Ex stalking me

[vanessa_20]

I have been seeing this guy on and off for two years we were dating but he got very jealous/controlling demanding to check my phone to see if I'm talking to another guy, then one time when I was talking to my guy friend he told me to get in his car and that he will drive me out to the middle of nowhere and leave me so I won't be able to get back home as punishment. I wouldn't see him anymore after this and he threatened me by saying "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of" when he found out I left him and signed up on a dating site, he got his cousin to flirt with me and try to take me out. Lucikly, I recognized his cousin and didn't go through with it. I am now actually a bit scared because as I changed my phone number, he sent me a message on Facebook saying he was at the mall in my area yesterday, at the same time I was there. He never comes to this area. I am worried he might be watching me. I blocked him on social media as well but i dont feel comfortable knowing he may be stalking me. What should I do about this?

[truth_seeker]

Some options...

 

1) You write him a note (always have these things in writing to keep a paper trail) and tell him he is SCARING you and you feel threatened by him. You ask him nicely but sternly to stop his behavior before you contact the police. Hopefully, this will be enough to get him to leave you alone.

 

2) Contact the police and ask an officer to contact him for you. They will do it if you ask. Just a simple call from a police officer will send a jolt through his body. Also, file a report to have a record on file regarding his behavior.

[SunnyWeather]

if it were me, and I genuinely felt threatened and had some proof of this tool's actions, I would apply for a restraining order- immediately.

 

No one has the right to intimate you like that.

 

Did he ever get physical with you? he clearly was abusive

 

edited to add: I would also contact the police and get some feedback on how to proceed with this, make a report.

Edited February 20, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[kendahke]

I have been seeing this guy on and off for two years we were dating but he got very jealous/controlling demanding to check my phone to see if I'm talking to another guy, then one time when I was talking to my guy friend he told me to get in his car and that he will drive me out to the middle of nowhere and leave me so I won't be able to get back home as punishment. I wouldn't see him anymore after this and he threatened me by saying "you don't know who my friends are and what they are capable of" when he found out I left him and signed up on a dating site, he got his cousin to flirt with me and try to take me out. Lucikly, I recognized his cousin and didn't go through with it. I am now actually a bit scared because as I changed my phone number, he sent me a message on Facebook saying he was at the mall in my area yesterday, at the same time I was there. He never comes to this area. I am worried he might be watching me. I blocked him on social media as well but i dont feel comfortable knowing he may be stalking me. What should I do about this?

 

Take all of this to the police and get a RO on him. There are laws against threatening, harassing and terrorizing.

[jen1447]

First of all, ppl who invoke 'crazy/scary' friends usually don't have any of those. The only reason they mention these supposed ppl is bc they lack the scariness they desire in themselves to make the impression they want. So don't worry about that too much - the real threats usually don't make outward threats.

 

Second, he may be following you but maybe not. Couple facts about that ....one, it's very hard work to do right, two, you have to have a lot of time to devote to it. Both of those probably disqualify him as a serious stalker threat, as in always out there somewhere, 24/7. Much more likely that's a bluff, either a lucky guess or happenstance that he saw you somewhere. He may generally have an eye out for you, sure, but that's a lot different than hiding in your bushes at 3:00 a.m.

 

Thirdly, what to do ....he hasn't actually done much yet that's actionable imo, so you should go with documenting all attempts to contact you at this point. That means screenshot any FB profile posts etc., save voice mails, save anything else. Then, if it gets to the point that he's crossed the line w/invasiveness and/or persistence, do make a police report and show them all your documentation.

 

You generally have to have pretty substantive evidence to get a no contact/restraining order, so I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for that unless he steps things up, but by making a report you give yourself ammo for down the road, and the police may indeed contact him when and if he starts flirting w/the criminal line, if nothing else just to ask him wtf he's doing and what's his problem.

 

Good luck and try not to worry about it too much. 99% of the time that's all these ppl are after - just to shake you up and ensure that they stay in your thoughts.

[kendahke]

Look into an emergency protective order. It doesn't have the same requirements of proof as an RO has and it usually stands for 10 days, depending upon where you live.

 

Otherwise, you should contact a lawyer in your state or country to find out what the laws are there. If you're in the US, there are stalking laws on the books. I think you more than have a case if he talking about conspiring with others to have them do bodily harm to you. Why people can't just be adults and let things go...

[LoveIsMyReligion]

Why not just tell him to leave you alone...

[vanessa_20]

Yes he knows where I live. My facebook profile has always been private so there is no way he can find out things there. When I signed up on a dating site a couple months ago, his cousin wouldn't leave me alone. Luckily, I recognized his cousin and didn't fall for the trap. I also told my ex to leave me alone and to get lost plenty of times, but he doesn't care. He keeps saying im in denial and that I want him as much as he wants me. He also sent me an email when I blocked him on facebook telling me that hes driving around in the area, on my street, going to "his cousins" meanwhile none of his cousins live in this city. He might just be trying to scare me. To be quite honest, I don't feel too comfortable getting the police involved. I am scared.

Edited February 21, 2016 by vanessa_20

[smackie9]

Well then stop putting yourself out on the net ie: dating sites, and any other social media. I know lots of people just go under an assume name and post a pic of a dog or a cat for a profile pic on FB to avoid crap like this. DO NOT respond to his messages or it will only encourage him to harass you.

 

And yes take the recommendation to at least report him AND tell your family and close friends what is going on in great detail. And for the first while don't go out alone.

[kendahke]

To be quite honest, I don't feel too comfortable getting the police involved. I am scared.

 

I'm not sure, then, what kind of solution you're looking for to this other than moving to another state and staying off of social media, but why should you have to curb your life for someone throwing a freakin' tantrum because he can't have his way?

 

Here's the thing, though: he's basically telling you that you have no choice in the matter of you ending your relationship, and getting on with your life. You are not entitled to your free will as far as he's concerned. He's conspiring with his cousin to harass you. He's threatening to bring others in on this if you don't do what he says. There is something wrong with him if, after you repeatedly telling him it's over, he's saying "you want me as much as I want you". That's not love, my dear: that's some twisted, tortured logic based on him feeling entitled to have whatever/whomever he wants.

 

Tell your dad, brother(s), male cousin(s), uncle(s), and friends and don't go anywhere by yourself (and again, why do you have to curb your activities instead of him opening up a can of "act right"?) until this guy decides that he's bored with all this and goes away--which, if going by what you said that he's still able to get to you, he's not doing that any time soon. Otherwise, you need to get the police involved.

 

He sounds very dangerous and doesn't think twice about what all of this is doing to you. He's burning the "how dare she" fuel and is out for control and someone like that needs to have the law reach out and tap that liberty thing.

[candie13]

Don't reach out. Do not respond to threats. Do not write to him. Do not react. Just vanish. Conflict it's like fire, it needs oxygen to keep burning. Don't fuel the dispute. Vanish. Whatever he's doing or saying - him or his cousins, do NOT respond.

 

Block your email addresses as well. Out of mind is out of sight. He'll get tired of jerking your chain if there's no reaction.

 

Oh, and buy a pepper spray just in case and carry it around with you.

 

oh and you do know what you are saying makes no sense, right? Like, if you are genuinely scared, you actually have to call the police. Taking action to protect yourself is what empowers you. Lack of action amplifies the sensation that you are a victim.

 

Hell, even consider some self defense classes. You'll blow some steam and gain some self confidence back.