Betrayed1987 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 My husband recently left the house, accidentally leaving his phone behind. I have never felt I had any reason not to trust him, but my curiosity got the best of me and I looked at his phone. I saw things I was not expecting, nor was I prepared to see. He works for a large construction company, which requires him to work in factories all over the state. There is one particular factory that he has not been to for over a year and a half, but some of his coworkers have been there for the last few months doing work. There were text messages from him to those coworkers asking about a particular woman who worked at that factory, referring to her as "his new wife". He texted one coworker, "tell my sweetie I said hi". One coworker snapped a picture of her while she wasn't paying attention and sent it to him telling him, "Here's your little MILF. She's a hot piece of ass". His response? "Me likey". As far as I can tell from phone records, etc...he has never had any contact with her outside of work. I did my homework and found out exactly who she is. Rather than tell my husband I went through his phone, I told him someone told me that he had a crush on this woman. He got all kinds of defensive, even going as far as calling one of the coworkers he had texted about her, and making a big production of it. When I showed him a picture of her, he responded by saying that yes she works there, but that he doesn't know her. He continues to deny that he has ever talked to his coworkers about her, blah blah blah. I do NOT believe anything sexual has happened, and he has not been to that location (which is 2 hours away) in over a year and a half. He does not use social networking, and quite honestly knows nothing about computers, e-mail, etc....he only recently got a smart phone and barely knows how to use it for anything other than calling/texting. I am really hurt and bothered by the fact that it has been over a year and a half since he has been at that location, but he is still talking about her to his coworkers and asking if they've seen her. To me, it feels like he is cheating without actually having any contact with this person. If he is still asking/talking about her after all this time, then it seems that he might be more than a little smitten with her. I have never had any reason not to trust him until now. I HATE IT that he looked me right in the face and denied everything. We have been together for 26 years and I have never caught him lying to me before. I can't sleep, and I feel like I don't even know who he is now. What is your opinion of this situation? Please help! 1
carhill Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Yeah, typical blue collar stuff, the stuff on the phone. Surprisingly tame. Expect that they dissect her, and other women, physically while on site too. Guys have been doing that since before time and, well, sexual harassment laws. His production regarding your inquiry, OTOH, that's odd. Most guys will point to the phone and shrug their shoulders. It is what it is. No apologies and no justifications. Men being men. Especially construction guys. Equally odd is that you've been married for 26 years and never faced this before. I'd have figured you'd dealt with this long ago. IMO, communicate your boundaries on such matters and, whenever girl talk starts up about some hot guy, yeah I know it does, too much life under the bridge, remember it's equal opportunity. Just because he doesn't know doesn't mean it goes. Good luck! 2
road Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Its just guy talk. Nothing more. Yes is can just be guy talk. There will always be a young hot one, even a middle aged hot one that all the men drool over. They drool not because the want to have an affair with her. It's that men like to drool. Think of it as an involuntary reflex. And when there is a hot woman that they all know in common they all will drool over her and they will joke about hot she is to each other.
