Benj Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I'm 29 and I've been single for 5 years. I've dated on and off but no serious relationships in that time. I met a girl recently through friends. She's 26 and I really like her. She's smart, pretty, fun to be around, successful (graduating her master's in April) and will have a good career. But, she has 2 kids. And I'm not sure about it. I don't have kids and I'm not sure I want any. I thought about adoption, but not having my own. Her kids are 5 and 3. They both have different father's. The father to the oldest has him 50% of the time. The other one rarely sees the youngest. She was with the first dad for a few years, and with the other for a few months. Hasn't dated since. She doesn't want me to meet them until we have been serious for at least 6 months. Is that normal? If I'm unsure should I walk away now? We've gone on 8 dates in a little over a month. I'll admit, having kids by two different men at her age bothers me a little. But I don't know the whole situation.
AMJ Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 6 months may be a little long, but how will meeting her kids impact how you feel about her? Either they're cute or they are little brats, but it sounds like that's not really the issue...it sounds like you're unsure about kids in general. It's smart for her to wait until a guy is serious before bringing him into her kids' lives. They need stability. 1
Author Benj Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 6 months may be a little long, but how will meeting her kids impact how you feel about her? Either they're cute or they are little brats, but it sounds like that's not really the issue...it sounds like you're unsure about kids in general. It's smart for her to wait until a guy is serious before bringing him into her kids' lives. They need stability. Meeting them might make me realize I'm in over my head. I've never really been around kids. It's possible that are brats because of the way she raises them, who knows. I have a cousin with two young boys and they are nightmares. Their mom let's them hit her because they are "experimenting". I have no idea what this girl is like, patenting style. It's also committing to a life of dealing with two other men that makes me unsure. She wants to be in a serious, committed relationship for at least 6 months. So what we are doing right now doesn't count for those months. We haven't had a exclusive talk yet. We haven't had sex either, I've never waited this long (8 dates). I've kissed her but that's it. She won't come to my place and doesn't want me at her place because her kids are there.
deckard11 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I'm 29 and I've been single for 5 years. I've dated on and off but no serious relationships in that time. I met a girl recently through friends. She's 26 and I really like her. She's smart, pretty, fun to be around, successful (graduating her master's in April) and will have a good career. But, she has 2 kids. And I'm not sure about it. I don't have kids and I'm not sure I want any. I thought about adoption, but not having my own. Her kids are 5 and 3. They both have different father's. The father to the oldest has him 50% of the time. The other one rarely sees the youngest. She was with the first dad for a few years, and with the other for a few months. Hasn't dated since. She doesn't want me to meet them until we have been serious for at least 6 months. Is that normal? If I'm unsure should I walk away now? We've gone on 8 dates in a little over a month. I'll admit, having kids by two different men at her age bothers me a little. But I don't know the whole situation. Run away dude, run!!!! Kids are a pain in the butt.
kendahke Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 (edited) I'm 29 and I've been single for 5 years. I've dated on and off but no serious relationships in that time. I met a girl recently through friends. She's 26 and I really like her. She's smart, pretty, fun to be around, successful (graduating her master's in April) and will have a good career. But, she has 2 kids. And I'm not sure about it. I don't have kids and I'm not sure I want any. I thought about adoption, but not having my own. Her kids are 5 and 3. They both have different father's. The father to the oldest has him 50% of the time. The other one rarely sees the youngest. She was with the first dad for a few years, and with the other for a few months. Hasn't dated since. She doesn't want me to meet them until we have been serious for at least 6 months. Is that normal? If I'm unsure should I walk away now? We've gone on 8 dates in a little over a month. I'll admit, having kids by two different men at her age bothers me a little. But I don't know the whole situation. Then end it. Find a woman who doesn't have any children and doesn't want any children. These children are not going anywhere---they will be a part of her life til the day she dies. They don't need someone in their mother's life that doesn't want them there. And BTW, it's not their fault how they were created. Edited February 21, 2016 by kendahke
Author Benj Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 Then end it. Find a woman who doesn't have any children and doesn't want any children. These children are not going anywhere---they will be a part of her life til the day she dies. They don't need someone in their mother's life that doesn't want them there. And BTW, it's not their fault how they were created. I never said it was the kids fault how or that they were created. I've never even thought that. I'm well aware that they are a package deal. But how do I know if I like the package or its the right fit for me if I have to wait 6+ months to meet them? What we're doing right now isn't exclusive so it doesn't count towards the 6 months. It could be close to a year before I meet them. I don't want to waste my time or hers. It's also been 8 dates with nothing more than kissing at the end of each date. That's a separate issue. I've never waited more than 3 dates/3 weeks. I don't want to find out later we're incompatible on a sexual level. We are going out tonight and I want to ask her about it but don't want to come off as a slimebag. I really like her. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I've gone on a couple dates with other women since meeting her but they don't get my attention they way she does.
