Experiences with dating someone married but separated

[Lobouspo]

What are your experiences? If someone has been separated for an extended period time but has not moved on the divorce is that a red flag? What if they are going through the divorce process? Can all the emotions associated with that milieu cause problems in a new relationship?

[Raena]

I was just having this conversation last weekend with a bunch of women. I was lambasted for saying that I wouldn't date a man who is only separated, not divorced. They all went on and on about how hard it is to get divorced, that it costs too much money, that sometimes it's better for the kids if they don't get divorced (insurance, etc). Their argument seemed to all be based around the financial aspect of actually divorcing. I finally just shut my mouth and let the conversation die because I wasn't going to convince these women that being still married but separated 5+ years later just says that neither one of them are really ready to move on. They went on to say that sometimes it isn't that easy if the other partner contests the divorce, that it can drag on for a long time. I suppose that's true but to me that just says you still have unfinished business and until it's taken care of, I'm not getting involved.

 

To me, if you aren't divorced, you are still married. I don't care how long you've been separated. Married is married. It's a red flag for me and I'd walk. Never again would I put myself in that situation. I did it once and it didn't end well.

[Lobouspo]

I was just having this conversation last weekend with a bunch of women. I was lambasted for saying that I wouldn't date a man who is only separated, not divorced. They all went on and on about how hard it is to get divorced, that it costs too much money, that sometimes it's better for the kids if they don't get divorced (insurance, etc). Their argument seemed to all be based around the financial aspect of actually divorcing. I finally just shut my mouth and let the conversation die because I wasn't going to convince these women that being still married but separated 5+ years later just says that neither one of them are really ready to move on. They went on to say that sometimes it isn't that easy if the other partner contests the divorce, that it can drag on for a long time. I suppose that's true but to me that just says you still have unfinished business and until it's taken care of, I'm not getting involved.

 

To me, if you aren't divorced, you are still married. I don't care how long you've been separated. Married is married. It's a red flag for me and I'd walk. Never again would I put myself in that situation. I did it once and it didn't end well.

 

Thanks for the response. May I ask how did it negatively impact your relationship?

[Mrin]

It took over three years for my divorce to go final. We had separate houses and finances after 2 months of being split up. For us it was just the financial impact of the divorce that delayed everything - namely a jointly owned house with significant appreciation.

 

I dated throughout my separation period and it never caused an issue. It was just a legal instrument.

 

But I can see how this sort of thing could give people pause. Not all separations are equal. I'd evaluate each one on its own merits.

[CarrieT]

Bad experiences.

 

I got involved with a guy who said he had been separated for two years and the divorce was in the process.

 

He lived on his own in his own apartment, so I had no questions about it.

 

Then he had to go to court for the final disillusionment of the marriage when the judge ordered the parties to go into the hallway to resolve one or two financial issues.

 

Yep - they reconciled during that 15-minute process. Having not spoken in two years, they decided to give their marriage another try and I was thrown under the bus.

 

After that, NEVER would date another separated person again. They are still legally bound to another and not 100% free, despite what they might say.

[road]

Another reason to not date a separated people is that many people wind up going back together.

 

 

You invested time then get dumped for their old spouse.

 

 

Next problem: As to the separated spouse, after they get back together with the spouse that dated you now winds up going through the same issues as if their spouse had an affair with you.

 

 

It takes people 1 year to recover when a marriage ends or serious relationship ends before they are ready to date. This last fact alone is why separated people should not date or be dated.

[Alamo657]

What are your experiences? If someone has been separated for an extended period time but has not moved on the divorce is that a red flag? What if they are going through the divorce process? Can all the emotions associated with that milieu cause problems in a new relationship?

 

Yes, it usually means both parties are unwilling to sever the bonds. There are still unresolved feelings on both sides (even the dumper who is constantly double checking his/her own decision).

