OW in Contact with Son

[velvette]

I was just made aware that my son(actually stepson), is now friends with my H OW on facebook.

 

 

Apparently, this happened within the last couple months.

 

 

Can't say I am totally surprised and not sure how it came about yet.

 

 

Last year, he and his girlfriend bought a house next door to one of OW's best friends. Son wasn't aware until after he moved in and I don't think he knew her relationship with OW. Still not sure if he does although I suspect that may be how the facebook friend thing happened.

 

 

This isn't the first time she contacted son after the A ended.

 

 

Friend made a lot of effort to be nice to him and girlfriend. We only became aware when he told his Dad she had told him she knew and worked with his father and to say hi.

 

 

Upsetting, but not the end of the world as we are only there several times a year.

 

 

Further, not sure son realizes there was an A and may see it as a relationship that happened after his father and I separated. He was away at college when it started and then came home and lived with his father in an apt because his bio mother had moved out of state. So, he was around the OW.

 

 

Anyway, not sure how to address this. And, cant imagine what she is thinking. Part of me thinks she is trying to provoke contact, because she's already been told once to stay away from him.

 

 

What should I do?

[Mrs. John Adams]

the better question is ...what CAN you do?

 

I suppose you could tell him all about the affair...but is that what you really want to do?

 

He is an adult....he lives next door to a woman...

 

you have no control over this situation as I see it.

[velvette]

the better question is ...what CAN you do?

 

I suppose you could tell him all about the affair...but is that what you really want to do?

 

He is an adult....he lives next door to a woman...

 

you have no control over this situation as I see it.

 

 

The woman living next door is not the OW. She's a best friend of OW.

So, you're right, nothing to do about that.

 

 

Just thinking that is how the whole thing came about that he is now friends facebook with OW. Either through coincidentally running into her at her friends house or the two of them engineering something.

 

 

I could or my H could ask him not to be friends with her on facebook and not to get roped into discussions about us. Pretty sure he is smart enough not to do that anyway as he already has his neighbor pegged as the busy body that she is.

 

 

Still OW is way more manipulative than the friend next door.

 

 

And yes we could tell him about the affair. Not sure I want to do that.

 

 

Could confront her. Could tell her husband. Hard to believe he would be happy about this.

[Popsicle]

I'm sorry. She has no sense, and needs to get a life.

[Horton]

Disclaimer: I don't know your backstory so maybe I'm missing something that might change what I'm about to say here.

 

Here's how I look at the scenario you've provided, if I were your stepson and I cared about you, we had a good relationship etc. then I absolutely would want to be warned about this woman for the simple fact that I wouldn't want to be chummy with somebody who hurt a person that I care so much about. This woman has ulterior motives IMO, there's no good reason for her to be a part of the life of an exAP's child. It's both creepy and borderline bunny boiler behavior. Try saying that three times in a row BTW.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The woman living next door is not the OW. She's a best friend of OW.

So, you're right, nothing to do about that.

 

 

Just thinking that is how the whole thing came about that he is now friends facebook with OW. Either through coincidentally running into her at her friends house or the two of them engineering something.

 

 

I could or my H could ask him not to be friends with her on facebook and not to get roped into discussions about us. Pretty sure he is smart enough not to do that anyway as he already has his neighbor pegged as the busy body that she is.

 

 

Still OW is way more manipulative than the friend next door.

 

 

And yes we could tell him about the affair. Not sure I want to do that.

 

 

Could confront her. Could tell her husband. Hard to believe he would be happy about this.

 

 

I think i would just keep my mouth shut...but that's me. when you stir a hornets nest...you get stung. Leave them alone....they leave you alone....if they begin to bother you....wait until dark....and get them.

[velvette]

I'm sorry. She has no sense, and needs to get a life.

 

Ya think? The A ended over 8 years ago.

[velvette]

Disclaimer: I don't know your backstory so maybe I'm missing something that might change what I'm about to say here.

 

Here's how I look at the scenario you've provided, if I were your stepson and I cared about you, we had a good relationship etc. then I absolutely would want to be warned about this woman for the simple fact that I wouldn't want to be chummy with somebody who hurt a person that I care so much about. This woman has ulterior motives IMO, there's no good reason for her to be a part of the life of an exAP's child. It's both creepy and borderline bunny boiler behavior. Try saying that three times in a row BTW.

 

 

Son and I have a good R. I doubt he is being chummy with her. I am guessing he got put on the spot, with phone in hand and added her. To clarify that backstory, H, me, OW, her friend and our son all worked at the same place. So, its messy. But, the A has been over for more than 8 years and she just keeps popping up.