Madame_Noire Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 You clearly have reservations about this. Just end it. The kids will always come first. If there are any plans between you, you have to hope that the babysitter ir the relevant fathers do not let her down.
Erik30 Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 You have to really think about if you're ready to deal with a life with kids, because they will become a huge part of your life when things get serious. I wouldn't waste a year casually dating her, only to find out you don't like her kids at all.( And I wouldn't base my decision just on whether they're brats or not) But if you're having doubts this early on, you probably already know the answer. I do understand your reservations, kids are also a dealbreaker for me. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I don't want to waste my time or hers. It's also been 8 dates with nothing more than kissing at the end of each date. That's a separate issue. I've never waited more than 3 dates/3 weeks. I don't want to find out later we're incompatible on a sexual level. We are going out tonight and I want to ask her about it but don't want to come off as a slimebag. That's such utter tripe that you 'need to know' about sexual compatibility by the the third date. Obviously you're 29 and still single, so apparently your third date rule really hasn't amounted to much, has it? You just want to get LAID by the 3rd date so call a spade a spade. Jesus. 'Sexual compatibility' is about your last concern right now. Your bigger concern is dealing with all the drama and bull-crap that comes with a single mother with two kids from two different men all at the age of 26. Who would sign up for that? I'd run so damned fast she'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 On a side note, some women do delay the kid meet because they want you to get attached to her before you meet those nightmare kids. I have had a few women try that particular tactic on me. Most of them claim it's because they don't want their kid to get 'attached' to you only for you to break up. I guess the don't realize there will be a lot of people that come in and out of their kid's lives and they're not going to perish from missing someone. Oh, the drama.... 1
NoLeafClover Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 By the negativity on the responses I'd assume there are single mom's in here lol
Rimbaud59 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I don't think you want to be dating a woman with children. Think about it: She's has two children from different fathers. She's decided to have children with two prospective men and then ditched them. You would also have to look after children which are not your own. That's the definition of a cuckold.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) She's decided to have children with two prospective men and then ditched them. You would also have to look after children which are not your own. That's the definition of a cuckold. Are you sure? Anyway, OP my BF has two kids (teenagers) - I liked him enough not to get bothered by it in the first instance and it's working out just fine nearly a year on. I met them pretty early on though, because it seemed a bit strange to see each other behind a 14 yo and a 15yo's backs (a year older now, obviously) and the boys got used to us very quickly. If it's an issue now, before you've even met them, can't see how it'll get easier for you later. Really depends on how much you like your GF, probably... Edited February 22, 2016 by PrettyEmily77 1
Rimbaud59 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 In evolutionary terms, looking after children not your own is cuckoldry. Though it may be a modern standard fact of dating, from a male perspective looking after genetic offspring not you own would match the definition of cuckoldry. The term denotes your wife being an adulteress (which is bad enough), but actually the main reason cuckoldry is a derisive term is to do with paternity. Every female I speak to disagrees with me and finds in abhorrent (only because they are her children), but it's just a fact.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 In evolutionary terms, looking after children not your own is cuckoldry. Though it may be a modern standard fact of dating, from a male perspective looking after genetic offspring not you own would match the definition of cuckoldry. The term denotes your wife being an adulteress (which is bad enough), but actually the main reason cuckoldry is a derisive term is to do with paternity. Every female I speak to disagrees with me and finds in abhorrent (only because they are her children), but it's just a fact. I don't have kids so this doesn't affect me personally but there is not one single fact in the definition above - I know because, you know, I know both societal evolution and the English language... Something tells me you've read this somewhere. 2
road Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 A mom that has children and wants to date has to be careful not to expose them to boyfriends. Children learn by example. Kids do not need to see mom with a new breakfast partner all the time. They do not need to see mom multi-dating. They need to learn how to date and have the right way, not from seeing their mom teach them from her bad actions. Also kids without a dad at home tend to get attached. They do not need to repeatedly become attached to their mom's BF's then have them leave. When the BF dumps the mom they get dumped with her. Hello their dad already dumped them. They do not need to have this repeated. Also dating someone is not enough time to get to know this new man. Essentially he is a stranger. Wise mom's keep their kids away from strangers until they know them well enough to know that they will be safe around their kids. It appears that this woman has learned that sex on the table to soon has taught her is she does not need anymore kids with a man that will not be there forever. My fear is the timeline of her life. When did she meet baby daddy number 2? Did she cheat on her husband with BD#2. Why did BD#2 hit it and run? Do both dad's pay court ordered child support? As time goes on it will become harder for men to find age appropriate women that do not have kids to date and marry. Specially the good looking ones.
Rimbaud59 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 I don't have kids so this doesn't affect me personally but there is not one single fact in the definition above - I know because, you know, I know both societal evolution and the English language... Something tells me you've read this somewhere. So, if I was father to three children, but it turned out that after paternity tests they were not my children, are you saying that would not be cuckoldry? Because people willingly get into relationships with females who already have children doesn't lessen the fact that it is cuckoldry. A cuckold is someone who invests parental investment on children not his own. Of course, females often don't understand this point because the children is always theirs. The fact that it is now a norm to date a single mother with children doesn't change the fact that, actually, it is a form of cuckoldry. Obviously you do not know societal evolution. from wikipedia: A cuckold (sometimes shortened to cuck) is the husband of an adulterous wife. In evolutionary biology, the term is also applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own.[1]
Rimbaud59 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 The point is this for the OP: You do not want to get into a long term investment with this girl because the parental investment is quite obviously skewed in her favour and not yours. In addition, if she has children from two different fathers then she is unlikely to put much stock in maintaining a relationship and, quite possibly, has a lousy character. If it is the case that she dated men who left her, then she either has poor judgement or, as per assortative mating and genetic similarity theory, attracts people of poor character because she has a low IQ and/ or poor character. Parental investment in males is correlated with higher IQ. To put bluntly, find a female who does not have multiple children or a litany of poor personality characteristics.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 So, if I was father to three children, but it turned out that after paternity tests they were not my children, are you saying that would not be cuckoldry? Because people willingly get into relationships with females who already have children doesn't lessen the fact that it is cuckoldry. A cuckold is someone who invests parental investment on children not his own. Of course, females often don't understand this point because the children is always theirs. The fact that it is now a norm to date a single mother with children doesn't change the fact that, actually, it is a form of cuckoldry. Obviously you do not know societal evolution. from wikipedia: A cuckold (sometimes shortened to cuck) is the husband of an adulterous wife. In evolutionary biology, the term is also applied to males who are unwittingly investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own.[1] unwittingly = without knowing. I believe wikipedia also has a dictionary, for future reference. 2
kendahke Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 (edited) But how do I know if I like the package or its the right fit for me if I have to wait 6+ months to meet them? Reflect on the reason why you posted this thread. That will give you the answer. If it doesn't feel right now, it's not going to feel right in 6 months. What we're doing right now isn't exclusive so it doesn't count towards the 6 months. It could be close to a year before I meet them. Then it would appear that you are going to have to find the discipline to wait... or bail and find someone else. I don't want to waste my time or hers. It's also been 8 dates with nothing more than kissing at the end of each date. That's a separate issue. I've never waited more than 3 dates/3 weeks. I don't want to find out later we're incompatible on a sexual level. We are going out tonight and I want to ask her about it but don't want to come off as a slimebag. If you're already deeming it a waste of time, then it's a waste of your time and you need to move on. You're incompatible on a lifestyle choices level, let alone a sexual one, and that should be far, FAR more alarming to you then you not knowing if you can have a raucous sex life with her. Too many men get wrapped up in women with whom they are woefully incompatible, but they can't leave that sex thing alone, so they live in a constant battle zone in between O's. My ex was that way with his ex... he stayed with her far longer than he should have because they had great sex, but it was everything else in their relationship that was damaging. I really like her. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I've gone on a couple dates with other women since meeting her but they don't get my attention they way she does. Then keep her as a friend, but let go of trying to make her your woman. Like I said earlier, her two children by two different men are not going anywhere and if you become any more involved with her, they are going to become a part of your relationship with her, like it or not. That's just how that kind of thing works. I don't have kids and I'm not sure I want any. I thought about adoption, but not having my own. You'd be far better off finding a woman who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them, since that is your present viewpoint. Edited February 22, 2016 by kendahke 2
Rimbaud59 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 unwittingly = without knowing. I believe wikipedia also has a dictionary, for future reference. Wittingly or unwittingly doesn't make a difference. The basic genetic premise remains: a male is investing in children not his own. That a male in his twenties or thirties does it willingly surely makes it worse. I understand that it is now an accepted social norm but it's still a modern form of cuckoldry.
PrettyEmily77 Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Wittingly or unwittingly doesn't make a difference. The basic genetic premise remains: a male is investing in children not his own. That a male in his twenties or thirties does it willingly surely makes it worse. I understand that it is now an accepted social norm but it's still a modern form of cuckoldry. ??????????? Dude, it makes all the difference in the world and is no form of cuckoldry at all, modern or not. It's an open and shut case, I'm afraid. You may have your own personal feelings on the issue, but your own feelings are not a social norm - you know that, right? [and apologies for the TJ, OP]. 1
Larryville Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 Then end it. Find a woman who doesn't have any children and doesn't want any children. These children are not going anywhere---they will be a part of her life til the day she dies. They don't need someone in their mother's life that doesn't want them there. Just end it. The kids will always come first. That's such utter tripe that you 'need to know' about sexual compatibility by the the third date. Obviously you're 29 and still single, so apparently your third date rule really hasn't amounted to much, has it? You just want to get LAID by the 3rd date so call a spade a spade. Jesus. 'Sexual compatibility' is about your last concern right now. Your bigger concern is dealing with all the drama and bull-crap that comes with a single mother with two kids from two different men all at the age of 26. Who would sign up for that? I'd run so damned fast she'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. Think about it: She's has two children from different fathers. She's decided to have children with two prospective men and then ditched them. Full disclosure as a guy who met, dated a woman (10 years older, I was 20 when we met) was married for 14 years but was a massive freaking mistake. Although oldest daughter (she was 5 when we met, now 34) turned out to be the best daughter a man could have, the crap I dealt with dealing with the son who went thru the (you are not my daddy phase) and dealing with his deadbeat dad seriously made me rethink dealing with any single mother. Married wife #2 no issues and when I divorced for a second time then started to do the online dating thing I avoided single mothers, but I did date one and the mental crap I had to deal with between the mom and daughter was mentally taxing. Daughter and I got along fine but daughter hated mom. Bottom line dudes anyone even slightly considering dating any single mom DON’T run and I mean freaking fast. Also to you younger people, this will get extraordinarily worse the older you get. I’m 52 and constantly find women in their 50’s still raising young kids, some even raising grand-kids because of their deadbeat kids and are on freaking dating sites. Any dude going into a situation like this knowing the evidence is insane.
Haydn Posted February 22, 2016 Posted February 22, 2016 My better half loves my kids and they love her. She`s been there for them. Picked them up when they are down. (Picked me up a few times as well) Give it a go i say. People have pasts. Depends as others have said, how much you like her..... Lots of big words on this thread.... Cuckold? Maybe i heard one this morning. Nope it was a Blue tit... 2
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