up about this, you are just as entitled to your feelings as he is. Do not short change yourself, not every man feels they need to explore all the avenues for sex there is out there. This man may "comply" atm to appease you, but do not be surprised if you find in the future he is visiting strip clubs and even swinging. You are sexually incompatible. 4
truth_seeker Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Boys Night at the Boobie Bar :bunny::bunny::bunny:
soleilesquire Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 You are not too insecure for a relationship. You are just not compatible with this particular.....man. 1
Larryville Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 But in today's pornified society, a lot of people are going to tell you that you have the problem because a lot of people are okay with porn / strip clubs / ogling inntheur relationships. I'm not and I've seen the long-term dark side of this. You are right… Why starting to see this more… and this is not about religious hang-ups any more, this is a mental health issue... Utah lawmaker proposes legislation to make porn a 'public health crisis,' claims adult films are more addictive than cocaine http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/utah-proposes-bill-porn-public-health-crisis-article-1.2515580 Many argues that porn can lead to physical addiction, a decline in sexual satisfaction with one’s partner and decreased sexual performance. One study… 59% of the respondents watched porn between four and 15 hours every week, that 42% of male college students said they visited porn sites regularly, 64% said that their tastes in porn “have become more extreme or deviant,” while many admitted to suffering from premature ejaculation or being disinterested in their real life partners. Bottom line when you can’t become aroused by your partner and need artificial stimulants your relationship is dead in the water, what do they say the brain is the biggest sex organ and porn will eventually f it up, too much of anything... 2
bathtub-row Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Find someone else. This isn't something you should have to deal with in a relationship. It seems to me that the reason you haven't had many long-term relationships is that you're too smart to settle. I say keep doing that. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your feelings and instincts are wrong; and don't lower your standards to other's low standards. Most people settle and they regret it. That's why there are so many divorces and bad marriages out there. 4
Author mariopeachbowser Posted February 22, 2016 Author Posted February 22, 2016 Oh, boy. I think you two might not be all that sexually compatible. Though neither of you is "wrong" in your preferences, your tastes are very different. That could lead to some trouble down the line. I was thinking that too. I love him and he loves me, we are compatible in other ways. He tells me he sees marriage in our future so I'm wondering if he can let go of expecting to do those things for me. Should I just straight up ask him that? I mean I can let go of some of my sexual fantasies for love (theres some things id like to do sexually but hes physically incapable of doing them) but he might be different. I feel like I need to have a big talk with him about all this soon.
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