 

The first few relationships after the separation are rebounds to get confortable with the idea that there is someone else outthere, to confirm (or sometimes, not) the decision.

 

I think it can take many years before a divorce is "finalized" in the minds of the parties involved.

[Raena]

Thanks for the response. May I ask how did it negatively impact your relationship?

 

It was because he wasn't doing anything about getting divorced. It made me question why he wasn't. I was right, he wasn't getting divorced because he wasn't sure he wanted to. I think some part of him hoped he could work it out with her.

 

Some people may have a valid reason for still being legally married after a year of separation but I'll never get involved in that situation again. He broke my heart.

[preraph]

If they're separated for a long time and not in process of divorcing, of course it's a red flag. If they are seeing someone else, they need to be in the process of divorcing, or you're just a mistress. No matter the reason, it's a bad sign. Maybe the excuse is money. Well, fine. Do you want a guy who can't even afford a divorce? Usually it's because they're hanging on. You could even be being lied to and there is no divorce pending at all, nor separation. Could just be his line to get a no-strings mistress.

 

Even under the best of circumstances, divorce in progress, (I've been in two of these), it is very irritating because they are still seeing their soon to be ex and that ex is pulling their strings (and he hers) every step of the way trying to "win." And you can rest assured they will reunite at least once and have makeup sex. Both guys I went through this with, when asked, said they can't imagine never having sex with their wives ever again. Men are unusually honest with me.

 

They'll be dividing stuff up and getting sentimental. They will jump whenever the ex beckons under whatever excuse they give. They may go fix something or whatever. It's not fun even in the best of circumstances. There's usually some guilt involved for them and some fear and uncertainty.

 

I know conventional wisdom says you don't want to be the rebound right out of a separation because it won't amount to anything. Well, it's still just numbers game. Some guys do partner right back up. Both mine did (not with me. I called it off on one and the other I'm, 35 years later, attending a concert with him and his 3rd wife in a couple of months) So I don't necessarily agree with that, but it puts you in a compromising position, and I mean that literally. They demand and you give them patience and understanding during that period because it's a hard time for them -- but that backlash is if you are a saint about that (I was not), then that sets the tone going forward. Now you will be expected to hold your tongue and be a saint for anything else female related that comes up gong forward. You don't want that. Yet, if you make too many demands, it will likely only add to his stress and won't last.

 

So no, it's not an ideal situation.

[TheArtist]

My most recent ex was separated and had been for about four years. She had two kids so the father was never that far away. I still felt like I was trespassing on his 'property' and I don't think she was fully over him, but he cheated on her several years ago and she couldn't forgive him for that.

 

The weirdest part was meeting him in a coffee shop with her present too, knowing what we had 'been up to' if you know what I mean. It eventually ended because I personally think it was getting too serious for her and she wasn't ready to finalise the divorce, and she ended up ghosting me. I will definitely not date a separated woman again.

 

Stick with the fully divorced or single people.

[carhill]

I dated while separated and chronicled the process here, now some six years ago. That period occurred mid-process, about 8 months after filing and where we had settled out everything and were living in separate homes. The dating experiences went well, from my end anyway. My exW already had another guy living with her and we had no contact other than ironing out details of filings and she wasn't on my mind at all, not for a long time.

 

On the other side, I became an erstwhile OM on a couple of occasions when becoming involved with women who suggested or acted either single or separated. However, that was when I was a young man and a bit of a dope about such matters. Learned a few harsh lessons and became more circumspect. However, I also came to respect that dating while married or separated was a fairly common path to partner replacement so the other side was snooze and lose. With women in high demand (demographic-specific), the competition was swooping in at first sign of defect or disinterest and that's how women, like my exW, had new boyfriends before being divorced. Smart men knew not to wait but also not to bank on anything. Throw a lot of darts and one might hit the board. That probably still holds true.