 

 

I agree and am quite sure her ulterior motives are to get info about H and/or find a reason to be in contact again.

 

 

She was told my someone else other than my H and I, that son doesn't even like her and couldn't wait for his father to break up with her. H confirmed that to her when she asked him, so maybe she is trying to prove some point, I dunno.

 

 

I cant imagine son had any reason to instigate this and imagine he just didn't want to be rude to her. And, as he was indirectly in her line of authority, might be concerned she could still have some influence over his career even though she no longer works there.

 

 

I just need to calm down before I do anything or even tell my H.

[velvette]

I think i would just keep my mouth shut...but that's me. when you stir a hornets nest...you get stung. Leave them alone....they leave you alone....if they begin to bother you....wait until dark....and get them.

 

Well, not sure I agree that contacting a son she's been told to leave alone is leaving us alone........

 

 

Are you saying I shouldn't make my H aware of this?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am saying...you could be borrowing trouble for nothing.

 

This whole thing...could wind up being no issue.

 

If you think you should tell your husband...you know him...I don't

Go with your gut feeling.....

[BetrayedH]

Seems to me that you should discuss with your H. The two of you understand the details and interpersonal dynamics better than anyone here. And he's your partner for all things in life.

 

If you can't talk to your H about it, you've got bigger problems than the OW friending your stepson on FB.

[whichwayisup]

Your (step) son needs to delete her off of facebook and block her.

 

It's totally inappropriate of her and no way is this innocent, it's intentional for her to keep tabs about your life with your husband. It's sickening and wrong she has done this.

 

Need to ask, why did he accept the friend request?

[velvette]

Seems to me that you should discuss with your H. The two of you understand the details and interpersonal dynamics better than anyone here. And he's your partner for all things in life.

 

If you can't talk to your H about it, you've got bigger problems than the OW friending your stepson on FB.

 

 

I have no problem talking to my H and probably will, but timing is everything.

 

 

He is in excrutiating pain right now and drugged up, waiting for an apt to get a steroid shot for a muscle/joint injury. Also, I was angry(enraged actually) and need to get some perspective before we have this convo. Not sure what I even want him to do yet.

 

 

I was just responding to Mrs. JA because I thought she was inferring I should just ignore the whole thing, including telling my H and was a little surprised by that.

 

 

Also, the last time OW contacted son via email to say "Goodbye" when she left the workplace, son told my H. Normally we talk to son once a week or more, but due to them and us travelling for a couple of weeks, and other things, we haven't talked to him that much during the last 6 weeks when this happened. Also, last 2 times we talked it was a three way convo with me on the phone, so I don't think son would have brought it up with me on the phone.

 

 

So, part of me says, wait to see if son tells H and go from there....meaning maybe H will just tell him "What are you thinking?"

[velvette]

Your (step) son needs to delete her off of facebook and block her.

 

It's totally inappropriate of her and no way is this innocent, it's intentional for her to keep tabs about your life with your husband. It's sickening and wrong she has done this.

 

Need to ask, why did he accept the friend request?

 

 

Exactly as to the bolded.

 

 

Why? Funny, initially, I was just angry and hurt that he would do that. Taking a step back, I am pretty sure he would not have a clue how much it would hurt me, because first he doesn't know my H relationship with her started as an A and like many people, he probably doesn't see a R while people are separated as an A.

 

 

But then after I calmed down, I started thinking ..........what is he thinking lol.......because even if I weren't in the picture, what the heck makes him think his dad would want him being friends with an old girlfriend that he's not friends with.

 

 

Son is very smart, but sometimes he does things that are between socially inappropriate and unacceptable. He has ADHD he can also be intimidated, anxious, shy .........hard to define when dealing with people.

 

 

My best guess is there was an encounter, probably with the OW showing up at the next door neighbors house while he was out front and she talked to him and put him on the spot. He always has his phone and she prob said add me and he didn't know how to get out of it. Add to that possibly some deference because as I said, he used to be indirectly in her line of authority at work and/or he possibly thinks she could still have some influence which imo is unlikely.

 

 

Hard to say unless I know what happened. I feel quite sure he did not send her a friend request first.

[BetrayedH]

I have no problem talking to my H and probably will, but timing is everything.

 

 

He is in excrutiating pain right now and drugged up, waiting for an apt to get a steroid shot for a muscle/joint injury. Also, I was angry(enraged actually) and need to get some perspective before we have this convo. Not sure what I even want him to do yet.