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I guess if this was a man complaining about his wife's inappropriate texts about some "hot" co-worker and her caught out lying about it, she would be hung drawn and quartered by post three. The voice recorder would be taped to the underside of the driver's seat in her car, cameras and surveillance equipment put into action to catch her out, a PI hired, her laundry scrutinized and her dirty knickers tested for semen, meanwhile hubby would be on the phone to an attorney, and the kids sent to their grandparents... Lots of derogatory name calling and by page 5 she is basically the scum of the earth. But here, we only have "its guy talk"... 11
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Confess the snooping & ask about what you read. It could just be talk. Hurtful talk to you but just talk nonetheless. If you aren't satisfied with his answers do some more serious digging. 1
jenkins95 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Betrayed1987 I hope you are feeling better having read the responses......I concur with what other have said. I am a man who works in an office environment, and when us guys get together on our own away from our wives, this kind of sexist banter is typical, and I think the construction industry is just about the worst of all for it IME! I don't particularly like it myself and never initiate it, but that's guys - and if you don't join in a little bit, I guess you don't feel part of the team. He has gone very defensive probably because he is so embarrassed and just wants the world to swallow him up. He would be horrified to think that you could see that side of him and think less of him. I am sure there are many conversations that I've taken part in in the office that I'd be horrified to let my wife hear - but it's only stupid immature banter, not at all serious. If you want to talk it through with him, perhaps a good approach would be to make light of it and turn it into a humorous thing "Oh you crazy guys and your office banter!.....etc". This may put him at ease and help him open up - just an idea. I know it's a nasty shock, but please try not to let it cloud your opinion of your husband. I'm sure it's just harmless (if distasteful, sexist) office banter. I do take elaine567's point. It is frowned upon when women behave like this, and yet for men it is dismissed as harmless office banter. It isn't fair, but life isn't always fair, and sometimes it isn't fair in the other direction! Good luck and let us know of any updates! 1
66Charger Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 To be offended by the "its just guy talk" is to suggest that women do not do the same thing. Really? Girls night is just talking about the kids? No hunky waiter comments? And why do women wear sunglasses all the time?. You look and you talk, like everyone else. What you think is one thing, what you do is another. Going by ONLY what was posted and assuming there is and has been no direct communication, of course most would assume its just guy talk. That doesn't make it respectful, but it also doesn't make it infidelity. No problem with double checking though. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I too believe it is guy talk.. And you asked him about and he did not deny it. I would keep a watchful eye on him.. But don't obsess over it. I would give this same recommendation whether male or female.. But I do agree... If this was a woman in this situation instead of a guy... Most of the men here would be advising all kinds of pi work to nail her. But then I think very often .. People are quick to judge... For the worse scenario. I hope everything turns out ok for you. Tell him how uncomfortable this makes you.. He needs to know it scares you... And he needs to help you feel safe.
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I too believe it is guy talk.. And you asked him about and he did not deny it. That is not true. He continues to deny that he has ever talked to his coworkers about her, blah blah blah. 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I stand corrected... He denied parts of the story .. Thank you for pointing that out to me 1
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 There is one particular factory that he has not been to for over a year and a half, but some of his coworkers have been there for the last few months doing work. There were text messages from him to those coworkers asking about a particular woman who worked at that factory, referring to her as "his new wife". He texted one coworker, "tell my sweetie I said hi". One coworker snapped a picture of her while she wasn't paying attention and sent it to him telling him, "Here's your little MILF. She's a hot piece of ass". His response? "Me likey". ^^^^This is the only bit of the story the OP is upset about. When I showed him a picture of her, he responded by saying that yes she works there, but that he doesn't know her. He continues to deny that he has ever talked to his coworkers about her, blah blah blah. Yet he denies he even knows her or has ever talked about her... This "production" of calling his coworker to back up his story is very suspicious too, as if it was already rehearsed...
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 He could be as guilty as sin... If we stick around long enough.. I am sure tons more will be revealed as the story unfolds. I am really sorry she feels the need to be here