 

Today, I would consider socializing with a lady who stated she was separated but wouldn't expect anything other than some hopefully pleasant social interactions. IOW, no future. Now is fine. Keep a wary eye out for a lied-to spouse. Heh. Live a little.

[newmoon]

i did this once... gave a guy a chance who had been separated for 3 years. they were completely living apart and had been living apart since they married six years before that. it was some type of business arrangement marriage. there were no kids, so i figured it was a pretty 'clean' type of separation and they were never in contact. it didn't end/go badly, but my experience taught me that these people (the men or the women) have some issue they need to address, and that you are taking on their issues from the get-go. it could be financial - they cannot afford divorce; it could be emotional - they are not ready to let go; it could be fear - wanting to keep a backup around in case no one else comes along; it could be for kids; and etc. you have to suss out why they won't just end it and so you're taking on a relationship with problems from the start. other relationships will develop problems as well, but i no longer want to be in one where there are issues from the very beginning, before you even get the chance to start. if they are not completely divorced, they are married imo and i stay far away. it has been about 5 years since i dated this guy and he is still married but living completely apart from the wife and has no contact with her. bizarro.

[meh1]

no chance. I dumped my separated ex last week. after nearly 4.5 months i had never met anyone in his life as he was a 'private person' and his family had 'taken his separation hard'. turns out he was back on a dating site and messaging other girls. total scumbag, was doing this all the time my mother was dying in the hospital. i never found out until after the funeral. in my current opinion, a lot of guys just out a long relationship or marriage just want to expereince life again adn have their ego stroked. i'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear - if someone told me this months ago i wouldn't know whether i would have listened - but please take my advice and look after yourself - if you're sleeping with him be safe as he may well be having his cake and eating it.

[whichwayisup]

What are your experiences? If someone has been separated for an extended period time but has not moved on the divorce is that a red flag? What if they are going through the divorce process? Can all the emotions associated with that milieu cause problems in a new relationship?

 

Yes it's a red flag. Separated is non committal. If you are dating the person, they should be up front with their intentions (re: is the separation leading to divorce, no chance of working things out) if they haven't told you, ask! You have a right to know where things are heading.

 

How long has the separation been? How long have you two been together?

 

Be weary, and protect your heart.

[central]

I think you need to look at the individual circumstances, and whether or not you need a certain kind of commitment (e.g., marriage/children) within a particular timeframe.

 

I started dating a month after separating, and after about 6 months entered a long term relationship. My divorce (because of her intransigence and mental illness) took seven years - which I never expected or wanted to take so long. I married my long-term relationship as soon as my divorce was final. This relationship is (and has always been) our ideal relationship, so despite the delay in being able to marry, it really made little difference.

[lana-banana]

As others have said it's all about individual circumstances---how long have they been separated? Who initiated the end of the marriage? What kind of relationship does he have with his soon-to-be ex? How long is the divorce expected to take, and why? My friend started dating a separated man and everyone warned her it wouldn't work out, called her a homewrecker, etc. They've been together for nearly nine years now.

[GreatCatch]

Every relationship is a little different. I remember dating a man who was separated, but still married. I was definitely troubled with the relationship, but for other reasons. This man was still very much involved in their lives, so I knew the relationship would have trouble developing.

 

I would say proceed with caution because there are many people who choose to remain married for reasons of their own, but not because they will ever truly be living as a couple again. There are many reasons why married couples choose to remain married and live separately. It doesn't mean that they don't have the capacity to love or be in a committed relationship.

 

Obviously they will not be able to get married to anyone in the interim, but they can be in deep and committed relationships provided they are in a situation that allows them to be. If you are looking to get married, then I would say don't waste too much time hoping that your man will get divorced because they may not happen as fast as you would like. If youa relooking for a commitment and he has the time, then why not? He may be a really great catch, but take time to get to know him.

 

You'll go onto realize that many people who are married have what are in essence "open relationships" where they can do as they please (provided they aren't breaking any laws).

 

Wish you much luck.