 

 

I was just responding to Mrs. JA because I thought she was inferring I should just ignore the whole thing, including telling my H and was a little surprised by that.

 

 

Also, the last time OW contacted son via email to say "Goodbye" when she left the workplace, son told my H. Normally we talk to son once a week or more, but due to them and us travelling for a couple of weeks, and other things, we haven't talked to him that much during the last 6 weeks when this happened. Also, last 2 times we talked it was a three way convo with me on the phone, so I don't think son would have brought it up with me on the phone.

 

 

So, part of me says, wait to see if son tells H and go from there....meaning maybe H will just tell him "What are you thinking?"

 

To be brief, your two reasons for a delay in discussing with your H sound wise. I often give myself a period of time to garner my own perspective (rather than doing something when I'm angry).

 

I don't like that last part about waiting to see if your son tells your H. Just find a good time for the discussion and formulate a plan. My $.02 anyway.

 

Otherwise I pretty much agree with WWIU; one of you should discuss with your son, too. If she's that manipulative, he should know it (and it sounds like you can do that without specifically addressing the affair).

[minimariah]

So, part of me says, wait to see if son tells H and go from there....meaning maybe H will just tell him "What are you thinking?"

 

i think you should talk to your H about it; of course - when the time is right and when he's feeling better; and i think your H should be the one to talk to the son. he should explain how serious the situation with the OW was, without getting into too much detail and just kind of warn him about her -- i'm sure your son didn't think, LOL. i once did the same thing... my father has this old girlfriend, REALLY from WAAAAAY back and she was trying to get with him during both my father's marriage to my mother & my stepmother. she was particularly intrusive when my parents divorced and he started dating my stepmother; she saw her chance in that. and it was super uncomfortable for all three of my parents, my mom & dad & stepmom... and then there was, utterly clueless. i knew she was "troubled" but i felt bad and didn't think about it too much... i didn't think about it at all. i even went to have a cup of coffee with her like two or three times.

 

i only realized it made my father & stepmother and even mother! uncomfortable when they told me. since then, i'm "aware" of her and did cut off contact but i'm still kind and nice to her; she is also a friend of my other close colleagues so i never wanted to create any drama... i just took a step back.

 

my father spoke to me and told me he feels uncomfortable about the situation, he said he feels that the woman's intentions weren't the most nice and honest ones and that i should be careful. so he asked me to step back for HIM. i think that's the way your H should do it, too.

[velvette]

To be brief, your two reasons for a delay in discussing with your H sound wise. I often give myself a period of time to garner my own perspective (rather than doing something when I'm angry).

 

I don't like that last part about waiting to see if your son tells your H. Just find a good time for the discussion and formulate a plan. My $.02 anyway.

 

Otherwise I pretty much agree with WWIU; one of you should discuss with your son, too. If she's that manipulative, he should know it (and it sounds like you can do that without specifically addressing the affair).

 

Thanks BH. This sounds like a good plan and probably what I will do.

 

 

Once I talk myself down about confronting her!

[ShatteredLady]

I've never really been into social media. I know that's strange in this day & age! I just have a tiny number of 'friends', just special people most I'm related to or life long friends. It's shocking! So many people have hundreds & hundreds of 'friends'.

 

I get so many friend requests & I'm not sure I even know half the people! I just carry-on with my little group. Maybe your son doesn't even think about it. I've been told that most people just accept all of those requests.

 

Does it even have to be a big deal if you or your H just ask him to unfriend her? If he's got 500-1000 friends like a lot of people it probably never crossed his mind that it could matter to you.

 

Just thinking....

[velvette]

I've never really been into social media. I know that's strange in this day & age! I just have a tiny number of 'friends', just special people most I'm related to or life long friends. It's shocking! So many people have hundreds & hundreds of 'friends'.

 

I get so many friend requests & I'm not sure I even know half the people! I just carry-on with my little group. Maybe your son doesn't even think about it. I've been told that most people just accept all of those requests.

 

Does it even have to be a big deal if you or your H just ask him to unfriend her? If he's got 500-1000 friends like a lot of people it probably never crossed his mind that it could matter to you.

 

Just thinking....

 

 

Right. I'm pretty sure he is either clueless or felt put on the spot to add her as a friend.

 

 

I don't know if it will be a big deal until we ask him. And you're right, he has over 500 friends.