minimariah Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Yeah, typical blue collar stuff, the stuff on the phone. Surprisingly tame. Expect that they dissect her, and other women, physically while on site too. Guys have been doing that since before time and, well, sexual harassment laws. His production regarding your inquiry, OTOH, that's odd. Most guys will point to the phone and shrug their shoulders. It is what it is. No apologies and no justifications. Men being men. Especially construction guys. Equally odd is that you've been married for 26 years and never faced this before. I'd have figured you'd dealt with this long ago. IMO, communicate your boundaries on such matters and, whenever girl talk starts up about some hot guy, yeah I know it does, too much life under the bridge, remember it's equal opportunity. Just because he doesn't know doesn't mean it goes. Good luck! ^^^ i agree with carhill. i think it's just men talk, i do the same thing even though i'm a woman - i have a Eddie Cibrian lookalike coworker and we all drool over him all the time... & in the same manner as your hubby. BUT the alarming part is you snooping through his phone 26 years into marriage, you felt something. him denying everyhing and making a HUGE deal about it is alarming and finally... the fact that you NEVER really discussed it during your marriage - the topic of affairs + crushes, flirting... i'd suggest open communication. it's alarming that you don't have that after 26 years so i'd dig deeper because i believe there are deeper issues in your relationship. 2
Author Betrayed1987 Posted February 20, 2016 Author Posted February 20, 2016 Oh it's not that we haven't discussed those topics in 26 years, it's that I have never caught him lying to me about something like this. I have never had any reason whatsoever not to trust him. I didn't look at his phone because I felt something was wrong. The opportunity was there and I'm nosy anyway, so the curiosity just got the best of me. I did NOT expect to find the things I found. That is why I'm so hurt. 3
Raena Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 Everybody lies. Expect it, accept it, and then you won't be disappointed. This situation could be harmless or it could be just the tip of the iceberg. How is the OP to know that if he's lying to her about this situation that there aren't other things he's lying about too? What if he's really having affairs and she just sweeps it under the rug as oh well, everybody lies so I'll just expect it and accept it. No! Expect honesty and don't accept anything less than the truth. 1
road Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 I guess if this was a man complaining about his wife's inappropriate texts about some "hot" co-worker and her caught out lying about it, she would be hung drawn and quartered by post three. The voice recorder would be taped to the underside of the driver's seat in her car, cameras and surveillance equipment put into action to catch her out, a PI hired, her laundry scrutinized and her dirty knickers tested for semen, meanwhile hubby would be on the phone to an attorney, and the kids sent to their grandparents... Lots of derogatory name calling and by page 5 she is basically the scum of the earth. But here, we only have "its guy talk"... So you are saying that women are like men and have an involuntary drool reflex? I, not being a woman, never had close women friends, hung out with women, or even been able to eaves drop on the women when they gossip, so I do not know how they talk amongst themselves about the office stud, factory hunk, etc. But men all enjoy drooling from afar at the pretty ones. Men all share with each other on how hot she is, how lucky the man that is getting that. And, that's how far as it goes. Because we are drooling does not mean that we are cheating. If I wanted to cheat I would not be telling anyone how hot that women in the office is and how I am going to try and get into her pants. I would just work my killer charm and strike out.
jenkins95 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) This situation could be harmless or it could be just the tip of the iceberg. How is the OP to know that if he's lying to her about this situation that there aren't other things he's lying about too? What if he's really having affairs and she just sweeps it under the rug as oh well, everybody lies so I'll just expect it and accept it. No! Expect honesty and don't accept anything less than the truth. If I was having an affair with my "little MILF" the last thing I would do is boast about it and banter with my colleagues. It would be an absolute secret that I would tell no one (as indeed happened in my real affair). Letting people know is a recipe for disaster, and I think that's pretty much common knowledge. To me this is clear office banter - typical guys being guys. It's distasteful, disrespectful and sexist......but ultimately harmless IMO. There's nothing surer to start a bout of office banter than the arrival of a sexy young woman - as probably happened last time Betrayed1987's husband was in that particular office over a year ago. He may have been the first colleague to make a comment, so the other guys direct all their banter towards him about her. Very likely the colleagues have got similar banter-type text messages on their phones concerning their own "MILF"s. Guys can be big kids, and this is often how they play. I would try and bring it again up in a non-threatening, light way and thrash it out, Betrayed1987. Let him know that you know it's probably just silly banter but that it was a shock and made you feel hurt. Give him a friendly, non-hostile, un-rushed environment to open up. I'm certain that it is just sheer horrifying embarrassment that is causing him to clam up about it - he just wants it to go away, and is terrified of disappointing you or making you have a lower opinion of him, seeing him in his "sexist guys at work" mode. It sounds like you guys are 26 years into a wonderful marriage - I really hope such a silly isolated incident doesn't sully that great marriage in any way at all. Good luck and keep posting here. Edited February 20, 2016 by jenkins95 1
jenkins95 Posted February 20, 2016 Posted February 20, 2016 (edited) Oh, and people who really have something big to hide would NEVER leave their phone at home like that unlocked, even by accident. The phone becomes like an attachment to the body, guarded like Fort Knox. Even leaving it to charge for an hour or so is a major paranoid ordeal. I'm ashamed to say that I know that feeling well Thank goodness it is in the past I am really hurt and bothered by the fact that it has been over a year and a half since he has been at that location, but he is still talking about her to his coworkers and asking if they've seen her. I wouldn't let that bother you too much. It was clearly a big joke the last time they were all in that particular office together and they are just using it to have typical guys banter now that they don't get to actually see each other so much. I really do think a good open conversation will ultimately resolve this and let it be put behind you. Everyone has a side that they don't show their spouse - 99 times out of 100 it's totally harmless. Edited February 20, 2016 by jenkins95 1
Author Betrayed1987 Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 Thanks for all of the responses. It does make me feel *somewhat* better that this is probably innocent. However, I do feel disrespected and still somewhat betrayed that he could carry on about this other woman, whether it is "guy talk" or not. From the perspective of the wife, I guess it's just hard to accept that it's "normal" for a man to talk nasty about another woman, and especially that it should be perfectly understandable and acceptable. I am trying to relax about this, but I haven't been sleeping, and I have been sick at my stomach for weeks. I know logically that nothing real is going on, but more than anything, I am just hurt. Very hurt. Again, thank you all for your responses and input. I will try to come to terms with the fact that men are just adolescent little boys when they get around other males, and my husband is no exception 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 Ok...if this were me....if i found what you found this is what i would do I would confront my husband...I would flat ass tell him what i found on his phone...but then I am not one for playing games. I am a pretty straight shooter. If his answer was not satisfactory...in other words...if I thought there was some reason to doubt he was telling me the truth...I would also confront him. Is this the right move for you? I don't know. But I don't like to play games...and i don't like to play cat and mouse. When something doesn't sit quite right for me...I confront. If the answer would not be satisfactory.....I would walk. I truly think your husband was just goofing off with the other guys. But I would have been honest and told him ....I looked at your phone and this is what i found....explain it. You do what you think is best...if your husband has never given you reason to doubt him...you are probably ok. If he has...you are probably not. We do not know the dynamics in your relationship....so it is truly hared for us to have an opinion one way or the other. The question is this....what do you think? 3
Author Betrayed1987 Posted February 21, 2016 Author Posted February 21, 2016 Why do I have to tip-toe around him and gently bring it up? I feel betrayed by him asking about this woman almost daily, and I'm supposed to spare his feelings? What about my feelings of betrayal and feeling like I'm not good enough? I do appreciate the feedback, but I don't think I should just sit back and take it because it's a "guy" thing. He would be PISSED if the tables were turned. 5
bathtub-row Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 (edited) I'm appalled that so many people excuse this as just guy talk. What her husband has done is a real betrayal to his wife, to their marriage, and their relationship. If I were you, OP, I would tell him that I was no longer interested in being married to him and I would leave, or tell him to leave. I wouldn't even tell him why. He doesn't deserve honesty. He only deserves to be left and have his ego hit really hard. And, btw, he probably has cheated on you. I know of a man who has been married for 30 yrs and he cheated on his wife for nearly ten yrs. Not only does she not have a clue, she would be absolutely shocked to learn that he had done that. The truth is, your husband would probably cheat on you in a heartbeat, if he hasn't done so already. Even if this is him just being a guy, you need to ask yourself if you're ok with that. And even if he hasn't physically cheated, he has gutted you emotionally and has cheated in his heart. He is obviously obsessed with this other woman. None of this is acceptable for keeping a marriage together. Edited February 21, 2016 by bathtub-row
dichotomy Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 (edited) You said you checked and their appeared to be no direct communications with this woman, been over a year since he was there...this was other guys teasing him. Maybe when he was there this good looking gal flirted a little with him or was friendly with him. Guys in the construction industry noticed and started hooting and hollering and teasing him - this is very common in the trades - I know. Edited February 21, 2016 by dichotomy 1
Emilia Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 I agree that it's probably harmless. In my previous job we used to do the 'who is your #1 in the office or building'. Both male and female co-workers. When I was seeing someone at work I stopped hanging out with him and the guys after office hours so that he wouldn't have to watch himself so much. I know it hurt him when some of us were discussing a hot guy in the office, who was objectively good looking but did not have the sex appeal that my ex had. Just stupid banter that allows you to bond over beer. I enjoy drooling too and not think about that guy for more than a second after.
bathtub-row Posted February 21, 2016 Posted February 21, 2016 What her husband is doing is not just stupid banter. He's asking about this woman specifically and referring to her as his next wife. This isn't amusing on any level. 4
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