 

 

He can sometimes be overly defensive if he feels criticized; on the other hand he will want to make his Dad happy I am guessing, so it needs to come from him.

 

 

The issue will be imo, that I feel sure OW instigated this and is therefore watching his feed and or other family members that she now has access to through his feed. So, she will probably realize if he unfriends her. She's blocked from mine and H page, but we have a huge extended family and I'm sure there are pics out there that aren't tagged and convo's where the other person's side gives her info about us. In the end, it doesn't matter, but it irritates the crap out of me, that she now has this huge window into our lives.

 

 

Then imo, she will find a way to bring it up either directly when she "runs into him" either at her friends house next door to son or possibly at a work retirement dinner they could both end up at etc.

 

 

So, I think H has to give him something to say in case this happens. Maybe like "No offense, but I wasn't thinking it would make my Dad uncomfortable being friends with you or something like that.

 

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated as to how he could handle that.

Edited February 22, 2016 by velvette

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't need to discuss the reason(s) for deleting her. He doesn't need to tell her, he can just do it. If she notices I doubt very much she's going to have the balls to ask him why he deleted her. She's not stupid, she'll figure it out on her own.

[MuddyFootprints]

Right now, you've given her control of a dirty secret and she is infiltrating your family through social media.

 

The only thing I can advise is that secrets are never really kept secret. She has access to your son, and indirectly, your family.

 

You and your husband need to have a discussion with your son. He has to hear the truth from you.

 

From there, he has to make his own decision.

 

In the meantime, you and your husband need to make sure to block her from seeing what shows up on his feed.

 

I'm sorry.

[velvette]

He doesn't need to discuss the reason(s) for deleting her. He doesn't need to tell her, he can just do it. If she notices I doubt very much she's going to have the balls to ask him why he deleted her. She's not stupid, she'll figure it out on her own.

 

 

I understand why you would think that. You and I are normal people.

 

 

She is not.

 

 

Propriety will not stop her. Been there before with her.

 

 

I don't understand her. I think it has something to do with legitimizing her R with my H. I think she has somehow forgotten it started as an A and therefore believes she had a legitimate R with him while we were separated.

 

 

I don't know. All I am 100% sure of is it will not stop her. I've known her for over 20 years. If she wants to do something, she will find a way to justify it.

[whichwayisup]

I understand why you would think that. You and I are normal people.

 

 

She is not.

 

 

Propriety will not stop her. Been there before with her.

 

 

I don't understand her. I think it has something to do with legitimizing her R with my H. I think she has somehow forgotten it started as an A and therefore believes she had a legitimate R with him while we were separated.

 

 

I don't know. All I am 100% sure of is it will not stop her. I've known her for over 20 years. If she wants to do something, she will find a way to justify it.

 

Your husband, son's father needs to tell him to stay away from this woman and block/delete her on fb and all social media. TO ignore her in public and stay away from her as she's trouble.

 

If she gets creepy, get the police involved.

[velvette]

Right now, you've given her control of a dirty secret and she is infiltrating your family through social media.

 

The only thing I can advise is that secrets are never really kept secret. She has access to your son, and indirectly, your family.

 

You and your husband need to have a discussion with your son. He has to hear the truth from you.

 

From there, he has to make his own decision.

 

In the meantime, you and your husband need to make sure to block her from seeing what shows up on his feed.

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

I suppose youre right, but I honestly never really thought about it until this happened as I did not feel the need to involve the kids in what happened.

 

 

Its a slightly different dynamic I guess because they are my step children and I had no desire to put them in the middle.

 

 

Until this came up, I never even considered really whether they knew H had an affair with her before the R they saw after we were separated.

 

 

She's not really in control imo, because she threatened me the last time we had a confrontation to "tell everyone all my friends". I thought that was ridiculous and told her go ahead, since most of my close friends already know the truth.

 

 

I simply countered if she didn't stay away from our son and stop contacting my H, that I would let all her friends know exactly who and what kind of person she was. I could still do that. So, I'm not really feeling captive to some secret she has.

 

 

I don't see the point now 8 years later of getting our son in the middle of her BS. And, I'm pretty ticked off at what I am quite sure is her manipulating him. The only thing that is keeping me from confronting her now is that part of me is pretty sure that she is or will be trying to provoke a confrontation. Short of being able to be in contact with my H, her next best thing seems to be being involved in a confrontation with me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Sometimes, as parents, we don't have enough confidence that our kids will be able to deal with the truth.

 

But, somehow, we have enough confidence that they'll forgive us for lying to them.